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Death to Ego

Darkness has fallen on the valley like a heavy blanket, plunging the narrow streets and alleys into darkness. The only light comes from the streetlamps periodically placed along the cracked sidewalk and spilling from the windows of the old homes lining the street. The only noise filling the otherwise quiet Monday night is from the busy chattering of college bars a few streets over and Naruto plucking a random melody on his acoustic guitar. Sitting on the front porch of his dumpy house with his roommate Kiba in Tanzaku, all of Naruto’s unspoken anxieties that he’s kept pushing to the back of his mind since graduation over a year ago are coming to light. 

“How are you going to support Sasuke and yourself as a songwriter in Konoha ?” Kiba asks, his breath fogging in the chilled air of the valley. 

“I mean, songwriting isn’t going to be my only job. I can do other stuff too,” Naruto tells his cheap beer, finger tracing the design on the pint glass stolen from one of the local breweries in Tanzaku. Kiba snorts at Naruto’s answer. 

“I’m sure Sasuke’s family is going to love that answer. For real, you’ve either got to take this songwriting thing seriously, or shift your focus to support your relationship.”

Insecurity creeps onto Naruto’s expressive face, “I mean… we can do both. We’ve been semi long-distance for the past year.” Kiba snorts and raises an eyebrow at his roommate.

“How long do you think Sasuke wants to be long-distance? And there’s no way in hell he’ll move to Oto, you know that.”

Familiar anxiety that Naruto is constantly battling to swallow down begins to boil in his stomach. “What do I do?” he asks, voice quiet, unsure. 

“I don’t know. But what I do know is that you would be an idiot to let this opportunity pass you by, that’s for sure,” Kiba says, pointing his already empty glass in Naruto’s direction. Naruto licks his lips, chapped from the frigid February weather. 

“You think? I mean, with the internet more people are getting discovered and taking different routes to success. I can try to do my own thing, ya know?” Blue eyes are glued to the rotting wooden boards beneath his sneakers. 

“Do I think? I think you’d be a fucking idiot to not at least try this opportunity,” Kiba says, standing with a sigh and a stretch. “What to do about Sasuke? That, I don’t know about.” Kiba moves into the warm house, leaving Naruto alone with his thoughts in the chilly night. Silence creeps down the street as Naruto’s fingers freeze on the recently changed guitar strings. Kiba is right, this is an insane opportunity. Surely Sasuke will understand, right?

The concept of bypassing established plans in Konoha and moving to Oto seems simultaneously exciting and terrifying. Now sufficiently out of college, Naruto has been really contemplating his next steps in life. His long-time boyfriend, Sasuke, moved back to their hometown of Konoha after graduation, and they have been working on moving Naruto back too. It finally feels like there is some direction in his otherwise directionless life. Sasuke feels so far ahead, having published a relatively successful poetry book and already working on two more books. Naruto, meanwhile, feels stuck playing endless gigs at bars to drunk teenagers in his old college town. Moving back to Konoha will be a nice change of pace.

Well, if he goes through with it. Just the other night, a scruffy-looking representative from a music publishing house in Oto, often called “Sound City” due to being a town known for music,  approached Naruto after one of his gigs, complimenting his honest, gritty lyrics and raspy, soulful voice, offering an opportunity for Naruto to songwrite as a job. There were even some implications that it could go from just songwriting to becoming an artist as well. At the very least, it was a flexible enough job for him to pursue being an artist as well. Naruto went home researching the representative and music publisher into the early morning, excited to find that it was not only legitimate, but home to many successful songwriters and emerging artists. 

The other day Naruto called the number on the sleek business card to learn more about the opportunity, fingers shaking, pacing across the squeaky floorboards in barely-contained excitement. Could this be his big break? It’s hard to deny the appeal of being paid to write songs. And the job pitch was pretty convincing. Opportunities to live and breathe music and get paid in the process? Connections to other songwriters, music producers, record labels, and the works? Sure, Naruto has built up a pretty solid local following, but this could be a big push in his music career. It almost feels too good to be true.

Of course, there is a catch. Naruto will have to move to Oto for this opportunity, something he never wanted to do. So many up-and-coming artists flock to Oto in search of fame and success, often to only lose themselves to the whims of their record labels and PR managers in the process. Oto has always had an air of soullessness to Naruto. Plus, it’s tough to imagine living anywhere without mountains and the culture that inspires so much of his music.

Unfortunately for Naruto, this offer has a deadline. He has to confirm or deny within the next two weeks. He hasn’t even brought it up to Sasuke. How can he? They have already signed a lease on an adorable home in Konoha’s historic downtown. And Sasuke, his moody lover, is so set in his ways. Their relationship is finally going well again after a bit of a rough period, bringing up this offer will no doubt cause problems. Naruto already knows how the conversation will most likely go. He’ll bring up the opportunity, but that it is unfortunately location-bound in Oto. Sasuke will shut down, get really quiet for several long minutes. Naruto will try to explain the implications of the opportunity more to fill the silence. Sasuke’s own insecurities about their relationship will no doubt be brought up, questioning Naruto’s loyalties. Again. Naruto will then backpedal to keep Sasuke happy, probably something like, ‘It’s just one opportunity, I don’t have to take it. I just wanted to bring it up to you…” Just imagining how this conversation is most likely going to play out is giving Naruto a headache. 

“Hey Sas! How was your day?” Naruto says into his phone while tackling a large pile of newly-cleaned laundry. 

“It was good, I was able to get a lot of writing done while at work today. The bookstore is always so slow in February,” Sasuke’s smooth voice filters through the phone speaker, calming Naruto instantly.

“That’s good! I am so excited to read what you’ve been writing. Want to read some to me over the phone?” Naruto asks, earning a laugh.

“No, you’ll have to read it when it’s finished. Or when you get to Konoha, whichever comes first,” Sasuke says, the mention of moving to Konoha reminding Naruto of why he called in the first place. 

“Oh yeah! I wanted to ask you something…” Naruto’s voice sounds uncertain, even to himself. 

“Okay?” 

“So hypothetically, if someone offered me a deal to move somewhere, not Konoha, in order to songwrite and make music, like, as a job, and I had less than a week to take up on this offer, how would you feel about it?” Naruto rushes out, clenching a stray sock with a substantial hole in the heel, trying to find its equally worn match in the large pile on his bed.

“Naruto…” Sasuke’s voice is colored in uncertainty through the grainy sound quality, “that is awfully specific for a hypothetical…”

“It’s hypothetical! What would you say?” Naruto holds his breath, minutes feeling impossibly long as he waits for Sasuke to respond. Naruto loves Sasuke with all his heart, but knows how stubborn he can be. It has actually been a sore spot in their relationship for a while now. Once Sasuke gets something in his head, it is pretty rough to suggest a change. 

