Work Text:
Rei was on his deathbed.
He had been through a lot in his life: torture, abandonment, gunshots, stab wounds, burns, broken bones, and pretty much every near-death experience even the most gruesome mind could imagine.
Who knew the common cold would be his ultimate demise?
It had started with Miri, one late Friday afternoon after she came home from a birthday party. She was exhausted of course, but when Rei put her to bed (and kissed her goodnight, something she demanded now), he heard her sneeze twice. Rei closed the door and tried not to think about it, especially after his last experience with Miri being sick. He shuddered at the thought but told himself it was probably allergies.
It was not allergies.
The next day Miri woke up with a very slight fever, and although Rei knew this time it was different (they had Kazuki at home, who always knew what to do in moments where Rei felt utterly helpless) he still found it hard to breathe whenever Miri sneezed.
Miri was fine. If anything, she enjoyed being pampered and cuddled more than usual. Kazuki made sure to cook anything and everything she wanted to eat, and Rei let her play Morio Kart for as long as she wanted, even competing against her and losing to see her shriek with joy. She was getting better at it, Rei noticed, and it made his chest grow with something he couldn't quite name, but he felt it every time Miri succeeded in doing something challenging. Her fever came and went as swiftly as a breeze, but the next few days, Rei started to feel under the weather.
He brushed it under the rug, thinking his body was just catching up for the exhaustion of the last couple of days. Turns out, he could easily pull all-nighters gaming or in a mission, but pulling all-nighters to take care of a sick child was on another level. Kazuki offered to take the night shifts, but Rei knew more than anyone that Kazuki started feeling sleepy at 7 p.m. and would be on bed at 8 p.m. sharp if it weren't for his parental duties. Hence, Rei insisted ‘just because you'd fall asleep on the job' he argued, but Kazuki complied.
He just seemed moodier than normal, or at least that is what Rei wanted to convey. He didn't want Miri to worry or Kazuki to make him eat vegetable soup and chicken broth, and he didn't want to slack jobs. Life had been… domestic, lately. Of course, they could never have a normal 9 to 5, goes-to-the-club-on-weekends-and-brunches-with-friends kind of life; but Kyutaroo had cut them some slack and for a couple of months now their works consisted of small targets or just gathering intel. Neither Kazuki nor Rei acknowledged it, but they shared a silent agreement on doing their best in these types of missions so Kyutaroo would continue with his benevolence.
So, when he missed a shot because he suddenly had a coughing fit, of course Kazuki noticed and scolded him. Not for missing a shot, Rei had to remind himself, but because he was sick and didn't tell Kazuki.
Why would he tell Kazuki, though? It is not like the guy was a doctor. Of course, he knew what to do with Miri when she was sick, making her feel better almost instantly with kisses and cuddles and games, but she was his daughter. Their daughter, Rei's mind corrected him. Kazuki was just his partner, Rei wasn't his responsibility to begin with.
So now, feeling miserable with a cold ice-pack pressed to his forehead while Kazuki waited for the digital thermometer to finish taking his temperature, Rei felt thoroughly confused.
"Don't talk with the thermometer on your mouth, dumbass, or it won't take your temperature correctly," Kazuki scolded, hands on his hips as his foot tapped lightly on the floor. "And you'll take your pills after it, no complaints, I don't want to hear it."
Rei nodded. It is not like he had energy to complain anyways, and he knew that fighting Kazuki on this was a losing battle. Yes, Kazuki had taken care of him before, back when he felt like nothing but a robot with no mind of his own. It seemed like a good exchange, having someone to clean the apartment and cook for him while Rei let his co-worker crash on his couch; but somewhere along the line Kazuki started to do things for him instead of for both of them, like cutting his hair or bathing him, and the title ‘co-worker' had evolved to ‘partner' and Rei's head hurt too much to continue producing any more thoughts.
Something amusing for Rei between his sore throat, stuffy nose and pounding headache is that Miri liked to play doctor. At first, Rei tried for Miri to stay away from him, worried she might catch the bug again, but Kazuki reassured him it would be very unlikely since she was the one who infected him. Either way, they agreed it would be best not to take chances, and Rei had stayed in his room (yes, his actual room, not the bathtub) for the last couple of days. Kazuki told Miri her Rei-papa was sick, and Miri took it personally to make him feel better. She remained out of the room but talked with Rei though the door (Miri talked, Rei listened and responded with ‘uhm', ‘I see', ‘good job', and variants of such), but today she would be on a friend's house (Taiga, Rei remembered, only because the boy shared his lunch with Miri when Kazuki forgot her bento box), and Rei admitted he missed their one-sided conversations.
