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She remembered exactly when it all started. The words that began everything she was going through now. It was something she could never forget. How could she when it made her into... this?
"Ah... I'm sorry I won't be able to hang out at all during summer break. I'm going across the country to visit some family for almost the entire time."
That was fine. It shouldn't have meant anything. She was happy to know that at least someone would be having fun. And then...
"Oh, I'm sorry... I forgot to mention before but... I'm not going to be around for the break either. I'm helping out with some groups that'll be traveling around."
Neither of them were available. She would be all alone for the break. It hurt. Why did that hurt so bad? She survived it countless times before. Why now was it hard to not have friends to be around?
How had it turned into this?
...
"Good afternoon, Suzu-san."
"Hisame! You made it!"
It was almost the end of the break. Most students were moving back into the dorms today. Suzu and Hisame were no different.
"Got delayed but I'm here. How was your trip?"
"Good. I'm glad to be back home."
"Have you spoken to Koharu-san at all?" Hisame asked, "She hasn't answered my texts for a while now."
Suzu frowned at her words, "So it isn't just me then... she's not even read anything I've sent in the past few weeks. I tried calling but it always was unanswered."
Hisame sighed and took a seat beside Suzu, "Did we do something wrong?"
"Maybe she's just been busy with things." Suzu offered, though even she sounded like she wasn't believing her own words, "Wasn't allowed to have her phone? Went camping?"
"She's hung up my calls multiple times. She had access to her phone." Hisame rejected the already doubtful statements.
Suzu didn't have any reply. She just gave Hisame a worried look. Hisame shared the same expression. Just what had happened while they were gone?
"Should we... try and visit?" Suzu asked hesitantly.
"I'd rather wait for classes. She can't avoid us here." Hisame replied, "And the last thing we need is to make a scene in front of her family."
"True..."
"Do you think maybe she's mad at us for leaving her?" Suzu questioned, looking up at the ceiling, "She did seem quite... something negative, I guess... when she learned neither of us could hang out over break."
"Maybe..." Hisame couldn't disprove that idea.
"I guess we'll see in a few days then, won't we?"
...
Koharu was dreading the start of the school year. She couldn't avoid them now. She would have to face them and act like everything was alright. That she hadn't completed relapsed while they were gone.
Being alone destroyed her. For the first time she had friends who cared about her. People who liked her for who she was. And then they left. Sure, they both texted her every single day, but it felt like they just did it to be nice.
Koharu didn't know how to handle being abandoned like that. Not when she was already so close to the edge. She closed herself off. Barely left her room. Wouldn't participate in anything. Sakura had tried a lot to get her out of the house but to no avail. Even some of the other girls invited her out, but she refused.
Koharu knew she was a mess. Her eyes were bloodshot. The bags under her eyes were terrible as well. Her hair was knotted and ragged. She had very noticeably lost weight. Her skin was completely pale. She looked like a completely different person. And that was just on the surface. She could barely stand to look at what was hidden under her clothes. The marks she made in anger and frustration taunted her. Reminded her how alone she truly was right now.
She knew she had to fix her appearance before school began. She couldn't be seen like this. That was the only motivation that got her to even bother caring about herself for the first time in over a month.
Even then... there were still problems she couldn't solve. What was she to do about Suzu and Hisame? She hadn't even used her phone in a month. There were so many unread messages from the two girls that she didn't have the courage to look at.
What were they thinking about when she stopped responding to them? Did they worry about her? Did they even care?
...
It was the first day of the new school year. Suzu and Hisame were anxiously waiting to see Koharu enter the school grounds. Both were worried about her. Hopefully she at least would show up today. They were concerned she may ditch and not want to bother facing them.
"There she is!" Thankfully, they spotted her.
Suzu and Hisame quickly approached her. Koharu faced them with a blank expression.
"Good morning, Koharu!" Suzu ran into her and pulled her into a tight hug.
"Morning." Koharu stood still, not reciprocating the gesture.
Suzu pulled away, worry flashing over her face again, "How are you doing?"
"Fine."
"You never responded to our calls and texts." Hisame said, "Did something happen?"
"Sorry."
"That doesn't-" Before Hisame could protest her answer, Koharu walked past them and toward the school.
Suzu and Hisame exchanged glances. Neither knew what to do.
"Something is wrong." Hisame stated, "We better keep an eye on her. She isn't herself."
"Yeah..." Suzu frowned, "She already is avoiding us... I think we really did make her mad..."
