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When Eli Vanto is around five years old, he is fearless.
He runs through the Lysatran scrub, chasing lizards and ground birds, and plays hide and seek among stacks of cargo, and climbs on freighters many, many times his size to jump into the waiting arms of his mother, laughing with delight, unaware that her heart is in her throat.
When I grow up, he says, I’m going to be a ship, and fly up in the stars.
When you grow up, his father says, you will work for the company as I have done, and your grandfather has done, and your sons will do.
Eli frowns. He much prefers the thought of being a ship; though he does not have the words to describe the feeling, and can barely conceptualize it, he is already aware of the noose of expectation tightening around his neck.
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When Eli Vanto is around ten years old, he is diligent.
He focuses on his schoolwork, striving to excel, to prove his value, his worth. He has already become aware of the secrets of numbers, of math and data; it is a language he is fluent in without effort, the patterns and equations flowing through his mind like they are a part of him. It calms him; a secret place to retreat to in times of stress, something that earns him recognition and praise.
This skill will get you far in life, his mother says.
I should get you in the warehouse checking our figures, his father says. It is a joke, he thinks, but he isn’t sure.
Shipping and cargo is stable, easy. A small cog in the Imperial machine, but an important one.
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When Eli Vanto is around fifteen years old, he is anxious.
He is aware that he is different from his peers, in several seemingly important ways; his love of numbers, which he has learned to keep to himself, his secret place now a true secret. Others do not understand, they see him traverse with ease what they struggle with, and judge him for it, lashing out. They lash out worse when he takes interest in someone for the first time, his best friend, someone he values and trusts and feels he can show his truth to, and when he works up the nerve to confess his feelings he is rejected harshly.
His mother cries when she finds out; his father is furious when he does. He doesn’t understand their reaction; this is not unusual, he knows many friends that have become couples, though they are seldom the same sex. He feels confused, and ashamed, and that night he decides to turn in the application to the Academy that he has been going back and forth on.
He tells his father that him having been in the navy will bring prestige to the company. He tells his mother that he will be safe; supply officers are seldom if ever in dangerous situations.
He tells himself this is for the best; it will placate his family and it will let him get away from them for a few years. Win-win.
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When Eli Vanto is around twenty years old, he is angry.
Through chance and circumstance a strange blue alien completely derails his intended course in life; not a supply officer, not a position of prestige and security, but an aide, a translator. He feels worthless, his skills wasted; he is resentful of the difficulties that being associated with the alien, and that the alien himself, brings into his day to day life. This is not what he wanted, but no one ever asks him what he wants.
He swallows down his anger and does his job.
He reassures his parents that in a few years his contract will be up, and he can retire, and he will go home to work for the company.
He counts the days.
And yet…
Part of him sometimes looks out the viewport at the stars outside, or feels the rumble of the engines through the durasteel wall of the ship, and he can’t help but smile despite himself, remembering his childhood vow.
He is not a ship, but he serves on one, and that is close enough.
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When Eli Vanto is around twenty-five years old, he is in love.
He wonders how he ever could have been resentful of Thrawn; the man is exceptional in every way. Attractive, intelligent, capable. Caring in his own way. To know Thrawn, to understand him, is a privilege. To be understood by him is flattering. He is not human, and so cannot be judged by human standards. No one else takes the time to try to understand, nor does Thrawn make the effort to show them. That makes him very sad, but it also, selfishly, makes him pleased; he feels special.
They spend almost all day, every day, together. In time, they spend a large number of nights together too, in secret. He dreams of Thrawn, even when he is in the man’s bed, sleeping in his arms.
His parents do not understand why he signed up for another term of service. They say terrible things about Thrawn, and Eli’s blood boils, as it always does when Thrawn is slandered. His loyalty and dedication to the man is absolute, as is his trust.
Life is not perfect, but it is close enough to. He is, for the first time, happy.
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When Eli Vanto is around thirty years old, he is fractured.
A stranger in a very strange land, surrounded by people that look at him with suspicion and distrust until he is able to prove himself to them. Some have come to accept him. Some never will.
His heart had broken when Thrawn vanished, the ache in his chest a constant pulse, a wave that threatens to pull him under every minute of every day, from the time he wakes to the time he falls into fitful sleep. He wants to give in, to drown in his sorrow, but he can’t. He has responsibilities; not just his work on the ship, but to the young girl that has latched onto him. They are both broken, and they help each other to heal.
He does not think of his parents. That life is over and gone; even his name is different, now. It is for the best.
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When Eli Vanto is around thirty-five years old, he is comfortable.
He has earned his place among the Chiss. He is not one of them biologically, but they are still his people; he has protected them, and will continue to do so until he ceases to draw breath. It is the best way he knows to honor the love of his life. He thinks of Thrawn often, sadly, and hopes that wherever he is he is finally at peace.
He thinks of his mother from time to time, and wishes he could ask her for advice in raising his own daughter - not the child of his body, no, but without a doubt the child of his heart. He thinks of his father less often, and resolves not to be the same to Un’hee. His love for her is unconditional, his support for her unending.
She is not his entire life, but he cannot imagine a life without her in it.
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When Eli Vanto is around forty years old, he is content.
He has command of his own ship and the trust and loyalty of his crew. They work together as a singular unit, decorated and effective. They are a source of headaches to the powers that be, but they should have expected that: everyone knows who he learned from, and whose legacy he carries.
His daughter is thriving. His fears of harming her through parental inexperience prove to be unfounded; she is strong and willful and a force to be reckoned with, a perfect blend of the best psychology of Humanity and Chiss. He is unspeakably proud of her.
He still thinks of Thrawn - he always will - but rather than pain and sorrow, he feels gratitude, and love. Thrawn shaped him into the best version of himself, and he will always be thankful for that.
He is planetside when there is a knock at his door. He answers it.
Thrawn stands on the stoop, older, but safe. Alive.
They smile at each other, and embrace; he holds Thrawn tightly, and tells him he’s glad to see him, and invites him in.
The last part of himself that had been missing has returned.
He feels complete.