Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

You’re standing alone with a boy you don’t know, a kid who’s hiding in his yellow hoodie, caution labeled on his chest, hood closed so tight that you can only see his eyes (barely his eyes, only really the whites). Karkat and Him (you refuse to call him Dave, and you refuse to call him Karkat’s boyfriend. He hasn’t earned your respect, he hasn’t earned that title, he doesn’t deserve that title, he doesn’t deserve to be with your dad, he hasn’t earned the right to enter your life and stomp all over it with his shitty red converse) are in the other room. They shooed their wonderful (As if Spades Slick could be wonderful) boys into the other room in order to have them “learn to get along with each other” (read: so they can be alone without thinking about their sons), so the two can know each other before they become brothers (they haven’t even proposed and they’re stressing about this). The caution kid is sitting on the two seat couch (the safest option, you can always find solace alone on a couch) and you’re standing near the window, the other side of the room.

“So….” The caution kids says, his words rumbling in his chest. “Am I gonna have to call you bro or something?”

You gag. “Fuck no, don’t call me that.”

You see his eyes scruch up. “Good. ’M Arnold Reginald, people call me AR.”

“That’s a terrible name,” You say (Karkat always says that you have zero filter, and you always say it runs in the family, and then he calls you a smartass and that he’ll put you back up for adoption (and you’re pretty sure he’s joking. You’re sure.).

“Then what’s your dumb name?”

“I’M Spades Slick, and my name’s the best. I got to choose my name when Karkat took me to the dmc, so I decided to have the coolest name.”

Caution kid’s eyes scrunch again. He pushes himself off the couch. “Your name’s dumb too, just like mine.”

“No it’s not!!! It’s a cool name, you just don’t know what’s cool!”

He walks over to you and sticks out his hand. “ ’S fine, I’ll help you find a better one. It’s nice to meet you.”

You glare at him, meeting his dark irises peeking out from behind a yellow wall. “I don’t need a better one, this one’s just the best.

His eyes scunch up again and you see the corners of his mouth peek out from behind his hoodie. He’s grinning. "It really isn’t.”

“I’d like to see you find a better name,” You take his hand and shake it.

AR grins again. “How about Jack Noir?”

Chapter Text

“Why do you always bring your friends over?” You ask, vaulting over the two person couch and landing on the chair that you pushed next to it.

AR looks up from the ground, very obviously cheating at Uno (obviously cheating to you, at least, he’s doing all your tricks) while playing with his two friends, Whitney Vihaan Egbert and Penelope Maitreyi Harley are none the wiser. “Why do you never bring yours over, Slick?” AR responds, his voice rumbling. AR always speaks like this, his words getting caught in his chest, each sentence being a hair short of undistinguishable grunts.

“ ‘Cuz Droog’s house is bigger.” You point to his sleeves. “You’re bleeding.”

AR adjusts his grip on the cards, very subtlety (not really) tugging at his sleeves. Your eyes drift over to his two buddies, but they’re too busy looking at you to notice. Writ looks tense, shoulders up, sinking closer to the ground (you quickly learned that he’s shy, painfully so. You’ve never heard him speak to you, he only talks to people he likes.). Pen is glaring at you, face scrunched up as her lip twitches, balling her hands (You first met the two at a dinner party Aunt Kanaya hosted. You tried to goad Whit into saying something and she punched you in response.).

Pen turns her attention back to her cards, slapping down a card. “I don’t have any more reds,” She declares.

“You shouldn’t announce that,” You tell her. “That’s bad strategy.”

She glares at you. “Maybe I don’t care about strategy, maybe I just want to get rid of my cards.”

“That’s a bad way to play Uno.”

She huffs, turning to AR. “Can you get him out of here?”

AR looks up to you. “Can you get out of here?”

“No.”

AR shrugs, his eyes scrunching up as he grins. “I tried.” He plays a draw 2 and Writ takes the cards.

“You didn’t- UGH!” Pen throws her hand down, her cards scattering across the ratty carpet. “I can’t STAND this! How you stand him AR?”

