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Reki couldn’t open his eyes.
Well, he probably could, but his eyelids felt too heavy. It was as though someone was holding them shut, and the pressure made him yearn for sleep once again.
Except, something was beeping steadily to his left and the sound made him slightly irritated. Not to mention the smell, too sterile and unlike the natural comforting scent of his own room. Sterile and clean and nauseating like… like a hospital.
Although foggy with sleep, Reki knew he fucked up. Majorly . Exhaustion clung to him, dragging him back into the comforting lull of a dreamless rest, albeit how badly he needed to figure out what was going on.
When Reki woke up next, he could hear the sound of people talking. Familiar voices, he knew that much, but it was still too much to process. He blinked slowly, body too tired to get up, but he needed to figure out what was going on. Why were so many people in his room? It wasn’t a meeting room!
Hands carted through his hair and Reki was being coaxed back to sleep, soothing words he couldn’t make out but they were comforting nonetheless.
“ It’s okay baby, you’re gonna be okay…” Was the last thing he heard before sleep took him once again.
Dry. His mouth was so, so dry. And fuzzy, probably from the lack of brushing his teeth before bed.
Wait—Before bed?
Reki doesn’t remember going to sleep.
And then, like fragments, his memories came back to him. How long has it been? How long has it been since he was laying on the floor of his bedroom, surrounded by blood and sobbing for his mom.
He recognized the steady beeping now, off to the left. He was in a hospital, of course he was.
The shame hit him then.
Reki fucked up again. This time was way, way worse. He may be used to hospitals, laying in the stiff beds and dressed in the stupid gowns, but those were usually for skating-related injuries.
This time, though, this time was all on him.
And now he’s wasted his parents' time. He probably worried them, for no reason other than he couldn’t shut his mind down for one fucking night . Fuck—
Fuck, fuck, fuck. He screwed everything up, again-
“Reki? Baby?”
He didn’t want to turn and face her, to talk to his mom about what had happened. There was no getting around this, no lies or excuses. Everything was on display, arms bare and wrapped with bandages. She knew. She knew and now she’d hate him. She’d hate him and he’ll be disowned and—
“Oh sweetie-!” His mom cried, rushing to his side immediately. She cradles his face gently, with a sad smile and tears pouring. “I’m so glad you’re awake, are you okay? Does anything hurt?”
Why wasn’t she yelling at him? Telling him he’s stupid for doing this, for not talking about things, for causing trouble. Again.
Reki couldn’t stop the tears now, slowly flowing down as he tried to hold back a weak sob. He raised his free arm, the one without an IV inserted, and clutched onto the front of his moms shirt. It felt like forever since he last genuinely held onto her so tightly, crying without holding back.
“I’m- I’m so so-orry, mama,” He sobbed, eyes tightly shut closed. The guilt, the shame, all of it built up at the top of his throat and threatened to spill over.
“Oh my sweet boy,” And Reki cried harder, because how is she speaking so softly to him? After everything he’s done, he expected something harsher. “It’s okay, you’re gonna be okay, I’m right here.”
And they sat there, for who knows how long, with Reki crying and his mom rubbing soothing circles into his shoulder blades while she held him close.
Maybe, just maybe, things could get better.
“Reki-!” Pale blue hair came into view, Langa rushing through the door. He looked disheveled, hair a mess and face oily and tear-stained.
Moving to sit up, Reki gave a small wave and gestured for Langa to come closer. “Hey, Langa..”
Langa pulled one of the chairs resting by the wall to the hospital bed, a small smile on his face. “I’m so glad you’re awake, are you feeling okay?”
“I’m fine, dude!” Reki tried, but his wobbly smile betrayed him.
“Don’t lie to me Reki, please? And let me know if you need something, anything .” He frowned, corners of his lips pulled down, but it looked more like a pout.
“I’m sorry Langa, I didn’t…” Reki trailed off, fists clenching the sheets laid over him. “I didn’t mean to.. I’m sorry.”
Langa shuffled closer, pulling one of Reki’s hands from his grip on the blanket and taking it into his own. “Shh, I know. Well, I don’t, but I’m here for you, okay? You don’t have to talk about anything right now, just… focus on healing?”
Reki could feel whatever walls on his heart cracking as he stared at Langa and his concerned, caring face. Why was he so stubborn? Of course he has people who love and care for him.
And he almost lost all of it.
His throat was closing off, but Reki needed to say something. Teary-eyed, he nodded his head, “I’ll try, Langa, I… I promise. I just, I got stuck in my head again.”
