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Rei never enjoyed praise.
Mainly because any words of encouragement were a consequence of killing and he already knew he was good at his job (his father wouldn't have let him live otherwise), and that didn't necessarily made him feel proud. On the contrary, it was a reminder of the life he was forced to live but couldn't be freed from.
He remembered how he chased the feeling of validation when he was a kid, before he could really think for himself. Truth is, just like other child, he wanted to be noticed by his father. Whatever "noticed" meant for a five-year-old being raised to be the heir of the biggest assassin organization in Japan, at least.
Truth is, he was noticed by his dad, but only to be the receiver of harsh critics in form of punishments. Rei was not fond of them at all, a stern, cold voice repetitively chanting in his mind and telling him that he was nothing but a disappointment, useless, an obstacle to the family…
So, he trained. Every day, whatever tasks he had been assigned he took as a challenge to get a reaction out of his dad. He had learnt that the faster he accomplished his assignments, the harder it was for his emotions to get in the way. They usually caught up pretty fast afterwards, though, but his father didn't have to know about hat.
One day, Rei's task consisted of dodging several attacks from a dozen fight dogs with nothing but a rusted hunting knife. Rei didn't understand the reasoning behind many of the assignments, but he executed them anyways. It is not like he had a choice to begin with.
However, at seven-almost-eight-years-old, something clicked on his brain when he realized the fight dogs had been trained to kill, just like him, and Rei's emotions played dirty when he saw himself reflected on the dog's eyes.
He knew murdering the dogs, who had no choice at being raised as killing machines, would inevitably shatter a part of himself that he couldn't name yet, and wouldn't get a chance to know ever again.
He executed the task in record time.
Wounded, panting, blood dripping from his arms and hand as he gripped the rusted hunting knife and turned his gaze upwards to see his dad staring down at him, he waited for something.
Drip, drip, drip, the puddle of blood under him only grew bigger, and he felt lightheaded enough to think: are you proud of me now?
He got no answer. However, in Rei's mind, that represented a breakthrough. There were no ill comments, no spit at his feet, no disgusted gaze piercing through his head. Only silence, and steps walking away and leaving him to be fixed by one of the family doctors.
Should he… feel something? Had his emotions just disappeared completely this time, were they not supposed to catch up eventually? Should he not feel something growing in his chest because he did a… no, it wasn't a good job. But he executed a job flawlessly. So, where was the promised satisfaction?
Rei didn't achieve to feel that. His body couldn't afford it.
"Have you listened to anything I've said for the past thirty minutes?" a voice asked with an exasperated tone. It sounded thousands of miles away but simultaneously right next to his ears. "Oi, Earth to Rei! We don't have much time before Miri gets home!"
Huh, where was he?
Oh, right.
Kazuki was trying to teach him how to cook pasta. Damn it, he had zoned out for the explanation.
Sometimes he had episodes like this, where a simple glance at a seemingly unsuspecting object suddenly pulled him back to memories he didn't even knew he had. This time, it had been a rusted pocketknife his hand stumbled upon when he opened the drawer to look for a hair tie. Rei shook his head and breathed slowly, grounding himself with the blurry sight of a familiar red hoodie and blue apron in front of him, whose hand waved repeatedly in front of his eyes. When Rei could finally focus on Kazuki's face, he noticed a line forming between his brows as he stared at Rei with a questioning look, waiting for an answer. However, by the way Kazuki's eyes pierced through him, warm brown and fondness he never thought he could be the recipient of, Rei knew there hid an underlying question veiled with his partner's expression: are you okay?
Rei still had a hard time adjusting to the fact that somebody cared about him beyond his abilities to assassinate others. Of course, he knew Kazuki valued his skills too (they were partners for a reason), but he wasn't prepared to be looked after as a human being.
"Sorry, I spaced out," he confessed, sounding a bit embarrassed. It is not like these "episodes" were something he could control (he had tried, to no avail), and they were only getting more and more constant. Still, he had proposed himself (and promised Kazuki) he would make an effort to help more with Miri-related-things, and cooking was one of them.
"Alright," Kazuki answered, sighing and putting his hands on his hips. Rei stared at him as Kazuki closed his eyes and took a deep breath before looking back at him with a soft smile, nodding with absolution. Rei knew that look, it is the same Kazuki had every time he accepted a new mission, some strange purpose veiling his person. "I will explain again. Come here, since we are short in time, I'll explain as you go."
