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He never wants to move again, sure he knew having a service dog would be helpful but he hadn’t realized just how much better DPT would be than just a weighted blanket. Daisy’s thick fur and warm body made him feel like he was in heaven and he was pretty sure if someone didn’t interrupt their derailed training session soon he would fall asleep on his back on the fluffy rug with a german shepard on top of him.
It would make his family laugh at least, especially given his notorious inability to sleep anywhere other than his bed but he doesn’t care because it just feels so good. Even when Daisy’s cold wet nose nudges against his chin and hair in a way that almost tickles.
And to be fully honest he’s not a dog person, they’ve always given him too much anxiety to enjoy their presence with the constant fear they would start barking or whining but with Daisy he never has to worry about that while she’s working. When she’s not, he and Miguel take her to the park and he wears headphones while she plays fetch and barks to her heart's content (she still never does it when he doesn’t have sufficient ear protection.)
The door creaks open and he hears Sam’s sweet giggles causing him to glance up at her from under the mass of brown and black hair “Hey,” he murmurs, sounding sleepier than he intended and eliciting another laugh from Sam. “Are you coming downstairs soon?” She asks and he can just barely see her leaning against his door frame from under the dog “I don’t know I might just eat up here tonight” he hadn’t been thinking of it before but as soon as the words are out of his mouth it feels like the right thing to say.
He’s been doing so much better since he graduated last year and now spends his days ambling around the house and helping to train Daisy as best he can. But even now he has bad days and he’s been so tired this week, he’s not quite ready to face a family dinner or move from under Daisy who is nuzzling at his face. “What about Miguel? Sam asks and he just freezes “But isn’t it Wednesday?” she sighs before moving into the room and sitting down on the carpet next to him. It’s familiar and not for the first time he wonders what his life would be like without her, for most of his childhood she was the only one he had, at least until he met Shawn and Tory. Either way he’d never felt like an only child, never felt like the unwanted stepsibling with her and for that he’ll always be grateful.
“It’s Friday Robs, you invited Miguel over for family dinner and a movie but if you aren’t feeling it right now you know we can wait.” He shakes his head immediately because he never gets to see Miguel anymore, he’s busy with school and soccer and when they do hang out it’s to fill out college applications. “No I want him to come over” He insists immediately while Sam just looks down at him with clear concern on her face “I know you can make your own decisions but as someone who knows you really well I think it might be a good idea to wait, I know it sucks but it would be better than being overwhelmed all night right?”
Groaning he finally signals Daisy off of him, giving her a treat when she obeys. “You’re probably right but I’m going to do it anyway because I miss him” sighing Sam squeezes his knee “Alright I’ll send him up when he gets here and you can take the time until then to get ready or do whatever you need.”
Sam doesn’t wait for him to answer before leaving and he’s grateful for that because he doesn’t really want to talk to anyone. Groaning he drags himself off the floor and crawls into bed under his weighted blanket and signals Daisy onto his lap to add to the comforting weight before pulling on his noise canceling headphones and putting on whale noises. He knows Sam’s probably right but he hates being left out even though agreeing to things when he’s overwhelmed doesn’t end up being fun at all.
He’ll live and it’ll be worth it to see Miguel but until he gets here he can take advantage of the quiet space and rest for a minute. He’s completely spaced out by the time his door opens and it makes his heart speed up as he almost throws the tangle he’s fidgeting with at Miguel. His boyfriend blinks in surprise at the aborted movement before crossing over to him and sitting on the foot of the bed.
‘Are you alright?’ Miguel signs immediately and he just sits there- he’s not sure which is probably an indication in itself, he shrugs and looks back down at the green and blue fidget toy, running his fingers over the textured parts. ‘Can I touch you?’ Miguel asks and he’s surprised by how unpleasant that sounds… ‘Just not lightly please,’ he signs and his boyfriend nods before scooting closer and hugging him tightly.
As soon as they’re touching Miguel keeps up the steady pressure and he relaxes slightly into the embrace. It’s a bit awkward because he still hasn’t taken off his headphones but they manage alright and the steady grounding pressure does help soothe the need to stim a bit but he still doesn’t let go of the tangle and when he starts rocking Miguel just tightens his arms a little more and moves with him, humming gently.
