Chapter Text
February 10th
I don't know what I'm doing. I don't journal. I only take notes for jobs, but I have to write this somewhere. I have to be able to read this back and picture it in my mind, or I'll feel like I'm just imagining it.
I came home with all the groceries and was going to–Wait.
Okay, I put the groceries away. I'm so distracted. What's happening here…
I was going to announce that we were having cake for dessert. I got it from this shop I heard the daycare moms gushing about. I prefer people enjoying my home-cooked food, but I didn't want the extra clean-up today. It may not be my amazing chocolate cake with layers of moist sponge and homemade ganache, but the two sweet tooths will be happy.
So, I went to yell, but then I saw them.
It's a cold day, so Rei had a blanket wrapped around him, and he was sleeping while sitting. He was teetering forward with each breath, and his neck was at a worrying angle. His controller was on the ground by his feet. The TV asked if he wanted to continue whatever he was doing in the game.
Rei never really naps unless I'm there, and, even then, it's rare. Yet, there he was, dozing away in the most uncomfortable-looking position. I was going to wake him up because he shouldn't be sleeping while he's watching Miri and also because his neck and back deserve some mercy.
Then, I saw what he was leaning over: Miri sleeping in his lap. He had pulled the blanket over her, too, and left an arm draped over her shoulders.
It's so, so… cute somehow! Rei has his rare moments of kindness, but this was too much. He's not cute, but I can't deny what my eyes are seeing. I'm writing this from the dining table with prime views of the scene as it continues, and it's still too much.
Rei was going to shoot through her to kill her dad like a month and a half ago, and now, he's napping with her and letting her call him Papa Rei.
Not that he seems to enjoy when I call him that, killjoy
You know, looking again, it almost looks like he fell asleep watching over her. Rei doesn't help with much when it comes to all the tasks needed to keep Miri happy and healthy, but there's these little things like this that make me see that that "Papa" title is well-earned. I still want him to help more, but this is a good start. I really—
Oh my god, he almost fell over and took them both headfirst into the floor. I'm so glad I was watching them.
I grabbed Rei's shoulder and supported his head as gently as I could, but I felt him wake up immediately. I surprised him, so he looked ready to pounce.
I whispered that everything was fine and that he and Miri were just falling over. He seemed to get it quickly because his eyelids started drooping. I pressed him into the back of the couch and put a pillow behind his neck and head. I told him, "Go back to sleep. I'll wake you both up for dinner."
And he just closed his eyes and was out! I want that mid-20s easy sleep again! I didn't appreciate it enough when I had my chance.
Anyway, I had to write it down. I think Rei will be a better papa than I thought.
I liked writing all this down, so I'll write again when I see something amazing.
March 24th
Okay, so Miri's been going to daycare for a few weeks now, and we have so many clothing separates that you can mix and match from that heavenly store. Things have been going good for a week. I spend 30 minutes before bed every night reading parenting blogs with kids' fashion tips, and then I piece together something in the morning that seems to fit the trends. Once I learn all the coordination stuff with colors and patterns, we'll be set. After all, I'm not sending my kid out into the world not looking her best.
Rei hasn't really been involved in dressing Miri for daycare. He helps her change before bed sometimes, but the coordination of pajamas doesn't really matter. If Miri's comfortable and happy, I won't say a thing about any weird color and pattern combinations.
I'll definitely give Rei an exasperated look though. He's ignored all of them, bastard
I had to get back to planning for today's information-gathering job, so Miri getting dressed for daycare was left to Rei. If I got done quickly enough, I could do damage control, so I worked fast on what I had left.
When I finished, they still hadn't come down. I called, but they didn't respond so I went up the stairs to get them.
Past the slightly ajar door to Miri's room, I saw Miri twirling in the most hideous outfit of yellow, blue, and red with one too many tops. The yellow had a loud giraffe spot pattern, while the blue was stripes. "How 'bout this, Papa Rei?"
Rei was sitting on the floor, legs crossed, back to the door. He tilted his head like he was thinking, and I was ready to scream, "WHAT'S THERE TO THINK ABOUT?! NO!"
Rei eventually said, "I think Kazuki would say they clash."
"Ku-lash?"
"Like they are bad together."
Miri stomped. "But it's fun."