“I know… And I’m sorry I didn’t notice anything sooner,” Langa pulled their joined hands to his forehead, eyes closing, “But I’m here now, and I’ll help you however you need.”
“Thank you,” Reki whispered, but he knows things won’t be easy. Because even now, there’s the voice in the back of his head—albeit, a bit quieter than before—telling him that it isn’t worth it. That he isn’t worth it.
Visiting hours were over, and Reki’s mom laid in one of those uncomfortable couches by his bed. The doctor told him that he’d need a mental evaluation before they could decide anything regarding discharge, and Reki had felt his heart drop to his stomach in the moment.
Unable to sleep, Reki sat up slowly and tried to reach for his cup of water, but it was too far away. He knows he should ask his mom for help, but she looked tired and it was just water. He could do it.
“Reki?” He flinched, eyes darting over to his mom, who was already getting up. “Let me get that for you, sit back!”
“Sorry…” He muttered and sat back into the bed, jaw clenched. “Didn’t mean to wake you.”
“Oh hush,” She shook her head and handed him the cup, “I’m here to help you, okay? You don’t need to do everything by yourself, you can rely on me, sweetie.”
Reki knew she wasn’t just talking about the water at this point, the way her face scrunched with concern.
“It’s just… It’s hard, I dunno…” He chewed at his lips, staring at the cup in his hands. “It’s too much, I think. I don’t wanna bother you, or worry you..”
He felt the bed shift next to him, his mom now sitting beside him. “Reki, I’m your mom. Nothing is ever going to be too much, and worrying just comes with being a parent. Do you wanna talk about what happened?”
He shook his head. Reki was nowhere near ready to talk about things right now, but maybe soon. “Um… Can we talk about it in the morning? I’m still… I’m just a little scared.” He admitted.
“Of course, baby, whenever you’re ready,” She gave him a warm smile and pulled him into a soft hug.
The sun filtered in through the hospital room window, bright but not blinding. It felt like forever since Reki last had such a comforting sleep, without all the negative thoughts to keep him up or jolt him awake. It was scary.
How long would this last?
“Good morning, Reki,” Langa was sitting at his bedside again, a plate of food in his hands. He set it down and reached over, brushing the hair from Reki’s face.
“Morning Langa, what’re you doing here?” It was the morning, surely he needed to be at school (even though Reki wishes he’d just stay here instead, lest he get stuck in his thoughts again.
Langa sat back again, shrugging, “My mom said I could take the day off, and I asked your mom if I could stay here with you for the day. Want water?”
“Nah, I’m good for now,” He shook his head and moved to sit up, “Wouldn’t you rather be out skating, though? It’s real gloomy here, I get it.”
“I wanna be here Reki,” Langa said with a huff, narrowing his eyes at the redhead before his expression softened, “I’d rather be hanging with you than skateboarding, you know that, Reki.”
He did know that, but it was so hard to believe. Reki isn’t that fun when he isn’t skateboarding, and even when he is, he lacks skill and talent and he knows it’d probably better if—
“Reki.” Langa cut him out from his thoughts, earning a sheepish and awkward laugh from the boy. “I want to hang out with you. And if you aren’t skateboarding, then I don’t wanna either. You’re what makes it fun.”
“I- Langaaa,” Reki whined, shoving his arms over his face, “I told you you can’t just say things like that, you’re gonna kill me!”
Silence. Reki moved his arms from his face and he was surprised to see the small frown on Langa’s face.
“Langa?”
“…Reki, did- did this happen because of me?” Langa’s eyes moved to his lap, the frown on his face deepening. “Did I hurt you again?”
He doesn’t wanna talk about this, but he also doesn’t want Langa thinking it’s his fault.
Taking a deep breath, Reki reached over and pulled on the sleeve of Langa’s sweater. “You didn’t… It’s me, not you.” Langa looked up at that, his expression filled with confusion. “I just, I’ve always been kinda like this. I get in my head and then I can’t get out, and when I can’t get out, it gets worse. People say things and it gets stuck in my head and then it’s all I can think about. It’s no one’s fault but my own…”
Reki ducked his head and let his hair fall over his face, blocking the tears from view.
“It’s not your fault either, though. You… You can’t really control it, I think. Because you’re strong but you’re human, Reki.” Langa lifted Reki’s face, smoothing away the tears from his eyes. “I don’t know how this works… But you’ll let me help, right?”
Reki could feel some of the tension in his shoulders easing away as he pulled Langa into a hug, nodding his head into his shoulder, not trusting his words.
Maybe he won’t ever be able to stop the negative thoughts, but at least he knows someone will be there to help soothe them away.