Work Text:
How Have You Been
“Sas… How have you…” Naruto clears his throat, “How have you been?” Sasuke freezes in his tracks. He knows his brain is sending signals to his body to move, but connection must be lost because none of his muscles seem to move. Those beautiful Blue Jay eyes stare directly into his soul, leaving Sasuke breathless. Finally, he has gotten to a place where he doesn’t want to see Naruto, and doesn't need to, only for him to appear at Sasuke’s spot . Well, it’s not exactly Sasuke’s, it’s a National Forest, it technically belongs to everyone, but that’s beside the point.
What the fuck?! After months and months of no contact Naruto has the audacity to ask Sasuke how he has been? As if he gives a shit? As if he could ever understand the pain and melancholy Sasuke has been simply existing in for the past year? Bullshit. It’s fucking bullshit.
Of course, Sasuke doesn’t say any of this, instead choosing to go with the polite answer of, “Not bad, how about you?” He almost cringes as the words leave his mouth. He’s actually feeling better than ‘not bad’ today. Well, until this very moment that is.
Naruto lets out a slightly-too-loud laugh, Sasuke can tell it’s his nervous laugh. Naruto always laughs as a coping mechanism. Good. Be nervous, you idiot.
“Not too shabby. Just happened to be in town and wanted to stop by one of my favorite spots, is all,” Naruto begins to get up from the railroad tie he is perched on, “I probably need to head on out though. My mom needed…” Naruto is now fully standing, still on the edge of the overlook. His usual sunshine demeanor seems cloudy, and oddly enough Sasuke finds that he doesn’t like that. Sure, Naruto practically tore out his heart and fed it to a pack of coyotes (actually that would probably have been less painful…) But Naruto not being a ray of unfiltered sunshine is unsettling. Naruto’s eyes stare down the edge of the mountain, plunging several thousand feet to the valley below.
Sasuke’s dark eyebrow raises, “Your mom needed…?” At least his stupid mouth seems to be working.
Naruto shakes his head, shaggy blonde hair fluttering, “Sorry, yeah, my mom needs me to run by the store. And my dad wants me to get him a new backpack for his foraging. He’s gotten really into it these days. My mom acts annoyed about it, but I can tell that she actually thinks it’s cute. They are such an odd couple. I guess they say opposites attract, they seem to be living proof!” Naruto laughs nervously again, a hand coming up behind his head to ruffle his hair. It looks longer than Sasuke remembers. Maybe Naruto needs a soul-cleansing haircut too. Sasuke’s mind immediately remembers when he got a horrible haircut in the 6th grade, coming to school looking like a thumb and decides that maybe longer hair is best for Naruto after all.
“Sorry, I’m rambling again. I’ll just go…” Naruto gives Sasuke a weak smile and begins to trudge off to his old, forest green 4runner, parked on the other end of the parking lot, spraying fine gravel with each pathetic step.
Finally, Sasuke has regained control of his motor functions, and finds himself pacing over to Naruto quickly, gravel crunching under his sneakers as he practically jogs up to Naruto. Sasuke is so incredibly angry and sad and disappointed, sure, but he can also tell that Naruto doesn’t seem like himself. That must be what drives Sasuke to lightly grasp onto Naruto’s familiar, orange Patagonia pullover, look into those deep blue eyes, and say, “Stay…”
Silence stretches between them for what could be hours. Naruto’s sky blue eyes look stormy as they meet Sasuke’s brown, deep as the forests surrounding them. So much is being said in the silence.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘I hate you.’
‘I’m miserable.’
‘You hurt me.’
‘I know.’
‘I’m healing though.’
‘That’s good.’
‘God you’re so stupid.’
‘I know, I love you still.’
‘...I know.’
They are so close, Sasuke can smell Naruto’s signature scent, Old Spice Timber. He’s been using it since they were teens. He remembers Naruto begging his mom to pick out his own deodorant and body wash scent at the local Walmart when they were around 12 years old. The same age when they first kissed (it was an accident, all the ones after that were not). It’s been that same scent ever since. It’s oddly comforting. Despite seemingly everything changing, at least some things do manage to stay the same.
The sound of bushes shaking and sticks breaking in the forest on the other side of the road pulls them out of their trance, both jumping and moving in even closer together.
“Is that…?” Worry filters onto Naruto’s face.
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t think…?”
“Shut up!” Sasuke whisper-yells, watching the bushes carefully. They are near Naruto’s car, hopefully he won’t mind letting his ex-boyfriend in if their suspicions turn out to be true. The bushes shake more and more, Sasuke’s grip on Naruto’s sleeve unconsciously tightens. Naruto is practically shaking. Idiot, he has clearly been away from the mountains for too long. Something is emerging from the dense, sticky brush…
A flock of turkeys.