Finally, Sasuke speaks, “Can’t you songwrite and work on your music career in Konoha?” 

“Well… yeah. But I will be getting paid to do it as, like, a job. Plus, there will be opportunities to meet people in the music business, and… stuff.”

“So it’s not hypothetical?” Sasuke sighs through the phone. “Naruto, we have plans. We have a house. You can still do all the things you are suggesting in Konoha, with me. Plus, you always go on about how you can enter the music industry in your own way, what happened to that?” 

Naruto’s heart is pounding, bile burning his throat as it threatens to rise. Naruto’s laundry pile sits mostly forgotten at this point. Sasuke’s tone gives it away-he doesn’t support Naruto in this particular endeavor. At least not yet. 

“Well, that was before I had this kind of opportunity come up. Maybe you can move with me! We can find a new house that we love. Or we can keep doing long distance for a little longer. I can support you, Sasuke. I can finally contribute to this relationship by doing something I love . Think of it as a new adventure!” Naruto forces his voice to be cheery, trying desperately to convince Sasuke and himself that this is a good idea. 

“What do you mean ‘ contribute’? You do contribute. What are you going on about? Do you not want to be with me?” Sasuke’s rapid-fire questions cut Naruto to the core. What?!

“What are you talking about?”

“You’re backing out, you want a way out of this relationship, is that it?”

“No, no! I legitimately have been offered a job as a songwriter! And… and I think I want to try. This could be it for me, Sasuke,” Naruto can hear the desperation in his own voice. He should have never brought this up, knowing Sasuke’s own insecurity would leak in somehow. 

“You’re always trying to wander away from me. Why do you not want to settle down with me, Naruto? It seems awfully convenient that this offer came up right before we are finally going to be together.” Anger tinges Sasuke’s usually soothing, deep tone. Tears begin welling in Naruto’s eyes, his hands shaking, clenching his sock even harder.

“That’s… that’s not it at all! I swear!” Naruto croaks, trying to not let his emotions completely take him over. “I want to be in Konoha, with you, but I don’t want this to pass me by. You’re already doing so well, and I’m just playing low-paying gigs at college bars. This could be my big break into the industry.” 

Sasuke sighs again, “I don’t know Naruto. I want us together. Here. That has always been our dream.”

“That still is my dream! My ultimate dream is to support you and love you. I have to find a way to do that with what few skills I’ve got! You are my dream, my future…” Naruto cries out, desperation clear. A long silence stretches between them. “Sas?”

“It just doesn’t seem like it anymore. I need time to think. Goodnight, Naruto.” Sasuke hangs up, leaving Naruto clutching a pair of tattered socks with tears in his eyes, feeling entirely misunderstood.

Everything is closing in on Naruto, he can’t help but feel terribly anxious and paranoid. Jiraiya, the music representative, keeps asking for an answer with the deadline swiftly approaching and little to no progress has been made with Sasuke. Naruto feels terribly lost. The weight of this decision absolutely eats at his insides. He currently finds sleep evading him. Days are closing in on him, he has to make a decision and soon. Jiraiya has been messaging and calling almost every other day. Sasuke’s worlds keep echoing in his head, messing with his ability to make a clear decision. Why can’t Sasuke support him? Why can’t the job be in Konoha? Or remote? Why is Oto seemingly the only option? 

A decision must be made though. So Naruto pauses his packing, taping up another box of old t-shirts and songwriting journals, to hesitantly pick up his phone, hand shaking to call Jiraiya and give him a final answer. It’s time to just make a decision. He has to do this, make a name and career for himself. Plus, when has Naruto ever been the kind to turn down an adventure? (At least that’s what he tells himself).  

Of course, after calling and making that decision Naruto is a total wreck, crying and shaking in the stark darkness of his now empty room. How in the hell do I tell Sasuke? Pacing around the empty room, different angles of approach bounce around Naruto’s head. Nothing is coming to mind. If the past few phone calls with Sasuke are any indication, this is not going to end well. 

Deciding to distract himself, Naruto finishes up the last of his packing, carefully placing his acoustic guitar in its hard case, covered with stickers from Konoha, Tanzaku, and the different mountain towns he grew up visiting. Tucked in the top of the case is a picture Naruto took on his film camera of Sasuke and himself together, leaning into one another sitting in the trunk of Naruto’s car, wrapped in a blanket. Naruto remembers the day it was taken. They had gone hiking with friends to a swimming hole just outside of Konoha. The mountain steam was freezing, despite it being a hot summer day. His finger traces the sharp edge of the photo, taking a moment to try and clear his mind, strengthening his resolve. He can do this, for his future, and his shared future with Sasuke. 

All of his belongings are packed and stuffed into his old 4runner, ready to move, but to where Naruto is horribly unsure. He constantly feels on edge, ready to pull his hair out. The push and pull of sacrificing his relationship for a career, or his career for a relationship. A choice he never thought he would have to make. The last day to confirm the job offer has arrived, and Naruto decides to begin heading west and see how he feels when he hits Konoha. 

The interstate snakes through the mountains, providing gorgeous views of the ancient ridges, eroded to a rolling sea from millions of years of exposure to the elements. It’s oddly calming, knowing that the mountains have lived through so much worse than Naruto’s current crisis, and will most likely continue to live on long after his decision. Driving back to Konoha has always been incredibly calming, getting lost in the mist and thick, deciduous forests. 

His heart is yearning, desperate for some clarity. There is always one spot in particular that brings him peace, the overlook on Hokage Mountain. But after his earlier phone call with Jiraiya, Naruto doesn’t feel as though he has the time to drive up the pass to give Konoha a flimsy goodbye it doesn’t deserve. He still feels so unsure, but a decision had to be made one way or another. The road ahead is clear, Konoha’s exit is approaching, and after putting it off for as long as possible, it finally seems as good of a time as any to call Sasuke, just to determine if he is making the right decision.

Of course, the second Sasuke’s voice streams through the phone he falls apart. Tears and desperation muddying up the conversation Naruto has planned in his head. It’s almost impossible to try and clearly communicate his fears, his anxieties, and most importantly his decision to Sasuke through the violent sobs wracking his body. He needs to pull over, driving in this condition through mountain roads is so incredibly unsafe. But he can’t stop. He can’t. If he stops, he won’t keep driving to Oto. It’s already enough of a struggle to not instinctually pull off at Konoha’s exit as it comes into view. 

