Chapter Text
187: Nothing Lost, Nothing Gained
The student council meeting for today yielded some really positive outputs regarding the plans for the upcoming festival next month. One of the eager new blood even suggested an imitation prom night and one of the supervising teachers green-lit the idea, claiming that it'd be a nice cultural exposure that would enable students to take part in what he calls a 'contemporary Western high school experience'. Nothing grand or expensive in any way; what matters, the teacher claimed, is sustaining the spirit of the occasion.
Himawari Kunogi was intrigued herself. Most of the girls in this school, if not all, have never been to a dance before. It's just not a part of the custom although Himawari watched enough foreign movies to know how an actual prom event works. As class representative and active member of the council herself, she wanted to be a part of the organizing committee so she gave some suggestions of how they could really turn imitation prom night into something spectacular that students will enjoy and have a good time with.
Like a lof of things in life she craved, dancing with another person is just one of the many impossible feats that someone of her nature cannot risk knowing more deeply about let alone go through. There are dangers to intimacy that she had discovered the hard way through experiences in the past. But Himawari was still like any sixteen-year-old girl. She wanted to put on a pretty dress, try on wearing those corsage things, and get asked by a boy to dance to slow music.
Surely other girls would want the same if given the chance to actually make that choice, and the opportunity to fulfill it.
She sat there contemplating of such frothy and ultimately needless sentiments for a short while during the meeting but afterwards she abolished the fantasy just as quickly as it had come.
As an inescapable reality, Himawari Kunogi is unlike any sixteen-year-old girl. She'd put on more funeral dresses over the course of her young life than she can count. She wore a smile comparable to that of a twinkling star whose light may seem bright and beautiful from a distance, but a closer inspection would reveal that the star is actually, and currently, in perpetual, slow explosion all over its occupied solitary space until there would be nothing left in its wake but a gaping black hole.
Stars burn out inconspicuously and it would take billions of years before their light truly disappear in the earth's night sky. Himawari would like to think she'd be able to one day leave behind a remnant of herself that's as gorgeous and incandescent as a star's light. Maybe in death her loss would be worth something to the world at last.
Oh, well, only time can tell. Himawari chuckled to herself as she pushed the dramatic thoughts aside and focused instead on listening to the academic forum now being held among her peers.
Today she's sixteen. She's alive. People like her well enough. Nobody in this new city knows her secret. It has gotten easy to play the part of the nice, accomodating girl with the prettiest smile in school. Death and misfortune may stalk her paths and whoever will walk them with her, but Himawari is unfazed. The trick is to let someone get close enough under the guise of easy camaraderie, but never forget to conceal what must always stay under lock and key. She's been outstanding about this since she transferred schools. Everybody loves Himawari in this place because her open smile and sweet disposition make people believe that she has nothing to hide.
And Himawari doesn't really hide. She is as cheerful and kind as she projects on the outside. It's just that it's the only layer she allows people to get comfortable with. Otherwise they'd get suspicious once bad things start happening. Himawari figured that if she maintained the only socially appropriate amount of distance and kept up the appearance of being some girl-next-door, then surely people won't doubt her intentions, and point fingers at her on the off-chance someone gets killed again. Surely, no one will be cruel enough to look at her say, "Yes, that's her--the harbinger of bad luck. Stay away from the likes of her because she will only bring you pain and misery."
Of course, that has happened before (the cycle of brutal rejections and outright witch-hunt bullying) so Himawari was very cautious not to draw attention to herself this time. She has also gotten better in reading the vibes of certain situations where it's likely she might compromise someone's health or safety. She doesn't want to accidentally cause a scraped knee or a cancer growth or a comatose…again. That just won't do. Himawari is a functional member of society now. Inexplicable bad circumstances may have happened since her arrival to the city, but they can't ever be connected with her, mostly because a few people are getting less superstitious about jinxes and are not inclined to believe in curses, let alone an actual human incarnate of one.
Himawari unhurriedly packs up her things after the meeting ended. She smiles and waves farewells as acquaintances passed her by the desk, and they responded back to her warmth with kind words of their own. She waits until everyone is gone before she slings her bag on her shoulder and closes the door behind her. This was just one of the necessary rituals to avoid any earthquakes of electrical blackouts from occuring while among the company of a crowd. She figured out by the time that she was twelve or so that she must always be the last person to leave a room. If someone gets left behind with her, she has to immediately vacate the premises before that person. If she doesn't, then the person will get very sick the next day. As for crowds, if she leaves a room while it's still heftily occupied, electricity would become erratic, sometimes ending up in exploding light bulbs or incomprehensibly short-circuting ones. That's why she became class representative so she will have an excuse to stay behind like reassuring classmates she has to write something on the board first (be it program or event reminders). It always works because people easily trust Himawari so it's only basic decency to return their unquestioning trust by not endangering their lives if she can help it.