Sasuke looks to the sky and lets out a deep sigh of relief before meeting Naruto’s eyes again. Once they meet, the both immediately start laughing. It’s a good laugh, the kind that comes from deep within his stomach, that makes Sasuke’s abs ache, echoing through the valley below.
“I… I thought it was… a bear!” Naruto chokes out between bouts of genuine laughter. The laugh that Sasuke loves, not the fake nervous laugh from earlier.
“You were so scared… shaking like a leaf…” Sasuke says, laughing quietly. Naruto’s laugh is totally infectious.
Honestly, Sasuke feels a little conflicted, laughing with Naruto like the past year didn’t happen when it decidedly did. Grabbing onto his sleeve like it is nothing. After a few minutes their laughter peeters out, leaving an uncomfortable silence in its wake. Sasuke can tell that Naruto is aware of it too—that interaction was too familiar for the state of their current relationship.
“I… I’m going to write over there,” Sasuke points to one side of the overlook where there is a cluster of picnic tables. “You can stay if you want, but… I’m going to be focused, so…”
“Leave you alone?” Naruto finishes, looking down at where his well-worn Adidas sneaker is kicking at the unpaved overlook. Looking off to the beautiful view of the sea of trees below them, Sasuke replies,
“Yeah…” Naruto nods, still looking down. A shadow has come over his bright face again. It’s strange, but Sasuke is somewhat thankful for the false alarm bear-scare. Even if it was just for a fleeting moment he got to see a glimpse of the Naruto he knew. His Naruto. Without another word, Sasuke turns to gather his blanket and thermos of tea from the car. With a barely-there smile, Sasuke very briefly turns back to look at where Naruto is standing looking over the mountains, the hint of a sunshine smile on his face. Sasuke knows exactly what he is going to write about today.
The chime jingles as someone enters the Konoha Book Exchange, causing Sasuke to look up from his leather-bound writing journal to greet whoever has wandered in on a slow Wednesday afternoon. It’s not surprising to see one familiar head of wild, blonde hair—Minato is in all the time lately looking for books on foraging and native plant identification—the second head of messy blonde hair surprises him though.
“Oh, Sas…! Sorry, Sasuke. I didn’t know you still worked here,” Naruto says, tripping on the door jam as he enters the cozy bookstore. Sasuke has to suppress a smirk as his ex-boyfriend flails for a moment before catching his footing. “I always forget about that stupid door,” he hears Naruto mumble under his breath.
“Yep,” Sasuke awkwardly replies. It’s really all he can seem to manage as Naruto comes up to the antique oak counter, scratched and fading from years of use and neglect. Struggling to make eye contact, Sasuke goes to his typical ‘customer service’ questions, “Anything I can help you find today?”
Naruto jumps a little at the question and looks over his shoulder as if there’s anyone else Sasuke is talking to. Idiot. Minato has already wandered up the creaky stairs to the wildlife section.
“Oh, uh, no. Just following my dad around today,” Naruto replies, also sounding incredibly awkward. A strained silence falls between them, Naruto leaning against the counter and Sasuke standing behind it, both finding the dusty bookshelves and exposed brick wall incredibly interesting all of a sudden.
“I remember playing here. It feels like forever ago…” Naruto says quietly, breaking the mounting tension.
“Yeah, you were always such a crowd pleaser. Anytime word got out that you were going to play here people would actually come in early and camp out just to see you play. We actually had to turn people away because we had reached capacity. I guess you’re more than just a local celebrity now…” Sasuke says, picking at a spot with his nail where the glossy stain of the oak counter dripped during one of its many refinishings.
“I guess so. It’s nice to be home. I’m going to be traveling for the next couple of months nonstop.” The words spill from Naruto’s mouth. He has always been one to talk too much, overshare, ramble, fill the silence. Sasuke doesn’t want to admit that he kind of misses it. He also doesn’t want to admit that he knows Naruto is going on tour, opening for a popular act for the whole spring season.
“Really? How come?” Sasuke plays dumb. Naruto doesn’t need to know that he occasionally stalks… checks in on Naruto’s social media pages. And maybe, sometimes, pulls up his music on Spotify. Despite the stupid name, ‘Misty Mountain Tapes’ is very good. It’s not a casual listen though, as it always leaves Sasuke with a feeling of longing. If it ever came up, Sasuke wouldn’t admit to knowing any of the songs, but in his heart he knows that he loves ‘Daylight’ and ‘Born Again’ best. But again, Naruto doesn’t need to know that.