She drew him at least two cards per day, one in school and one as soon as she got home, and delivered them by sliding the cards under the bedroom door. Usually, the cards contained drawings of Rei, Kazuki and Miri engaging on domestic activities; like eating dinner, watching TV, sleeping, playing together or just existing in the same space. Other times, Miri drew about her day in daycare, trying to tell Rei through clumsy, rough pictures what she had learnt that day. Looking at the pictures, Rei felt his sickness slowly get lighter, and thought that the best medicine were Miri's scribbles of ‘Get better soon, Rei-papa!'
"Shit." Kazuki hissed as he took the thermometer out of Rei's mouth. Rei's eyes were closed, but he could feel the blond man staring at him with furrowed brows. Rei found it amusing, how Kazuki had patched him up innumerable times after missions, but most of those times he seemed angry. Right now, Rei was feverish enough to think he was worried about him. Huh.
"'m fine, Kaz– ah!"
Rei gasped when he felt Kazuki's cold hand at the side of his neck, his eyes bolting wide open like a switch. Indeed, Kazuki stared down at him with furrowed brows, his lips pressed into a thin line as his hand moved from the side of his neck to his check and his chest. Rei stood still as a statue, and felt a coughing fit coming as the blood rushed into his ears. He literally could physically feel the blood traveling through his veins. Ouch. His head hurts. Everything hurts. He would take a gunshot to whatever fucking virus this was any day.
"You're burning up more than I thought," Kazuki said in a breath. "Take the pills, but if your temperature doesn't go down in the next couple of hours, we might need to go to the hospital."
"No." Rei stated, clearing his throat as he tried not to cough. His voice sounded dry as a desert, "This is stupid."
"It is not stupid!" Kazuki shrieked, his voice traveling with him to the kitchen as he ran to bring water. He entered the room with several pills on one hand, and a jar of fresh water on the other, "D'you know why the virus hit you as hard? Because you are not eating well! Or taking your vitamins! Hell, we even bought the gummy ones. There is no excuse."
Rei let himself be scolded as he slowly sat up rolling his eyes, but the coughing fit he was trying to suppress finally broke through and his chest felt like it was on fire as his throat felt drier and drier. He felt the coughs were flames traveling all the way from his lungs to his trachea. This sucks, his mind repeated over and over as his whole body trembled and ached from the effort of coughing, but a firm hand supported his back as it drew comforting circles and the person attached to it (Kazuki? Why was Kazuki caressing his back?) mumbled reassuring words. Kazuki must be right, Rei thought, his fever must be off the charts for him to imagine this and let alone allow himself be treated like so. Feverish enough to let his head fall and feel as it was met by a soft fabric that smelled of Kazuki, and felt like him too.
"There, there, you are fine," Kazuki whispered, the voice sounding way too close to Rei's ears. "Drink this so you'll feel better, and then try to sleep a little bit. I'll be around, don't worry."
Truth is, that didn't sound so bad. Sleeping seemed like the only thing that would keep him unconscious enough for him not to feel his head pounding, and the fact that this very kind stranger that sounded like Kazuki offered to look over him make his chest ache in an oddly comforting way. Usually he wouldn't accept it, his body would fight to stay awake and finish whatever mission he was on. Once, he had managed to kill a whole gang while bleeding profusely from a gunshot on his tight, drove himself home, stitched the wound himself and worked the next day. That was before Kazuki, of course, the blond one would never let him do that under his surveillance. And this nice man reminded Rei of his partner (but it couldn't be Kazuki, he thought, Kazuki wouldn't let Rei lay his head on his chest just because he was sick), and he felt strangely safe, so he took the risk.
He nodded as he drank whatever liquid the man gave him, along with several pills, and felt as he was gently laid back down on a soft mattress, a calloused but soft hand caressing his forehead and lingering there for a while. Rei felt as the hand brushed his hair away from his face, leaving soft touches on his cheek, his nose, his jaw, the corner of his mouth. He felt himself leaning to the touch, his face searching for as if it were a magnet. He heard a scoff, or was it a soft laugh? It sounded like Kazuki's laughter, the one he did when Miri did an impossibly adorable thing and he had no option other that sweeping her up in his arms and fill her face with kisses. The memory made Rei feel better, and he let himself be swept up by sleep, falling into it effortlessly.