“Sasuke…” Naruto chokes out, “I love you, but I have to go. This… this could be it for me. I… I don’t want to fail you. Not now. Not ever. Please understand.” His sobs somehow become even more violent. “I have tried so hard to explain, but I can’t come back to Konoha… not like this. Not with nothing to offer…”

“Naruto, what are you talking about? Where are you? Are you almost to Konoha?” Sasuke’s frantic voice cuts in and out, the reception in the mountains being spotty at best. “Naruto, I… I know I haven’t been the most understanding these past two weeks, but I want to work this out with you. I’m ready to listen. I’m so sorry for getting frustrated. Please come home safe. I have been stupid, come home…”

Wet tears continue to flow, Naruto unable to wipe them away with both hands tightly gripping the steering wheel as he drives the curvy stretch of road. “Sas, I’m going… I lo…” the sound of the call ending fills the car. Signal lost. It only makes Naruto cry harder as he presses on into the night. Making this choice hurts, but he can do this. For them, for their future…right? 

Oto is very different from Konoha and Tanzaku. Everyone in this town is trying to make it big. It has only been a few weeks, and Naruto feels like a very small fish in a very large ocean. Everyone he meets, the barista at the local coffee shop, the cashier at the grocery store, his landlord, is trying to catch their big break into the music industry. 

Living in such a big city has also been a big adjustment. Tanzaku was a good size, but nothing like Oto.  His shitty apartment is only a few streets away from “The Strip,” a famous street lined with neon bars, “whoo-ing” tourists (especially bachelorette parties) and endless music. The whole city smells of warm trash and alcohol at ground level, leaving Naruto regularly yearning for the fresh mountain air of his home. Oto is dirty and busy and filled with people drinking all the time. The live music from the bars can be heard at all hours through the thin walls of his dilapidated, but cheap, apartment. He can also hear his next door neighbors having sex every morning and his upstairs neighbor vacuuming at 2am every night. It’s dirty, there’s mold, the rough brown carpet is spongy, and there is very limited hot water. 

His apartment leaves a lot to be desired. It has nothing on the cozy craftsman home he was set to lease with Sasuke. Although, Naruto tries his best to not think about it. Every time the sunroom, large front porch, and his lost lover enter his mind he ends up in a spiral. Sometimes waking up on the cheap laminate tile of his kitchen floor with a mostly empty bottle of tequila and throw-up in the sink. 

Life without Sasuke has been an adjustment. While they lived an hour away before, they were still together. Still actively part of each other’s lives. Now, there is an emptiness that regularly creeps into Naruto’s chest. Several times, Naruto has tried to call Sasuke, or answer his calls, only for deep-rooted insecurity to rear its ugly head and put him in an instant tail-spin, hyperventilating in his tiny bedroom closet with tears soaking the rough, poo-brown carpet. 

The shame is a weight Naruto constantly carries on his shoulders. Those two weeks Naruto spent constantly debating his future course were a lot on him, and he had foolishly hoped that making a cut-and-dry decision would leave him feeling relief, only to find that his regrets are closing in on him like an ever-tightening noose around his neck. 

Time seems to speed by. Weeks have passed on, Naruto continuing to struggle with the inability to call Sasuke back. The best coping mechanism Naruto can think of is to stay busy. He works on songwriting at the publisher all day, often collaborating with other employed songwriters he gets along with well enough, and picking up gigs at local bars. Well, picking up gigs anywhere that will let him play during the night. It’s exhausting, but Naruto doesn’t have time to focus on his feelings if he’s tired, running on only several hours of sleep each night.

As for the work, it’s not totally unfulfilling. But it was made clear pretty quickly that Naruto is hired to write songs that will be commercially successful, whether they truly reflect his perspective and heart is beside the point. Plus, being creative day in and day out is really tough! No wonder so many of the people he works with are borderline addicts. “Anything to get the creative juices flowing,” one coworker said at the coffee maker one morning. 

It’s also been difficult to make many friends right away. Naruto usually has not struggled in the past, being pretty outgoing. Sadly, most of the relationships he has encountered thus far come across as very transactional. Naruto has little to offer in the way of advancing most of his peers' careers other than songwriting together, which they already have to do for work. In his mind, Naruto justifies the loneliness by picking up more gigs. He’s too busy to hang out with people anyway, he’s got a career to cultivate. 

Of course, being so busy, he hasn’t actually written a personal song in the past few weeks, relying on his catalog of songs written before the move. Unfortunately, many of his originals aren’t terribly popular with the party crowd of the bars on The Strip. After being cut off mid-song for the twenty-seventh time (he has been keeping count, despite how it depresses him) to ask if he knows Chattahoochee, which of course he does that’s just not what he wants to play, Naruto decided to change his entire setlist to include more popular covers and his more upbeat songs. 

Naruto is making sure to schedule no time to regret. No time to rest. No time to reflect. No time to feel the hurt that is gnawing at his insides. This. Has. To. Work. There’s no fucking way he can return to Konoha and try to win back his lost lover until he can truly provide, bring something to the table, not be a failure. Especially now. Especially with how things ended. 

And on those few nights when Naruto doesn’t have a performance, or a songwriter’s round, or anything under the sun to distract him, he has cheap alcohol to pour into the large hole in his heart. It’s hard to not notice how the alcohol seems to erode away at his heart, making the cracks bigger instead of filling them most nights, but it does somewhat numb the anxiety and pain. A wicked hangover is so much better than the sharp pain of his mistakes and the loss they have caused. 

Naruto looks around the smoky room, taking in the eclectic groups of people gathered in small circles sipping cheap box wine and holding acoustic guitars in their laps. When the offer to move to Oto was presented to Naruto several months ago, this wasn’t how he pictured his career in songwriting looking. Surrounded by borderline alcoholics, not that Naruto’s fairing much better in this regard lately. Some of these people have some hits under their belts, Naruto recognizes some of the names from the writing credits on popular songs that play on the radio. They aren’t the kinds of songs Naruto is interested in writing. 

Afraid of acting pretentious, Naruto goes along with the unsolicited advice offered up by many of the trend-chasing songwriters that are employed by his same music publisher. With every one of these songwriters’ “parties” Naruto feels his soul leave his body little by little. Everyone is so pretentious, even those who have yet to write anything of substance or find much success. It’s moments like these that he wishes Sasuke was here. His dry wit and sarcastic insults would make these events ten times more bearable. 

Don’t even get Naruto started on those who solely managed to get work in this industry through nepotism alone, and there are a lot of them. While some are hard working, it’s frustrating to know that many of the songs he is writing are being pitched to singers who may not be as talented, but have the right connections and monetary support to make it big. Growing annoyance with his workplace is hidden with a smile and friendly laugh. At this point he laughs at everything. He’s fucking sick of hearing his own laugh.  

