Work Text:
Ed sat in front of his computer, the blue glow of the screen reflecting off of his glasses. There were eight tabs open on his browser.
What do you call it when you dont feel like a boy
What is it called when your not a boy or a girl
what is non binary
How to tell when you’re nonbinary
Am I Transgender? Take Free Quiz
gender identity
what is my gender identity
Tetris On Browser Free Game- Play Now!
He watched as another four-block tile fell down on his screen. Tetris wasn’t the best game in the world (That would be Joe Fist 4, Punch The Extreme, but that game was only good as multiplayer,) but it was good for taking your mind off of things. Things like earlier today.
“RJ’s nonbinary, yeah?”
“Oh, sorry. Um, what’s that mean?”
“For them? It means they decided they’re not a boy or a girl.”
“What! You can do that? No one told me.”
Johnny proceeded to tell Ed about RJ’s epic origin story, but Ed’s mind was somewhere else. He’d never given much thought to his gender before. He’d always been called by he and him and referred to as male, which never particularly bothered him, so he’d never needed to think that hard about it. He hadn’t even realized there were other options than the boy or girl binary until now.
Until now.
He grumbled as he watched a tile reach the top of his screen and the game over card appear. His head hurt. He had just spent the whole day embarrassing himself in front of Izzy, playing the most intense game in gym class since dodgeball got banned last month, and then stalking a teacher and fighting a different teacher and having a heartfelt reconciliation and being potentially wanted by the vice principal. He did not need a crisis on top of that.
He closed the tab for browser Tetris. What he needed wasn’t a distraction, it was someone to talk to.
It was 11:30 p.m., according to his computer. Izzy had gone straight to bed after they had gotten home, so he couldn’t talk to her. He didn’t know Max that well and his and Isaac’s relationship was still a bit rocky, and he didn’t trust anyone from the Academy well enough to open up to them like this. This was maybe a big deal. Maybe it was nothing, maybe it was just Ed Burger being the weird kid he usually was, but maybe it wasn’t.
There was one person who might be able to help him, though.
“Hello, Ned! What do you need with me at this exact moment? Sage advice for a little baby like yourself?”
“Uh, yeah, kinda.” Ed looked up at his tool’s spirit. Muse wasn’t always the nicest person, but he did have good advice. “Izzat-”
“Ha-ha! I knew it! Now do 10 push-ups and explain while doing so.”
“It’s almost midnight.”
“Do you want my advice or not?”
Ed sighed and got onto the floor of his room. “So, it’s- izzat-”
“You call that a push-up? Arms, higher!”
“Ugh.” His glasses were falling down his face, so he stopped to take them off before continuing to fail to do push-ups. “So, I needed to ask you about… because… well, I met someone today, who- who’s, um, nonbinary, you know? Not a boy ‘r a girl. And I was wondering if that could maybe… be me.”
“You think that you could not be a boy? Those push-ups were horrible, do 20 more.”
“Well, I… I never really thought about it? But, um, maybe? Like, I’ve never hated being called a boy, it’s fine, but I-I just… feel like… it doesn’t, um, fit all the time. I guess. You know?”
Muse crossed his arms. “No, I do not. Spirits do not need to concern themselves with mortal concepts such as ‘gender’.” He paused. “But I will listen, if you need to talk more.”
“Well, I tried looking some stuff up, but it made me even more confused. I don’t know what any of this means. I think… maybe I’m just being stupid. Maybe this is all stupid. I’ve never worried about all this before.”
“That means nothing. Humans tend to… go through changes, at your age. It’s perfectly normal to want to try something new.”
“Would… would it really change anything? Being nonbinary, I mean. If I am. Would people… see me differently?”
“Differently from being the weird kid that talks to themself and does push ups in the middle of the school hallway? Hardly. But if you’re worried about your friends, don’t be. They won’t judge you.”
“How d’you know?” Ed’s heart was beating in his ears, and it might’ve been because he just did 40 push ups, but it might’ve been from being called themself.
