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The Queen of Escalation escalated up the nearest building.
Today was her first day as a hero, and she had already found a crime. In fact, it was a big one.
“Shoot the kids! Murder the kids! No more children! Kill the children! Dead Kids!”
The Queen of Escalation could tell that that voice was coming from the villain Lung, the Dragon of Kyushu, famous for drawing with Leviathan that one time, even though no one except Alexandria saw it.
Now, why did the Queen of Escalation decide to take on Lung, you ask?
Well, to escalate, obviously.
Before Lung could murder any children, an escalator fell on his head. A large set of metal stairs on a conveyor belt dropped out of the sky, and crushed Lung under its weight.
Satisfied with a job well done, the Queen of Escalation escalated down from the building she was hidden on. But then-
“I’ll kill you!” is what Lung would have said, if not for the fact that he was unable to speak properly in his draconic form. Lung, knowing this, deigned to not speak, instead of doing something silly like saying “Kiii Oooooo!”
Lung burst out from underneath the escalator with a furious roar instead, and swung for the Queen of Escalation.
While this may have been a predicament for some, the Queen of Escalation was a frequent versus debater, so the ramifications of cold blooded murder on a 16 year old’s conscience were completely irrelevant to her. This meant that she was able to escalate even further by escalating an escalator inside Lung’s skull, instantly killing him on the spot.
Lung’s now headless, draconic corpse collapsed onto a nearby La-Z-Boy. The unimportant, nameless ABB mooks that I neglected to mention were now irrelevant and went home.
Now alone, confident in her heroism, the Queen of Escalation stood valiant upon a man’s dead body.
I must ask of you, dear reader, do not feel sorry for Lung, since he was most definitely a bad person and totally deserved it, but do understand that the Queen of Escalation’s heroic attitude was juxtaposed by the fact that she just exploded a man’s head (who totally deserved it by the way) and was covered in blood.
Suddenly, she heard a motorcycle engine rumble closer. It was the Armscycle!
Armsmaster armsleapt off of his Armscycle, doing an armsflip and landing on his armsfeet. He extended his armshalberd to its full armsleng-
You know what?
No.
I’m not doing that anymore. It’s not funny.
Armsmaster armsproached-
Fuck . Sorry. Ehem…
Armsmaster approached the Queen of Escalation with caution.
“You should join the Wards! We really need another girl on the team. Shadow Stalker doesn’t count,” Armsmaster said, in a voice that was not his own.
Armsmaster stared.
The Queen of Escalation stared.
Armsmaster pressed a button on his helmet, and a CD ejected out of where his forehead would be. It was labeled ‘Vista’. “Apologies. Wrong personality.”
Armsmaster reached into his pockets (His armor has those. Efficiency, remember?”) and retrieved a disc labeled ‘Robomaster’.
Before he could place it in his forehead slot, he paused.
Armsmaster turned to adress the Narrator.
“What type of fanfiction is this?” he asked.
Oh, it’s a Heroic Taylor Stompfic-
“Ah, I see.” Armsmaster grabbed a CD labeled ‘Dadmaster’.
-with a grudge against the PRT and Protectorate.
“Oh.” Armsmaster grumbled with disappointment, before pulling out another CD, this time labeled ‘Jerkmaster’. He inserted it into the slot.
Beep. Calibrating. Beep.
Armsmaster whirred into motion, before addressing our protagonist, the Queen of Escalation.
“Halt, villain! I can tell that you are a villain by your villainous villain costume, villain!”
Now, if you are a careful or attentive reader, you may have noticed that I have neglected to mention what the Queen of Escalation’s cape costume looked like. This was intentional, as it was so incredible that words cannot describe it. Just know that Armsmaster was lying when he said it looked villainous, because he was a jerk.
“Do you have anything to say for yourself, villain?” Armsmaster asked.
The Queen of Escalation spoke up. “I’m a hero, actually.”
“Hah! Amusing.” Armsmaster laughed out loud. “If you were a hero, you would not have killed this poor man!”
“But it was Lung!”
“That’s even worse. We all love Lung - He’s harmless! He sits on La-Z-Boys all day! He drew with Leviathan that one time, even though I shouldn’t know that!”
“He said he was going to kill kids!”
Armsmaster ignored this, and continued. “It was ME, villain! I am the one who told Sophia Hess, Shadow Stalker, to bully you! I arranged the ABB attack on your best friend! I shoved you into that locker!”
Armsmaster hopped on to his Armscycle, and drove off, but not before getting the last word. “And I … was the one who broke your house’s front doorstep!”
He drove away, leaving the Queen of Escalation in his dust.
She could swear she heard an echoing voice in the distance.
“ Also, I’m taking the credit for Lung!”
/-E-S-C-A-L-A-T-I-O-N-/
The Queen of Escalation found herself sitting down alone, out of costume, in a ‘Fugly Bob’s’ establishment.