_
Rei ran, but his lungs were on fire.
It was too hot. The place was too hot, everything engulfed in flames as he ran to exit the building and jump in the car with Kazuki to flee the place. His lungs hurt, and maybe his face was also burning. Each step he took was agonizing, but he finally saw the familiar yellow car. He ran as fast as his legs let him but he seemed to be stuck in place, not moving an inch although his body bolted through flames.
He saw the car approaching him, but it was too dangerous! Why would Kazuki drive towards the flames? Was he out of his mind? The car would catch on fire and it could explode!
Rei tried screaming, but not a sound emerged from his throat. He felt the name Kazuki stuck in his lungs as he fell to the ground, unable to move, feeling his body impossibly hot and his breathing getting shallower and shallower, almost asphyxiating, almost…
"Hey! I said wake up!"
Rei gasped, but the sudden rush of air passing through his lungs still felt like the flames from his dream. He took a few seconds to recognize his surroundings, the rush of adrenalin being enough for him to open his eyes and sit on the bed as he looked around, his fist gripping the bed sheet.
He was in his room. Judging from the light that entered the window, it was early afternoon. The bed felt damp for some reason, and he also felt damp, why was there a thin layer of dampness on his skin? Was he sweating? Why was he sweating?
He had to get up, but as he went to do so, he felt hands on his shoulders pressing him in place, and remembered why he was in his room in the first place.
"Jeez, man, don't scare me like that," Kazuki said, his voice sounding thin as a small smile adorned his lips, but a small crease danced between his brows, "It took me longer than usual, waking you up. You alright?"
Rei stared at Kazuki, who was not in danger whatsoever, and let go a breath he didn't know he was holding. Now, with the adrenaline gone, it appeared that his body was slowly coming back to his senses. His muscles relaxed, letting go of all the tension he held in his sleep. He suddenly felt very dizzy, and was thankful for Kazuki's firm hands on his shoulders that grounded him.
But he was also aware of how his body ached, and wished to go back to unconscious bliss.
"Yeah, fine," he managed to say, now diverting his gaze from Kazuki and into his own lap. He blinked several times, slowly, as if blinking itself hurt (Rei felt his eyelashes were heavy, that is how tired he was).
"Your temperature hasn't gone up, but it hasn't come down either. However, I think that even if you sleep was, uhm, not peaceful," he cleared his throat before continuing, how did Kazuki know he had a nightmare? Rei had no energy to ask, "it helped you a bit. You don't look as dead as before."
Rei felt himself smirking at that. Usually he wouldn't react at such bad jokes, but maybe the fever got a hold of him and it was ironic that Kazuki's scale of how well Rei looked ranged from ‘looks dead' to ‘not as dead'. At least right now he knew the man in front of him was Kazuki, and not just a really handsome lookalike.
Huh.
He ignored how his brain placed the word ‘handsome' and ‘Kazuki' next to each other, and fought another coughing fit. He felt as lightheaded as ever, the torturing headache he had before still somewhere, but definitely less present than before. He didn't have the energy to unfold the warm feeling on his chest when he noticed Kazuki's hand still on his shoulders, his thumbs stroking lazy circles on his collarbone.
"So, as you can't take more pills for the next few hours, and you are not as dead as before, taking a bath is the next best option."
"A bath?" Rei's gaze shoot up, meeting Kazuki's. The soft smile hadn't left his visage, but the frown of his brows had lessened notoriously, being replaced by an amused gaze.
"Yup. With fresh, almost cold water. It helps bring down the body temperature and honestly, when was the last time you used the bathtub not for sleeping?"
Rei couldn't argue, for he really did not remember the last time he took a proper bath. His mind was very hazy now, but still, he imagined it had been at least three days, if not more. If this had happened a couple years ago, before Kazuki, he would just shrug his shoulders and ignore it. Bathing was not a priority back then, brushing his teeth a thing he did once every couple of days if at all, let alone changing his clothes. Existing, Rei thought, was a heavy burden, and he wouldn't mind it if it just… stopped, because there was no point. Then, when he met Kazuki, his outlook in life didn't change immediately, but the sudden company made him feel something he wasn't sure he had felt before: curiosity. He was genuinely confused as to why this stranger had taken upon him to take care of a very, very much helpless 22 year-old-fresh-out-of-the-organization Rei Suwa. So he stuck around, just to see, and because he had nothing better to do. And Kazuki sneaked his way into Rei's apartment, then Rei's life, and Rei's…
"So? I know the last thing you want to do right now is take a bath, but there's really no other option." Kazuki stood up, his hands leaving Rei's shoulders. Rei felt his body slump slightly forwards with the loss of the stability Kazuki gave him, but he had enough force to remain seated. He saw how Kazuki's hand now rested on the blonde's hip, "I'll start filling the tub, in the meantime, try to slowly put your feet on the ground. If you get too dizzy, just wait until I come back."
