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It had all started with seeing a very brief glance of his wrist. Noticing risen skin that was red. Seeing how fast he pulled his sleeve back down again. There was no way to deny what he had seen unless he had somehow hallucinated that entire ordeal.
Takatora really doubted that. He knew what he saw. He didn't want to believe it but there was no way to deny just what that was. It made his heart ache realizing just what his little brother was still going through. And he felt disappointed in himself for never realizing until now.
The next question became how exactly he approached the topic with Mitsuzane. He knew it would be a very hard thing to talk about. Knew if he said the wrong thing everything could turn to hell. He had to approach this with extreme caution.
Unfortunately for the both of them, the time for conversation came before they wanted it to.
Mitsuzane had been sorting through an old box of books in the living room, deciding which ones were good to keep and what ones should be donated. Takatora was sitting nearby, answering some late emails.
"Ow!"
Takatora looked up from his laptop. "Are you alright?"
Mitsuzane looked over at Takatora. "I... I just cut my hand on one of the pages... it's nothing..."
Takatora got up and knelt down beside him on the floor. "Let me look."
Mitsuzane went to protest but Takatora had already grabbed his hand. He flipped it over to look at his palm, where a cut was present. It was bleeding slightly, but wasn't that bad thankfully. However, when he did that, Mitsuzane's sleeve fell and exposed his arm.
Takatora felt him tense up. He hadn't indended for this to be the way things started.
"Go clean your cut and then... I guess we need to talk." Takatora stated.
Mitsuzane didn't move. He was staring at nothing. Takatora frowned. He was that panicked over this he wasn't even focused on the present. Was he that scared of how Takatora might react to this?
"Mitsuzane." Takatora said.
The boy slowly looked up at him.
Takatora offered a gentle smile. "It's going to be okay, I promise. I'm not mad at you for doing this."
Mitsuzane started to tremble. He bit his lip and Takatora could see his eyes starting to get watery. The younger boy moved closer and eventually wrapped his arms around Takatora. Takatora could feel him crying now.
He returned the hug and held Mitsuzane close as he cried. "It's going to be okay..."
"I'm sorry..." It was so quiet Takatora almost didn't hear it.
He placed a hand on Mitsuzane's head and pressed a kiss to it. "There's nothing to apologize for. I'm sorry I never realized you were suffering so much still."
"Nii-san..."
"We'll figure this out together. Okay? You don't need to suffer alone anymore." Takatora said. "I'm here to help you."
Mitsuzane's grip tightened on him and he started to audibly sob. Takatora held him close and just kept reassuring him that everything would be alright.
It took quite a while before the tears stopped. He had probably run out of tears to cry at this point. Mitsuzane sniffled and looked up at Takatora finally. Takatora wiped away the lingering tears on his face and kissed him on the forehead.
"Will you tell me what happened that made you do this?" Takatora asked, being sure to keep his tone as gentle as he could.
Mitsuzane didn't say anything for a long time. He looked to be debating if he truly wanted to give away that information. Takatora simply waited patiently for his answer. He was willing to accept even an answer of no at this moment. He wouldn't pressure Mitsuzane to talk if he wasn't ready.
"After... everything ended... I hated myself for what I had done... it felt like something I deserved..." Mitsuzane mumbled, his voice cracking as he spoke.
"I see..." Takatora grabbed one of Mitsuzane's arms and looked at all of the scars.
"You almost died because of me..." Mitsuzane whispered.
Takatora met his gaze. "Even so, I'd never wish this upon you."
Mitsuzane didn't reply. Takatora let go of his arm and stood up.
"Can I treat those scars a bit? I don't want them to get infected and hurt worse." Takatora asked.
Mitsuzane didn't move or do anything for a long time. Takatora sighed. He left and went to go get a first aid kit. Unsurprisingly, Mitsuzane hadn't moved an inch when he return.
"Let me see your arm." Takatora went to grab his arm when Mitsuzane slapped his hand away.
"Mitsuzane?" Takatora questioned his action.
"Leave me alone..." Mitsuzane whispered. It sounded like he was trying to be firm, but couldn't muster the strength to do so.
"I can't just ignore this." Takatora replied. "There are healthier ways to deal with these feelings. Please. You don't need to suffer like this."
"What do you know?!" Mitsuzane yelled. "You've never cared about me before so why start now?! Just leave me alone! I don't want your sympathy!"
With that, Mitsuzane took off running deeper into the house. Takatora heard a door slam. He sighed. This was not going well at all.
He got up and went after him. As much as he didn't like the thought, he couldn't exactly put it out of the question that Mitsuzane may try to hurt himself right now.
"Mitsuzane..." Takatora knocked on his door. "Can we please just talk about this?"
"Go away!"
"I know I've messed up a lot. Believe me, I'll never be able to forget how much I failed you." Takatora said. "But, because I've realized that, I want to right my wrongs. I want to fix things. I don't want you to have to keep suffering alone."
"I told you to leave me alone..."
"I can't do that. Not in your state."
"Leave me alone! I hate you!"
This was getting nowhere. Takatora sighed again. What did he do? Nothing he was saying was getting through to Mitsuzane at all. It seemed to just make him worse.
He was out of ideas. Every time he opened his mouth, he just made things worse. He was never going to get Mitsuzane to open the door at this rate.
Takatora placed a hand on the door. "I'm here whenever you're ready to talk."
There was no reply, just the muffled sound of crying coming from the other side.
...