“Because they’re your friends. If they care about you, they won’t judge you.”
Ed sat up and put his glasses back on. “Thanks, Muse.”
“Speak nothing of it, Nedward.” The spirit nodded once at his apprentice, then disappeared.
Ed checked the time. 11:31. He opened another tab.
pronoun tester
He clicked on the first link that came up, a website called ‘Pronoun Dressing Room’.
Name: Ed
Subjective: he
Objective: him
Possessive determiner: him
Possessive pronoun: his
Reflexive: himself
He read the paragraph provided out loud to himself. Yeah, that felt fine. Normal. Nothing wrong with it.
Name: Ed
Subjective: they
Objective: them
Possessive determiner: them
Possessive pronoun: theirs
Reflexive: themself
He read the paragraph to himself again. Oh. It felt… nice. Different from he, but still… good. He read the paragraph again. They read the paragraph again. Yeah, that felt… right, maybe. Wow. Okay.
He (they?) stared at the page for a moment. Ran a hand through his hair. Started typing.
Name: Ed
Subjective: she
Objective: her
Possessive determiner: her
Possessive pronoun: hers
Reflexive: herself
He read the paragraph, quieter this time. He didn’t know why. There was nothing to be ashamed about, but for some reason, he felt like this was something he shouldn’t be doing.
It was the same thing. It was different from what he was used to, and saying it out loud made his heart go like he had just done 50 more push ups, but it felt right. Somehow. Like it fit.
Holy moly.
Ed wasn’t sure what to do with this new information about himself (herself? Huh?), but it felt important. He was going to tell Isabel about it tomorrow, he decided, so that his brain wouldn’t try and make it a bigger deal than it already was. Right now, he decided he would go to sleep, for the sole purpose of getting through school the next day.
He turned off his computer and got in his bed, and didn’t get a single wink of sleep that night.
…
“Izzy! Wait up!”
Ed ran to catch up with Isabel at the bus stop. Despite her- oh my gosh, her- own advice to not make it a big thing, they managed to spend the whole night thinking over ways to tell Isabel about their revelation. He wasn’t sure if they were ready to tell the rest of the Activity Club, but they wanted to tell someone.
“‘Sup, Ed?”
“Um!” Just be normal. Just act normal. This isn’t a big deal. She won’t judge you.
“So-o-o… how about that brain guy yesterday, huh?”
“Yeah, that was… pretty wild.” Isabel had her hands in her pockets, looking at something at her feet.
“Sure was somethin’. So, when we all had to split up to stalk the different teachers, you know, for the brain thing, how wazzat for you?”
“Uh. It was. Fine.” The thing at her feet must’ve been really interesting, because she wasn’t looking anywhere else. “Mr. Spender- Hijack, talked to me a bit. About stuff. But he was probably just lying to me.”
“Oh! Wait!” She looked over at Ed. “There was one thing. Mrs. Baxter's on an online dating site, for some reason."
"Whaaaat? Don't let Suzy hear that, or it'll be all over the papers."
"Heh, like anyone reads those." She shrugged. "Well, how about you? You were following Mr. Starchman, right?"
This was her in. "Yeah. He's got this awesome mini skateboard and… and, I ran into Johnny and his friend RJ." They laughed at Isabel's concerned face. "Don't worry, I beat them up."
Isabel raised an eyebrow. "Oh, yeah?"
Ed gave Izzy her trademark maniacal grin. "Yessir! Anyway, well, after I beat 'em up, we had a very deep talk about our feelings, and I think that I maybe enabled Johnny to even worse levels of bullying, but I've decided not to worry about that. I unlocked RJ's secret backstory and all that, and I learned that they're, um, nonbinary. That's when you're not a boy or a girl. For them, at least."
"Yeah, I know. Not about RJ, I have genuinely no idea who they are, but I know what being nonbinary is."
"Oh! Okay, then. Well, I was thinking last night, and I think… maybe…" Here we go.