"I know," Rei said, as if he wasn't a dude who basically wore the same outfit with just different pieces in the same color family. Rei, your only casual outerwear is blue! Your tops are only white and black! What would you know of the fun of clashing bright colors!?
Then, he suggested they stick to one color, and I fist-pumped at my side.
She pulled out only green clothes (Yes, I had so much fun putting all the clothes away later), and Rei helped her get into her newly selected outfit. She went to put a second top on, and he stopped her. He told her it was going to be warmer today, just as I reminded him when they were heading upstairs to get her dressed.
"But Papa Kazuki always wears two!"
I was touched that she even noticed that I wore a shirt under my hoodies. That meant she was paying attention to me, and it felt pretty good to know that.
Rei held no punches, "Yeah, but he's weird. You shouldn't copy everything he does."
I was about to send him a very non-metaphorical punch when Miri posed and twirled again, outfit ready.
It was actually pretty great, very green, but still. Just a sweatshirt and joggers, simple, but good.
Then, we finally came to what got me to roll out of bed at 2 a.m. and find this notebook.
Rei reached out and twirled her where she stood with his fingers. Her giggles were almost shrieks as she spun.
I literally thought I must be dreaming to be watching Rei do a little fashion show and then dance with Miri. I know he's not actively dancing, but he's helping her dance, and I spent the whole mission and the rest of the day thinking about it. I’ve been laying in bed guessing what the expression on his face must have looked like.
When he stopped the twirling and helped steady her, Rei told her, "Looks great."
It took all of my strength to not interrupt and say, "It all looks great."
April 3rd
I've started making quick notes of what Rei does between these larger entries, and Rei still definitely needs to help me more, but he does more for Miri than I expected. The other day, I even saw him eat a vegetable off her plate for her so she didn't have to, which—although I don't condone her skipping her veggies—is quite the kind feat from a notorious vegetable-avoider.
I keep wondering if he's actually doing this stuff more or if I'm just noticing it more. Maybe I'm just looking for it now, so I can catch these things more easily.
But this one was ridiculous.
So, I'm usually the one to help Miri bathe. Sometimes, I even bathe with her, rather than just do it all clothed and from a distance, because I read that it's not uncommon for either parent to bathe with young children to help them and keep things safe. It's not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be, even if it's not the calm, quiet baths I preferred.
Rei has helped with bathing Miri a few times and hasn't talked about it, so I've been wondering how he felt about it.
The tub was filling up with warm water in the other room for her bath (I love technology), when Miri asked for some slices of cucumber. I usually wouldn't give her some food before a bath, especially with dinner happening just a short while after, but I could never reject a request for vegetables. I pulled some slices I cut earlier out of the fridge and put them in a bowl for her.
She cheered, and I let her go off to Rei’s side with them, while I prepped for dinner.
When the panel outside the bathroom gave its little jingle, I called her, "Miri! Bath time!"
Instead of responding, Miri turned her back to me. "Papa Rei, can we have a bath together?"
Rei was playing that animal village game on his Switch, the one with nice music but no time-sensitive tasks like in most of his games. I honestly thought he'd say no, and I'd go help her as I planned, but he paused his game and said, "Sure."
I'm sure the surprise was on my face because Rei just gave me a look that asked, "What?" I shook my head, and he followed her upstairs to get their pajamas.
I put the finishing touches on the lasagna for dinner and popped it in the oven. I set my timer for 30 minutes to remove the foil I put on to protect the top from getting too much color at the start of cooking.
As they were going in, I asked, "Can you check if there are enough towels for both of you?"
Rei nodded and took a second to check the small cabinet in the room. "There are only the small ones."
"I'll fold the laundry and get you some big towels then," I replied. "Have a good bath!"
Way too loudly, Miri said, "Okay!" Rei silently shut the door behind them.
Before the laundry, I went to grab the bowl she had for those cucumber slices. I planned to put it directly in the dishwasher, but it was still nearly full of the cucumbers. She only ate like two of them! I told myself to be happy with any progress toward regularly eating veggies, no matter how small.
Anyway, I moved on to folding the laundry into our three stacks and a pile for towels. I am getting faster at folding clothes properly I think with all the laundry a young kid produces. When I finished, I put each personal stack on its matching bed, before turning my attention to the towels.
I carried the towels against my hip like I do with Miri and knocked on the door. "Towel delivery!"