Looking down into his own full mason jar of box red wine, Naruto can’t help but briefly reflect on how everything is going so, so wrong in his life. This is not how things were supposed to go. He is so tired of drinking almost every night, but at this point can’t stop. It’s the only way to really get through endless nights of endless gigs and endless songwriting socials with people he can barely stand. Plus, he’s more friendly, easygoing, fun when he’s drunk. At least, that’s what his colleagues say. 

Everything in this stupid, gentrified, house turned coffee/bar/meeting space is black and white with cheap ‘rustic touches.’ It’s obvious the old home was once full of individualism and charm, belonging to a family with a story and maybe a dog. The Home Goods-esque decor straight off of HGTV has stripped it of any character it once had. The starkness of the trendy black and white color scheme does seem symbolic (there’s a song waiting to be written in there somewhere). Long gone are the rich blues, green, reds and golds of the mountains. Naruto’s so tired of wasting away in trendy hotspots with people who like the idea of fame more than the actual music they are supposed to be writing. He downs his stupid mason jar. Mason jars are for his mother’s tomato jam not wine. Finishing off the cheap drink, alcohol burning the whole journey down his throat and at that moment Naruto realizes he hates wine. 

More and more, thoughts of “ Why am I even here?” keep swirling around his mind. It’s challenging to keep these thoughts away as a guy in a flat-billed hat sitting across from him sings a song describing pretty girls, driving around in a pickup truck, and drinking beer. He croons overused samples from popular 90’s country jams that have been integrated into the modern pop-country party jam. It’s such an eyeroll, the lyrics are shallow and cliche. It isn’t deep. It isn’t honest. It doesn’t have any sense of place. It tells no story. It has no true soul. It’s plastic. Yet, this song is just generic enough that Naruto will probably hear it on the radio in a couple of months being sung by the next up-and-coming guy being pushed by the label, only to be forgotten when someone newer, with more connections and better looks, blows into town.

Only several months into this gig and Naruto is already fucking sick of rubbing elbows with disingenuous shit poets and winos. There’s nothing wrong with a feel-good song, but Naruto feels so far from good.  Nothing about his work has been inspiring since moving to Oto.  

Not everyone is insufferable, just most of the people at these kinds of things are. Sure, everyone here is working as a songwriter, but most are wanting to ‘move up’ in the world and become a star. Constantly being around people suffering from a bad case of ‘main character syndrome’ and even bigger personalities than his own is suffocating. It has Naruto reflecting on his own self-worth. Has he been this insufferable all of his life? Always putting his own needs and wants first, hiding his own narcissism under a thin disguise of wanting to improve for those he loves? These personal reflections leave him feeling very immature and unsure of who he is really working to become. 

A particularly loud group laughing at a set of couches to his right reminds Naruto that he misses home so goddamn much. Above all, he really misses Sasuke. The songs he wrote, and often got Sasuke’s input on, were ten times better than anything Naruto has been putting out recently. There were times where they would just hole up together in one of their rooms, or on Naruto’s front porch, or Sasuke’s roof, and just silently work on their own projects-Sasuke on his writing, Naruto on his songwriting. The only sounds would come from birds chirping to one another, fluttering between the trees, and Naruto picking out a melody on his guitar. 

Sitting in peaceful silence with Sasuke was so much more inspiring than being surrounded by the hustle and bustle of an over-crowded songwriter’s round. Despite being a small mountain town, there was so much life and inspiration at every corner. Naruto’s life feels so full of wild and engaging stories from white water rafting mishaps to simply laughing around a small table with mismatched chairs eating cactus chili with his friends, all the while holding Sasuke’s hand. He never realized how interesting and lively his life was back home until he left. 

Despite hating where he is, he can’t go back, not now. The decision has been made and now he has to live with it. It’s been four months. He still can’t bring himself to call Sasuke. Everytime he tries his whole body shuts down, he goes into a sad spiral, filled with shame as a tsunami of anxiety overtakes his entire being. 

It’s so sad how much he misses Sasuke. Naruto sleeps in a ‘Smoky Mountains National Park’ shirt of Sasuke’s every night, soft and worn from years of use. It’s actually amazing. No matter how drunk, stoned, or sad he is, Naruto always manages to get into that shirt before passing out in his bed. Or the scratchy carpet next to his bed. If he had the time, energy, or emotional capacity, he would probably write a song about it. 

The room is truly spinning in his peripheral vision, but Naruto just continues to stare into his own shocking blue eyes, hardly blinking. His mom would be so disappointed if she saw him, her rage at his behavior would radiate throughout the entire dumpy apartment. His dad would sadly shake his head while trying to hold back his mom trying to beat some sense into him. And Sasuke. God Sasuke. Naruto’s sad heart calls out for his lover every night. But Sasuke is gone, and can never know, can never see Naruto like this. He can absolutely not go back to Konoha until he has his life together. At least, more together than this. 

Sweaty hands grasp at the hard, marble-printed plastic of his sink. Sickness threatens to rise up his throat, an uncomfortable, but familiar combination of acid and bile. Naruto is burning in an entirely destructive way, like a raging forest fire destroying everything in its path. These days, he hardly recognizes himself. He looks skinnier, tired, and features gaunt. Is this even him? 

Tears threaten to spill, not for the first time tonight. All of the stupid lies he tells himself, all of the cheap-talk from everyone he encounters on a daily basis. It’s all dragging him down to the depths of despair. Naruto feels full of shit. Like such a fake. He needs someone to save him from himself, but no one is coming. He feels like no one cares anymore. And it’s all his fault. 

“Naruto, I want to check in with you. I know you have been insanely busy, but I haven’t heard of you putting out any new original music. It’s not part of your job, but I thought you wanted to still pursue your own career alongside this one,” Jiriaya says from behind his fancy desk his flip-flop covered feet are currently resting on. “I like you Naruto, I liked the songs you played when I found you in Tanzaku. It’s easy to get caught up in this town, especially for a young guy from some holler like you. So, are you writing anything new?”

Naruto shifts uncomfortably in the creaky wicker chair of his superior’s office, looking like something that should be in a rental condo at the beach, not in a successful music publisher’s office. “I write new stuff all the time…”

Jiriaya gives him a hard look. It reminds him of his mother back in Konoha, she is always able to get him to open up with just a look. “Not for the publisher, for you , Naruto. What have you written for you?”

“Um… honestly, I’ve been a little too busy to really sit down and write anything like my older stuff. Plus,” Naruto sighs and looks out the window of the historic-home-turned-office to the always gray streets of Oto. Are they always gray? Maybe they always just look gray to him. 