It was very late in the night. Mitsuzane had not left his room since the fight. Takatora kept checking on him, but it was to no avail. He was just yelled at to go away every time he tried.
Takatora couldn't sleep. He was too worried about Mitsuzane. He needed to help him but yet nothing was working.
His door creaked open. He looked over. Mitsuzane stood there, his head resting on the door as he looked in. He seemed startled to find Takatora still awake.
"Nii-san..." Mitsuzane whispered, his voice trembling.
Takatora got off the bed and walked over to him. He pulled the younger boy into a hug. Mitsuzane slowly brought his arms up and returned the hug.
"Nii-san... I'm sorry..." Mitsuzane whispered. "I'm sorry I yelled at you..."
"It's okay." Takatora replied. "You're forgiven."
Mitsuzane pulled away from the hug. He wouldn't make eye contact or even look near Takatora's face. He kept his head down.
"Mitsuzane?"
"I did something bad, nii-san..."
Takatora frowned, noticing for the first time the very badly wrapped cloth around one of Mitsuzane's arms.
"Let's go take care of that then." Takatora said, gently ruffling Mitsuzane's hair.
He guided Mitsuzane to the bathroom and had him sit. He grabbed the first aid kit and opened it up.
"Are you mad at me?"
Takatora paused and looked at Mitsuzane. "No. I'm not mad."
"You're disappointed in me."
"No. I'm actually very proud of you for being able to tell me this." Takatora stated.
Mitsuzane went silent. His eyes were wide.
Takatora unwrapped the cloth from his arm and took a look. There were a few new cuts. They seemed to have stopped bleeding. Takatora set the cloth aside and grabbed a bottle.
"This is going to sting but it needs to be put on, okay?" Takatora said as he put some of the contents onto a clean rag.
Mitsuzane nodded and bit his lip. Takatora offered his free hand for him to hold. Mitsuzane took it and squeezed it tightly. As Takatora gently dabbed the rag onto his cuts, his grip got a lot tighter.
"Just a bit more. You're doing great." Takatora said.
Mitsuzane nodded. Takatora moved to apply the rag and its contents onto his other arm now. Those cuts still were worryingly fresh.
"There we go. That's all done." Takatora pulled back. "Let them air out for a bit and then we'll put some fresh bandages on them, okay?"
Mitsuzane nodded. He stared at his arms.
"When was the last time you did that before this one?" Takatora questioned. "If you're willing to tell me."
"Three days ago..."
"Will you promise me that you'll try to stop doing this?" Takatora got level with him. "Talk to me or someone if you get those urges. We can find better ways to deal with it than doing this, okay?"
"I'll try..."
"I won't be mad if you slip up and this happens again, okay? Just promise you'll tell me if it happens and it'll be alright."
Mitsuzane nodded. His eyes were getting watery again.
Takatora held out his arms. Mitsuzane hugged him. The tears came quickly.
"I love you, Mitsuzane. It pains me to know how much you've been suffering and how much of it was because of me. So, please let me take some of that pain from you. You don't need to bear my faults on your own." Takatora said.
"I'm sorry..."
"There's nothing to apologize for. Okay? It's all in the past now." Takatora replied. "May I wrap up your arms now?"
Mitsuzane nodded and let go of him. Takatora gave him a reassuring smile and began wrapping his arms. He went slowly, pausing every time Mitsuzane winced.
"There we go." Takatora said as he finished. "Do you need anything else?"
"Hug..."
Takatora set down the excess bandages and pulled him back into a hug. "I'm here... everything will be okay."
It was hard sometimes to remember that Mitsuzane was still just a kid. A kid who needed love and support to grow and yet was constantly denied that. Takatora couldn't help but resent their parents a bit for setting them up like this. If they had been around more often maybe things wouldn't have gotten so bad.
"It's late. You should try and get to bed." Takatora prompted after a little while. He didn't want to rush Mitsuzane but it was pretty late.
Mitsuzane made no attempts to move. Takatora sighed softly.
"Do you want to stay with me tonight?" He asked.
He got a nod. Takatora got to his feet, pulling Mitsuzane up with him. The younger boy refused to let go of him. Takatora smiled sadly at him.
They took a slow walk back to the bedroom. The moment Takatora was laying down on the bed, he was hugged tightly. Mitsuzane curled up as close as he could, burying his face into Takatora's shirt.
"Try and get some rest, Mitsuzane. You can wake me if you need something." Takatora said as he pulled the covers over them both.
"You won't leave... right?"
"No. I'm not going anywhere, I promise. I'll be right here."
"I'm sorry..."
"Stop apologizing. There's really nothing to be sorry about." Takatora shushed him. "I'm just glad we're able to start fixing this now. I don't want to lose you, Mitsuzane. I'd never be able to live with myself if you died."
Mitsuzane fell quiet, his grip getting a little tighter. Takatora could feel his shaking slightly. Tears started to stain his shirt.
"Nii-san..." Mitsuzane whispered.
"I'm here."
"I love you, nii-san... I'm sorry..."
"Shh... I love you too. Now please try and get some rest, okay?"
"Okay..."
It took a while, but eventually Mitsuzane's tight grip loosened as he fell asleep. Takatora kept him held in a hug as he closed his eyes. Now that he could confirm Mitsuzane was getting some rest, he could get some too.
Tomorrow would be a crazy day. There was no way around it. They would have to discuss this entire issue in depth so they could start figuring out how to fix things.
But that was for later. For now things were alright.