Some amount of time he assumed to be between ten minutes and an hour later he feels hands in his hair and the headphones are pulled off, causing him to flinch and whine embarrassingly. “I’m sorry,” Miguel whispers. “It's been like forty five minutes and I was worried, usually I’d sign but it’s a bad angle and I didn’t want to let go without warning you” taking a deep breath like he always does when nervous his brown eyes linger on Robby’s no doubt rumpled appearance ‘Nothing happened, just overwhelmed’ he types in the AAC app on his phone before going back to stimming.
“Alright love, do you want your headphones?” He ends up shaking his head despite it being untrue because he doesn’t want to think about it or risk this position changing at all. He doesn’t want to move or think ever again but that doesn’t stop him from realizing Sam was right and he probably should’ve called the evening off. He’s still silently curled up in a ball cursing his own stupidity and trying not to cry when someone knocks on his door. Usually it wouldn’t bother him but he lets out an embarrassing yelp and his hands fly involuntarily to his ears.
When the door is cracked open that’s how Johnny finds them, Miguel holding him tightly and rocking him while he tries to will himself out of existence or at least not burst into tears. Times like this just suck but there’s something particularly difficult about handling it when there’s not a clear cause, sure he’s been tired but he doesn’t think it’s fair for his brain to get this bent out of shape over literally nothing.
His dads expression softens immediately and he closes the door gently to quiet the noise from downstairs “Robby are you okay?” He asks without wasting a second. He doesn’t move or respond, just hunkers down in Miguel’s arms and tries to breathe and remind himself he’s not dying. It just feels like everything is offline and he doesn’t want to deal with this- “Hey kiddo it’s alright, why don’t you stay up here and rest while we eat dinner?” His dad offers gently “I’ll make you some plain pasta with butter and Miguel can bring it up to you in a minute.”
Taking a deep breath he shakes his head and hauls himself out of Miguel’s arms ‘I’m fine,’ he signs quickly even as his mouth refuses to form words ‘I said I’d come so I’m coming.’ Johnny opens his mouth slightly to try and argue the point but Miguel shakes his head. He looks annoyed with him but he has that expression he gets when he knows Robby’s stubbornness isn’t going to let up until he crashes and burns.
It’s not a part of himself he particularly likes and he knows Miguel feels the same way but he can’t help it right now, there’s too much else going on in his head to focus on how stupid he’s being. Daisy follows him as soon as he’s dragged himself free from the tangled bedding and Miguel’s arms, she’s rubbing against his side and licking his hands as he rubs the skin aggressively. As soon as he starts scratching at his wrist Daisy paws at his hand, not letting up until he stops the comforting movement.
He just wants to curl up in a ball and never move again, or give into the overwhelming urge to pull his hair and fold into himself. Why he’s not just letting the meltdown happen is beyond him, it’s not like his dad and Miguel haven’t both seen it a thousand times- he doesn't realize he’s scratching this time until Daisy paws at him to get him to stop.
“Robs-“ his dad starts warily but he just shakes his head ‘I’m fine,’ he signs a bit messily as his hands won’t stop moving Miguel just rolls his eyes and watches him. He seems angry which isn’t like him at all and something about that makes him retreat further into himself, if Miguel’s tired of him being like this than he can- he can mask more and that starts with not having a meltdown.
The usually louder part of his mind that reminds him Miguel loves him exactly how he is isn’t functioning right now and all he can feel is panic and the all consuming urge to peel his skin off- he just wants out of his body. He manages half of dinner before the lasagna that he’s been choking down decides to make a reappearance and he collapses on the bathroom floor, vomiting up the entire contents of his stomach which is worse sensory wise than it was when he ate it.
He can’t stand throwing up, I mean he knows nobody likes it but fuck it destroys him. He just can’t- his head slams into the wall hard and fast and somehow it’s less painful than the whirlpool that is his brain right now. Consolidated, focused, controlled- he does it again harder and bites his lip until his mouth fills with blood which doesn’t make the sensory overload better.
Someone slides a towel between his head and the wall and he doesn’t know if he’s grateful it hurts less or if… god he can’t think it all hurts too much, he just needs a- Daisy’s there and she curls up across his lap and paws at his hands each time he raises them to his skin or hair in an attempt pull and scratch and hurt. He just cries and rocks and wishes for it to be over, for the frantic energy to burn out so he rest.