“You’re standing right now,” AR says and you snicker.

Pen glares at you two (she always glares when you’re around). “I’m leaving. Tell me when Aunt June is here.” She storms out the room and slams the door behind her.

Writ tugs on AR’s sleeve. “That was unfair,” he says (more like whispers, his voice is so quiet that it might as well be a whisper). “You need to apologize to her.”

AR’s grin falters (AR gets weird when you talk about fairness). “I’ll do it when Slick’s gone. Do you want take Pen’s hand and finish this game with us?”

“Sure.”

You cream the two in cards (it’s easy to beat a cheater when you’re the better cheat).

Chapter Text

You plop yourself onto Droog's big and fancy couch, sitting yourself in between Boxcars and Deuce. You ignore Droog's mild complaints as you turn on the television.

"Alright, tv's on, lets put on the Penguins of Madagascar!" You declare.

"Aww, come on Slick, can't we watch somethin' else? We always watch this movie, lets try somethin' new." Deuce complains.

"What?! It's the best movie ever, that's why we always watch the movie, duh." You wiggle in your seat, trying to get comfortable.

"We watch it too much," Droog says, "The little love I have for that movie has been squashed because we've watched it so much. We need to find a new movie."

"What?! But you guys love the movie!!!" You turn to Boxcars. "You love the movie, right?"

Boxcars only grunts in response, grabbing another handful of popcorn.

"See?" You cross your arms. "He agrees."

"No I don't, I just don't care."

Deuce cackles as you frown at Boxcars. "See? We're sick of the movie!!" Deuce giggles. "Lets watch Shrek instead."

"But-!!!" You gesture to the tv. "We always watch Penguins of Madagascar!"

"That's because you always put it on," Droog coolly says.

"Yeah! Because again, it is the best movie ever, and everything pales in comparison. You all love that movie, you guys love Skipper, and Rico, and Kowalski, and Private! And, uh, Declassified and, uh, the other characters!"

"You forgot Dave!" Deuce chimes in.

"That's because we hate Dave! Dave sucks, he should've died in the movie. Skipper should've killed him and made him into squid ink!"

"You're projecting onto us, and that's not how squid ink works." Droog leans over, hand going for the remote. "Here, let me choose the movie."

"What? No, fuck off, this is my remote!" You push Droog's hands away as you move the remote away from him.

Droog tussles with you. "It's my house, therefore it's my tv. So, give it back!"

"No!"

Deuce lights up. "We're allowed to wrestle each other for the remote? Let me try, let me try!" He reaches for the remote.

"Augh! Stop it, get the hell off of me!" You raise it high into the sky, wiggling as the other two make grabs at the remote. "We're watching Penguins of Madagascar, and that's final!"

"Not if I get the remote!" Deuce springs up from the couch, making a mad dive to the remote. Thankfully, you manage to yank the remote down before he could grab it. Unthankfully, Deuce flung himself into Boxcars, sending the bowl of popcorn flying.

"Deuce!!" Droogs shout. "Look at what you did!"

"It isn't my fault!" Deuce points to you. "It's Slick's fault for not giving me the remote!"

"Hey, I didn't make you jump off the couch! It's Droogs fault for trying to take the remote!"

"It is not, I didn't do shit!"

As you and your friends are squabbling over who's fault it is, you feel someone grasp the remote and give it a hard tug, wrenching it from your hands. "Hey!" You protest.

"I have the remote, I get to choose." Boxcars gives the three of you a glare, a silent challenge to take the remote. All 3 of you don't take it. After a second, Boxcars points the remote at the tv. "We're watching Beauty and the Beast."

You huff as you lay back down into the couch. "I guess we're watching Beauty and the Beast," You grumble.

When the movie finishes, you have to quickly wipe away your tears so that the others don't see you crying.

Chapter Text

"I'm not gonna wear a helmet while you teach me how to skateboard!" You say (more so shout than say), "It looks fucking dumb!"