"Let's go after her. For now just... act normal. Don't question her behaviors over the break. Let's welcome her back with open arms. She needs it if she truly is mad at us." Hisame stated.
Suzu nodded in agreement to the plan. They set off after the girl. She had already put quite a lot of distance between them. She really didn't want to talk to them today, did she?
They gave her some space. Both tried to strike up basic conversations but Koharu would only respond with a word or two. She wasn't interested.
...
Why did she even bother coming to school? She knew they'd be all over her and she knew she couldn't handle it. She tried to act normal but the moment she was questioned, all she could do was shut down and ignore them. She couldn't bring herself to face them now.
They kept trying. She tried to interact as best she could but she felt numb. She didn't want to talk to them right now. Neither seemed like they would be giving up any time soon though.
Hopefully she could keep up this act. She really didn't want them to know. What if they started feeling ashamed of her? That she would think like this? That she could so easily cave in just by not having them by her? What if they wanted nothing to do with her while she was in this sorry state once they learned what exactly was going on?
"Koharu~"
"What?"
"Aren't you gonna join us for lunch?"
"I'm not hungry."
"At least come sit with us if you won't eat."
"I have something to do." Koharu felt bad that she kept pushing then away when they were just trying to help. Unfortunately she didn't know what else to do.
"But-" Suzu was still trying to argue with her.
"I have something to do. Leave me alone." Koharu repeated. She just wanted to be alone.
"Koharu, you-"
"I said LEAVE ME ALONE!" She lost it and screamed at her.
Suzu took a step back, her eyes going wide. Koharu took in a shaky breath. She had really done it now.
"I'm just... trying to help..." Suzu mumbled.
"I don't want your help! I don't need any help! Just leave me alone already!"
"Koharu-san?!" Hisame heard the commotion and came running over to them.
"Koharu. Something is wrong." Suzu stepped forward again, "Please. Let us in. We want to help you."
"I'm fine." Koharu stated.
"You are not fine." Suzu got in her face, "Stop pretending you are. You have acted completely different this entire day. Just tell me what's wrong."
"Suzu-san..." Hisame called in worry.
Suzu ignored her and continued, "You've changed into a completely different person, Koharu. What happened to you?"
"It's none of your fucking business!" Koharu shouted.
"It is!" Suzu raised her voice back at her, "We can't stand seeing you like this!"
"Leave me alone! I don't want your help!" Koharu shoved her back, "Just stop!"
Suzu fell to the ground. She stared at Koharu with a worried look. This was definitely not a good situation.
Koharu glared at her and then stormed off. She heard Hisame call after her, but ignored it. Why should they care? They caused this. She wanted nothing to do with them right now. Neither even acknowledged the fact they left her alone. They didn't even ask how her break was. They didn't care, did they?
...
"Are you okay, Suzu-san."
"Yeah. I'm fine." Suzu pushed herself to her feet, "I... think I made things worse... didn't I?"
"Yeah..." Hisame nodded.
"Sorry. I knew I shouldn't have retaliated but she's being so infuriating right now."
"I probably would've done the same. It's okay."
"She's really defensive over this. Just what on earth happened to her...?"
"Well. If she won't talk, we might need to... snoop."
"Huh? What are you suggesting?" Suzu didn't know what to think of Hisame’s plan.
Hisame looked her in the eyes, "We look for anything we can. See if there's any clue as to what happened to her."
"But... how?"
"I don't know. I think we need to get into her room. I don't know how to achieve that without her being there." Hisame said.
"Well... technically I could probably get her detention for fighting." Suzu offered, "I'd hate to but if it's our best bet I'll push her buttons even more and make sure a teacher sees us."
"I... don't want you both getting in trouble but... if we don't find a better way by practice, you do it."
"Understood."
...
Koharu hid herself away for the rest of the day. She couldn't bring herself to even be near Suzu and Hisame. She just wanted to be left alone. Why couldn't they just listen to her?
Koharu stared at her phone. She didn't know why but part of her was begging for her to read those messages. See what they were still sending. Koharu had no desire to know but some part inside seemed to.
She tossed her phone back into her bag. She didn't want to read it. Probably just pitiful messages begging her to respond. Nothing she would want to read.
A bell rang. She glanced at the time. It was almost practice time. It wouldn't look good on her to not show up. Unfortunately she would need to go to that. She really didn't want to though. She knew those two would corner her again.
...
"So... am I getting into a fight?" Suzu questioned.
It was practice time. Hisame and her didn't seem to have come up with another idea to get Koharu away from her house.
