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Sometimes things just make sense.
Alan always cherished this. Of course, he isn’t exactly the rational type – he still lets his emotions get the best of him more than he would ever admit – but this logic is something he’s loyal to. It has to make sense, or it’s not worth it.
Studying hard, getting an important job, working day and night until he was the youngest employee to get promoted. Moving in together with the man he thought was the one.
It all made sense, cause that’s the life he wanted to live.
When Gaipa asked him out on a date, Alan smiled. Things haven’t been making this much sense in a while.
The boy in front of him, with sparkly eyes and a shy smile, getting the courage to ask Alan on a date was surprising. Alan had been thinking about it for a while, ever since he met him, to be honest, but could never convince himself to just do it.
When he said yes Gaipa almost vibrated in front of him, obviously trying to contain his excitement.
Every time Gaipa asks him on a date it feels the same. Same reaction when Alan says yes, same smiles and shy eyes looking away, same feeling on the tip of his stomach saying he’s doing something right.
They’ve been to a total of three dates so far and Alan learned a few things about Gaipa. He can light up every room he walks in. He always has a smile on his face, either on his lips or just his eyes. His eyes can hypnotize anyone into staring at them for hours.
He has the kindest heart Alan’s ever met.
Alan thought it was impossible for someone to be so beautiful inside and out, so he kept looking for flaws. Red flags. Something to make him want to stay away.
He hasn’t found anything.
Honestly, it scares him.
He’s sure that, eventually, Gaipa will be the one looking for flaws. And Alan knows he won’t have to look too hard.
“So? What time do you get off work?” Gaipa’s voice on the phone sounds soft and giddy, like he’s smiling through each word, and Alan can’t help but smile too.
“I’ll be out around seven.”
“I’ll meet you there, then. The movie theatre isn’t too far from the bank.”
Alan has to hold back a sigh.
Gaipa asked him on the (fourth) date yesterday, sending him a text after midnight.
Alan proposed that they’d go to the movies, cause it’s been a while since he went there, and Gaipa always talked about his favorite films and soundtracks and actors. Alan likes to get to know the things Gaipa likes.
“Okay. I’ll see you.” He says and hangs up.
|||
After the movies, Alan felt almost dizzy with how light he was feeling. Hearing Gaipa trying to hold back his laugh and fail with little soft giggles right next to his ear, looking to the side and seeing his face illuminated by the big screen, so beautiful, giving his undivided attention to the movie. All of it made Alan’s chest almost burst with warmth, and it didn’t make him nervous. It felt right. He felt happy.
The two step out of the theatre and – only now – Alan realizes it’s raining.
“What are we gonna do?” Gaipa asks.
“I can drop you off by your house, it’s okay.”
Gaipa looks at him smiling and nods. Alan leads their way to his car.
When Alan notices his car dying, thankfully already near Gaipa’s place, he feels a chill on his spine.
He can’t get the car to start again.
Gaipa invites him in to his house.
They enter, both soaking wet.
Alan desperately tries to call insurance, but the rain, of course, makes everything harder.
Gaipa gives him a towel and shyly apologizes for the mess, even though the place looks spotless.
Alan smiles at him.
“Thank you. Sorry to bother you.”
“It’s okay! I’ve been meaning to invite you here, anyway.” Gaipa blushes hard and looks away.
Alan’s eyes widen, again, surprised.
Hours pass and the rain doesn’t stop, it only gets harder.
“You should stay over. I don’t mind.”
Gaipa looks at him worried, a hand on his knee as if he knew Alan needed the reassurance.
Alan’s mind starts to go a hundred miles an hour.
This is going too fast.
What if he finds something he hates about me after we spend this much time together?
What if he thinks I planned this to be alone with him?
And the most suffocating thought:
What if I talk in my sleep again?
See, ever since Alan and Wen broke up, he’s been having this anxiety dreams and unsettling nightmares.
He would wake up in the middle of the night, sweaty and breathless, his own voice loud enough to scare himself.
“Hey.” Gaipa’s voice make him look up.
He sees Gaipa’s face, a comforting smile planted on his lips.
“It’s okay. I really don’t mind.”
Alan lets out a breath and nods, smiling back. It’s all he could do, really.
|||
Alan is back at his old apartment.
He tries to speak but no sound come out of his mouth.
He sees a silhouette walking around, but his eyes can’t get to whoever it is in time to see a face.
Suddenly, everything around him catches on fire.
His photos on the walls, the dishes, the furniture.
Alan tries to run but his feet don’t move.
He screams.
He opens his eyes and the first thing he hears is his own scream.
Another nightmare.
He closes his eyes and tries to pace his breath, hand on his chest feeling his own heart pounding. He’s used to it by now, knows how to calm himself down and go back to sleep.
But something is different this time.
He feels a hand rubbing his back.
“You’re okay.” A distant voice says. “You were just dreaming. I’m here with you, you’re safe.”
He dares to open his eyes slowly and Gaipa’s eyes meet his.
He remembers he’s in Gaipa’s room, on his bed, even after protesting and saying he could take the couch.
“I-“ He tries, his voice hoarse. “I’m sorry-“
“Shhhh.” Gaipa’s hands find their way to Alan’s hair, caressing him softly. “Why are you apologizing? You’ve done nothing wrong.”
Gaipa’s voice is almost a whisper, gentle, careful not to scare Alan again.
Alan feels a lump growing on his throat and before he realizes, he’s crying.
Damn.
He likes Alan so much.
He could even say he fell for him.
He didn’t want to show him such a weak side of himself.
