Chapter Text
The two Muggers Charles and Bernard prowl around Honeywood like usual. Past Greg the Garlic Farmer, who they intimidate just for fun. Past Bodger, who even Bernard has learned not to try to mug by now. Past all the other vendors, most of whom get a perfunctory threat, Charles just nods and waves at some of them.
Bernard can tell Charles' heart isn't in most of it. They've done it all before, and he just can't be bothered. There's nothing new and interesting to steal, nothing new or interesting left to do.
"What's got into you? You have to back me up on our mugs. It doesn't work right if it's not two against one."
They pass the small, dark haired, innocent Maiden of Honeywood, who manages to appease their mugging instincts by giving them mari-golds, and so remains unharmed and smiling.
"I know, I know. It's just... other than the marigolds, nothing much brightens my day, you know?" He twirls the posey between his fingers. "Especially since Grand-ma still isn't happy we mugged her. Half because you don't mug family, and the other half because we had 'bad technique'. Apparently she taught me better."
"Charles, we had to mug her. Honeywood is our turf. If we don't mug everyone in Honeywood at least once, how do they know it's our town?"
"Yeah... But still. Greg won't sell me garlic any more. How am I supposed to make garlic bread with mugged garlic? It doesn't taste right." Charles says.
"'Ey... Isn't that Baelin?" Bernard says, nudging Charles.
"Yeah... that's Baelin. Hello Baelin." Charles says tiredly as Baelin strides past as always, off to fish who knows where.
"Mornin'." Baelin calls out to Charles in return and keeps going.
"Charles... how come we've never mugged Baelin?" Bernard asks.
"What?!" Charles asks, confused. "Because it's Baelin." He says, unable to articulate why not to mug someone who's as constant and as innocent as a tree.
"We should mug 'im." Bernard says.
"No, Bernard." Charles sighs, exasperated. "Baelin is a decent bloke, 'e shares his fish 'n all. Besides which, since he's the town fisherman e's not going to have any gold." Charles reasons.
“He might have a Gold-fish.” Bernard says, ignoring everything that isn't mugging related.
“Bernard. Goldfish aren't made of gold, I checked. Three times.” Charles looks askance at Bernard, and tries to distract him. "Come on, help me look for a rich adventurer to mug."
"We are gonna mug Baelin." Bernard insists.
"NO." Charles says, raising his voice. "I am not going to mug Baelin!"
Baelin turns around and looks back at them. "Hu hah?"
Charles waves at him, embarrassed.
Bernard uses the distraction to get around Charles and start trying to mug Baelin. He strides closer, saying.
"Give us all your gold or we'll mug ya."
Charles pulls Bernard away, saying to Baelin."Sorry about him. We don't want to mug you."
Baelin stands there confused, waiting to see what's going on.
"What are we?" Bernard asks Charles feverishly.
"I don't care!" Charles yells, shaking it off.
"What. Are.. we?!" Bernard gets up in his face, staring him down.
"No!" Charles shakes his head.
"We're Muggers, we mug people!" Bernard insists.
"You bastard." Charles says brokenly - sick of being manipulated like this.
Baelin looks upset by what's transpiring.
"There's two of us, and only one of 'im!" Bernard presses.
"There aren't two of us." Charles counters, shaking it off again. "There's me stopping you from being a bleeding idiot."
"We're Muggers, and we will mug him!" Bernard promises, and pushes Charles towards Baelin.
"Let's... go... mug 'em!!!!" Bernard yells and raises his sword.
Charles yells wordlessly in return, still trying to resist his programming, still trying to stop Bernard from attacking arguably the most wholesome NPC in all of Honeywood.
As per usual, Bernard is stronger and drags them both closer and closer. They struggle, now arguing incoherently, Bernard trying to force Charles into mugging Baelin with him. Charles trying to stop himself from joining in.
Until eventually Baelin - finally alarmed enough by their behaviour - knocks the both of them flat on their butt with a single blow of his fishing rod across their faces.
Their heads snap around and their eyes roll back with the pain of it. Charles and Bernard collapse to the ground in an undignified heap.
“Huha.” Baelin looks down at them both, concerned.
Charles looks up at him through the haze of pain, and slowly says. “On behalf of us both, I would like to apologise to you for that shitty mugging, Baelin. No hard feelings, all right mate?”
“Mornin...’” Baelin says uneasily, but accepts it and continues on his way.
The Muggers slowly sit up and gather themselves. The rest of Honeywood ignores them as they do.
Bernard frowns over at Charles. "Why’d you apologise for mugging 'im? We’re Muggers Charles. That's what we do."
Charles nurses his jaw and feels sorry for himself. “I know we’re Muggers. Everyone knows we’re Muggers, Bernard. That’s all we ever have been."
Charles feels his jaw carefully. Baelin seems to have knocked it back in towards his face. Feels weird. Sounds a bit weird to talk with, but doesn't hurt as much as he thought it would after the initial pain of the blow has worn off.
“Is that not good enough for you Charles?” Bernard asks petulantly, his nose bleeding.
“You know what. No. No, mugging isn’t enough for me. I want more out of life than this.” Charles says.
“What... what more could you want? People just wander round with shiny golden loot for us to steal from them. And then we try to. What could be better?” Bernard says.
“I don't know." Charles replies, and realises that this is a big part of his problem. "What I do know is that I don't want to mug the local fisherman for his fish, and get beaten up for my trouble. I know I want anything other than that.” Charles says.
“No! No! I'm not having it! What are we, Charles?" Bernard asks meaningfully.
"We're pathetic. That's what we are." Charles says, shaking off the pull of the words and dabbing at his split lip.
Bernard makes an offended noise and pushes Charles's arm. "Charles... what .. are... we?"
Charles resists it as hard as he can.
"Am I not good enough for you?!” Bernard challenges him, standing up and looming over him. "What are we?!!!!"
Charles is far too disillusioned to be sucked in this time. He stands up. "You know what? We?"
He gestures at the two of them. "'We' are nothing. From this moment on you're not my colleague, and since you certainly don't treat me like a friend, I am done with you."
"You..." Bernard whispers, too offended to yell. "You can't do that."
Charles shakes his head, turning away from Bernard. "I am so done with the way you make me mug people and.. and mug Things that I don't want to mug! My life is a joke that I'm the butt of. And I won't do it anymore."
That's when Charles finally notices the disturbance happening at the far end of the street.