Kazuki left before Rei could gather his thoughts, but he complied, shifting slightly to put his feet on the ground. The floor was freezing, Rei thought, or maybe he was just burning up. He placed his hand on the wall as he slowly tried to stand up, closing his eyes shut when a pang of dizziness struck his head.
It wasn't that bad. He had felt worse before he took that anything-but-peaceful nap. He was sure he could take a few steps from here to the downstairs bathroom as long as he had the wall to support him. He had to open his eyes for that, though.
Terrible decision. The ground was suddenly not beneath his feet but over his head and the whole room was spinning as he felt bile come up his throat, his body slumping forwards and aiming towards the floor.
But he did not hit the floor as someone caught him just before his knees hit the ground.
"What did I told you, Rei?" Kazuki scolded, his voice louder than before. Huh, how did he get there that fast? And why was he holding Rei in his arms? Just what had happened in the second he opened his eyes to walk?
Kazuki seized him just as he was about to hit the floor, his arms holding Rei's waist and shoulders as he stood face to face with the boy. Rei's eyes still couldn't focus much, but he saw at least four Kazuki's dancing in his view, all with furrowed brows and an angry pouts in their mouths, "If you felt dizzy, you wait for me to come back. Don't walk when you are this weak."
That comment made something in Rei's chest sting, although he couldn't pinpoint what exactly made him feel uneasy. The way Kazuki had said weak… it had no ill intent behind. He stated a fact: Rei couldn't work like this, his stubborn illness holding them back. Then again, Rei really couldn't understand why he could resist being stabbed and tortured but not a common cold.
Why was he so weak now? It was an unfamiliar territory for him, not being able to brush away any ailment or wound, his body seeming to catch up with every sickness he ever had in his fucking life to come back and bite him in the ass now.
Only one Kazuki stared at him now, a deep line still between his brows, an upset expression veiling his face. However, his eyes spoke a thousand other words, a language Rei was only starting to get fluent on: they were as soft as ever, perhaps a little bit discontented, but worry filling his whole gaze.
"Sorry. I thought I could walk," he sighed, his voice still dry but not as fried as before. There, being held by Kazuki (and holding him, too, as Rei's hand gripped Kazuki's forearms for stability), he felt more grounded than he had in days. He hoped his eyes conveyed as much emotion as Kazuki's eyes did, but he knew his facial expressions were limited, even to him. Getting a hold of his own expressions is still something he actively worked on.
"It's alright," Kazuki sighed, "Sorry if I sounded harsh. I just got worried for a minute." he continued, as if the fact that he was worried for Rei wasn't a confession. Rei admired how Kazuki was quick with words, just saying what he wanted to say, a direct connection of his mind, heart and mouth. Rei's connection had been severed ages ago, or he truly didn't know if he ever had one to begin with.
Rei only nodded at that as he tried to take another step, this time with Kazuki's help, but his partner stayed fixed in place, looking at him.
"Rei, you look awful."
Well, what a way to lighten the mood. Kazuki was maybe too quick with words for his liking. Rei answered with a cold glare, wasn't that something already obvious?
"Don't look at me like that! What I mean is, you are truly in no condition to function as a human being," had he ever? Rei thought, but didn't move as Kazuki continued. "So… let me help you, this once. It'd be like old times."
Like old times, huh?
Rei scoffed at the comment, his hair almost brushing Kazuki's face. Being taken care of this way, of course it reminded Rei of their first months together. However, back then, he was no more than a robot: no true mind of his own, no desires or wants for himself. The times Rei allowed himself be seen like this he acted aloof, indifferent to any interaction or glance Kazuki would give him. Rei acted as if he didn't care because he truly did not care about himself at all, let alone how others perceived him. It is not that he was distant or detached, it is that there was nothing to be close or attached to but a sack of skin and bones. He didn't know how to be human, and to this day Rei struggled with what being human meant to him.