Rei complied and stood up, stabilizing himself by placing a hand on the kitchen counter as he walked to join Kazuki at the stove's side. He stood before it, several ingredients sprawled over the marble surface.
"First: wash your hands. Clean hands is the first step to every successful dish!" Kazuki stated, raising a finger to emphasize. He grabbed Rei by the collar and placed him in front of the dishwasher, handing him a bar of soap. "It is best if it is odorless, or else the scent of the soap will mix up with the food– don't get your sleeves wet. Here, let me help."
Kazuki pulled Rei's sweater's sleeves up, just above his elbow, as he absentmindedly washed his hands. The cold water, the slippery texture of the soap, and the way Kazuki's fingers gently fixed the cuffs of his sleeves helped him be present at the moment. He concentrated on those sensations and slowly felt the ground beneath his feet grow more solid and real.
"Okay, good job," Kazuki said, closing the water faucet and moving to the stove's side again. "Now, it is time to boil the water. Grab that pot and fill it halfway, then bring it here."
So, Rei did as instructed. He grabbed the pot Kazuki had settled out for him and filled it with water, balancing it while taking it to the stove. As he wobbled, some water spilled out on the kitchen floor and Rei's head snapped towards Kazuki, waiting for a reaction.
He was surprised to see the blond already staring back at him, the same line between his brows forming again. Rei suddenly felt the need to extend his arm and smooth it out with his hand, but that intrusive thought came and went as quickly as a lightning strike. Besides, if he used a hand to ease Kazuki's frown, he would definitely drop the pot full of water that hovered over the stove and that would only make the situation messier. Was he frowning about the spilled water? No, that wasn't it. Even though his eyebrows were knit together, his gaze reflected nothing but kindness. It made Rei's stomach feel uneasy.
"Don't worry about that. Next time, just remember not to fill the pot fully," he said while grabbing a towel and tossing it on the floor, right where the puddle of water begun to form. "You are doing great so far. Now, turn on the heat. I will do it once, and then you do it."
Rei stared at Kazuki's hands as he played with the stove's dials. He really had to concentrate, he reminded himself, because there were many and in order to successfully produce a flame, you had to follow a series of steps. Or well, not really a series, but two consecutive steps in a specific order. Usually, that wouldn't represent a challenge to Rei; but he still felt a little dizzy from being pulled to his past by his mind earlier. So, Rei paid close attention.
He saw how Kazuki's fingers turned the dial slowly, while talking in a steady but stern pace about how important was to remember to close the gas once you had turned the stove on. He saw calloused fingers moving up and down as he explained, the back of his hand (soft, with no scars) grazing over the pot, and finally falling on his hip.
"Your turn. I'll be here if you have any questions."
Rei had a thousand, how the hell did he turn on the stove again? This time it wasn't a distasteful memory that had made him zone out. Still, he nodded and tentatively touched one of the dials and looked back at Kazuki, as if he were a cat about to push a glass vase off of a table: expecting, waiting for permission to either cause mayhem or do something productive.
Kazuki looked back with an amused expression, the corners of his mouth trembling about to curve up and his shoulders shaking ever so slightly, "I am not laughing at you!" he exclaimed, a hand now covering his very obvious smile. "You just look funny, that is all, so stop pouting. Yes, that's the first dial, you remembered well. Now, all you need to do is press the second one, let go of the gas, and voila!"
Rei didn't even registered he was pouting (had he not a permanent one? Why was this one different?), but he turned his head back to look at the stove as took a deep (shaky?) breath when Kazuki told him he had remembered correctly. With the newfound confidence, he reached to touch the second dial.
"Ehem," Kazuki cleared his throat, looking at Rei's hand over the dial. "You might want to try again. Try to remember, I know you can do it."
Could he?
Rei froze, feeling his brows furrow in deep concentration. He remember calloused fingers moving as if they were dancing over the (too many, why the fuck were there so many?) stove dials and tried to copy the movement, stopping in one at the far end of the kitchen…
"Yes, Rei!" Kazuki beamed, and Rei couldn't help but notice something tugging at his chest. His head snapped to see the blond man raising his arms in victory, and it struck him how similar Kazuki and Miri celebrated things. He blamed the heat flushing his cheeks to being too close to the stove, "See? I knew you could do it. Now, we copy that same procedure for the sauce, while we wait for the water to boil. In our next lesson you'll learn how to make the sauce, but today you'll just learn how to heat it up."