"It is not dumb, it is for protection!" AR throws a bike helmet at you.

"Then how come you don't wear one, that's not fair!" You whine, letting the helmet clatter to the floor.

He narrows his eyes at you, mouth forming a tight line. "I do not have to wear one because I know how to balance on a board. You, Slick, do not."

"Bullshit, you're just saying that because you wanna make me look lame!"

"What's going on, I heard something fall," Dave (no, fuck, HE) asks, walking into the room.

AR points an accusatory finger at you. "Slick is not partaking in proper safety procedures."

"That's because you're not taking proper safety procedures either! You're not wearing the damn helmet!" You point to the fallen helmet. "You even threw that at me!"

"Come on man, don't throw safety gear at people. That's, like, the direct opposite of what they're made to do." He kicks it lightly, watching the curved thing teeter over the ground. "And Slick doesn't technically need a helmet, I taught you how to skate without one."

AR's eyebrows knit together as he frowns. "But you gave me kneepads for my 5th birthday...." AR mumbles, trying to strike the last blow in a lost fight.

He hums. "Yeah, but that was because you were terrified of everything when you were a toddler, if I didn't get you those you'd never learn how to skate. And also, you guys are 12, that's old enough to not immediately implode upon impact with the ground. You don't need a helmet."

Yes!!! You give AR a smug smile, and he returns your smile with a scowl.

"Fuck you," AR hisses, with the weariness that comes with swearing in front of an adult and a anger that shows that he doesn't care.

"Hey!" He turns to AR. "What'd I say about cussing?!"

"But SLICK curses in front of you all the time! It's not fair, how come HE gets to and I can't?!" AR's still fuming, but you can see him bend to the authority of a parent. He's not going to curse anytime soon, that's for sure.

"I can do it because I'm special. I've been here longer, so that means I get to do things you can't." You really want to say 'Because Dave isn't my dad, he can't do shit to stop me', but Karkat told you to stop because it hurts his feelings (he can't stop you from thinking it. Or heavily implying that. You should imply that next time.).

"Fair point," Dave nods. "But I do have to side with AR. Shit's not fair if you can cuss and he can't."

You feel something sink to your stomach. "So, does that mean AR can curse now?" You ask, knowing full well that's not where this conversation is heading.

"Nah, that means you can't curse."

"What?! No, fuck you, I'm not gonna stop just because you told me not to!! Karkat never told me to stop, why should I stop now because you told me to?!"

"Because I'm going to be your legal guardian?" He says, a bit taken aback.

"You're not my legal guardian yet, I'm not going to listen to you until you and Karkat are actually married." You cross your arms. "You have no legal authority over me until then."

"Uh, alright then." Dave gives AR a look. "You, er, you can curse in front of me then, since I can't stop Slick." With that, he leaves.

AR gives you a look you can't fully parse. It looks.... Sad? Pitying? You don't know. You kick his shins in response. "I don't wanna learn how to skate anymore."

Chapter Text

“Karkaaaaaaaat,” You drone on, laying on the couch.

“Sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick,” Karkat responds, sitting on a table, scritching away at paperwork.

“I’m bored.”

Karkat rolls his eyes. “Is there a reason why you’re announcing this to the world instead of picking up one of the various toys and trinkets I’ve bought for you over the years, and using that to satiate your boredom?”

“ ‘Cuz you’re my dad, it’s your job to do something about it.”

Karkat turns to you. “…… It’s my job to entertain you?”

You crack a smile. “Yeah.”

“Last I checked, my job is a Marriage and Family Therapist, with a specialty in couples with relationship problems.”

“Nope. Your job’s now to be my entertainer.”

Karkat smiles. “Damn. Before I officially put in my 2 week notice to become your personal jester, heading at your every beck and call, what are my hourly rates? Do I get paid leave? What about insurance, do I get dental?”

“You’re paid with my love and affection?” You offer, tactfully avoiding the other questions (because you don’t know how to answer them).

