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”Kyle,” Stan whispered, almost soundlessly. He breathed it warm into Kyle’s ear, who shivered from it. “Am I going to die?” he asked. Stan's mom and dad were out for some college event with Shelley, and they had asked Kyle to come over. As of current, they were both in Stan’s bed.
Kyle turned to face Stan, who was teary-eyed. The light in the hallway illuminated them just enough for Kyle to see Stan’s expression, and he would have almost laughed if it weren’t for how serious Stan looked. “No,” he said. “No. Of course you’re not gonna die.” And then he did laugh, just a little, and he wiped some of the hair out of Stan’s eyes. “That’s silly.”
“I just feel so bad,” Stan said. He squeezed his eyes shut and the tears fell, and he curled himself into Kyle’s chest.
Kyle shushed Stan and stroked his hair softly. He didn’t know what else to do. He could hear Stan’s breath on his neck and he was burning underneath the sheets and clothes but couldn’t do anything about it. “You’re okay,” he said. “Nothing’s going to happen.”
“Don’t leave me,” Stan cried, and Kyle’s heart skipped a beat. He could feel Stan shivering.
Kyle held Stan’s face. He kissed every part of it except Stan’s mouth. “You’re okay,” he said. “Really.” Then he did it again, and Stan didn’t do anything except for squirm in response. He left his eyes shut. “But listen, Stan, you have to take a shower or a bath or something, alright?” Kyle asked softly. “Can you do that?”
Stan didn’t say anything. He tightened his hold on Kyle.
Kyle slowly shifted to an upward position with Stan still holding onto him, and he kissed Stan on the cheek. He was nervous as hell doing it. “Look, we’re up. It’s okay, see?”
The two of them slowly stood up between more encouragement and kisses and pats, and Kyle managed to get Stan to stand up. They walked over steadily, with Stan weakly holding Kyle’s hand.
“I’ll start the bath for you, and you can do the rest,” Kyle said. He turned on the hot water in the bathtub and kneeled to feel the temperature. Stan was burning but shivering at the same time, so Kyle made the water as hot as he could manage.
Finally, Stan said something. “I want to take a bath with you,” he said, and Kyle nearly hit his head on the rim of the tub.
He flipped his head around to look at Stan, and Stan had a tired expression that couldn’t be read in any other way. Kyle nodded slowly but didn’t move, and let the bath fill.
When it had filled and Stan had stripped down he went into the bath and stared at Kyle expectedly, who simply stared back with a frown. Then, slowly, Kyle eased himself into the tub facing toward Stan with his clothes on, and uncomfortably shifted his legs between Stan’s. Before he could say anything, Stan laughed.
“What?” Kyle huffed. “What’s so funny?” He felt embarrassed. He also didn’t know how Stan was laughing while he was naked.
“I don’t know. I really don’t,” Stan said. “We did this when we were kids, I think.”
Kyle laughed too, now, but not because he thought anything was funny, and he thought to himself that maybe he and Stan were laughing for the same reasons. “You’re crazy.”
“Why do you have your clothes on?” Stan asked. Kyle looked at him, as he had been doing all night, with a look of slight confusion and bewilderment, and when all he got in response was a blank face that made Stan look like a lost puppy, he had to break eye contact.
He laughed again now, and turned his head to one side. “You want me to get in here, naked with you?”
He expected Stan to look shocked by this comment, as if maybe he finally understood what he was really suggesting, but Stan still had that dazed look like he was from outer space, and he yawned and said, “What do you think taking a bath even means?”
Kyle shut up because he didn’t know what to say, and then he crossed his arms and looked down at the water and mumbled, “This water is, like, scalding.”
“It’s not that hot, really. And you made it that way.”
“You’re really sick, Stan. That’s why. I still think it’s hot, though.”
“Well then take your clothes off!” Stan yelled, and he splashed some of the water at Kyle’s face. Kyle’s whole body moved as a reflex and some water spilled over the tub.
“You’re the worst. I don’t know why I help you!” Kyle yelled back. At this point they were both yelling at each other, but it was more like loud speaking rather than arguing. “Look, are you happy now?” Kyle asked as he took his wet shirt off and threw it on the floor beside the tub. He crossed his arms again. He felt weird. “I’m not talking my pants off.”
“You’re very skinny,” Stan said. He leaned over and put his head in the water and then came back again, water dripping off his hair. “You’re cute.”
“What is the matter with you?” Kyle asked. He could feel himself flushing now. “Does being sick turn you gay?”
“I think so,” Stan said, and then he laughed loudly and splashed more water onto Kyle. “I’m so tired. I don’t wanna wash my hair or anything. I’m just gonna sit in the bath and sleep,” he said. He shut his eyes.