And so, Rei turned to grab the other pot Kazuki had laid out for him when he was stopped by a hand gripping his elbow.
"Wait!" Kazuki exclaimed, taking two steps to be next to Rei, "I forgot about this."
Rei watched as Kazuki took off the blue, sharked-theme apron he was wearing over his head and moved his arms to put it on Rei. He smoothed it out, hands patting lightly at Rei's chest. "When I teach you to do laundry, you'll understand why wearing an apron is important. Stains are a pain in the ass. The other day Miri came home with a mud stain on her favorite sweater, you know the green with pink stripes one? She was furious and…"
Truth is, while he was listening to Kazuki's words, he felt his brain wasn't processing much because in the moment the blond one complained about stains, he was also tying up the apron's bands around Rei's waist. They stood face to face, Kazuki's gaze behind Rei as he absentmindedly passed both arms around him and tied a simple knot behind Rei's back and kept on babbling about laundry.
Rei stood still during the whole process. It shouldn't have taken more than thirty seconds, but Rei felt he had been standing there for hours, frozen in spot as he was almost held, almost touched, almost…
Suddenly, he noticed Kazuki's hands movements come to a halt.
"Crap. I should go pick up Miri now!" Kazuki said, suddenly taken aback as he looked at the clock. He scratched his neck, a cracked smile forming on his lips. Why was Kazuki's face so red? "I trust you enough not to burn up the apartment until I get back."
Kazuki bolted, running to the hat stand near the door and putting on his coat in an almost frantic manner. Rei still stood frozen in place, eyes wider than usual, and noticing the sudden coldness after Kazuki left his side. What has gotten into Kazuki for him to be so agitated?
"Listen, Rei, when you see little bubbles, in about five minutes… you need to pour the pasta. About three cups of it, and let it cook for ten to fifteen minutes. I'll be back by then."
He grabbed the keys as he sprinted out, opening the door.
"And turn off the sauce in ten minutes! I believe in you!"
The door shut closed with a loud bang!
…
What the fuck.
Rei slowly began to re-gain his senses, only then noticing he had been holding his breath for the past minute. He let it go as he stabilized himself with the kitchen counter. What had happened?
He felt dizzy as he moved mechanically to repeat the process Kazuki had explained only a few minutes ago, almost rushing so he didn't forget any details and concentrating enough on the automatic movements of putting the pot on the stove, pouring the sauce, tossing the container on the dishwasher, turning the water faucet back on, turning to the stove…
It was oddly familiar how he waited for his emotions to kick in, but truth is, he couldn't really name what he felt at the moment. This whole time, while Kazuki explained with the patience of a million saints how to do basic human tasks, he had felt uneasy. The warm feeling on his chest, a knot on his stomach that seemed to reach his throat, heat on his cheeks and coldness of his hands. Shaky legs. Shortness of breath. All those symptoms Rei could categorize and recognize as fear, but he didn't feel unsafe. Quite the contrary, actually.
He shook his head and blinked several times, bringing himself back to reality. He could procrastinate to feel his emotions at a later time. He had a mission at hand, one of the hardest ones he had ever encountered: turning on the stove without Kazuki's guidance.
Rei used the hair tie he grabbed earlier to pin up his hair in a half bun. It was getting longer than usual and he was certain Kazuki would remind him it was time for his bi-annual trim anytime now. Somehow, having his hair up made his senses sharpen, turning immediately into mission mode. He adjusted Kazuki's apron on himself and turned the dials, hoping something of the blonde's cooking knowledge to have somehow rubbed on the apron he wore at the moment…
Suddenly, the stove turned on!
"Yes!" he muttered to himself, and felt the phantom of a smile slowly creeping up to his lips, a pleasant sensation spreading on his chest that made his lungs feel bigger, as if he could breathe in after being deprived of oxygen for a while.
He glanced at the clock, it had been about five minutes since Kazuki left to pick up Miri. Which means he would be back in approximately 20 minutes.
Okay, he thought, now what?
Oh, check for bubbles. Pour the pasta… or was it pour the pasta before the bubbles?
Damn it.
Either way, he had no choice, because when he took a glance at the water, he saw the bubbles Kazuki described, simmering and boiling gently. Rei grabbed the closest cup he had –one of Miri's pink, veggie tales themed one– and he poured exactly three content's worth of pasta on the pot.