Gaipa’s hands immediately cup his cheeks, wiping away the tears, and Alan has to look away from the other’s worried look.
“Pi’, what’s wrong? Can you tell me?”
Alan shakes his head.
Gaipa pulls him to his arms. Alan is too weak not to give in. He holds the other’s torso and lets himself cry on his arms.
They stay like that until Alan calms down.
He slowly pulls away from Gaipa’s embrace. Gaipa’s eyes study him with intensity, mapping every expression he makes, ready to catch him if he starts crying again.
Alan breathes in and out and finally looks Gaipa in the eyes.
“I’m okay now. Sorry I woke you.”
Gaipa sighs and takes a while to speak.
“I’m worried about you.”
Alan gets the urge to look away again, so Gaipa holds his cheeks and makes him look him in the eyes.
“Why don’t you let me in, Pi?”
Alan’s lips shake, trying hard not to break down again.
He knows he owes an explanation. He knows Gaipa deserves to know what’s wrong with him.
“I just like you so much.” His voice trembles.
Gaipa smiles, genuine.
“I like you too, you know? I thought I made that clear.”
“You don’t get it.”
Alan tries to shake his head but Gaipa holds him still, getting closer, eyes burning on him.
“Tell me, then.”
Alan still isn’t strong enough not to give in.
“I’m scared you’ll leave me.” He confesses. “I’m scared I’m not good enough for you. When I asked to take things slow, I feel like I was only postponing the moment you’ll get tired of me.”
Gaipa is the one who has to look away.
When their eyes meet again, Alan sees his eyes filled with tears.
“Is this about P’Wen?”
He told Gaipa about his relationship with Wen. He never detailed anything, just made sure he was honest about the fact that it still hurt sometimes.
Alan stays silent.
“Listen to me, please.” Gaipa caresses his cheek. “I’m not going anywhere. I won’t get tired of you, I’m crazy about you. Every time you as much as say my name I feel butterflies in my stomach as if I was a kid with his first crush.”
“But what if you get bored of me?”
Gaipa shakes his head.
“You know what? I’ve been terrified you might get bored of me.”
Alan widens his eyes.
“I’m scared I’m not good enough for you. You know how amazing you are?”
Alan swallows the lump on his throat because he has to answer that.
“You? Not enough for me? You’re more than enough. You’re more than I’ve ever dreamed of. I wasn’t planning to meet anyone new and I was still healing when I met you – physically and emotionally, but you still made your way into my life and helped me heal in more ways you can imagine. I didn’t think I could feel this-“ He puts a hand over his own heart, “My heart racing for someone, ever again. I felt broken. You showed me there’s still love in me.”
He sees Gaipa’s cheek stain with a tear and immediately wipes it with his thumb.
“I feel the same. You have no idea how thankful I am for meeting you when I did.” He takes Alan’s hand and holds it. “But please, don’t say things like that again. I know your relationship with P’Wen got messy and it hurt you but he wasn’t right for you. I know this because I feel how right we are to each other. I’m in love with you.”
Alan can’t help the gasp that leaves his mouth. Surprising, again.
“I’m in love with you and everything you do. I’d listen to you talk for hours, even if it’s about bank-related things I don’t understand. I want to wake up next to you cause you’re the first person I think about every morning and it makes me long for a good morning kiss from you. I want to have breakfast with you and laugh at your sleepy face and go on morning walks with you. I want-“
Alan realizes he’s crying again.
Gaipa puts their foreheads together.
“I want you to let me love you and teach me how to love you well. You deserve it. You deserve the best kind of love. Even when I think I’m not enough I still never consider giving you up, cause I know I can be the one for you if you let me.”
“You’re enough.” Alan says, voice cracking. “Don’t ever think you aren’t.”
Gaipa smiles sweetly and it makes Alan want to be the one for him too.
He can’t help but pulling him in.
Gaipa’s lips are soft and taste of his smiles, summer and sunlight. Alan feels his body shiver as the other kisses him back, eagerly, holding every part of his body he can reach.
When they pull apart, Alan sees Gaipa taking a moment before opening his eyes.
He leans in and kisses his forehead.
Gaipa smiles preciously.
“This felt right, didn’t it?”
Alan shyly nods.
“Do you understand now? That I’m not letting you go?”
Alan nods again.
“Sorry I’m such a mess.”
“I’m a mess too.” Gaipa smiles. “Guess it makes sense that we found each other.”
Alan smiles.
It makes sense.
God, if there’s anything that makes sense, it’s the two of them.
“We’ll make this work.” Alan says, “I promise.”
Gaipa nods and sighs, happy.
“Together, we will. I’m right here. Don’t forget it.”
Alan nods and smiles, taken by a happiness he didn’t think he could ever feel.
All his life, he felt like he tried too hard. At school, at work, with every relationship. It’s what made sense to him. He felt like nothing would work if he didn’t.
And now, in front of him, is a boy that never asked him to try at all. Someone who likes him for who he is.
“You’re the best person I know.” He says, almost forgetting the other can hear him. “It makes sense I fell in love with you.”
Gaipa laughs at his words, out of pure happiness, and starts covering him with kisses, only stopping when they’re both lying on the bed.
They look at each other.
Alan sees everything he’s been searching for inside Gaipa’s eyes.
He leans in and kisses him again, softer, and it feels like it lasts longer than it does.
He holds Gaipa in his arms and pulls him closer until the other’s arms are wrapped around him, head on his chest.
“Goodnight, Pi’.”
Alan holds him tighter.
“Sweet dreams.”
He falls asleep and dreams of the beach, the sun on his face, and Gaipa – always by his side.
THE END.