Himawari now walks the vacant corridors with a lightness to her gait. It's only when she's completely alone that she can relax. There's no more pressure to be on her guard or a need for caution. Without people around, she could just stop worrying about killing them. She can enjoy the safety of the solitude she had learned to despise less the older and more mature she got. If it's a choice between becoming a part of the human race even though she's an incurable plague that can slaughter them all; or being utterly alone and comforted at least with the fact that there was no blood in her hands then, hell, of course she'll pick the merciful latter.
After reaching the end of the flight of stairs, Himawari encountered one of the janitors and greeted him. He smiled back at her, almost sheepishly. She stood there by the entrance, clutching her cellphone and pretending to type something. The truth is she was waiting for the janitor to get out first, just in case. She only has to wait ten minutes before he was walking to her direction. He nodded at her as he crossed the entrance and walked into the school yard outside. Himawari glanced inside to see if there are other students loitering around but realized it was only just her and the middle-aged man so with a sigh, she decided that it's okay to leave.
xXx
On the next council meeting, new class representatives were included in the discussion. Himawari memorized all their names immediately and befriended them except for that one tall boy who barely said a word to her except to return her polite greetings for the afternoon. At dismissal, Himawari waits again for everyone to leave before she walks out of the room and closes the door. She was only five yards away from the classroom she just got out from when she heard the door creak open. She snapped her head to the direction of the sound and felt her hands and feet go cold.
Someone was coming out. It was that boy.
"What?" he asked mildly as he approached her.
She shakily tried to smile. "I didn't see you back there. I thought everybody has gone…"
"I was under the table for a while because I was busy arranging my papers before I even noticed that everyone left."
"Why were you under the table?" Her anxiety was palpable as she looked up at the strange boy before her.
He just shrugged his shoulders in response and walked ahead, muttering a low, "See you."
Himawari was too shocked to react and stood there for another minute before she was shaken into action.
"Wait!" she called out, rushing after him. "Let's walk together!"
He spared her a glance as he slowed down his step. She managed to reach him in time. Gasping slightly to regain her breath, she offered him one of her bright smiles and remarked. "It's Doumeki-kun, isn't it? I'm Class 2-C representative, Kunogi."
"Yeah, you introduced yourself already." He wasn't exactly unkind but he wasn't that friendly either. Himawari didn't care about his personality as long as they get to leave together and she doesn't leave him behind like back there in the classroom.
The two of them barely said anything as they walked down the flight of stairs and reached the hallway. Just as they were about to walk out of the school completely, Doumeki stopped on his tracks and said. "Go ahead. I forgot something in my own classroom."
Himawari opened her mouth to argue but there was something icy in his look right there that made her decide against it. She would have offered to accompany him but she could read the suspicion in his expression and if she insisted, it would look too strange and he might get curious enough to observe her other interactions with people next time. She supposed it's best to cut her losses than risk sudden exposure from someone she couldn't decipher as of yet.
"Okay, please take care," Himawari smiled then turned away as she began to step out of the exit. She meant what she said though, knowing that she'll probably won't see him again for a long time once he gets sick because he'd been unfortunate enough to meet her.
Can't save them all, she grimly thought.
The very next day, Himawari saw Doumeki again. They even sat next to each other. He didn't get a fever or contract a deadly disease after all. This was baffling and frightening to Himawari. If the past has taught her anything, it's that no one is immune to Himawari's curse. But here he is, looking at her with that blank expression after he just caught her staring at him during the council meeting. She knew she shouldn't have tried to test this anomaly and just accept that maybe the guy was a one-in-a-million exception that one time, but Himawari decided later to leave the room ahead of Doumeki who actually stayed behind himself to run one last errand for the council. She instantly felt guilty about it afterwards
But Doumeki was at school again the next day, practicing archery in the club room. Himawari was simply fascinated about this turn of events but nonetheless remains unconvinced until she left Doumeki behind enough times when it's just the two of them in the room before she finally accepts that he is utterly immune to her curse.
Once absolutely certain of that, Himawari dared herself to fall in love with him but realized quickly that there simply was no attraction between them. But how convenient would it be if Doumeki just becomes her companion for the rest of her life? If he's really immune then she doesn't have to worry about causing him indirect harm. But life has never been convenient for Himawari so of course the only person aside from her parents who can get close enough without getting fatally messed up, and therefore has the opportunity to love her…simply couldn't. Doumeki talked to her on several occasions and they often pair up during council activities, but it's clear he had no interest in her beyond that.
Oh, well, look at the bright side. At least that's one less person you have to worry about accidentally damning. And so Himawari decided to let the hopeful notion end before it could even begin.
xXx
On an uneventful afternoon after a spontaneous decision to go shopping for some new clothes, Himawari crosses paths with Kimihiro Watanuki, one of her classmates. Himawari had always made it a point to know everyone as the class rep but she never really paid any special attention to Watanuki until earlier today when she saw him about to rush out of class ahead of her as dismissal neared. She prevented this by chatting him up since it was just the two of them so he musn't leave before she does. Just as she was about to ask if they could walk together, a few of their classmates came back, so she allowed him to go on his separate way, sincerely wishing him a safe trip to the place of his part-time job.