However, he couldn't fool himself into thinking he was aloof and distant anymore. Yes, he might not look attached, or specially engaged with family life, or even happy to be around, but that was just muscle memory. Showing no emotion was something he mastered pretty much from birth, feeling no emotion… Rei had to do a conscious effort every time. And now, feverish, with Kazuki so close to him just asking Rei to let him help him, he couldn't stop the waves of fondness that filled his chest.
How come he was the object of such emotions? How come Kazuki was still so determined to help him, when Rei had nothing to offer? He couldn't understand. He wasn't sure he had the capacity to understand it, even healthy. He would add that to the list of things that made no sense in his head.
Of course, he didn't tell Kazuki any of this. Instead, he nodded twice, feeling his brain swim and clash against his skull, and let himself be almost carried to the downstairs bathroom.
The tub was filled halfway, but no steam came from it, and Rei remembered Kazuki said he had to bathe with fresh (almost cold) water to bring his temperature down. He groaned, but that only made Kazuki snicker softly.
"I can hear you thinking from here. Yes, the water is not warm, but this is out of necessity. You can take a warm shower afterwards," Kazuki said as he helped Rei sit down on the edge of the bathtub. He let go of Rei's waist, but still held his shoulder tightly, keeping him in place. He placed his other hand on Rei's forehead, a thinking expression veiling his gaze, "You should go in quickly, before your fever flares up again."
Kazuki slowly took his hand away from Rei's shoulder, letting it linger near him, as if he waited for Rei to slump either towards him or the water. But Rei stood still, although still a little bit dizzy from all his thoughts. And the fever.
He nodded, and crossed his arms to take his shirt off before a shudder took over his body. He was freezing, but he also hissed from the soreness he felt when moving his arms upwards. He had hissed, actually showed discomfort… not in his plans. Then again, there were only so many things he could blame the fever for.
"Can… can I help you?"
An opening.
Kazuki didn't touch him, but his hands lingered close to him, waiting for permission. This is ridiculous, Rei thought, both the situation and the way he felt about it. Truly, the scene seemed straight out of a sitcom: just a hitman, heir of the most influential family in Japan and probably the whole world, being incapable of taking his own shirt off because he had sore muscles, and his co-worker/partner/only friend/buddy/co-parent/something, who was also a hitman, asking to help him.
He begged the person who was writing this season of his life to take a break, maybe find another hobby.
It was also ridiculous that he felt safe enough for Kazuki to do so. Embarrassed? Of course, he wished for the ground beneath his feet to open and be swallowed by it, never to return or be seen by any other living soul. But he didn't feel threatened. Then again, this wasn't the first time Kazuki had ripped his shirt off –wounds were usual in their line of work, and sometimes shirts were only an obstacle to cure the bloody mess of his injuries. It wasn't even the first time Kazuki undressed him in the bathtub, as he had done so several times in the first months of meeting each other.
However, there was an air of unspoken feelings surrounding them now. Rei was only half-aware of his (but 0% conscious of what they meant), and was pretty sure Kazuki had none at all: only because his partner was an open book with most things, and Rei figured this would be one of them.
The fact that Kazuki asked made him think perhaps he had also noticed this strange shift of energy, and Rei had to assure him that nothing had changed between them. So, he spoke.
"Yeah. It is not like we haven't done this before," he deadpanned, seeming as calm as ever. In reality, his skin buzzed as a loose electricity wire, waiting for contact. Oh, also because of the fever… of course, Rei reminded himself, the damn thing.
"Y-yeah, of course!" Kazuki said, scratching the back of his neck before kneeling down and pressing his fingers on Rei's shirt, taking it off in a swift motion, his hands barely touching any skin.
He tossed the soaked-in-sweat shirt on the bathroom floor before moving his hands to Rei's pajama pants. Rei noticed Kazuki's hand slightly pause before he placed them around Rei's hips, firmly.
"I need you to stand a little bit, you can use my shoulders for support," Kazuki said, but Rei couldn't see his face as it was covered by blond hair. But it was fine, Rei told himself, this wasn't the first time Kazuki had done this. Why would he feel different?
God, he had to act fast, he felt as lightheaded as ever and he could feel his cheeks burning again. He was certain the fever was starting to flare up.