His head feels like it’s spinning. Maybe it’s a hangover. Then again, it’s tough to get a hangover when Naruto drinks more before it can set in. “When I did try playing my stuff here, it wasn’t all that well received.” Admitting it out loud causes Naruto’s shoulders to physically slump in defeat. Sure, he knew it, those thoughts lingering in the back of his mind, but saying it out loud makes it feel so much more real than he really wants it to be. 

Surprisingly, Jiriaya just laughs. “Naruto, the general public looks at music like how they look at their car. It is a tool to fill the silence, nothing more, nothing less like how a car to most people is a way to get from point A to point B. Most of the shit we put out here is the Nissan Altima of music. It serves its purpose and the general public is fine with it, but they don’t love it. It’s inoffensive. It’s fine . There is no passion for a Nissan Altima. Sure, making Nissan Altimas pays the bills, but designing a car that is niche, different, sporty, expressive… that’s good for the soul. Not everyone will like it, but those who do will love it. And they will love it with more passion and vigor than anyone on Earth. Don’t just pay the bills Naruto, life is too short to forever put out Nissan Altimas.”

Naruto feels completely taken aback. Where is this coming from? “I’m sorry, why… Why are you telling me this?”

Jiriaya just smiles to himself, “It’s like I said, I like you Naruto. When I saw you perform in Tanzaku, your songs moved me. They transported me, I felt what you felt, I loved what you loved, I hurt when you hurt, you took me on a metaphysical journey through the mountains of your home. I think others will really like your music too, but you have to make it. We’ve got enough Nissan Altimas in Oto. Tell me about Konoha, take me there with your music.”

This is all so sudden, but it also makes that guilt that forever simmers under the surface heat up to a rolling boil. He left everything behind, not realizing all of those things are what made him who he is. The songs about home, about Sasuke, are his favorite. The songs describing their quiet moments together cuddling up by a firepit on a crisp fall evening, their funny ones-like the time Sasuke’s dad took them fishing, and Naruto fell into the creek, and then was never invited to go fishing again. Songs that chronicle their story together. Their dream, for Naruto to carve his own path with his music. These feelings spur the beginnings of another internal decline of feelings that Naruto has desperately tried to push down. 

“What do I do…?” his voice says before he’s even realized it. Jiriaya smiles again, writing on a notepad in front of him. 

“I’m glad you asked Naruto. I have a producer that I met recently, he’s up and coming, incredibly talented, and focuses on that modern, funky, blue-grassy, folksy stuff you do. Reach out to him, here’s his number. There’s good people in this town and in this business, but they are few and far between…” The older man tears off the note and holds it out. Naruto reaches up to grasp it with clammy hands. “He’s not super friendly at first, but he’s a good kid.” 

Naruto sits at the spindly excuse for a dining table in his hot apartment, the weak A/C struggling to produce any cold air in the hot, humid summer despite its constant, loud whine. Of course, the landlord refuses to fix it. 

The note from Jiriaya is in one hand, a glass of diluted tequila in the other, wet to the touch from condensation. He sips at the liquor, already feeling that warm buzz moving through his veins, calming him. The alcohol, specifically his growing dependence on it, it’s getting bad… he knows. This isn’t the kind of serenity he wants to feel, it’s a cheap replacement for the love and passion for life that used to course through his body. It’s a distraction. The more Naruto drinks, the less he thinks about Sasuke. 

Staring at the note, though, he can’t help but wonder if maybe he should think about Sasuke. Maybe he should reflect on his failures, let the sadness seep in. It’s been pushed to the far corners of his mind, all while he busies himself chasing a dream through methods he never wanted to follow. This whole time he’s been going at this alone, pushing and pushing, including pushing away the life, and people, he loved. Maybe he needs to take some time for deeper reflection on his current path. His ego hasn’t let him for months, but Naruto is getting pretty sick of his big ego. 

Settling into the threadbare chair in a secluded corner of the public library, Naruto pulls out his notepad and laptop to prepare for his meeting with Gaara, the producer Jiraiya recommended. It’s uncomfortable, the silence. Especially compared to the past few months of constant sirens, yelling, and bar music. It’s strange to think how comfortable Naruto used to be in the silence when he would cuddle up with Sasuke on rainy days, or sit with his feet dangling off the edge of the overlook, the quiet buzz of cicadas and chirping birds acting as the soundtrack to the mountains. 

After several long moments of silence, an especially grumpy looking redhead approaches the nook Naruto is nestled in. “Gaara. Naruto, right?” the redhead says, plopping down in a chair across from him, light green eyes analyzing, making Naruto feel a little uncomfortable. 

Forcing a practiced smile on his face, Naruto responds, “Hey, yeah, I’m Naruto Uzumaki. Jiriaya gave me your contact information…”

“Yeah, I know. He told me you’d be reaching out,” Gaara cuts Naruto off. They sit in silence, the redhead clearly scrutinizing Naruto behind the glare. 

“So, uh…” Naruto starts nervously, feeling the weight of Gaara’s stare, “I’ve never met in the public library before. Do you come here often?” He’s grasping at straws.

“I don’t like paying for overpriced, shit coffee. I don’t like feeling pressured to buy an overpriced, shit coffee. The public library has never once made me buy a coffee, so that is why we are here. Location wise, that is…” Gaara leans back in his tattered seat, arms crossing across his chest. Another long moment of awkward silence passes between them. Gaara scrunches his nose,

“You need to stop drinking.”

Woah… What? Naruto chuckles nervously, “Excuse me… what?” 

“You heard what I said, Naruto. You need to stop drinking. I can smell it. I refuse to work with you, no matter how talented Jiriaya claims you are, if you are going to be self-destructive. There’s enough of that in this industry, I don’t need to come to you if I am looking for a talented person with an alcohol problem. I don’t have the time to hold your hair back as you puke into a dumpster every night. I will not be recording with you if you are hung over and being an absolute menace, which you will be. I am a producer, not a babysitter, not your mom, not AA.” 

Naruto stands from his seat shocked, mouth hanging open but no words coming out.

“You’ve got pain, right? That’s why, huh?” Gaara asks, the softness in his voice catching a sarcastic edge, eyes carefully observing. “Well, we’ve all got pain. The difference between you and everyone else is you can turn that pain into something beautiful. Or, you can drown in it. Call me when you’re sober and ready to make something that’s actually interesting.” 

This almost seems like a sick joke, but Gaara’s annoyed expression never falters. Naruto bites at his chapped bottom lip in frustration, nails digging into his palms sharply. What am I going to do? Just the other night, Naruto was begging the universe for someone to save him, is it… actually answering his call? 