"IthinkthatImightalsobenonbinary."
“Huh?”
“I said… I think that I might also be nonbinary.”
There was a moment's pause where Ed also noticed the very interesting thing at their feet, and then suddenly Isabel was hugging him and they were hugging back because Izzy gave the best hugs and Ed could really use one of them right now.
"Oh, Ed," Izzy murmured. "I'm so proud of you."
They broke away from the hug and Ed smiled weakly at her. "Thanks."
"So, does that mean you use different pronouns now, or…?"
"I still like he, but if you wanna use they or she for me…"
Isabel gave her a thumbs-up. "A'ight, good to know. So is it still Ed, or are you using a new name?"
"Ed's good." The bus arrived then, and they sat down next to each other, like usual. The topic changed, and they chatted comfortably with each other until they got to school. Ed was beyond relieved that Isabel was so casual about the whole thing. She was only a little bit annoyed that she apparently knew what being nonbinary was already but didn't tell them about it, but then again, why would she?
"So," Isabel started as they got off the bus, "are you going to tell the guys?"
"Huh?"
"About being nonbinary. I'm not gonna rush you or anything, but I know that they'll support you."
"Oh. Uh, not now. Still have some figuring out to do." Ed fidgeted with the strap of her backpack.
"Alright. You know we're here for you if you need us."
"Good to know." Ed grinned at Izzy, and Izzy smiled back at him. Them. Her.
Whatever. Izzy smiled back.
…
This time, there were only three tabs on his browser, and it was only 10:30 p.m.
nonbinary identities
What gender am i
65 Gender Identity Terms and Definitions to Learn
He scrolled through the list, hunched over their computer.
Transgender. Maybe not. They didn't feel like they were a girl, just not a guy. Or well, not a guy all the time. Maybe sometimes, though? Is that a thing?
Agender. Nah. That didn’t really feel right, either. Is that how you go about this type of thing? Do you just feel it out or something? That’s the strategy Ed decided to go with, at least.
Androgyne. Mm, no.
Bigender. No. Maybe? No.
Demigender. Eh. Nah.
Genderfluid. N- hmm.
Gender fluidity refers to change over time in a person's gender expression or gender identity, or both. That change might be in expression, but not identity, or in identity, but not expression. Or both expression and identity might change together.
Huh.
That was… kinda what she was looking for. They were not expecting that there'd be a word for that.
Yeah… that kinda made a lot of sense. Wow. Okay.
They stared at the genderfluid flag for a bit. Multicolored stripes seemed to stare back at her.
Okay.
…
She told Izzy her plan over breakfast. Well, it wasn't really a plan. It was more of a "I'm going to come out to Isaac and Max today" with no idea as to "how". But it was at least the start of a plan, and Ed had worked with less before.
They'd spent the past few days looking things up on the internet, and they were pretty sure that genderfluid was their preferred label, at least for now. At least, they were confident enough to tell the rest of the club.
He was jittery the whole way to school. Despite Isabel’s reassurance, their head was full of nagging little what-ifs that Normal Ed would just ignore. But Normal Ed wasn’t present now, and whoever was in his place was an anxious mess.
It’ll all be fine. It was fine with Izzy! Why would it be any different with Max or Isaac?
But it was different with Izzy. Isabel understood Ed, at least to a greater extent than most. Ed wasn’t stupid, she knew that people thought he was weird. He owned their weirdness. It was her whole brand. But what if, maybe, this was… what if this was too weird? What if this crossed the line?
They expressed this concern to Isabel on the bus. She raised an eyebrow. "Right, because someone using different pronouns is weirder than using ghosts to fight other ghosts. It'll be fine, trust me. And don't worry, if they don't respect you, they'll be respecting my fists soon enough!"
Ed smiled nervously. "Yeah."
They got to school and were greeted with Max and Isaac bickering with each other, which seemed to be their chosen way of bonding.