Was something… supposed to happen? Wasn't it supposed to sizzle or made any sound? Maybe the water wasn't hot enough? It didn't smell of anything either. Rei was too lost in thought when he noticed his body acted before him and foolishly had a finger touching the water just to check.
SHIT! Of course it was hot enough, at least Rei was now sure of it. The idiot.
It wasn't anything big, his finger stayed on the water for no longer than two seconds, but it still stung a bit, redness slowly involving it. Rei just hoped Kazuki didn't scold him for it.
Oh, right, how much time had passed?
He checked the clock, fifteen minutes had passed since Kazuki left. Was he… supposed to do something else but wait for the pasta to cook?
The sound of liquid spilling over the stove answered for him, the sauce now boiling and leaking out of the pot.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!
He quickly turned off the stove and watched how the sauce settled, its simmer slowly but shortly coming to a halt. He stirred it –with a spoon, this time– and looked at the mess before him.
Red sauce now covered pretty much the entire counter's surface. Some pasta beads laid on the floor from when he poured it on the boiling water, the dishwasher to the brim with containers and plates (did they fucking multiply? He was only making pasta for god's sake, not a million dollar Michelin dish), towel on the floor from when he first spilled the water… Rei took a deep breath. He couldn't even make a simple dish for his daughter without blowing it up tremendously. His fingers pinched the bridge of his nose as he thought of his partner coming home to it, and shame suddenly filled his lungs.
Useless, nothing but a disappointment, just an obstacle to the family…
However, something else filled his brain. Kazuki's voice resonated louder than the cold, stern one who hollered how useless he was. A fond, warm, honey dripped-kind of voice chanted "good job, you are doing great so far, you remembered well, I knew you could do it,
I trust you,
I believe in you".
Huh.
Kazuki believed he was capable of doing the pasta dish for Miri. Rei knew Kazuki believed in many lost causes, the hopeful, optimistic, cheerful, eager blond man he had for a partner remaining a fool by being positive about the future despite of his past. Rei admired Kazuki in many ways, although he knew more than anyone the blond also had his faults: he was obtrusive, meddlesome, a dead weight at the beginning of their partnership, he worried unreasonably, overprotective, adjourned all of the world's misfortunes on his shoulders, and most of all, he cared way too much. Rei still felt conflicted about how the last one was more of a fault than a strength.
But Kazuki believed in him, and in his newfound ability to overcome domestic challenges. So he had no other option than to not be another of Kazuki's lost causes, and grabbed a towel to clean up.
-
"Rei-papa, we are home!"
Miri's cheerful voice reverberated through the apartment as she ran to find Rei, little feet tapping excitedly.
"We are home! Miri, take off your shoes. Sorry, Rei, Miri took a little longer to pick up her things and–"
"Rei-papa, did you make this?"
Rei sat in his usual spot, Kazuki's blue apron still on –and tainted with a big red splatter of sauce–. He watched as Miri climbed up her chair and stared at the dish before her.
Truth is, it didn't look great. He had struggled with straining the pasta and it was possible some of the water had mixed with the sauce and created a more-than-ideal-too-liquid tomato dressing. It was also possible the pasta might be just a tad bit overcooked, as Rei forgot about it while he tried to clean the stove of the spilled sauce before realizing that the boiling water was also starting to overspill. However, it was definitely eatable. He hoped.
"Yeah," he answered, eyes fixed on the dish, "It is pasta. You can try it. It is okay if you don't like it–"
"REI-PAPA, I AM SO HAPPY!" Miri interrupted him, beaming as she climbed down her chair and climbed onto Rei's lap. "Did you make some for Kazuki-papa, too?"
"Y-yeah," Rei replied, adjusting himself and holding Miri securely on his arms. She wiggled until she could put her elbows on the table as Rei pulled the dish for it to be in front of them. When he looked up, he saw Kazuki staring back at them, his arms crossed over his chest and his head slightly tilted. Rei, whose brain still chanted (almost whispering) 'I believe in you' in Kazuki's voice, couldn't help but notice the knot on his chest untighten, "If he wants to try it."
"Of course I want to try it." Kazuki replied, matter-of-factly. He walked to stand next to where Rei and Miri sat, "But first, Miri, go wash your hands. Remember the lesson you saw today about germs?"