It’s hard to jump at a possibility. It’s impulsively jumping at an opportunity that seemed promising that got him into this mess in the first place. On the other hand, Naruto needs to face his problems head on. He needs to go to Konoha and write. Needs a change of scenery to inspire him. The chance of seeing Sasuke again scares him though, what would he do? What would he say? Should that prevent him from making a change? No. It shouldn’t. If anything, it should motivate him.

“I’m… I’m going to go to Konoha,” the words escape him, voice tired and raspy. “And I want you to come with me.” Anger rises in his tone. Deep, all-consuming anger. Not directed at Gaara, or Jiraiya, or his co-workers, or the uninspired songs they write… or Sasuke… but anger at himself. Flames lick at his stomach, clenched fists beginning to shake. He feels on fire, but for once they are not flames of self-destruction, but flames of the anger necessary to get his life back on track. Blue eyes meet Gaara’s. “I’m going to start over, and I’m going to create the best goddamn music of my life.” 

A small smile plays at Gaara’s lips, “Don’t drink for two weeks and then call me.”

Turns out not drinking for two weeks is a lot harder than it looks. It’s already been three weeks and Naruto has yet to go without alcohol for four days at the most. It’s incredibly frustrating and above all embarrassing. He took this job to get control over his life and now he can’t seem to control the urges or headaches or irritability or twitch in his fingers. 

The feelings of sobriety are a lot, too. It’s actually nice, after a few days his mind feels so much clearer, sharper. But with that clarity also comes the lows of being forced to confront the nasty monster of negative emotions that has been steadily growing stronger since the day Naruto blew past the Konoha exit sign. And it’s usually his own weakness against himself that causes Naruto to pour just one drink. Then two. Three won’t hurt. Half the bottle’s gone? Try again tomorrow. 

At the moment, Naruto is currently having a pissing match with the bottle of Corazon sitting on his rickety table, mocking him. If looks could kill the bottle would be dead on the floor. Or maybe Naruto would be, he isn’t really sure. After weeks of trying to quit, Naruto keeps finding himself at this same table in his shitty apartment with the same sad bottles of tequila. 

He yearns for the days when he was just a social drinker. Admittedly, that’s what he still thought he was until Gaara revealed he could smell it on him at 9am in a public library. Yikes. The memory, the disappointment, it makes him physically cringe at himself.

Something’s gotta give, and Naruto is sick of that something being himself. Impulsive urges take over again and cupboards are being thrown open, hidden stashes in his closet and behind the washing machine rummaged through, collecting every last drop of alcohol in his apartment and dumping it down the weak plumbing of his stained kitchen sink. 

While he’s at it, might as well get rid of everything contributing to the problem. Picking up his dilapidated table, Naruto chucks it out of his front door, followed by two spindly chairs. One of them practically shatters on impact. It’s fine, they were free off the side of the road anyway. He hauls the set to the rusty dumpster on the side of his apartment building. Just to really send it home, he takes out a lighter and, while lit, throws it onto the destroyed wooden dining set. Hurrying back into his apartment, he grabs empty bottles, throwing them into the blaze watching the glass melt along with what’s left of his fears and that big, ugly ego that keeps inhibiting any actual progress. The blaze warms the front of his body. It feels amazing. The problem is finally up in flames. Tears begin to flood his eyes, a sense of relief washing over him. He’s not anywhere close to getting his life, his Sasuke, back, but he feels at least one step closer. The flames continue to lick at the sides of the dumpster, lighting up the warm September night. Of course, the blissful feeling of breakthrough doesn’t last long when Naruto realizes that he has set an actual fire, not a metaphorical one this time.

Oh fucking shit… this is arson!

Naruto’s ears pop as his little 4runner gains altitude on the interstate, the hills around the road getting more extreme the further east he drives. It has been a while, several months, since he has been back to his hometown. There’s an uncomfortable ache in his stomach, an almost claustrophobic feeling as the mountains close in on him. The reds and golds paint the steep embankments with the colors of fall. Despite the painful twist in his gut, Naruto continues driving deeper into the forests he used to call home. The car  is packed with everything Naruto owns, everything that occupied his sad excuse of an apartment. Gaara’s car follows behind, loaded with instruments and recording equipment. 

Eyes close for a brief moment, a deep sigh emptying his lungs. Only the sound of road noise fills the small space, as Naruto can’t settle on any specific music for the drive. More and more he finds himself just existing in the silence. Most of his life to this point has been filled with noise—music, laughter, chatting—but now the silence is all that’s left. 

It’s good though, it allows him to think and feel the uncomfortable emotions that have been suppressed for so long. That feeling of failure. Of insecurity. Snide remarks to himself only tanking his fragile self-esteem further. Frustrations at his impulsiveness and constant string of bad decisions he seems to keep making. The guilt that eats at his insides almost constantly. The wistfulness for happier times, times when he didn’t feel so alone. 

Again, it’s good. It’s good because feeling is supposed to be a part of what he does as a songwriter. Gaara is right. Naruto has the power to take that pain, insecurity, anger, and turn it into art.

This is exactly what he plans to do. The past few weeks of not drinking have been hard, but Naruto decided to take a break from playing in bars or going to boozy songwriters rounds, opting to go write at the local park several blocks from his apartment, loiter in expensive coffee shops for far too long, and hang out at the public library. As long as he’s out of the house and out of the bar, he can force himself to push through the irritability and headaches. Despite how difficult it truly was at times, he feels so much better and has seven new songs to work with. 

Naruto tries to not let the anxiety of potentially running into Sasuke consume him, knowing they will find each other when the time is right (one of his newly written songs speaks on this). This weekend is for holing up in his father’s shop and recording some music that will hopefully cleanse his soul of all the filth it’s been filled with.

The sight of the little cabin, that could more reasonably be described as a log shack nestled in a small holler, that Naruto grew up in fills him with a familiar warmth. The small creek that runs by his dad’s shop babbles softly and the smell of fresh cedar filters in through the open window of the 4runner. A small smile grows on his face at the sight of his mother standing barefoot on the large front porch waving at the small caravan. Her long red hair flutters in the light breeze filtering through the trees, causing a loud rustle of dead leaves and the colorful wind chimes hanging on the porch to lightly jingle. Gravel crunches under the tires as he carefully navigates the twisty, narrow driveway, loose change jingling in his center console with each bump in the unpaved road. Finally pulling into a stop, Naruto flings the door open and practically runs to his mother’s arms. If she knew all the details of his continued poor decisions she would probably beat his butt and reprimand him along the lines of, ‘I raised you better.’ But she doesn’t know so instead she pulls him into a massive bear hug. She smells of chicken pot pie and wildflowers and it’s incredibly comforting. The warm sun filters through the large trees surrounding the house, warming the still-humid air. 