“I’m actually going on tour. I’m pretty excited. It’s with an artist I really like, so that will be cool, ya know?” Naruto says, his face lighting up again. Now that they are close together (and there isn’t a nonexistent bear stalking them) Sasuke can’t help but notice how tired Naruto looks. There is slight discoloration under his eyes, which are lacking their usual spark. It’s very… odd. His Naruto was always full of energy, face youthful and full of life. This Naruto looks like he hasn’t slept for at least a week or two.
“That is very exciting. I’m sure it will be good exposure for your music,” Sasuke replies, trying to not stare too hard while analyzing Naruto’s features. Naruto doesn’t need to know that Sasuke is a little concerned either. The list of things Naruto doesn’t need to know seems to keep growing.
“Yeah! I’m super excited. I’ve built a pretty strong social media following, but nothing beats getting to play live. Gaara has helped me round up a full band, they are all super great. Mom was a little mad I didn’t ask her and dad to come along and play, but who wants to go on tour with their parents! Plus, they have jobs! She just told me that they weren’t going to accept, but that I still should have offered. She’s crazy… but don’t tell her I said that,” Naruto says with a small snicker, sounding so much like he did when they were kids. A small smile sneaks onto Sasuke’s usually stoic face. He’s not wrong though… Also, who the hell is Gaara?
“Oh, umm, I was going to offer, since, ya know, it’s not that far from here…” Naruto scratches the back of his hair nervously, eyes quickly darting back and forth from the oak counter to Sasuke’s inquisitive brown eyes. “One of our stops is Tanzaku. If you want to come, you don’t have to pay or anything, you can be a guest.” Naruto’s eyes fully meet Sasuke’s, pleading. Sasuke can’t help but feel panic tingle at his fingers. Interacting ‘casually’ is one thing, but going to one of Naruto’s concerts, and as a guest at that? That is a little too much. The uncertainty must have creeped onto his face as Naruto begins to frantically backtrack.
“No pressure! Of course, it’s only if you want to. I know… I know we still have a lot to talk about.” Blue eyes cast down to a large scratch on the counter again. A sigh escapes Sasuke.
“Thanks for offering, I will think about it.”
“Really?” A smile creeps on Naruto’s face. “That’s good…” Minato suddenly appears beside his son, and they look like a matching pair with how similar their physical features are.
“How are you today, Sasuke? Just this please,” he says politely, setting several native plant identification books on the counter next to Sasuke’s mug of tea and writing journal. Sasuke nods and begins ringing Minato up. Naruto stands by silently the whole time, Sasuke can feel those piercing blue eyes on him the whole time. The pair leaves the shop, Minato giving Sasuke a small smile and wave, Naruto casting him one last longing look that leaves Sasuke confused and conflicted. Reading Naruto used to be so easy, but now he doesn’t have a clue what thoughts are swimming behind those eyes and sad smiles.
Deciding it’s best to not ponder on it—Sasuke is finally moving on and healing without Naruto, after all—he takes a sip of his white chai and gets back to work on his latest writing project. The door chime and a thud followed by Naruto’s voice calling out “Ahh! That damn door!” pulls Sasuke out of his writing.
“Anything I can help you find today?” Sasuke says again, watching Naruto out of the corner of his eye. Naruto rolls his eyes, but a small smile grows nonetheless.
“Sas… Would you be willing to meet with me or something here soon? I have a lot of apologizing to do. I… I want to fix things and explain everything and—” He scratches the back of his blonde hair again, ruffling up the back and making it spike up even more. Sasuke can’t help but think he’s not going to have any hair left in that spot if he keeps at it like that. “Even if you can never forgive me, I understand. But I want to at least clear the air between us the best I can. I’m begging, pleading for you to please hear me out. I… I don’t deserve it but please, please Sas…”
Sasuke melts a little at Naruto’s use of his old pet name. Despite that, he has to stay strong. Sure, Sasuke contributed to the breakup some too, as he is finally able to admit to himself, but Naruto really, really did a lot of damage. Biting at his lip, Sasuke tries to look anywhere but the man standing across the counter, eyes jumping to the recommended table, the counter, the iPad, the speakers hung high on the wall, the creaky stairs, the rows of bookshelves creating tight aisles in the small bookstore, anywhere but Naruto.
“Sas, please, I’m begging you,” Naruto chokes. Looking at the songwriter, Sasuke finds Naruto moving to the side of the counter, getting on his knees. Oh Jesus Christ…
“Naruto, what the fuck are you doing? Get up !” Moving over to the idiot who is on his knees, at this point crying up at Sasuke, hoping to pull him off the old hardwood floor of the shop. This is ridiculous! Once within reach, Naruto grasps onto Sasuke’s worn out, hand-me-down Levi’s from Itachi, sobs racking his body. At a total loss of what to do, Sasuke just looks around frantically and prays to whatever god is out there that no customers enter the store at that moment. Or Kakashi, how perfect would that be?