“‘What do you think taking a bath even means,’” Kyle repeated. “I’m getting out.”
“What? Hey, come on,” Stan said. He sighed as Kyle got up, water rocking back and forth violently in the tub as he did so, and said, ”I didn’t mean it. You know that.”
“I really believe you meant it when you said you were just going to sleep in the tub. Naked when I was sitting there, too. What’s wrong with you?” Kyle could feel an overwhelming sense of anger. Because he knew that Stan didn’t actually mean what he was saying. He was just giving Kyle a false sense of hope.
Stan opened his mouth and then shut it again and said, “I’m sorry, alright? Honest to God I am.” He put his hand up and dropped them. “It’s windy today and you’re probably cold standing there without a shirt on. Just come back in, okay?”
Kyle hated Stan in that moment. He hated that Stan could make such a sincere and honest face, and he most of all hated that he listened to that. “You’re crazy,” Kyle said as he got back in.
“I know. You said that already.” Stan gave a warm smile and grabbed Kyle’s wrist. “I want you to know I’m very happy right now, Kyle.”
Kyle felt the urge to rip his hand away, or maybe flick Stan with water or something, but he didn’t. He let Stan hold his wrist and put his chin to his knees. There was still some hope desperately bubbling in his chest. “You are?”
“I am.”
“And why’s that?”
“Because I’m grabbing your wrist and you aren’t even saying anything about it. That’s great stuff. And we’re in a tub together.”
“Well, if you say something about it, then it gets weird.”
“I blew it, didn’t I?”
“You did,” Kyle said. He slowly removed his arm from Stan’s grip and let it fall back into the water. Then he asked, “Are you gonna wash off or not?”
Stan hummed for a second. “Probably not,” he said. And he stretched across the rim of the tub and grabbed his boxers and put them on as well. “We’re both normal now,” he said.
“It’s not normal,” Kyle replied. “It’s something, but it’s not normal. You can’t call it that.”
“Well, whatever it is, it’s enjoyable. Hey, Kyle. Hey.” Stan let out a long yawn that shook his entire body, and then he sank further into the water. “Hold my hand.”
Kyle faltered for a split second. Then he stood up out of the water and got out. Stan looked at him with a blank expression, but also with a face of nervousness, and all Kyle did was turn off the light before he went back in. “Okay,” he said, very softly. “Okay.”
So they held hands. Kyle’s hand was much colder than Stan’s, and he felt himself sort of shaking as they intertwined their fingers. He shut his eyes and left them that way.
“We used to do this when we were kids,” Stan said in the darkness. It was pitch black beside the faint orange glow of the streetlight streaming through the jealousy, but still Kyle knew everything about Stan in that moment. What his face looked like and what he was doing and feeling.
“Yeah,” Kyle breathed.
The grasp on Kyle’s hand tightened. “When do you think we stopped?”
Kyle thought in silence. A car drove past their street. “Maybe fourth grade.” And then he laughed and knew that he was laughing the same way Stan did before. “I don’t know why. I think it was…. embarrassing, or something,” he said. He tightened his grasp back.
“Why’d you turn the light off?”
“I didn’t want you to see my face. And I didn’t really want to see yours, either.”
“Why?”
“Because this is embarrassing, I guess.”
There was a long pause. Kyle thought Stan had fallen asleep. “Why is it embarrassing?”
“…‘Cause—‘cause you’re holding my hand.”
“And you don’t want me to see your face when you hold my hand.”
“No.”
“Kyle,” Stan said. He chuckled and the water in the bath splashed back and forth. “I can see your face in the dark. You have your eyes closed. What expression do you think I’m making right now?”
Kyle considered warily, but he already knew. He didn’t know why he acted like it was a challenge to know. “You’re probably grinning at me like an idiot. And you’re probably really tired but trying to act like you’re awake, and you don’t think this is embarrassing at all.”
There was nothing from the other end, and Kyle kept his eyes shut. Then he felt the water move. “You know me so well,” Stan said. Kyle could feel Stan’s body shake again from another yawn, and then he felt Stan sitting on him. “Keep your eyes shut.” He held his breath and squeezed his eyes closed. He felt himself swallow, too, and he could feel Stan’s heartbeat as Stan pressed his skin against Kyle’s in a mix of warm water. He shivered when he felt a hand touch his face, and Stan hushed him softly. Kyle didn’t know what to process at this point. He had no clue what was happening but was too scared to open his eyes for fear of ruining the moment. He felt a peck on his forehead.