Today she sees him again. He looked a bit distracted.
Himawari turned on the charm as soon as she struck another conversation with him in the middle of the streets. Watanuki was approachable enough that she even tried inviting him over to a cafe she enjoyed, unmindful of this sudden spontaneity in her part. He sheepishly allowed her to lead the way as she held onto his arm on the way there. On hindsight, Himawari didn't understand why her moods have improved significantly on that day. Maybe it's because she finally saved enough money to buy those shoes she'd always wanted. Maybe it's the fact that she met someone like Doumeki whose safety she doesn't have to worry about and therefore she could be relax around him and maybe even spend more time with him; become his friend, maybe finally tell someone how irreconcilably lonely it had been for her. Whatever it is, Himawari wanted to preserve these feelings of giddiness and relief that she hasn't felt before. It just so happened that Watanuki was the only person right now she could share her joy with.
But life has never been a joyous one for Himawari. She should have known her celebration was short-lived. When Watanuki started coughing beside her as if his lungs had been assaulted, she withdrew her arm away from his, dreading that she had caused it (knowing it was her fault). He collapsed to the ground, sitting on the pavement like some lost boy. She sat beside him, only to console him, but knew she should just ran off before she makes the situation any worse. Himawari fought that selfish instinct and stayed behind for Watanuki. She was so focused on trying to ease whatever it was that was physically ailing him that she only heard the loud screeching of tires behind her. She was going to look but then she felt Watanuki's arm shielding her view and burying her face into his shoulder.
She could hear people shouting at each other, a few citing to call for an ambulance. The scenario is far too familiar for Himawari to mistake it otherwise. Somebody got hurt. Somebody was going to die or was already lying dead in the sidewalk. And she was there, yet again, not a mere witness or an innocent bystander, but the unwitting instigator...the harbinger of misfortune and misery. Her head was spinning so she closed her eyes and tried breathing normally even though her throat feels like it was going to close on her for good. Through it all, Watanuki held her, this complete stranger she barely even spoke to until today. Himawari wanted to shove him off, to scream at his face and tell him that it's all her goddamn fault again. Again. Again. Again. Stupid girl, when will you learn? You know what you are, you ugly thing. You're no fading star. You're already a black hole, sucking everything in.
Just as she was about to cry in anger and defeat, she felt Watanuki's hand resting under her chin as he earnestly looked into her eyes and asked if she was okay, that he could walk her home, that she can't be alone right now. Himawari just stared up at him, right into those cerulean-colored eyes, and every noise and commotion that surrounded them seem to be less real now as if they're far away in another galaxy, and Himawari doesn't have to think about the insurmountable guilt that has time and time again threatened to suffocate her in her sleep, making it so unbelievably wretched to get up and live for another day that is only filled with empty smiles and charades.
"I'm okay," she lied through her teeth, grinning like a fool as the rest of her body went numb.
Watanuki wasn't deceived, it seems, because he helped her up on her feet and still had both arms around her, so warm and protective. Everyone else near them was more intent on watching the accident than pay attention to two teenagers locked in an embrace as they both walked off together to get away from the mess of it all. Watanuki eventually let her go but Himawari found herself reaching out to clasp his hand, and he just let her. They walked in silence for a few more minutes with no clear destination. Once Himawari composed herself, she slowed down on her tracks and said. "I'm okay, really. I live across two streets from here. I can make it there by myself."
He stopped walking so he could look at her again, his face the portrait of concern and...affection? Himawari wasn't sure but it was so achingly beautiful to look at. No one has ever looked at her like that, especially not a boy. It feels as if he knows what she's been through and he's not afraid to see just how deep the scars inside her went.
"Himawari-chan, please be safe," he simply said as he slowly withdrew their hands away.
She looked down at her fingers, suddendly missing the gaps between them being filled by his earlier. Himawari looked up again and offered yet another deceptive smile and said, "Thank you, Watanuki-kun. I really hope that person is all right. I'll, uh, see you in class?"
Watanuki smiled back at her then and the expression has softened the blue in his eyes, making him almost ethereal. "Yes, of course." He paused and then added. "Listen, would you like to join me for lunch tomorrow? I know it's very forward but I want to make you feel better about what happened. I, uh, cook and well, I'm good at it...I think. I want to make you something. Would that be okay?"
Himawari blinked at him. He was confident in his invitation but not at all self-assured or cocky. It was rather cute in its contradiction. She found herself smiling genuinely for the first time.
"Yes, Watanuki-kun," she could feel the pressure on her shoulders disappearing as she answered. "I would like to see you again."