“Shhh, Naruto, it’s okay. Please stop crying in my place of work,” Sasuke says, uncomfortably patting tangled blonde locks.
Naruto just cries out loudly, words occasionally making it through the violent sobs and gasps for breath, “Please… missed you… so goddamn much… you don’t… I don’t… don’t deserve… anything… but please…”
This emotionally-charged public display makes Sasuke so incredibly uncomfortable, but this must be really weighing on Naruto to have resigned him to crying on the floor begging for Sasuke to even just hear out an apology, not even asking for forgiveness. It’s beyond pathetic. Sasuke tries to appear unaffected, but his chest tightens so much it is painful, watching his former lover weep, the cries filling the empty shop, body shaking aggressively against his leg.
Closing his eyes, Sasuke takes a deep breath, filling his lungs to the brim, before letting out a long sigh. Resolve intact, he responds in monotone,
“I’ll hear you out, Naruto, but not right now. I’m working at the moment, okay? We can meet later, when are you free?”
Wide, tearful eyes look up to Sasuke. He forgets how expressive they truly can be. Naruto looks like a child again, crying over taking a tumble at the park, getting cut on the rusty playset a few blocks down. Hands unclench from worn Levi’s, face ugly and flushed from crying, wide eyes never looking away from Sasuke as Naruto heaves, trying to catch his breath.
“You will?”
“Yes, I will,” Sasuke says with a bit more edge in his voice than intended, moving to get his notebook, “When are you free next?”
Naruto swallows loudly, tears still streaming down the scars on his cheeks from running into an electric fence when they were children. Hands fall to his lap, “I leave on Sunday to go back to Oto, I’m totally free until then.”
Sasuke nods, checking the page where he wrote down this week’s work schedule, “How about tomorrow night? Would that work for you?”
Naruto nods, again looking so much younger than 23 years old as he wipes the tears from his eyes with the sleeve of his green university sweatshirt. “Yeah… Yeah, I can do that. I’m so truly sorry…” Naruto sniffles loudly, “I don’t… don’t want to…pressure you into doing… this,” Naruto says sadly. There goes Sasuke’s heart cracking just a little bit. Fuck. Yes, Naruto did admittedly make it hard to say no, but it will be okay. Sasuke needs this for his own closure on this miserable chapter of his life.
Naruto is painfully aware that his display in the Konoha Book Exchange was not his best showing and was probably insanely stressful and embarrassing for Sasuke. It really wasn’t how Naruto planned for the exchange to go, but as usual all of his feelings came rushing out. His emotions can really be an unstoppable force at times.
His dad didn’t ask any questions when Naruto slipped in the cracked leather of the passenger seat, face wet and hiccuping, opting to give him a comforting pat on the shoulder before backing out of the parking space.
Now, Naruto finds himself pacing his front porch in the crisp March air, February has finally passed. Good riddance. It’s not a date by any means, but Naruto can’t stop the nervous energy from fizzing up in his stomach. Stupidly, Naruto even considered picking some of the early-spring wildflowers he spotted while out foraging with his dad to give Sasuke, only to decide against it. It might give the wrong idea. Plus, Itachi, working in natural sciences and conservation, has probably influenced Sasuke with a “leave no trace” mindset, not that Naruto’s complaining.
The sound of an engine and the crunch of gravel alert him of Sasuke’s arrival, the little Rav4 carefully navigating the narrow, twisting driveway that leads down into the holler. Bouncing on the balls of his feet, Naruto nervously anticipates how this evening will go. The old porch creaks and strains under Naruto’s restless energy. Sasuke hasn’t even told him where they are going, just that they will meet up to talk.
The SUV comes to a stop, prompting Naruto to move across the yard over to the vehicle. His hands shake slightly from nerves as he reaches up to open the car door, reminding himself that he wants this. He begged for this. No point in being nervous now. He got so tired of being so fake and disingenuous in Oto, that same attitude needs to be applied in Konoha in order for him to rectify all of his mistakes and missteps.
Soft music is playing in the car as Naruto slides in. The familiar smell of Winter Pine Little Tree air freshener washes over him, calming him instantly. This is Sasuke. It’s going to be okay.
“Where to?” Naruto pulls the seatbelt across his body and settles into the passenger seat. Sasuke has yet to even glance in Naruto’s direction.
“You’ll see,” he replies shortly. A hand goes behind Naruto’s headrest as Sasuke twists to back out of the driveway, effortlessly navigating the twists and turns.