It’s like being in the ocean he imagines, unable to breathe as he’s thrown against the rocks again and again, there are lulls of course when he manages control of his breathing for a moment but the overwhelming emotion and tears always come back with a vengeance. Finally he’s managed to calm down a little, or he hasn’t been able to calm down but he’s exhausted and cried himself out.
For a while he stays there slumped over on the floor next to the toilet before finally lifting his head and running his hands through his disastrously messy hair. The right side of his forehead is sore but he thinks between the towel and Daisy’s behavior interruption and DPT it’s not as bad as his big meltdowns normally are. His mouth still tastes of vomit though…
“I brought your toothbrush downstairs and the kids toothpaste because I figured you wouldn’t want the mint one” Miguel says quietly and he glances over in surprise to see his boyfriend sitting on the other side of the bathroom with his knees up to his chest frowning. “Come upstairs when you’re done because I’m going to draw a bath,” before he can answer Miguel is leaving and he’s left sitting uncertainly on the tile floor with his heartbeat pounding in his ears as he drags his aching body off the floor and brushes his teeth.
He barely manages to make it up the stairs and he thinks he might be crying again as he tugs anxiously at his t-shirt, finally kicking off his shorts and opening his bathroom door to find Miguel sitting on the toilet next to the bathtub. “You can get in now” he blinks a little at the abruptness and pulls off his boxers and shirt before slowly climbing into the tub and bringing his knees up to his chest.
He doesn’t normally mind being naked in front of Miguel but he just feels so exposed, he can tell his boyfriend is upset but he doesn’t know what he did and it’s a terrifying feeling he can never seem to work through no matter how much therapy he dedicates to it. He’s never not going to miss things or magically start communicating in a way neurotypicals understand so the paralyzing fear of messing up without knowing how is going to stay too.
God this is worse than the before or the actual meltdown, he can’t have issues with Miguel- he just can’t handle it. He loves him so much but any communication issue stresses him so much because he always tries so hard not to be mean and it’s a complete lack of understanding sometimes no matter how much effort he puts in. It’s not even that he believes his social perception is wrong, it's
just so different that the distance between his communication style and other peoples is often devastating.
“I’m sorry,” he forces out desperately and now he knows he’s crying “I don’t know why you’re upset but I’m sorry I’ll do better I promise-“ he can’t get his breathing under control at all and his ribs hurts as he brings his knees up to his chest and cries into them. “I don’t mean to be insensitive and I’m sorry if I said something wrong” sniffling and trying to contain it because he’s equally worried about being clingy and insecure and that wearing on Miguel.
“Ugh Robby,” Miguel groans running a hand over his face in a gesture even he understands as frustration as he starts crying harder and trying to muffle the sobs against his arm, it’s not unlikely that he’ll have another meltdown if this goes on and that’s probably the last thing either of them needs right now. He’s too distracted panicking to notice Miguel stripping out of his clothes until he taps his shoulder and he scoots forward immediately while his boyfriend lowers himself into the tub behind him and wraps his arms around him.
“Please take a deep breath mi amor, I am upset but you getting worked up doesn’t help either of us” he nods a bit and he feels just a tiny bit better when a calloused palm caresses his stomach. He’s usually better at monitoring his emotions but it takes energy and effort that just isn’t there after his meltdown. “Okay,” he just barely bites down the apology and tries to breathe- he knows the panic is out of proportion and they have very clear communication guidelines in this relationship for this exact reason “Things are going to be okay right?” He finally whispers and Miguel slumps over a bit before kissing his shoulder and he can feel him nod.
“Do you want to talk or wait?” Miggy asks gently and as tired as he is he recognizes that he won’t be able to relax or sleep with this awful feeling bubbling in his stomach. “Talk,” he answers immediately “just give me a couple minutes” Miguel nods immediately and just holds him as he lets the warmth from the water sink into his skin.
Inexplicably he’s always freezing after a meltdown and a warm bath can help sometimes. So he just sits there and tries to breathe, they have rules for a reason and moments like these are why- he struggles with communication and trauma so rules help, having a procedure and steps to follow works. Amongst these rules the biggest is never using the silent treatment or otherwise ignoring each other, if someone doesn’t want to talk they can say that but knowing he’s not just going to be left to figure out what he might’ve done wrong alone relieves a lot of anxiety.
He takes more deep breaths.