Why, you ask?
Well, firstly, she was alone because she had no friends. Secondly, she was at a Fugly Bob’s because everyone knows that Fugly Bob’s is the only fast food place in all of Brockton Bay, and I mean, have you seen the challenger?
Also, by now, some of you may prefer that I refer to the Queen of Escalation by her civilian name, but I’m afraid I can’t. Unwritten Rules, you see.
Now, the Queen of Escalation was sitting alone - but not for long; as unbeknownst to her, she was being watched by a conspicuous blonde teenager. (Who was definitely not Tattletale. Keep that in mind.) She also had a vulpine smile, and vulpine eyes. In fact, she had vulpine everything. All of her was fox-like.
Side note; have you ever seen a fox smile? I certainly haven’t. I wonder where that expression comes from?
Anyway, back to the Queen of Escalation, who was being watched by a conspicuous blonde teenager with a fox-like grin.
Oh, who am I kidding. It’s obviously Tattletale.
Tattletale approached our protagonist.
“You should join our villain team,” she said, suddenly.
“No, I think I’ll pass. Thanks, though,” The Queen of Escalation answered, used to the unhinged nature of this particular work of fanfiction by now. “Also, shouldn’t I be fighting you right now?”
“Ah, no. Unwritten Rules.”
“Naturally. But didn’t you approach me out of costume?”
“Nope, they don’t apply to me.”
“Of course.”
“I’m serious about joining our villain team, by the way. You’d be a good fit!” Tattletale begged.
“No thanks. Maybe you should join my hero team instead. You look like a good person.”
Tattletale clapped her hands together. The rest of the undersiders spontaneously appeared, in full costume.
The Queen of Escalation pointed at Grue. “See, he looks nice!”
“I’m a hypocritical career criminal who beats people up for money and notoriety,” said Grue.
“He just wants to protect his sister!”
“I’m a violent loner who attacks and steals from anyone who looks at me,” said Bitch.
“She’s just misunderstood!”
“I… uh… yeah.” said Regent. Thankfully, Regent did not recount all of his crimes. If he did, this fanfiction would rapidly become not safe for work.
“He just has daddy issues!”
“I’m rude to everyone I meet. I was forced into villainy by Coil, but my only gripe with that is that I’m not my own boss.” said Tattletale.
“I’m in love with you.”
/-E-S-C-A-L-A-T-I-O-N-/
Legend’s voice held everyone’s attention.
“Thanks to Armsmaster, we were able to get an early warning. Leviathan will be here in a few minutes. I thank you all for coming, and I hope that today will be a good day…”
Legend rifled through his pockets.
“But you should all know your chances going in…”
He produced a D4.
“There’s a one in four chance that you won’t survive.”
He rolled the die. It landed on a one.
“Bugger.”
Legend collapsed on the spot.
What-
“Leviathan is here!” “Run!” “AAAAHHHH!”
The Queen of Escalation escalated up to a vantage point, where she could get a better view of what was going on. Leviathan’s giant waves drowned Brockton Bay in water.
Oh no! That was the boat graveyard! How could he!?
The Queen of Escalation’s quiet rage was interrupted by a mechanical voice from her armband.
Extra #1 down, CD-2. Extra #2 down, CD-1. Extra #3 deceased, CD-1.
Oh, thank god. It was no-one we cared about.
The Queen of Escalation summoned her escalators to escalate her way to the fight, so that she could escalate further.
Extra #4 deceased, CD-3. Unpopular Canon Character deceased, CD-3. Extra #5 deceased, CD-3.
Ah. I hope you didn’t care about… Unpopular Canon Character .
The Queen of Escalation began to hear the sounds of battle. She was getting closer!
Extra #6 down, CD-4. Extra #7 down, CD-4. Canon Character You Care About deceased, CD-4.
No! Canon Character who I care about! How could you do this!
It’s on now.
The Queen of Escalation arrived at the scene. A torrent of escalators fell down on top of Leviathan,who fled in fear of being out escalated. For shame, Leviathan.
Unfortunately for our protagonist, her power arbitrarily required her to pass out dramatically after using it in fast succession.
“What! Why?”
So we can get to the next section!
“Oh, okay.”
The Queen of Escalation fell over with a thud.
/-E-S-C-A-L-A-T-I-O-N-/
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
The repetitive beep of a heart monitor was all that the Queen of Escalation could hear. It was strange, seeing as she clearly only collapsed due to exhaustion, and wasn’t really in need of medical care.
As she came to, she noticed someone hunched over next to her hospital bed. On closer look…
“Hello?” she asked.
It was Panacea!
“Need me a sister-type girlfriend. You get me? A real relative.” Amelia ‘Problematic’ Dallon growled. She appeared unhinged - and if our protagonist had the power she was originally supposed to have, she would have noticed that Panacea had lice.