It feels so familiar. So much time has passed that Naruto often forgets that Sasuke has done this drive many times. He smiles at the memories of meeting Sasuke halfway down the driveway, sneaking out to go smoke on the water tower late into the night, usually sharing soft kisses while they watched the quiet town below them. Or when Sasuke would pick him up to go snowboarding in Yukigakure, where Naruto would constantly fall on his ass, not nearly as graceful or coordinated as Sasuke. Or when Sasuke would creep his car down the winding gravel road, sneaking in through Naruto’s squeaky bedroom window so they could quietly tussle through the night. It feels familiar because it is familiar.
“Alright, you better not be taking me out to the woods to murder me though,” Naruto teases, glancing over to Sasuke, who just scoffs.
“Please, there’s enough ghosts in these forests and I do not need a dumbass haunting me for the rest of my life.”
“Not even a hot dumbass?” Naruto notices a small smirk grow on Sasuke’s lips.
“If I wanted a hot dumbass to haunt me I wouldn’t kill you . When’s Kiba coming back to Konoha again?”
A faux offended look graces Naruto’s features, “You think Kiba’s hotter than me?” The smirk just grows. “Are you really suggesting you like Kiba more than me?”
“Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to,” Sasuke lets out a deep sigh, smirk falling. “Honestly, I don’t really like you right now, Naruto.” Ouch. But fair. Pain blossoms from Naruto’s chest, slowly spreading throughout his body like a disease, an ever consuming painful ache.
“I know,” he responds, not sure of how else to answer.
They sit in silence for the rest of the drive.
Raku’s Diner and Deli in downtown Konoha is a national treasure, truly. They bake their own bread and sweet treats displayed in rickety glass cases by the register, and have the best chili, cactus chili to be specific, in probably the whole world. It’s perfect for a crisp March evening, Naruto decides while scarfing down his large bowl that tastes distinctly like home.
Sasuke just watches in silent contemplation, taking delicate nibbles of his sandwich and small sips of soup, as Naruto absolutely devours his meal. The weight of that stare is starting to crush Naruto, not knowing how to distract himself from the upcoming difficult conversation other than to eat like a starving fox in a chicken coop. The food will run out eventually, and Naruto will have to begin explaining himself.
“This feels strange,” Sasuke finally says, breaking the tense silence they have been in since the car ride. Pausing mid-bite, Naruto can’t help but nod in agreement.
“I agwee,” Naruto says while chewing on his sandwich. Sasuke scrunches his nose in disgust.
“I shouldn’t have to tell you this, but don’t talk with food in your mouth,” Sasuke reprimands, leaning back in the vinyl booth, crossing his arms. A blush warms Naruto’s cheeks.
“Sowwy,” he swallows his current bite, “Sorry.” They fall back into silence, again. Naruto is so sick of the silence. He’s got to get this going, he has to take responsibility. Setting down his sandwich, Naruto decides now is as good a time as any.
“Sas—sorry, force of habit—Sasuke… I want to start by saying that from the bottom of my heart, to the tallest mountain, to the deepest valley, and everywhere in between, I am so incredibly sorry for how our relationship ended. I…” Naruto looks down to the sticky laminate table with its scratched faux-wood finish and chipping edges. “I have had a hell of a year. It has been insanely difficult. But, I want to make it clear that it was self-inflicted, for the most part. I should have been more thoughtful, more understanding but…”
His throat begins to tighten, tears already threatening to spill, “I want to make things right. You were… are my whole world. I want you to know that everything I did, I always tried to have honest intentions. I realize after some soul searching, though, that maybe… maybe I have some self-centered tendencies, that I used the excuse of wanting to create a more stable life for us as… well, as an excuse to do what I wanted to do at the cost of our relationship. It was fucking stupid… I’m fucking stupid…” Resting his elbows on the table, Naruto lets his face fall into his hands, fingers gripping painfully at the roots of his hair. “I don’t even know if I am making any sense…” he quietly sobs.
A delicate hand lightly grasps his wrist, causing Naruto to look up at his former lover. The former lover who has taken the time to listen to Naruto’s nonsensical ramblings. The former lover who he left behind, and failed to even call back for a year. Naruto has no right to even be in Sasuke’s presence, if he is being honest with himself.
“C’mon,” Sasuke says, voice gentle, “Let’s chat about this somewhere else.”
Sasuke waves goodbyes politely to people he knows as they head out of the restaurant, leading them to the big park at the end of the main street. As kids, they played on the ancient, rusty playset and the creaky swings until way past sundown. Things were so much simpler back then.
“Alright, let’s start over. Tell me about how the past year has gone for you,” Sasuke says, settling on one of the dry-rotted swings. Sitting in a neighboring swing, Naruto does just that.
They share their woes of the past year, the ups, and mostly downs, rolling just like the topography their hometown is nestled in. They share, back and forth, just like how they are swinging on the ancient playground’s swingset.