"I think so." Hisame sighed. This really wasn't the way they had wanted this to go.
"Alright. Let's see what happens."
They got ready for practice and headed out to the gym. Koharu was there alone. Suzu was the only one to enter. Hisame was digging through Koharu's bag to find her house key.
"Koharu." Suzu walked over to her, "You need to stop this."
"What part of leave me alone didn't you understand?" Koharu shot back.
"What part of my actions aren't you understanding? I'm not letting you go. You're hurting inside. I can see that. Talk to me." Suzu wasn't deterred by her words.
"There's nothing to talk about."
Suzu got into her space again, "There is. You just don't want to acknowledge it."
"Why should I tell you about anything?"
"I'm your friend? I'm worried about you?" Suzu was concerned by that question.
"If you really cared-" Koharu stopped, "You don't even deserve to know that. Get lost. I'm not talking."
"I'm not leaving until you talk."
"Go away!" Koharu finally snapped and attacked.
Suzu had expected to be shoved again, but instead she was met with a fist to her face. She fell backwards and held her face where Koharu had hit her. That was gonna leave a bruise...
"Koharu?!"
Perfect timing, as sad as it was. Yakumo had entered the gym. Seems she had just caught Koharu punching her.
"S-sensei..." Koharu went pale.
"What on earth are you doing, Koharu?" Yakumo came over to her.
"I-I..." Koharu gulped.
"It's my fault." Suzu spoke up. She couldn't let Koharu take all the blame.
"How is it your fault?" Yakumo questioned.
"I... pushed her to the point she snapped."
Yakumo sighed, "Both of you go to the office. After you go to the nurse. And by God if you don't help her there, Koharu, you will deal with worse than just a day of detention for fighting."
Koharu lowered her head. She walked over to Suzu and held out a hand. Suzu let her pull her to her feet.
"Can you let me talk to Suzu for one second first, Koharu? Step outside." Yakumo stated.
Koharu nodded. Suzu worriedly looked at Yakumo. Why was she stopping her?
"I'm not stupid, Suzu. What are you planning with this? You'd never push her to that point without a good reason." Yakumo said, crossing her arms and giving her a glare.
"I..." Suzu took in a deep breath, "She's not acting like herself and... the only way we can learn anything is to snoop on her so... getting her away from her room isn't an easy task."
"Hisame is an accomplice in this then?"
"Yeah... she's the one that was gonna do the looking around."
Yakumo let out a frustrated sigh, "I should send her to detention too for that but... I'll pretend I didn't hear you say that."
"Thank you."
"Get going." Yakumo nudged her toward the door, "Before anyone else sees you like this."
Suzu nodded and exited the room. Koharu was waiting for her. She lowered her gaze.
"Let's go I guess." Suzu prompted.
They took a slow walk to the nurse. Suzu was just given some ice. Nothing had been broken or made bleed. It was a start.
Then they had to go to the office. They already knew what happened by the time they arrived. Both of them were given detention. They grabbed their bags and then went to the room. It was just them surprisingly.
Koharu rested her head on a desk. Suzu hesitantly moved and sat beside her.
"Koharu?"
"What?"
"I'm sorry."
"Huh?" Koharu sat up and stared at her.
Suzu looked away, "I'm sorry I pushed you like that. I'm just really worried, you know."
"Sorry I punched you..." Koharu mumbled in reply.
"It's okay. I kinda deserved it."
Koharu shook her head, but said no more. She returned to resting her head on the desk. And that was when Suzu noticed something.
She didn't say a word and just silently reached over and pulled up Koharu's sleeve. Koharu froze in place. She knew there was no way out of this.
"You..." Suzu didn't know what to say to what she saw before her, "Koharu... oh God what happened to you...?"
"What happened to me?" Koharu repeated.
"What made you... want to do this?"
"What the fuck do you think?!" Koharu shot back up and glared at her, "You left me! You both abandoned me here all by myself! You say you care but if you really did you wouldn't have left me here all alone!"
"Eh?" Suzu stared, "You... did this because we weren't here to hang out?"
Koharu broke down into tears.
"Ah! Koharu..." Suzu pulled her into a hug, "I'm sorry... you should've said something... I'm sure we could've worked something out."
"I... should've said... something?" Koharu repeated.
"Yeah... if you would've let us know you didn't feel comfortable being all alone like that I'm sure one of us could've found a way to include you more. But since you didn't say anything we assumed you'd be fine."
Suzu was pushed away. She yelped as she fell into the desk behind her.
"How dare you say it's my fault!"