“I’ve missed you, Mama,” Naruto mumbles into where he has leaned down and tucked his face into her shoulder. 

“You little shit…” Her melodic laugh lilts through the small valley. “Why haven’t you called much? Or visited? You do remember this is your home, right?” 

Tears threaten to spill over as Naruto holds tightly to his mother, suddenly feeling so young and immature. “Where’s dad at?” he barely chokes out. 

“Went out foraging, it’s his new thing. He picked up some book from that bookstore Kakashi runs downtown and every evening he’s been coming back with some grass or mushroom he expects me to eat,” his mom says, pulling back from the hug with an eye roll. “He has found a nice wild ginseng patch though, so if you would like some fresh tea I could brew you some I recently dried.”

A throat clearing behind them reminds Naruto that they aren’t alone during this family reunion. Briefly wiping at the tears welling up in his sky blue eyes, Naruto turns to face their guest.

“Mama, this is Gaara. He’s going to help me make some music. He’s a really talented producer, the next Dave Cobb, or maybe Sturgill, for sure,” Naruto says, shooting a smile to his new friend who is awkwardly standing next to his own vehicle. Gaara awkwardly waves and begins to move towards the eclectic cabin. 

“Hey Gaara, I’m Kushina. I’m really excited for you to work with Naru. He hasn’t sent me any original material in months, kinda has me worried…” She gives Naruto a pointed look that he slightly shies away from. 

“Sorry, I’ve been busy…” Naruto looks away, scratching at the back of his hair bashfully. 

“Anyway,” his mom turns her attention to Gaara, “Let’s get y’all unloaded and settled. Gaara, do you have any equipment I can help carry to the shop?” Naruto watches his mom move over to Gaara’s car to help unload recording equipment. Closing his eyes, he takes in the sounds of the birds, the creek, the windchimes-breathes in the fresh cedar from the firewood stacked neatly on the side of the house. He doesn’t feel worthy of being here, but it’s also really nice to be home. 

“So Gaara, as a producer you must be somewhat musical yourself. Do you play anything?” Minato asks from his soft, plaid recliner in the corner of the living room. A small fire flickers in the old cabin’s fireplace, warming the space as the nightly chill falls down into the valley from the sun disappearing behind the crest of the mountains. 

“Mostly guitar, piano, and bass guitar,” Gaara answers, sipping on one of Kushina’s homemade herbal tea blends. 

“Naruto mentioned earlier that he thinks you’re like the next Dave Cobb or Sturgill Simpson, that’s a pretty big compliment,” Minato comments. 

Gaara smiles softly into his tea, “As a producer, they are inspirations of mine. I like making interesting music that speaks to the soul. Maybe it’s a little weird, maybe a little cosmic, I’ve been told it’s an acquired taste, but what really good music isn’t?” Everyone nods in contemplation at that answer. Naruto sips his tea from where he is curled up on the faux-suede, sunken couch, observing how at peace he feels, despite his initial anxiety of coming home. 

“Would you like to play some?” Kushina asks. Naruto raises an eyebrow, blue eyes looking at his mom in light-hearted inquiry. 

“When’s the last time you played?” he laughs out, earning a look that could kill. 

“When’s the last time you played?” Kushina snarks back. Naruto rolls his eyes.

“Like, yesterday.”

“Alright big shot, I’ll be back,” Kushina turns to go down the dark hallway to a back spare bedroom. Minato sighs and stands from his chair. 

“Well, she’s got the bit in her teeth now. Get your guitars,” he says with a small smile, heading down the hallway too. 

Gaara shoots Naruto a concerned look that he waves off. “Don’t worry it’ll be fun. Who do you think I got all this talent from?” 

“Your mother, of course,” Minato responds, appearing with a mandolin, Kushina behind him with her fiddle. 

Naruto and Gaara grab their guitars, the group deciding on “I Don’t Mind,” since Sturgill Simpson has been a topic of conversation. Naruto can’t help but be filled with a scorching happiness as his family plays music all together again. It takes him back to his childhood, when his father would spend Saturday mornings teaching Naruto different scales and complex chord forms on the guitar. His family would play together almost every evening when he was younger, both of his parents having such a love and passion for music that he luckily inherited. An uncontrollable smile creeps on his face as he sings. It’s nice to play music just for the hell of it. Just to play. And be with others. God, this is why he loves music, isn’t it? 

“There's a lonely feeling that I carry

That will follow me all my days

I walked out on the heart you were nursing

Turned my back on a love you saved

Well, just when my clouds were drifting

My plan got rearranged

But there ain't no going back now

And ain't no way that I can change”

His raspy voice sings out into the living room, everyone else harmonizing along. This. This is the kind of music he wants to make. Music that speaks to his soul. The soul that longs for his family playing music together in the living room. His soul feels cleansed, free from all of the mistakes of these past few months. 

Of course, his mind goes to Sasuke, not that the lyrics of this particular song help with that. His beautiful former lover, who’s eyes could rival the darkest nights, rare smiles brighter than the midday sun, thoughts and emotions more mysterious than the bumps outside his window at night. 

Naruto begins feeling so incredibly overwhelmed, the lyrics speaking more and more to his current state of mind. Despite months of not wanting to even think about Sasuke, all of the bottled up emotions seem to be coming out in this living room rendition of a song crooning of heartbreak and longing for love. Pretty accurate. As they approach the chorus, Naruto sings to the heavens, hoping that maybe Sasuke can hear him, hear the desperation in his voice, pleading for any chance for love again.

“I'm alone in a way that I've never been

Since you left me behind

If you think you can ever love me again

Please go ahead, I don't mind”

The time spent in Konoha is not long, just a mere five days. Naruto is proud of this trip though, it feels like a return to form. He spent most of the visit in his dad’s shop recording music with Gaara, his parents actually playing some instrumental parts and light harmonies on some of the songs. The EP feels raw, honest. They recorded a total of nine songs, but plan to narrow it down to four or five once they return to Oto and Gaara has time to master the tracks. 

A large weight feels as though it has been lifted from Naruto’s shoulders. There is still a sharp stab of longing for Sasuke in his heart, but putting his emotions out into the world through his music is giving him a new look on life. Despite his perceived massive failure as a commercial songwriter—a job he is about to return to for how long he is unsure—Naruto feels encouraged to start fresh, find his own success, and get Sasuke back. Finally, he feels like he is in the right headspace to even consider Sasuke again and it’s nice. Sure, there is a great pain there, but there is so much love too.