Kyle was going to erupt from nervousness, but he stayed as still as possible, and he felt Stan’s lips on his own for a split second and it was gone. Kyle hadn’t breathed yet, so he let in a sharp breath through his nose. Stan laughed more at this, and Kyle shot his eyes open and there was nothing but darkness. Slowly his eyes adjusted and he could make out Stan’s face in front of him. Stan was smiling, just as he predicted, and Kyle couldn’t do anything more than sit in a daze.
“You—you k-“ Kyle stopped talking for a little while and bit his lip and then he said again, “You kissed me.”
Stan seemed to grow just a little embarrassed, and he looked down and said, “You did it first.”
“But—but I didn’t… I didn’t kiss your mouth.”
“I know. You kissed everywhere but my mouth. Why?”
Kyle didn’t know why, really. “Because I didn’t think you’d want that.”
Stan hummed in response, and he said, “Do you?”
Kyle didn’t say anything. Stan laughed harder this time, and he hugged Kyle, nuzzling into Kyle’s neck and breathing slowly. “Usually when I say something dumb, you have a million things to say in response. Or you’ll complain about something. And I love that about you, Kyle. I do. But right now you’re silent, and I know that means you do want that,” he said, and he kissed Kyle’s neck.
He let go of the hug and stared into Kyle’s eyes, and all Kyle could keep repeating under his breath was, “You’re crazy. You’re crazy.”
Stan laughed even more at that. He looked down and said, “I’m so in love with you, Kyle.” Kyle felt everything leave him, all feeling and emotion, or perhaps it was too much to experience all at once, and Stan continued, “I’m too much of a coward to tell you, though. Which is why I need to let you know now that I’m not in my right mind. I love you. I love you so, so much.” Stan let his head rest on Kyle’s shoulder, and Kyle could feel Stan shaking against his own body.
Kyle put his hand to the back of Stan’s head and pet him a little. They stayed there for a minute with Kyle just stroking Stan’s hair and Stan shaking. “Stan,” Kyle said.
Stan hummed in response.
Kyle was trying to keep his voice level. “Let’s get out of the bath, okay? You’re sick. You’re sick.”
Stan didn’t say anything at first, but then he said, “Okay,” and they both stood up, holding onto each other, and Kyle drained the bath. They were both shivering from the wind, and a shock went through Kyle’s body when Stan started rubbing Kyle’s face with his towel.
“What are—you—doing?” he asked between being rubbed with towel. He sneezed. Stan giggled.
“I’m drying you off.”
He kept doing it until Kyle’s hair was for the most part dry, and then he quickly ran the towel down Kyle’s entire body, which tickled. Kyle jumped around from the sensation, which only urged Stan to do it more and then Kyle let out an involuntary scream which just about killed Stan. Kyle did the same things to Stan, rubbing his head inside a towel, and then quickly running through his body, but this time Kyle made sure to specifically tickle Stan’s stomach. To this, Stan squirmed around and nearly fell over, much to both of their amusements. The two of them just couldn’t stop smiling and chattering.
At the end of it all, they brushed their teeth in the dark together, both of them still shivering in their underwear with towels around their necks. Kyle couldn’t stop himself from feeling giddy, even when it started to drizzle outside and come through the window. When it was all said and done, they both hurried back to Stan’s bedroom, where they jumped in together. Kyle squealed when Stan’s cold hands hugged him.
“You’re sick!” Kyle exclaimed, half of it coming out in laughter.
“I know,” Stan said. He curled into Kyle’s body and they both lay there hugging each other under the covers and giggling and freezing.
Once they had caught their breaths, Kyle turned to face Stan better, though he couldn’t see anything in the pitch black, and asked, “Do—do you feel better?”
There was a silence for a moment, but Kyle knew Stan was there because he could hear his breath and feel his skin. “I still feel all out of it, but I think you should worry about yourself. You’re in very close proximity to a sick person.”
“Then you’ll just have to take care of me,” Kyle said, nearly exploding from excitement.
“O-of course,” Stan said. He was chattering pretty hard, and that’s when Kyle noticed he was chattering pretty hard, himself. They huddled together. Kyle couldn’t stop his heartbeat from breaking the sound barrier. “I’m so glad I’m delirious right now,” Stan laughed.
”Me, too.”
They laid there for a while, Kyle being able to hear both of their heartbeats against the drumming of the rain against the roof of the house. He felt all fluttery. After lying still in the darkness for just a little longer he came to the conclusion that Stan was sleeping.
“Goodnight, Stan,” Kyle whispered. He fell asleep smiling and fighting the urge to kick his feet in the air.
The next morning, Kyle had a 105° fever.