“I became what I can only describe as a temporary alcoholic,” Naruto says, looking off into the night. “Don’t give me that look, it’s fine. I don’t fall into it as much anymore, as long as I control my settings, and emotions…”
“I did nothing but wallow around in my parents’ house for the past year. I cried almost every day after you left. It felt like there was nothing for me anymore. Some days, I don’t think I felt anything at all,” Sasuke reveals, never looking up from his hands as he swings lightly.
“I feel like every decision I made was so fucking stupid. So misguided. I just, I felt so much pressure and it felt like that was my only option. Like the walls were closing in on me, so I made the decision that served me best… I really am so stupid.”
Sasuke briefly glances up at Naruto, “No, you’re really not that stupid. I should have tried to be more understanding. We could have talked more, I could have listened more. It’s just… it felt like we were finally back on track. And then you bring up this opportunity that was going to take you away from me. It was selfish of me too.”
“I have been the most selfish though. I always do this, I always try to convince myself that acting on my own desires is what’s best for everyone, including myself. Moving to Oto initially was such a selfish thing to do. I think I can be pretty narcissistic at times…” Naruto says with a sigh, his breath visible in the brisk air.
There’s a pause, Sasuke seems lost in thought. The only sound from Naruto’s feet dragging through the loose mulch as his swing sways lightly.
“My dad took me on so many fishing trips. They were fucking torture,” he finally says with a small smile. Naruto snickers—Sasuke’s dad has been trying to get the two of them into fishing since they were kids. Just imagining adult Sasuke being dragged on fly fishing outings is hilarious.
“I started a fire,” Naruto says bluntly, earning a look of confusion and concern, “in my apartment’s dumpster. I burned my kitchen table. And my kitchen chairs. And probably 10 bottles of tequila.”
Sasuke just continues to stare, a small smile playing at his lips. “That doesn’t clarify anything,” he remarks, chuckling softly, as familiar and calming as a mourning dove’s call on a hazy summer evening.
Darkness engulfs the empty park, the pair being its only inhabitants in the chilled night. They lightly swing, talk, and cry (well Naruto cries) into the night. Wet tears freeze his already flushed cheeks. The cold air burns Naruto’s lungs, but he doesn’t mind, it serves as a grounding reminder that he is here, with Sasuke, in the flesh. It’s not one of the many dreams that haunt him at night. It’s real. Sasuke is real.
At a lull in the emotionally charged conversation, Naruto begins to swing more aggressively, night breeze cutting against his frozen fingers and face, pushing his wild hair back. Naruto’s childish laugh fills the silence as swinging backwards tickles his tummy, he notices as Sasuke rolls his eyes with a soft smile. It’s nice. It’s not the same as it was, but it’s nice.
With the air surrounding their breakup still tense, but finally clear, they begin to discuss their own recent creative pursuits. Sasuke is working on another poetry book and is picking back up the book he started as their relationship fell apart. Naruto shares about his music, and how much Gaara has helped him craft a unique sound. At one point Naruto jumps off the swing, landing hard on his ass, feet skidding out from under him and spraying the loose pine mulch across the small play area.
“Naruto…” Sasuke says quietly, tracing the rust-covered chain of the swing with his finger.
“Hmm?” Naruto looks back at the person who once consumed his entire being.
“I can’t date you…” Ah, there it is. While he had told himself that he was mentally prepared for rejection, the actual act of being rejected, knowing that it really is over, makes every inch of Naruto's skin sting.
A sad smile gracing his face, he answers, turning to face the empty night, “Yeah, I figured.”
“At least, not now… not yet…” A breath escapes that Naruto didn’t even realize he was holding, heart speeding up at Sasuke’s words. “Let’s go, it’s getting super late and it’s fucking cold.”
Collecting himself and turning to follow Sasuke, those words continuously bounce around in his head. ‘Not yet’ doesn’t mean yes… but it doesn’t mean ‘no’ either.
The small trip Sasuke took with Itachi to the historic, coastal town of Kiri was incredibly refreshing. He is incredibly grateful that Itachi was able to take some time off in one of the busiest seasons for his work. Then again, every season for Itachi is a busy season.
It’s nice to be back in Konoha, even though hauling boxes into his new home in the stagnant heat of mid-June is less than ideal. Sasuke smiles up at the little, soft orange cottage, with ivory Victorian trim and its big front porch begging for some comfy chairs, shaded by the mature sweetgums scattered around the front yard. It’s overflowing with charm, the perfect creative space for an aspiring writer. He can’t wait to sit out in the evenings with a mug of tea watching the sun set behind the ridges that frame Konoha. And it’s only a hop, skip, and a jump away from downtown, nestled on a quiet side street, making it the perfect location. He’ll have to make sure and write a thank-you note to Kakashi for hooking him up with his lovely new home.