Miri's muffled yell of "Towels!" was all I needed to go right on in, but when I took my first step into the room, I suddenly realized Rei was going to be naked and got embarrassed for just walking in so casually.
It was silly because I've even bathed Rei before. I've scrubbed his body and seen all his bits and pieces (I had Rei scrub those parts obviously). But it still felt different because it wasn't something we were doing together. I wasn't bathing Rei. I was interrupting his bath.
I pushed through the discomfort and very purposely didn't look in their direction. I just put the towels into the cabinet and set out some for when they're done. I wasn't going to look.
I obviously looked. Well, first, I just glanced over, and I was relieved to see the mountains of bubbles in the bath through the fogged-up glass. I had forgotten that I put in a bubble bath mix. Maybe I had put in a bit too much. Whatever. Rei's body was cloaked in bubbles, except for his shoulders and up, and most of Miri was covered, even when she was standing in the tub.
"Hey, Miri, don't—" I paused because the sound echoed weirdly with the glass door to the tub room closed, so I opened it and stuck my head in. "Miri, don't stand in the tub."
"But Papa Rei's helping!"
"Rei, what does that mea—" I stopped because, without steamy glass, I could better see the whole situation.
"I'm spotting her," Rei said simply as if everything else wasn't happening. With my head in the tub room, I could see that his hands indeed floated at her sides, ready to catch her if she slipped.
I turned to Miri because I couldn't look at Rei a second longer. "What are you doing to Papa Rei?"
"Spa day!" she exclaimed, continuing to style Rei's soapy hair into two pigtails. There was enough shampoo in his hair that the hairstyle stayed in place for a while, even when Miri removed her hands.
And there were the two missing cucumber slices over Rei's eyes.
I nearly laughed, but, instead, I leaned my shoulder into the frame for the glass door. I just felt like I couldn't move from that spot, and no one shooed me off. I just smiled and watched Miri trying to give Rei what she thought was a spa day, which was just cucumbers on the eyes and a lot more playing with people's hair.
When Miri finally went to sit back down in the tub, turning away from Rei to play with her bath toys, I couldn't stop myself this time from saying what I was thinking, "So adorable." I tensed up when I realized it came out.
Miri beamed at me. I said this stuff to her all the time, after all. Rei, on the other hand…
Rei froze up for a long moment before he suddenly relaxed and took off the cucumber slices to stare at me. I felt my face heat up, and I was so happy right then that my tanner skin could hide a lot of the red. Rei's pale face was pink from the hot bath and steam, but maybe it was a darker shade of pink than a minute ago?
Suddenly, his hair started drooping from its new style, where Miri just put it all in a big upward point at the top of Rei's head. It slipped further out of place and smacked his forehead.
I couldn't help but laugh, and it broke whatever spell my misspoken statement put us under. Miri even giggled along, not really getting what the laughter was for. Rei didn't join, but he did lean his head against the wall to watch us.
Miri's toys were forgotten again as she turned back to Rei and started manhandling him to clean his hair out.
Rei really did seem to let her basically walk all over him. I noticed it first when she climbed all over him while waiting at the government office to get her into daycare. I'm a little too stern for her to do that to me, whereas Rei gave her an all-access pass to physically interact with him without him complaining.
Rei's never been one to reject physical touch outright. Those first times I had to help give him a bath because he didn’t want to, despite how much he needed it… he would still seize up at the first brush of fingers, but when I checked in, he'd always say he was fine. With Miri now, he doesn't freeze up at all. Even with me, these days, an accidental bump of shoulders or hips no longer led to Rei needing a moment to adjust.
I suddenly had the urge to help him rinse out his hair, too, and stroke over his scalp like I did that first time. I moved my foot forward to act on the feeling, when the timer beeped in the kitchen.
I smiled, "I guess, the towel delivery is over. You both finish up here, so I can take a quick shower, okay?"
Rei gave me another questioning look, and I shrugged, off to work on my excellent lasagna.
Universe, do you see how ridiculous this was? This little spa day was too much.
I'm feeling a bit ridiculous myself now. I have these sudden thoughts of Rei and Rei with Miri every so often, but just now, I had a sudden urge to touch him. What is happening? I thought about it all night and couldn't sleep, so here I am getting whatever is happening off my chest.