Suzu gulped. She wasn't making the progress she thought she was.
"I-I'm not saying that, Koharu. It's all of our faults. We should've realized you wouldn't take it well. But you could've told us."
She was shoved again. Koharu was turning violent. Great. Maybe she should back off then.
"Okay, okay." Suzu held up her hands, "I take full blame for this. I'm the reason you did this."
"Hisame."
"Yeah, yeah. She's at fault too."
"You're just toying with me now."
Suzu quickly got out of range before Koharu could strike again. She should just shut her mouth. She was only making things worse it seemed. Maybe Hisame should've been here instead.
"I'm sorry... tell you what. I'll sit all the way in the back and not say another word for the rest of the time that we're here." Suzu did just that.
Koharu glanced at her, and then returned to what she had been doing. She aggressively held her sleeves back down. Suzu frowned. She silently pulled her phone out and texted Hisame what had just happened.
This wasn't going as planned at all...
...
Hisame frowned as she received the text from Suzu. The situation was worse than they had thought. At least they had gotten to the reason why she was acting that way. It still didn't entirely make sense though. Why was it so hard for her?
More importantly, how did they fix this? She obviously wasn't going to make it easy on them. Suzu seemed to only make the situation worse when she tried to help. Would she be able to do anything differently or were they doomed?
Hisame was outside Koharu's house now. She was afraid to enter. She didn't know if she would be prepared for whatever was waiting for her.
"Hisame?"
Hisame froze. She was spotted. She nervously turned to face the one who spoke to her.
"H-hi, Sakura."
Sakura was home already. That wasn't supposed to happen. She was meant to be here alone.
"What are you doing?" Sakura questioned her.
Hisame sighed, "Trying to figure out what to do with Koharu-san..."
"Oh. But, why are you here then?"
"I was... going to look around her room. See if... there was anything to help." Hisame didn't like this situation she had gotten into.
"Where's onee-chan anyway?"
"Detention. She got into a fight with Suzu-san when she confronted her."
Sakura's eyes widened, "Onee-chan... fought someone? And a friend at that?"
Hisame nodded with a sad look, "Unfortunately, she really won't let us help. She keeps pushing us away."
"She really closed herself off this summer..."
"Could we talk about it? Maybe hearing what you've noticed might give me some ideas on what to do?" Hisame suggested.
Sakura nodded, "Sure. I'd really like to see onee-chan back to herself if possible."
They went inside. Sakura took her to Koharu's room. She sat on the bed and looked around.
"It's never been this messy before. She always keeps it so clean..." Sakura whispered as she took in the room, "She normally lets me come in every now and again but she wouldn't at all for a while now. I see why..."
Hisame walked around the room, "So... what can you say about the situation?"
"Well, it was about one or two weeks after break started. She suddenly just locked herself in her room all the time and wouldn't come out. I tried to invite her places and she kept saying no. I even asked some of her other friends to see if they could get her out of the house but she also refused to join them." Sakura explained, "She looked awful, honestly. She wasn't caring about herself at all. I had to constantly check on her to make sure she was eating and just taking basic care of her body. I... I don't know what happened..."
"She couldn't handle Suzu-san and I not being around." Hisame stated, "At least that's what she seems to be saying from what Suzu-san has gathered with their fighting."
"But... she had other people to hang out with. It wasn't like she was alone."
"Yeah... that's what I'm stumped on too."
"And she won't talk to you guys?" Sakura questioned.
Hisame sighed and shook her head, "No. Every attempt today ended badly."
"Great... I was hoping you guys could fix this but looks like even you're struggling..."
Hisame frowned and took a seat next to Sakura, "We'll figure it out. We aren't going to just abandon her."
Hisame wasn't sure if she should mention the last detail to Sakura. What would she think if she learned what else Koharu had been doing to herself? Would it break her? To know her sister was suffering so much and yet she couldn't do anything?
She paused her thoughts as a text message came through. They were on the way over. This was going to get ugly, wasn't it? Koharu would not react well to her snooping around if her behavior was any indication so far.
"Hisame?" Sakura called.
"She's coming home..."
"Oh..."
...
Koharu was not pleased that Suzu insisted on walking home with her. She tried to get her to leave, but Suzu didn't budge. Koharu couldn't hurt her again. She felt awful for what she had already done to her. Why couldn't she get her emotions under control?
"So..." Suzu caught up to pace with her, "Um..."
"You aren't coming inside." Koharu stated firmly.
"About that..." Suzu seemed nervous, "This whole fight and detention thing was uh, a set up. Hisame is already in your room."