“I’m sorry if I missed something but I don’t know why you’re upset, could you please explain it to me?” He chooses the words carefully and talking is the last thing he wants but he’ll just not get out of bed tomorrow and let himself be nonverbal. Miguel sighs “I’m upset because you knew you needed a break today and you purposefully made decisions that would hurt you, I understand sometimes you don’t realize how overwhelming things are because you’re used to it or when someone else is putting pressure on you but it would’ve been so easy to just stay in bed and have your dad bring you pasta?”
He’s pretty sure he just blinks at Miguel in shock, he just didn’t think that’s where this was going and suddenly all his scripts are completely useless. “I’m sorry I didn’t-“ he’s completely unsure how to continue “I wanted to do the dinner and movie like we planned and not just leave you to hang out alone with my family all night.”
He feels his eyes get wet again as he tries to grasp the complete change in the direction of this conversation, it’s so hard to wait but it’s also hard to have these weighted conversations when he’s just had a meltdown because one meltdown means having another is ten times as likely as any other moment. “But I like your family and I’ve always supported your needs as much as I can!”
Miguel snaps and suddenly it clicks, this isn’t just about how he treats himself it’s about Miguel still worrying he doesn’t do enough to make him comfortable being authentic with him. “It’s not your fault,” he blurts it immediately “I have my own issues that have nothing to do with how supportive you are- I mean you’re perfect Migs honestly but my head gets all jumbled up sometimes a-and I try really hard not to mask and stuff but sometimes it’s just hard. But its not you I promise, you actually make things so much better but sometimes I still feel like a burden and that’s my own struggle that has nothing to do with anything you’re doing and it’s been better actually since we’ve got together but when it does bother me it’s not your fault at all!”
Miguel sighs and the hand on his stomach moves to his boyfriends hair which Miguel runs his fingers through anxiously “This isn’t just about me Robby it’s- I wish you’d take better care of yourself.” The words hang in the air for a minute as his heart thumps behind his ribs “I k-know I’m not an easy person to be w-with but I do t-try,” he whispers shakily “I try so hard but it’s never enough and sometimes I just wish I could be n-normal because like- this is so hard.”
He knows he’s breathing heavier and there are tears welling in his eyes for the thousandth time “This is so hard Miggy and I’m trying but I don’t know what I’m doing” lips press to his shoulder and he can feel shaking fingers dug into his hip as he tries to choke down the tears “I know I’m so lucky to have you and my dad but like- people look at me like I shouldn’t even exists like they don’t know what’s wrong with me and I try not to think like that but it’s so hard.”
Miguel’s inhale is almost as shaky as his own breathing “You’re not hard to be with and it is about me a little, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable with anything around me because I love you exactly how you are. I love you when you stim and when you’re nonverbal and on your bad days but I don’t like feeling like I’m on the outside. I know it’s stupid but you usually only mask around people you don’t trust and I want you to trust me so much, I want to give you that.”
He can see how much it takes Miguel to get the words out and how ashamed he looks. Clearly that took a lot of courage and he turns around and kisses Miguel’s cheek. “I trust you so much Miggy, like more than anyone I’ve ever known but my problems have nothing to do with you- not to be rude” he adds as an afterthought and Miguel suddenly bursts out laughing.
“Yeah okay I love you and thank you for saying that, I’m sorry for taking out my insecurities on you a little bit but I also want you to know that that’s not all it was- because it really is hard for me to watch you put yourself in those situations.” He’s not sure why Miggy was laughing but it’s very soothing and he relaxes back against his boyfriend's strong chest. “We’re not still fighting are we?” He double checks because he hates the thought of going to sleep with Miguel mad at him “No love we’re not fighting.”
Rather than responding he hums slightly and leans back, trying to keep his eyes open “Okay you’re about to crash massively if you haven’t already so why don’t we get in bed?” He doesn’t answer but he can feel a small smile on his face, Miguel knows him so well but he’s too late his body already feels weighed down and he’s about ready to sleep in the bath when he’s scooped up and hauled clumsily out of the tub.
“Nope we’re not doing this again, you’re going to have to wait five minutes.” He doesn’t answer, because he has no desire to speak or be awake and he can hear Miguel grumble something to himself before wrapping him up in a fluffy towel and rubbing his curls dry (he even takes the time to run curl cream through the damp strands so it doesn’t dry straight and frizzy.)
He doesn’t remember what happens next except that he wakes up with a weighted blanket thrown over his body and a warm pair of arms around his waist and he knows everything is going to be okay, even when they fight, even when he struggles, even when things are hard.