His family helped him move in some larger furniture items earlier, leaving Sasuke to just move in a few personal boxes of notebooks, clothes, and keepsakes from his parent’s house. It’s nice to have some time to just settle in on his own, place his books on his thrifted bookshelf in just the right order.
There’s something incredibly refreshing about moving into a new place, a space he can fully make his own. It feels as though he is finally moving on from the past year. Finally able to be happy with his own choices and actions. To start fresh. It’s… exciting.
The whole house is full of little quirks and charming features. There’s some random stained glass over the entrance to the small kitchen, especially large windows letting in lots of natural light, and a cozy living space with a working brick fireplace. It’s going to be perfect in the cold winters. And the floors, the beautiful American Chestnut. When Sasuke saw those floors he knew he had to rent the place. Itachi was incredibly excited when he helped move in Sasuke’s bedroom set and new couch, rambling on about how rare and invaluable American Chestnut floors are, as if Sasuke has never listened to Itachi’s passionate ramblings. It’s not the house he had initially rented with Naruto, it’s different, it’s his, and he loves it already.
Speaking of Naruto, he should be finishing up tour any day now. Sasuke ended up not going to his show in Tanzaku, deciding he couldn’t handle it after their emotionally charged night on the swings of downtown Konoha. Space and time. This is what Sasuke needs right now. After years of being defined by his relationship with Naruto, it’s somewhat exhilarating to begin discovering who he is on his own, now that he is in a better headspace.
Maybe one day he will feel comfortable inviting Naruto into his new home. It’s kind of funny to think about how they were once everything to one another and now Sasuke is contemplating whether or not he should even let Naruto into his home. There is a lot of rebuilding that needs to be done for their relationship to even remotely resemble what it once was. But… there is a chance they can be friends. The thought makes Sasuke smile. Despite the hurt, a part of him will always be soft for the songwriter who wrecked his life.
“Hello?” Sasuke politely answers the phone, squishing it between his shoulder and cheek while trying to level a watercolor from one of his favorite local artists in the hallway.
“Sasuke!!! Guess what?” Naruto’s melodic voice sings through the line.
“What?” Sasuke says, tongue sticking out a bit as he steps out, finding that the frame is still not level, dammit!
“I am done with touring for a bit! It was great, really, I will have to tell you all about it when I get back to Konoha.”
“Congrats, I hope it was a positive experience for you.”
“It was. I, uh… have something I want to run by you,”
“Alright, shoot,” Sasuke finally decides the picture is about as straight as it’s going to get from just eyeballing it.
“So, um… I have been thinking about it for a while, but I’ve been thinking… and I want your honest input on this, okay? I’ve been thinking of moving back to Konoha,” Naruto says, unease filtering into his voice.
Silence.
Sasuke isn’t entirely sure how to feel about it. Honestly, he feels neutral. He doesn’t hate Naruto, and holds little resentment at this point despite having not totally vocalized his forgiveness to Naruto yet. Not usually one to forgive so easily, Sasuke knows it is best for everyone if he does. It’s freeing. Which is why he finds himself answering,
“That’s fine. Will you still be able to do the work you need to do?” Sasuke cringes after the words fall out of his mouth. It sounds so targeted, so passive aggressive, considering the reasons Naruto moved to Oto in the first place.
“Umm,” Naruto sounds incredibly unsure over the phone, “Yeah, I think so. I’m, uh, in a little bit better position than I was… ya know… a year or so ago.”
“That’s good, yeah. When do you think you’ll be moving back?” Sasuke inquires, trying to figure out how long he has to mentally and emotionally prepare himself.
“Well, we are going to be done touring this week, and I am planning on at least coming back to stay with my parents for some time to rest. Was kind of thinking of maybe looking at some different places to rent while I am in town.”
Sasuke nods along in silence, before remembering Naruto can’t see him, “Okay, yeah, that sounds nice.”
“Yeah…”
Oh god, this is incredibly awkward. While Sasuke is thankful Naruto reached out first, it is just a little silly. Naruto is an adult, he can do whatever he wants including moving back to Konoha.
“You know, you don’t need my permission to move back?” Sasuke finally says, breaking the silence.
“Yeah, I know. I just… it felt wrong to just do it without asking you first. Are you… you, uh… still living with your parents?” Sincerity colors Naruto’s expressive voice. This conversation is so tortured.
“Actually, I’m not anymore.”
“Did you move in with Itachi?”
“No, god no. He lives too far from Konoha in a shack in the woods. That is not optimal,” Sasuke says with a small chuckle. Even just the thought of living with Itachi sounds awful. He loves his brother, but his government-issued cabin isn’t exactly Sasuke’s idea of “cozy.”
“Oh…” More silence. “Who are you living with then?”