So, he used Kazuki's shoulders and back to support himself as he stood up, Kazuki's head now being close to Rei's chest. It was fast, a quick motion and he sat back down on the edge of the bathtub, now only in his boxers. Kazuki readily put a hand under his arms as he lowered Rei's body on the water, his arms also getting soaked by the freezing– fuck, Kazuki, what the fuck, this is not fresh-cold water, this is like swimming inside an iceberg, you liar, what the-
"That is the most words you've said in the last three months," Kazuki laughed as he spoke, still with his hands under Rei's arms, "It is really not that cold, it is just that you are too hot– I mean, you are burning hot– shit, you know, from the fever and stuff. Not for other reasons."
What the fuck.
So, Rei had said the last line of his thoughts out loud. Not on his plans, but then again, there were many things that weren't going his way today, and he actually meant those words. His whole body shuddered, goosebumps covering every inch of his skin. He trembled so much, in fact, that Kazuki's words didn't really register in his brain. He felt even colder when the arm who held him left his back and hurriedly turned away from him to grab a towel, frantically drying it.
Rei found the situation amusing more than anything else, and a smirk left his lips, although he was sure Kazuki couldn't see it because he was too busy not facing Rei. He took two steps towards the door.
"I'll be in the kitchen. I will leave the door open for… uhm… just, call me if you need me!"
And he left, bolting towards the kitchen counter and grabbing what seemed to be hundreds of ingredients and mixing them frantically in a bowl. His movements seemed almost animated, arms dashing as he cooked… something.
His feverish brain reached a conclusion, and it made perfect sense to him: Kazuki had also fallen ill, the poor thing. That would explain why his skin seemed so hot to touch earlier, why he had issues with his words (Kazuki never stuttered, whatever he said he meant it), and why he acted so worried. Fever made people do crazy things, Rei thought.
Crazy things like almost snorting in laughter as he saw his roommate in the kitchen pretty much juggling spices, running from one end of the counter to the other, and making a mess with the bowls in the process. Crazy things as letting himself think about Miri watching the scene and imagining her giggles. Crazy things as smiling softly at the sight and letting his chest be filled with the closest thing to happiness he could name: security, belonging, and purpose.
He held his breath as he submerged his head under the water to quiet his mind.
His chest felt light, almost if it wanted to let out a laugh, but it was soon cut short by a gasp as he tried to wash his hair.
Yes, he could wet his hair, but his arms were too sore to move them upwards and actually use shampoo.
Crazy things like the words his mouth spilled out before his brain caught up.
"Kazuki." he called, voice loud enough for the blond man to hear in the midst of his battle with the ingredients. The plastic spice's tiny containers fell comically on the kitchen counter, but Kazuki was right next by the bathroom door, staring at him with expecting eyes, waiting, "Can you… uh… help me wash my hair?"
Suddenly, the water wasn't as cold. No, Rei thought it was almost scolding hot, swearing he could see bubbles as it boiled from the heat emerged by his body when he said those words. He was conscious enough to realize it really wasn't from the fever, but he wished to be knocked unconscious by it again as soon as possible.
He held his breath, about to submerge his head back underwater and stay there until he lost consciousness, when he heard Kazuki let out a sigh, so microscopic it was almost indistinguishable. Kazuki wore a soft smile. It was terribly sweet, that smile he usually used when Miri asked them to sleep together, or when she told him dinner tasted hyper-delicious. Not fit for him, Rei thought, that tenderness really didn't suit Rei.
"Sure, you dork," the word sounded almost like a term of endearment when Kazuki wore that stupid, fond expression Rei couldn't process.
And so, Kazuki sat on the edge of the bathtub, swiftly putting shampoo on his hands and starting to massage Rei's scalp.
Rei swore he could fall asleep in that moment if it weren't for the rapid beating of his heart. His eyes fluttered shut, allowing himself to feel Kazuki's fingers traveling through his hair, slowly detangling the knots that had formed over lying in bed for almost a week straight. Kazuki's fingers were cold to touch, which left an extremely pleasant sensation to his head that was hot with fever and too many thoughts to count.
He didn't utter a word, but now that his head didn't hurt as much as before, he tried to understand why he felt so helpless over a fever, but he still couldn't seem to gather an answer. Instead, he settled for letting his mind speak. Kazuki was already seeing him like this, almost naked, and he deserved an apology.
"I'm sorry," Rei said, voice as low as possible. "I don't know why I am so useless over a damn fever."
Kazuki's hand halted for a moment, fingers stopping before he continued massaging his head. Rei felt his movements became… softer? As if they were a mix between washing, and caressing, "You feel sorry over being sick? You do realize how silly that sounds, right?" Kazuki said, his voice sounding amused but a little thin, "Who are you apologizing to, the germs your body is killing by giving you a fever?"