“Wow, 'love and affection’! What a gift! I’m sure our landlord will adore it when I try to pay next month’s rent with your love and affection. What a amazing rate!” The two of you laugh lightly, amused by your banter. “But seriously though, why did you ask me? Are you looking for suggestions on what to do, or are you trying to figure out what you want to do? Or is it neither?”

“I dunno……” You sit up on the couch. “I guess I’m trying to find something to do.”

Karkat hums. “What about tv?”

You make a face. “I don’t wanna.”

“What about listening to records? Papa Signless got you some new records, go put one of them on.”

“But I wanna do that with Papa Signless!”

“What about AR? Can’t you go pester him?”

“He said he was busy with judge jury.”

“Then go play with one of your Midnight Crew friends.”

“Droogs said that he has a 'sophisticated tea party’ on Tuesdays so I can’t go to his house, and Deuce and Boxcars have club stuff today.”

Karkat scrunches his face up. “Who the fuck is Droogs again?”

“What?! Come on, you know Droogs, he’s here all the time!!! He’s kinda tall, and wears the face masks with the diamonds on them, and he always owes me something.”

It takes a minute for Karkat to connect the dots. “Oh, you mean Dominique! Aradia’s kid. And Chris and Hermes are Deuce and Boxcars, right?”

“Yeah, I guess…..”

“Oh shit- Sorry, I mean Droog’s Aradia’s kid. I forget you gave them code names.”

“It’s fine.” The two of you fall silent. Karkat turns back around and goes back to writing paperwork. “Hey, watcha doing?” You hop off the couch and wander towards the table.

“Classified paperwork that I’m not allowed to show you.” He places his hand on the paperwork, shielding its contents from you.

“Hey, why not, that’s not fair!” You complain.

“Yes it is fair, have you heard of the concept of 'patient confidentiality’? I’m quite literally not allowed to show you this, I could lose my license.”

“Boooooooo, that sucks. You should tell me anyway.”

“If I did that, then I’d actually become your entertainer as a job.”

You shake your head. “Patient confidentiality sucks, I think it should be destroyed forever.”

“You should go write a letter about that then. I could mail it to the white house and get the president to sign off it if it’s good enough.”

“Yeah. Yeah! I’m gonna do that!” You grab a loose pen off the table and pocket it. “I think I’m gonna get AR to help me with this, since he knows about laws. Bye Karkat! I’ll show you my letter later!”

Karkat smiles. “Can’t wait to read it.”

Chapter Text

You sit at the corner of the street as your step brother skates around, kneepads and a helmet thrown to the side. AR wanted to teach you how to skate better (a request to hang out that you're, like, 99% sure was prompted by Dave), but you bitched so much about how lame you look while wearing a helmet that AR gave up and decided to skate by himself.

"I think 'M gonna ask Dad for a new skateboard, for my birthday," AR says as he pops a wheelie. "So I can give this to you and you can have your own skateboard."

You hum. "You don't need to use me as an excuse to get a cooler board. You can just want a new skateboard, don't drag me into this."

The nose of the skateboard slams down, plastic wheels clattering against hard asphalt. "Can't it be both?" AR grins, his eyes scrunching at you. "I want to be able to leave our neighborhood without waiting for your slow ass to catch up."

"HEY!" AR laughs as you throw a pebble at him. "I'm not slow, you're just too fast on your dumb board! Even if I did have my own board, you'd be miles ahead of me!"

"Sounds like a skill issue." AR kickflips to emphasize his point.

"You suck," You frown. "You're a bad brother."

AR stops. He looks to you, his hoodie framing his wide eyes. "I am?" He says, uncharacteristically quiet.

"Uh... No." You look down to your lap. "I was..... It was a joke. I don't mean it."

"Oh." AR is quiet. After what feels like an hour you hear the skateboard rumble towards your feet. "Here. You can skate now."

..........

You put on the helmet. "Can you show me how you did that kickflip?"

The corners of AR eye's crinkle. "You have to learn how to skate first."