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To Cho Yeong, memories were a curse. They were not just recollections of past experiences, they were images in your head that could keep you awake at night. They were images that could overtake your emotions and leave you in a grief so deep you could never imagine a way out. Memories were pain.
They were, usually, of her father.
The memory of Cho Chung’s bright face, so kind and warm, made her flinch. The memory of the feel of his hand in hers as he walked with her through Cheonbugwan made her intake air as if she were drowning. The image of the day he had died, his blood shed before her very eyes, made her weep.
She barely remembered her mother’s face. She just remembered soft whispers, a brush of a gentle hand through her hair, a feeling of warmth and love and acceptance. Good things. Necessary things. Things that had been ripped away from her by the spite and ambition of one man, replaced with a cold and lonely hell where love was a fantasy. Even memories that should have been good had been corrupted. Her parents would have been so disappointed to see what she had become. What parent would ever look at the face of the Shadow Assassin and want to call her their own?
How many times growing up had she wished to forget it all? To have the slate of her mind wiped clean, so she could find some sense of peace? It had been hard enough to feel the pain, but it had been worse every time she remembered there was nothing she could do to make herself forget.
Her only goal in life had been to avenge her father. To bring justice to his killers. Through the agony, that was what had kept her going. Her one reason to live. But even that had been a fantasy. Her father’s death was no murder. It was a tragic necessity.
Then had come Jang Uk. Immature. Lazy. Entitled. And absolutely wonderful. He accepted her. He understood her. He gave her a home, a purpose, and he took her pain in his hands and soothed it.
And then she had thrust her sword through his heart.
She had heard bells ringing in her ears, and then she was watching herself move, powerless to determine what she was going to do next. She killed mages. She killed Jin Cho-yeon’s father. She almost killed her new friends.
And she had killed her betrothed.
That memory was worse than any that had ever come before, but it had been short-lived, because then she had died. For a while.
The three years she had lived without her memories after that had been, in a way, a relief. Although there had still been an emptiness inside of her - a grief - she had not known why it was there. It had been tolerable that way. Manageable. Forgettable, even.
But eventually, she had remembered, piece by piece. Eventually, it had all come back. She remembered what she had done, and it had been almost overwhelming. Almost too much to bear.
But there was Jang Uk, who had stayed by her side without knowing who she was. Her new husband, weathered and darkened by what she had done to him. She had not done any of it of her own free will. But for so long, he had not even known.
She had helped him take down Jin Mu in the full knowledge that all of their suffering lay on the Gwanju’s shoulders. She did it not only for herself, but for those she cared about, ensuring he would never hurt anyone else again.
And thanks to Jin Seol-ran, who had willingly handed her control of the body she had been inhabiting alongside her, she had been given a second chance to live her life.
The pain in her heart would not go away overnight. Not hers, or the pain of her lover and friends. They were all still hurting. But it was like taking the bandage off a wound and finding a scar. It would always be there, but in time, it would fade. It would become bearable.
And perhaps, happiness was still within reach.
A year after the day they destroyed Jin Mu and the firebird, Cho Yeong stood with Jang Uk at the top of their tree at Danhyanggok. They always came here on the day of the full moon, to remind themselves of the bond they had formed between them those years ago. A bond which only grew stronger as the months passed.
Hunting relics left them with little free time, so they cherished what they had. Yeong was not prone to moments of sentimentality, but sometimes, on days like this, when she watched the sun set with Uk, she could feel it welling up inside of her.
“Uk,” she said, breaking their comfortable silence. “Do you remember the day we met?”
“You mean when you threatened me with a crab leg at Chwiseonru?” Uk chuckled at her side. “Of course I do.”
“Thank you for taking a chance on me.”
Uk turned to look at her, surprised. He softened at the smile on her face, smiling back at her in turn. “You are happy.”
“Yes. Thanks to you.”
He leaned forward and kissed her slowly, his eyes shining. When he pulled back, he stared intently at her face, as if memorizing it. “I will remember this moment. So you can never deny you said that.”
Yeong huffed and looked away, face reddening. “Just do not get used to it. I will not repeat it.”
“That is fine,” Uk replied, still smiling. “I will just revisit this in my memory.”
So would she, though she would never tell him that. This was a good memory. These were the memories she held onto now when the painful ones threatened to swallow her whole. Memories she had made with him.
Jang Uk brushed his hand through her hair, like her mother once had. He held her hand, like her father once had. He loved her, like they both had. He was everything she had been missing since she was a child. He filled the hole in her heart that nobody else had filled.
And although she hated to say it out loud, she loved him more than anything and anyone else.