“Hey Gaara!” Naruto calls as they load up their cars for the journey back west. 

Gaara looks up with a “Hm?”

“I have somewhere I want to detour before we leave. Up for a mountain drive real quick?” Naruto looks over to him, a hand up to block the hazy morning sun. Gaara just shrugs.

“Sure, but you’re driving. These roads make me nervous.” 

The narrow road hugs the side of the mountain, following its twists and contours as the 4runner gains altitude climbing Hokage Mountain. Gaara’s eyes occasionally look over the edge of the road, into the plunging valley below, before snapping them back to the road ahead. Pale hands subtly grasp the seatbelt.

“Are… are we almost to the top?” Gaara nervously asks. Naruto chuckles, effortlessly navigating the switchbacks.

“Almost. Trust me, this will be worth it.” 

They finally make it to the overlook at the top of the mountain. Naruto haphazardly pulls into a parking spot and jumps out of the car, grabbing his old film camera as he does. Finding the old Kodak in his childhood bedroom was another success of this trip. His hands clutch the solid body, remembering how he would take it with him everywhere, capturing so many special moments with Sasuke. Many of which were at this exact overlook. 

“I used to come up here all the time,” Naruto says, looking out over the misty mountains. Fallen leaves and gravel crunches under his sneakers as he heads over to the edge. Gaara slowly approaches the edge, not getting right up to it like Naruto. Holding up the old camera, Naruto snaps photos of the scenery. Maybe he can find a place in Oto that develops film and he can hang these up in his new room. Gaara has kindly offered for Naruto to stay with him until he finds a new place that better fits his needs and budget. 

“We should take some pictures up here,” Gaara says in his usual soft monotone. Naruto laughs.

“That’s exactly what I’m doing!” Gaara rolls his eyes. 

“I mean of you. Promotional photos. Have you even thought of what you are going to call this EP we just spent days recording?” Gaara asks, holding out his hand for the camera. Hesitantly, Naruto hands it over, pointing out how to use it, only to get swatted away by Gaara. 

“Uh, I actually don’t know yet,” Naruto says, trying to act natural for the camera, looking away and walking around the overview.

“Well, you better think of something,” Gaara says, snapping photos. Naruto sighs and looks out over the misty mountains. It’s cheesy, but that’s it. He smiles to himself. “Got the shot. We have to head back to Oto.”

Misty Mountain Tapes. Yes, very cheesy, with a nice hint of nostalgia, but Naruto loves these misty mountains. In fact, maybe he should try to come back home.

Misty Mountain Tapes, despite Gaara insisting it is a silly name, actually gets some traction from the independent scene. Several local music publications have reached out for brief interviews. Online music critics review the EP and Naruto is thankful for the overwhelmingly positive reviews. Some of the songs have blown up in some circles of social media, including some videos of Naruto just playing the songs on his parents’ porch being the most popular. Gaara’s production choices are absolutely perfect, giving a wistful, cosmic, hazy feeling to the music, while letting the roots in the mountains shine through. 

The uptick in popularity is a lot to get used to, but Naruto is thankful to not be busting his ass on Oto’s Strip every night playing covers of songs he can’t stand to listen to anymore. Instead, he is starting to actually open for more established local acts. He has even had a few small shows as the headliner. The sudden success is a rush.

Of course, Naruto doesn’t care if the general public or some music critic likes his music, all that matters is if he likes his music. And Sasuke. He hopes Sasuke likes the songs written for him. 

Several times, Naruto has considered reaching out to Sasuke, asking him to listen to the EP. It’s so obvious that pretty much all of the songs are about him and the life they shared, and the life they could have shared, in the mountains of Konoha. But he doesn’t. It feels disingenuous at this point. For some reason, Naruto wants Sasuke to find it organically. He wants his past lover to hear the pain and love and longing in these songs on his own. He doesn’t want to pressure Sasuke into responding. No, he believes that the universe will send it Sasuke’s direction one way or another. 

Winter truly is the worst time of the year. All of the lush foliage has fallen from the landscape, leaving a sea of sticks poking up from the mountains. While missing the sunshine and endless green of spring and summer, Naruto refuses to let the weather dampen his positive mood. Finally, he feels like he is back on track in life. Hard to believe that just a year ago he had the first wave of doubt, the mental turmoil that had him skipping town on Sasuke and the life they had planned together. Now, Naruto is making his way back for his regular visit home to Konoha, feeling like a new person. 

This past year sucked, it sucked so much, but Naruto has grown so much from it. Growth that is reflected in his artistry. He is working with Gaara on new music almost constantly. Gaara is incredibly important to the process, being quite the musical visionary and helping Naruto develop his unique sound. After the release of ‘Misty Mountain Tapes,’ Naruto found his niche, attracting a growing base of loyal fans. In fact, he is set to go on tour as an opener for another independent artist he greatly admires this spring. 

It’s the kind of success, despite being small, that has Naruto longing to move back to Konoha. He doesn't need to be in Oto. In fact, on this visit back home he plans to bring it up to his parents, maybe they could help him look for a place to live.

As if on instinct, Naruto finds himself driving up to his favorite outlook. The fresh mountain air and bird’s eye view helps clear his mind. He has yet to reach out to Sasuke, but plans to soon. His ego is finally in check enough to allow him to shamelessly beg on his hands and knees for Sasuke to take him back. If Sasuke doesn’t, that’s okay. It will hurt. It will hurt so much. Naruto has mentally prepared himself for the more likely outcome of rejection. However, he really hopes that Sasuke can find it within himself to love again. Like the song played in his parent’s living room those months ago, “ If you think you can ever love me again, please go ahead, I don't mind.” 

Parking his car and killing the engine, Naruto makes his way over to the edge, sitting on the railroad ties stacked to hold up the earth of the overlook. Despite being February, it’s a beautiful day. The sun heats up his face and the view of the valley is unusually clear. 

Naruto isn’t sure how long he is sitting there, when the faint sound of an approaching engine catches his attention. It’s probably just some family or tourist. A car door behind him shuts and the crinkle of gravel gets closer as someone approaches the overlook. Naruto turns to get a glance at whoever is joining him on the outlook and his heart stops. 

Sasuke. 

Naruto’s entire body freezes, warmth and ice simultaneously run through his veins, simultaneously relieved and terrified to see Sasuke again. No, not yet, not like this, I’m not ready. Soon, but not yet! A toxic mix of anxiety, insecurity, and panic fills his mind and body, freezing him in place. Naruto isn’t even entirely sure he is breathing anymore. Silence stretches between them for several long moments. Finally, Naruto finds his voice again.

“Sas… How have you…” he clears his throat, “How have you been?”