Koharu stopped in her tracks. They did what?! They...
"How...?"
"While we were fighting she found your house key."
Koharu dug through her bag. Her key was in fact not there. How did she not notice earlier?
This was bad. She never wanted anyone in her room. They couldn't see the mess she became. Hisame saw everything...
She started running. Suzu chased after her but she didn't care. She had to get home.
It only took a few minutes before she arrived. The door was already unlocked. She entered and bolted to her room. The door was open. She stood in the door frame, gasping for breath.
"Onee-chan?"
"Get out!" Koharu lost it.
How dare she drag Sakura into this a well? She didn't want to worry her. And now she saw the disaster she was just as much.
"H-hey, come on. Let's talk this out." Sakura took the lead in trying to calm her down.
"I said GET OUT!" Koharu grabbed her and shoved her out of the room.
"Koharu-san, please. Just take a deep breath. I know you don't like this but... please, you need help." Hisame said.
Who was she to say that? She didn't get to offer help now after everything. It wasn't fair! She can't just waltz in here and act like a hero.
Koharu walked over to where she stood. Hisame took a nervous step back. Koharu got right up in her face and grabbed her shirt.
"I don't want your help." She stated.
"B-but, Koharu-san-"
"Get out of my house." Koharu tossed her toward the door.
So much for not hurting anyone again. She tried but... the panic of what she had seen was too much. No one was supposed to know about this.
"Koharu."
Koharu glanced over. Suzu seemed to have caught Hisame when she shoved her away. She was now glaring at her. Hisame looked hurt and was on the verge of tears.
"What the hell happened to you? This isn't like you at all. And your reasoning doesn't add up enough." Suzu stated.
What did she do? She was cornered. Even if she kept just yelling, neither was going to leave any time soon. She was stuck. Either they had a standstill or she coughed up what they wanted to hear. What did she choose?
Koharu sunk to the floor and buried her face into her knees. Why did this have to happen?
"Koharu. Please." Suzu sounded like she was walking closer. Koharu didn't even want to look up.
"It's easier to blame you than myself..." Koharu whispered.
"Huh?"
Koharu took a deep breath and forced herself to look up. Suzu was knelt in front of her. Hisame was slowly coming over to join them as well.
"I... being left alone was my breaking point..."
"Koharu-san..."
"I'm sorry... I... shouldn't have hid my pain until now..." Koharu couldn't meet either of their gazes, "As long I was with you guys, I was fine..."
There were arms around her, pulling her into a hug. She didn't bother fighting it. Hisame and Suzu both hugged her tightly.
She told them. She finally admitted what was wrong. Why didn't she feel relieved? She was supposed to feel better now, right? Why did nothing change inside of her?
"It's alright, Koharu-san." Hisame broke the silence, "We're going to fix this."
How?
She couldn't voice the question out loud, but it seemed as though they already knew she was asking that. How could they help her? She was too far gone as far as she was concerned. There was no way she would ever recover from this mess.
"Will you let us help you? If you don't cooperate we won't get anywhere. Are you going to work with us?" Suzu questioned.
"I'll try..." Her voice was barely a whisper.
"As long as you're trying, it'll be okay." Hisame said.
Would it really be okay though? What if she couldn't keep working with them? What if she just lost it on them again? Would they truly keep trying? Wouldn't they just end up right back to where they started? There was far too much uncertainty in this.
"So... can you explain why us leaving for the break caused this? You've been very vague." Hisame questioned.
"I've always been abandoned... and when you guys left I... couldn't stop my mind from thinking the worst again..." Koharu whispered.
"I'm sorry... I can't imagine how rough it's been. We'll make sure that doesn't happen again though. I promise." Hisame offered her a smile.
"Yeah. But, Koharu." Suzu spoke now, "You really need to speak your mind when things are upsetting you like this. We can't fix it if you never tell us what's wrong in the first place."
Koharu nodded, "I'll try..."
"Thank you."
"Uh... now what?" Hisame asked.
"We're hanging out until curfew." Suzu stated, "Why don't we start by cleaning up your room a bit. I'm sure you'll feel better in a nicer space."
All Koharu could do was nod. They were so easily helping her. It was as if all the arguing and fighting had never happened. They really just looked past it and moved on?
She was glad that she hadn't ruined everything they had between them. Now it was just the long process of trying to recover from this mess she had become. Watching her closest friends calmly help her with no complaints made her a bit more hopeful this would actually work and that she could get better again.
Only time would tell.