Rei shook his head, slightly leaning into Kazuki's hands. He was sure he could fall asleep any minute now, "This must be bothersome to you. It is a thankless job to look after me."
The massage stopped abruptly.
It wasn't Rei's intention to say those words, really. But somehow, they had been engraved into his head, that mild argument they had the day before getting Miri. Rei sat at the table in a terrible mood because Kazuki didn't let him keep a cat, so when Kazuki asked him for his opinion on the food, he said it was 'alright'.
It was obviously delicious, but Rei didn't feel like giving Kazuki any face that day. So, when Kazuki said that it was a thankless job to look after him, Rei deadpanned then don't do it.
It was something said out of anger, Rei knew. He was very conscious where he would be without Kazuki, either dead on a ditch by his own hands, or a living corpse on his family's manor. Still, he wasn't stupid and he knew he was nothing but a burden domestically, and couldn't help but sometimes feel guilty over it. Of course, then Miri came and after some awful-but-necessary reality checks, Rei realized he had to actually put more effort to be good at something instead of immediately being decent at it, and he had improved, or so Kazuki said.
Still, those words lingered above him like a willow tree: engulfing, cold darkness looming over his perception of every act Kazuki does for him because it was a thankless, rotten work to look after apathetic, never-changing and pretty much useless in anything that didn't involve killing, Rei Suwa.
"Rei," Kazuki said, his hands now resting on Rei's shoulders. He didn't move them at all, but the mere presence of Kazuki's palms touching his bare skin made Rei very aware of his surroundings, as if his senses were enhanced suddenly. He couldn't look at Kazuki's expression, as he sat with his back facing him, "Do you feel safe here?"
Huh, what a weird question to ask. It wasn't a light question either, the word safe being loaded in many areas of his life, but Rei didn't have to think of his answer much as it was obvious to him, feverish or not.
"Yes." He announced, matter-of-factly.
He felt Kazuki's hands squeezing his shoulders slightly.
"Have you ever been badly wounded on a mission," Kazuki continued, enouncing every word slowly, as if Rei were about to run if he misspoke, "but you felt nothing as you finished it off?"
"Uhm, yeah?" Rei said, disoriented by the question. Kazuki knew the answer to that, why was he asking such an obvious thing? "Have you not?"
"'Course," Kazuki stated, "but what happens when you get out of there? Like the car, or any place you know you are not in danger anymore?"
"Adrenaline wears off," Rei responded as if he was being quizzed. Was this a quiz? Was he dreaming again? He decided to tell what he knows so he could get this weird situation over with, "and wounds start to hurt. That is why you need to keep your guard up, because if you let yourself loose it, an attack would be too easy."
His partner hummed before continuing.
"Rei," Kazuki whispered, now the hands that were on his shoulders turning Rei's body to face him. His gaze seemed puzzling to Rei, who was already confused, and couldn't seem to connect the dots. "Do you feel safe with me?"
Had he not answered that already? The script of his dreams was getting sloppy. Either way, the words just slurred out of his mouth as he answered sincerely, still failing to connect the dots but feeling something tingling in the back of his mind, "Yeah, of course" he assured twice, maybe that way he could wake up from this strange loop.
"That is good to hear" Kazuki said, now smiling sadly. Why was he sad? Just what was going on? Wasn't Kazuki happy at Rei's confession? Why did the adrenaline of being in danger had to do with feeling safe and–
Oh.
Oh.
So that was the reason why. Rei's body was smarter than him, that is all.
Rei had been in danger all his life, and it wasn't like the present was not an exception. From the moment of his birth, he had a mission to achieve, and he couldn't be weak through any of it. The sudden realization took him back to one of the times he was sick as a child, maybe 10 or 11 years-old. He could barely get out of bed but he had no excuse: he had to train for the day. And so he did, for more than 12 hours, and there was a moment he just… stopped feeling his body. Rei figured it had gone numb and almost felt proud of that, as it meant his performance on the mission wouldn't be affected. But when he crashed into bed that night, he felt every bone in his body hammer in pain. Still, he did the same the next day, and the next one, and the next one, until eventually he got better.
Weakness was simply not an option and his body knew so, thus it just went numb. It had been his strategy for more than twenty years.
That had changed quite recently, though.
Once, after Kazuki scolded him for being lazy and not helping around the house after a particularly hard day, the blond had sighed and apologized, saying that ‘his body must be still tired from being under all that stress'. Rei didn't understand back then, even after Kazuki helped him finish the chores he was supposed to do, but he began to understand more now.