“Are you… okay?” The Queen of Escalation asked.
Upon hearing this, Amelia underwent a magical girl transformation. Her hair became impeccable, her robes washed and stylish. “Thank you so much!” Amy cried. “That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me in my entire life.”
The Queen of Escalation was too stunned to respond, which Amy took as a sign to continue.
“When I was 11, Carol stole all my clothes and replaced them with rags! When I asked my sister if I could kiss her, she called me weird! My life was awful! But now you show up, and… ask me if I’m ok! No one has ever been nice to me before. When I heal people at the hospital, they spit on me. All the doctors get angry and say I’m replacing them. Every time I come home Carol calls me a villain. Hey, can I join your hero team? I promise I can be helpful! We can even date! Are you gay? No? Don’t worry, I can change that! We can take over Brockton Bay. For good, of course. Wait, do you think Vicky will join us too, wouldn’t that be great! We could all be sisters! And Girlfriends! What do you think?”
Thankfully, for both the sanity of the characters and for the sanity of our readers, Amy’s depraved rant was interrupted when Armsmaster walked in.
“Hah! Look at you two villains, villaining together! How despicable - and villainous!” Armsmaster growled.
He strode into the room.
“And you!” Armsmaster pointed at the Narrator. “You didn’t even give me a chance to try and kill her during the Endbringer attack! How will I get my character development now?!”
Sorry, Armsmaster.
“Hmph.”
Armsmaster strode out of the room. Out of sight, after leaving, he retrieved a personality CD from his pockets, and stroked it longingly.
It was labeled ‘Defiant’.
/-E-S-C-A-L-A-T-I-O-N-/
“Well, hello there, Heroes…” Jack Slash sneered. “And assorted villains, I suppose. We’re here for her .”
Jack Slash pointed at the protagonist, who stood out in the Slaughterhouse Nine task force meeting room.
Now, earlier, if you remember, it was established that The Queen of Escalation has no qualms about killing people. This same fact held true for the purposes of the Slaughterhouse Nine.
Suddenly, Tattletale shouted. “By the way, the Siberian is a projection. It’s kinda obvious, actually.”
Miss Militia rolled her eyes. (Wait, isn’t she supposed to crinkle them? Whatever) “We already knew that. Everyone knows that.”
Jack Slash laughed. “Yeah, that’s like, five years old news.”
Humbled, Tattletale quieted down.
Then, each member of the Slaughterhouse Nine’s head exploded, with an escalator where it used to be.
“Wait, hold on!” You may cry. “Shouldn’t Jack Slash be immune - he doesn’t lose to parahumans!”
What you do not understand, foolish reader, is that the Queen of Escalation’s powers are not shard-based. They, in fact, originate from a witty pun about the meta-narrative surrounding the nature of the theme of escalation in Worm. So there.
As the bodies of the Slaughterhouse Nine crumpled to the floor, the Queen of Escalation found herself in a white void.
/-E-S-C-A-L-A-T-I-O-N-?-/
“So… What now?” The Queen of Escalation asked the narrator. “That’s the main villain out of the way, isn’t it? Where’s the story going now?”
Ah, we are not even close to done. There are many more villains for you to defeat, Protagonist.
For example: The remnants of the E88, Faultline’s Crew, Coil, The Travelers, The Ambassadors, Blasto, The Endbringers, The Gesellschaft, The Three Blasphemies, Cauldron, The Adepts, The Fallen, The Machine Army, The Merchants, The Dragonslayers, Nilbog, The Elite, The Teeth, Heartbreaker, Cauldron, The Sleeper, The Machine Army, Moord Nag, and Uber and Leet.
“We’re just going to go around… clearing that list?”
Any reason not to?
“Wouldn’t it get stale? Boring even? How can we even escalate any further - I’ve beaten an Endbringer, and all of the Slaughterhouse Nine! How do the stakes get higher from there?”
Hah! I’m glad you asked. You see… I did leave one villain off that list.
As the Narrator spoke, a golden glow began to emanate from the white void.
The most evil, vile villain in all of Worm.
“No… It can’t be!” The Queen of Escalation screamed, to no avail.
But it was.
“Take that, you worm!” Emma Barnes taunted.
“Woah, slow down there,” said The Queen of Escalation. “Emma? She’s the main villain?”
Well… Obviously.
“But she’s barely even evil! The first person I fought was Lung! A human trafficker and crime lord!”
Erm… You know, it’s like that thing people say about Dolores Umbridge? A more familiar villain seems more evil in comparison to fantastical villains?
“This is a pretty big disappointment.”
Fine! I give up. Here’s a Space Worm.
Scion descended from the sky, and engaged in an epic battle with the Queen of Escalation. Unfortunately, you will never get to read it, as this fanfiction is being placed on indefinite hiatus.
/-E-S-C-A-L-A-T-E-D-/