“Please. Scootboarding is a significantly cooler mode of transportation than biking. The best stunt you can do on a bike is popping a wheelie. They are, if you ask me, basically the opposite of hardcore.” Max was holding his metal bat in one hand, and the scooter being currently discussed in the other.
“No way, man. Anime protagonists throughout the years have proven time and time again that bikes are super cool. Have you ever seen a main character ride a scooter? Exactly.” Isaac seemed especially proud of this counterpoint, crossing his arms to accentuate it.
Max opened his mouth for a comeback, but Isaac noticed the pair walking towards them. “Oh hey, there’s Ed and Isabel! They’ll help settle this.” He walked over to them, Max behind him.
“Hey, guys,” Isabel said. Ed waved her hand. I can do this.
“Hey! So.” Isaac put his hands together, face serious. “We need to come to an ultimatum. Which is cooler, bikes or scooters?”
“Scootboards,” Max interjected.
“Whatever.”
Isabel thought for a second. “Scootboards, definitely. Bikes are way unoriginal.” Ed nodded in agreement.
Isaac deflated. Max smirked. “Well, glad we came to a decision,” he said smugly, looking at the other boy, who rolled his eyes and punched him lightly in the arm.
“Shut up.”
They started walking towards the school doors, but Ed stopped them.
“Wait, guys, um! I gotta tell you something.”
“Yeah?” Isaac and Max turned around to look at her. Ed gave a quick glance at Isabel, who smiled encouragingly in return.
“So, I was wondering… or well- I’ve been thinking and… um.” Don’t make this a big deal. It’s not a big deal. Just say it. Their eyes went to the ground again.
“I think I’m genderfluid. I want to use she-her and they-them pronouns as well as he and him.”
Their heartbeat thrummed in his ears, hands fidgeting in his pockets. They looked up and were relieved to see that if the rest of the Activity Club were weirded out, they didn’t show it.
“Alright, cool! Good to know.” Isaac gave him a thumbs-up.
Max nodded. “Yeah, thanks for telling us, dude. Or, should I not say that?”
“Nah, it’s fine.” Ed grinned. “Same name, too.”
“A’ight, sick.” That seemed to signal that the conversation was over now, and Max and Isaac started up another friendly argument as they made their way towards the school, Ed and Isabel trailing behind them.
Izzy put a hand on their shoulder. “See? I toldja it’d be fine.”
Ed rolled her eyes- although they were hidden behind his glasses- and shrugged into the touch. “Gosh, why’re you always right?”
“It’s my superpower. That, and my actual supernatural spectral powers.” She laughed, and for the millionth time, Ed was infinitely thankful to have a friend like her.
The first bell rang as they got inside. Izzy waved at him. “See you at the club after school!”
“Yeah, see you!”
Ed couldn’t help the grin on her face as she made her way to class.
…
It was the weekend, and the four of them were walking around the Mayview Mini Mall. Spender had nudged them into hanging out with each other outside of school, saying that it was important that they practiced being a team outside of the club as well as inside. He also told them that slushies were half off at the Slushie Shack, which was the real reason they all came.
“So, is this where you guys hang out, normally?” Max asked, sipping cola-flavored slushie, which honestly wasn’t any better than one from your average 7-11, but hey, it was only 50 cents.
“Eh.” Isabel waved a hand side to side, her slushie (cherry) in the other. “It used to be a lot less crowded before that Jones guy took over. Now everyone comes here.” They stepped around a swarm of mall-loitering teenagers, and then another swarm, this time of red, purple, and blue spirits that looked like tiny birds.
Izzy snapped her fingers. “Oh, yeah, Ed, I just remembered something!”
Ed looked up from her slushie- lime- to glance at Isabel. “Wassup?”
“Do you want to come clothes shopping with me? My mom gave me some money for shopping earlier today, and I have to get new clothes for the summer anyway, so,” she shrugged.
“Uh, ‘kay?”
“I mean, I was just thinking that you might want to get some more, uh, feminine clothing? Is that the word? Like, if you want to get a skirt or dress or whatever.”