"Vulnerability is not a bad thing to experience," Kazuki said, bringing him back from where his mind had pulled him, "If anything, it is cold-hard proof of change. Especially for you."
Rei could only stare at him wide eyed, and felt as one of Kazuki's hand now moved to hold the nape of his neck.
"And I like taking care of you when you need to, just as you take care of me when we work," Kazuki's eyes never left his, honesty dripping out from them like honey. Rei thought he could almost swim in them, pools full of fondness he now wanted to bathe in more than ever, "Consider it an exchange, if it is still too hard for you to believe that I actually care about you, idiot. Let us take care of you at times like this, will you?"
If he had felt dizzy before, his head now was blender, mixing his mind and brain and thoughts and emotions all together and making a mash of many things Rei couldn't process at once.
Still, he nodded, feeling his wet –but now very clean– hair almost brush with Kazuki's forehead. He took a deep breath, and was surprised by the absence of a coughing fit. He was way too tired to comprehend Kazuki's words, but they still made his chest warmer, loosely detangling a knot that had been planted there since his childhood. Perhaps he could allow it. Sometimes. The… help Kazuki offered. Consciously and willingly, this time.
His nod was met by a bright smile, and he felt his own lips tug upwards ever so slightly.
"That doesn't mean you are off dishes duty as soon as you get better," Kazuki said, moving his hands up to Rei's hair again and pouring a cup of water over it. "Let's finish this so you can eat the chicken broth I made. Each time you groan, I will add more vegetables to it. I trust you are smart enough to understand that."
Rei closed his eyes as he felt the water drip down his face, and didn't complain once.
_
Later, after he had eaten a full bowl of chicken broth with only two extra servings of vegetables, he now sat tightly covered by a blanket Kazuki gave him. Rei was declared safe enough to be promoted to sitting at the couch and waiting for Miri to get home. His fever hadn't disappeared completely, but Kazuki told him that judging from Miri's experience with the virus, it wouldn't get as bad again. In other words, the worst had already passed.
When Miri got home, she jumped straight into his arms as her tiny hands reached over his neck and she hugged him as hard as her little four year-old body let her. It seemed almost like she took vengeance of all the days she wasn't allowed to hug him. Rei wasn't the biggest fan of hugs, and right now his body still hurt, but Miri seemed to be the exception to every rule Rei made about himself, and he felt the rest of the virus vanish almost instantly.
"Rei-papa, look at the card I made you today!"
She climbed down to look for the card on her bunny-themed pink backpack. Shrieking heroically as she pulled out a pink piece of paper, she climbed next to Rei in the sofa as she showed him her drawing.
Rei thought he needed the fever to understand many of Miri's drawings, delusion helping at times, but this one was as straightforward as possible.
Stick figures of Rei, Miri and Kazuki sat together at the sofa. There was a… oh, a blanket! Covering all of them as they snuggled together. Miri seemed to be holding a red bowl full of… chips? Snacks? Popcorns? Something to eat, Rei figured.
They all wore big smiles on their faces and what appeared to be hearts covered the rest of the page.
On the back of the card, there was something written in neat handwriting, not Miri's four year-old's scribbles. Rei assumed Miri asked Miss Anna for help as she instructed on what to write. It read:
"I want my Rei-papa to get better so we can all see a movie together and cuddle,
Get better soon, Rei-papa!"
Rei, although not as big as the one on the drawing, smiled softly, "I think we can do this tonight," he looked at Miri, who was already jumping up and down with excitement on the sofa, "What do you think, Kazuki?"
"Fine by me," he was on the back of the couch, reading the card and being watchful of Miri's jumps, "But none of you can fall asleep during the movie, it is always me who carries you two back to bed!"
As if you didn't enjoy that, Rei thought, his soft smile transforming into a smug smirk. He thought about it so casually that he almost felt his fever had returned. But it hadn't. He didn't hush the thought away, anyways.
Later that night, when Miri's drawing came true (except for the part where they all watched the movie, as Kazuki felt asleep as soon as the studio logo appeared and Miri followed not long after that), Rei thought that next time he felt sick, he would maybe complain a little bit more. He could accept a couple more vegetables over chicken broth if it meant Kazuki would take care of him like he did today.
Although he knew he didn't need to complain to be taken care of, not anymore.
He just needed to… exist. And be next to Kazuki and Miri.
What an easy deal to accept.