"Yuck!" Miri exclaimed, now wiggling down and leaving Rei's lap. "Miri doesn't want germs in her food!" her nose scrunched up in the most adorable way as she ran to the bathroom, humming a song about germs. Rei stared at her, his chest growing softer by the minute. This is why he burned his finger, he thought, just to see her happy and healthy. He could afford to burn all ten of them millions of times if it meant he could help in keeping Miri as cheerful as she was now.
"May I?"
Kazuki held a fork, pointing at the pasta dish in front of him. He looked at Rei with expectant eyes, brows soft and cheeks slightly pink. It must be from carrying Miri all the way here, Rei thought. He nodded, and watched as the blond man took a bite of the dish.
"I had an accident with the sauce, so it may be too liquid," he began explaining, his mouth moving faster than his brain, "Also, the pasta might be too soft because the water spilled and I didn't know how to strain it, so the texture is probably off–"
"Rei," Kazuki said, after chewing for a couple of seconds. Rei's gaze was fixed at the dish, not feeling prepared to see the expression on Kazuki's face. However, after sensing the silence was too long, he looked up, waiting for something.
This time, fondness struck him. He was not met with a cold, disgusted face, but with a warm and full of kindness, rosy, smiling one. His breath hitched, but it didn't feel asphyxiating at all.
"Not bad at all, I knew you could do it. Miri likes when the pasta is on the softer side, so she will love it," Kazuki stated, taking another bite out of the dish Rei prepared, "Next time, remind me to add a little more salt to the sauce. Well, we'll do it together."
"All done!" Miri ran and climbed up her chair again, making grabby hands at the dish that sat on Rei's side. Kazuki passed it to her but remained standing next to Rei, his arm almost grazing Rei's shoulder.
"Thank you for the food!" she exclaimed and chew right on the pasta. Rei glared at her, expecting again.
Miri wore her heart on her sleeve. He knew Kazuki did too, but he could conceal his feelings just a tad bit better than a four-year-old. However, Miri's thousands of expressions were something he was still getting used to everyday, because she couldn't hide anything she felt at all.
That is why, when Miri smiled with sauce dripping out of the corner of mouth, spilling a few pasta beads on the kitchen counter as she reached her arms up in celebration (mirroring how Kazuki had done the exact same thing a couple of moments ago), he knew the pasta wasn't a complete waste of time.
Miri talked while chewing, "Rei-papa, it is so chewy! Softer than the one Kazuki-papa makes!"
Rei could feel himself smirking as he turned to see Kazuki, his eyes flinching so slightly as the smile he had since he tried the pasta cracked a little bit, but he regained his composure quickly. He put his hands on his hips, the way he did whenever he wanted to act like an authority, "Miri, chew with your mouth closed."
The little girl nodded and continued eating (devouring? Did all four year olds ate like this? Had she not eaten enough breakfast?) the pasta. Rei watched dumbfounded as she didn't once complained about the texture, or the sauce being too watery, or the pasta lacking flavor, or…
"Oi, what happened to your finger?" Kazuki interrupted his train of thought, eyes fixed on his –now bandaged– burned finger. He had an eyebrow raised as he waited for an answer.
"I touched the boiling water," Rei confessed while shrugging. He waited for Kazuki to jump, tell him off about kitchen safety, holler about how he needed to pay more attention to his surroundings not only on missions but in his domestic life, too.
Instead, he got a hand pressed on his shoulder, firm but tender at the same time.
"Ah, happens to the best of us," Kazuki stated, wistful tone to his voice, "When I began cooking, I wore band aids for days on end. You'll get better at it, with practice."
"´suppose," Rei said, all his senses suddenly being pulled by the warmth of Kazuki's hand on his shoulder, radiating towards his arm, his neck, his chest. He didn't turn his face, but his eyes stared at the arm that was almost flushed to his cheek.
"Mhm," Kazuki agreed, and he pinched a little bit harder at Rei's shoulder. His thumb made circles on his skin as he said, "I'm proud of you. You did a good job today."
And Rei felt something unfamiliar, something he thought had been lost and shattered more than a decade ago when he had to use a rusted hunting knife to execute a mission, blooming on his chest, as if a loose wire had suddenly reconnected and began sending air through his lungs. He tensed, holding his breath, but relaxed immediately, and felt his lips curving ever so slightly. He blamed how lightheaded he felt on… on… he couldn't tell. But he tilted his face to meet the hand that rested on his shoulder as he stared at Miri, who was still chugging the food.
"Thank you," he muttered, voice not louder than a whisper.
He decided he would look up recipes that night.