“Oh!” Ed froze. He had thought fleetingly about presenting more androgynous after she came out, but he hadn’t mentioned it to anyone. Wearing a dress or a skirt wasn’t something they’d considered before, but the idea of looking less like a boy, or maybe even getting called “she” or “they” in public, made them feel excited in a way they didn’t know how to describe.
“I mean, not that you have to, it was just a thought-”
“Sure, that sounds fun,” Ed said, before loudly finishing his slushie.
“Cool! We can go to that thrift store here in the mall. I’ve been there a few times with my dad and it’s pretty nice, actually.”
Isaac, who had opted for a blue raspberry slushie and had been pretty quiet until now, spoke up.
“Um, that’s nice, but do we have to come along?” He gestured to himself and Max. “I mean, there’s this game store that sells these anime figurines- not that I collect them or anything, I just want to see if-”
“Yeah, yeah, sure, whatever. You two go have fun at Hot Topic, we can meet back here in an hour.”
The group split up as Isaac and Max went off to do nerd things ("wait, is there actually a Hot Topic here?") and Izzy and Ed turned the corner to go to the thrift store.
A bell jingled as they stepped inside. It was fairly small but jam-packed with clothes sorted from type of clothing, size, and then color. An older lady greeted them with a wave and an “ask me if you need anything,” to which the two nodded.
“Alright, let’s see,” Isabel said as she dragged Ed over to the dresses. “You’d be… what, a small?”
“Yeah, probably.” Ed looked at the rack of clothes, gravitating towards the green ones. As usual.
“Here, what about this?” Izzy pulled out a blue-and-white striped knee-high dress. “Cute, right? Wow, I can feel my jock archetype leaving me as we speak.”
“Yeah, that’s nice.” Ed showed her an olive ankle dress with lace on the sleeves. “Is this one good?”
“Ooh, yeah, sure! Here, go look around some more and find some stuff to try on. I’m gonna go look over there.” She gestured to the t-shirts.
“Okay!” Isabel walked off as Ed took out a yellow and pink sequin-covered one with spaghetti straps, before immediately putting it back. He wondered what the old lady at the front thought, seeing a twelve-year-old boy look at dresses to try on. They paused for a moment, and then decided that they didn’t care at all.
After a while, she decided to try on the two Izzy and she picked out at the beginning, as well as a black one with a puffy skirt and a yellow one with white buttons down the front. They took them to the changing room and put the dresses on a hook, deciding to try on the olive green one first.
He held it out in front of him in the mirror before putting it on. Something that was beginning to feel familiar bubbled up inside of him, that strange feeling of fear and excitement and giddy all at once. Nerves zapped through her fingers as she undid the zipper in the back and struggled into the dress.
She held her breath as she looked in the mirror at herself, heart pumping in their throat.
The color was lovely- of course, Ed was a fan of all shades of green, but the dark muted tone contrasted with his skin and hair nicely. The skirt part of the dress fanned out at her ankles in a way that was very unlike any other article of clothing Ed had ever worn, and she suddenly felt compelled to spin around in it. Tentatively, they slowly gave the skirt a little spin. The swirl of fabric the dress created in response (which was a thing Ed hadn't been entirely sure actually happened in real life) was enough to make Ed laugh excitedly. He'd read about "gender euphoria" in his research, was that the feeling they kept getting?
Best of all, when Ed looked at herself in the mirror, and separated the figure reflected back at them from all the preconceived ideas about himself, he couldn't be sure of the person's gender. Was it a boy in a dress? Was it just a weird-looking girl? Was it someone who was neither, or both, or both and neither and maybe some kind of weird combination of all of it? Who knows! And yeah, maybe some parts of the dress were too tight or too loose- something to expect from something made for a different body type than your own,- and maybe the zipper was a little janky due to being standard second-hand quality, but Ed could hardly care less.
To Ed, it fit perfectly.