“I am living by myself. Kakashi set me up with a house to rent,” Sasuke explains. He swears he hears a sigh of relief through the receiver.
“Oh, okay, good,”
“Naruto?”
“Yes?”
“I’m not suggesting that you are suggesting this, but we can’t live together,” Sasuke says, one hand beginning to massage his temple as a tension headache begins to grow from their strained conversation. They are better now, but they aren’t back to normal, not even a little bit.
Naruto chokes a little, “No! No, I know. I wasn’t going to suggest that. Just… trying to be friendly.”
Sasuke’s heart pangs. Naruto has been trying so hard to repair their relationship, platonically at the very least. It’s awkward, but there is so much genuine effort he can’t help but humor Naruto, answering his phone calls and texts, divulging information about his day and whatnot.
“So you’ll be back in Konoha really soon?” Sasuke tries to change the subject.
“Yeah, probably by next weekend,”
“Cool, well, safe travels.” Sasuke gets ready to hang up when Naruto’s voice loudly cuts through the receiver, making him pull the phone away from his ear.
“Doyouthinkwecouldpossiblymeetupmaybe?” Naruto rushes. Sasuke blinks.
“Yeah, sure, I guess. Just… text me when you get into town?” Another barely-there sigh, Sasuke assumes from relief.
“Yes, I will. Promise. See you soon!” Sasuke can hear Naruto’s smile through the phone, making him smile softly.
“See you soon.”
Naruto approaches the small pastel orange cottage, an odd color choice for Sasuke, but he isn’t going to question it. After all, orange is Naruto’s favorite color. Honestly, he’s just happy Sasuke gave him his new address! It’s a cute little home on the east side of downtown with a nice view of Hokage Mountain from the large front porch. There’s a humming bird feeder hanging off of the ornate trim and brown wicker loveseats scattered around the front porch. It’s so homey, truly the kind of place Naruto can see Sasuke living in.
His heart aches a little at what could have been. This could have been their home. They could have snuggled on the front porch and listened to the rain pass, hung up wind chimes and bird feeders from the trim, picked out the perfect welcome mat for the front door. But, it’s best not to dwell on that. All Naruto can really do now is try to be a good friend to Sasuke again. Knocking on the solid front door, he tries to force his heart rate to calm down. It’s just Sasuke.
Except that’s the problem, isn’t it? It’s Sasuke.
The man he is still very much in love with.
But Sasuke no longer returns those feelings.
Before Naruto can really spiral while navigating that dangerous line of thought, Sasuke opens the door looking especially charming in an old 4-H camp counselor shirt from high school and his hair tied back to keep his bangs out of his eyes. Naruto desperately wants to engulf him in the biggest hug and nuzzle into his neck, but of course, he doesn’t.
“Hey there! Thanks for inviting me over!” Naruto forces a smile on his face. It’s not too hard, given that he is genuinely excited to see his former lover, but the pain and awkwardness of their current relationship still casts a heavy fog on the atmosphere whenever they are together.
“No problem, come on in. Sorry it’s such a mess, I just moved in recently,” Sasuke steps aside to let Naruto into the charming little bungalow. What is Sasuke talking about? There’s no mess at all.
“Really cute place you’ve got,” Naruto says, head wildly swinging around trying to take in every inch of Sasuke’s new home. “So… what are we going to do today? You said to bring work clothes, are we going to set up a garden or something?” Naruto remembers how Sasuke always wanted a small vegetable garden for summer squash and heirloom tomatoes.
“Hn,” Sasuke responds, avoiding Naruto’s eyes.
“No?”
“Not exactly,”
“Are you going to tell me?”
“Yeah,” Sasuke picks at his cuticles, “So, a while back Itachi asked if I would be interested in doing some volunteer work with the NPS,”
Naruto raises a blonde eyebrow, “Okay?”
“And I said yes. He really wanted me to, said it would be good for me given… well you know…” Sasuke briefly meets Naruto’s eyes. “So, I signed up for a day to go plant some American Chestnuts.”
“Okay, and?”
“I kind of forgot that it is today…”
Naruto just blinks at Sasuke. He admits, it was a little confusing when Sasuke texted him at the last minute to dress to work out in the July heat, but now it is all coming together.
“Alright! Well…” Naruto tries to hide any disappointment behind what he hopes is an understanding smile. “Let’s go plant some trees then.” His body floods with warmth at the small smile Sasuke gives him. For Sasuke, Naruto will do anything, including plant trees.
“It is hotter than two racoons fucking in a wool sock out here, why in the fuck are we digging ditches and not planting trees, Sasuke?” Naruto asks, leaning on his shovel to take a break from the arduous task of digging in rocky mountain soil.
Sasuke takes a moment to gulp down some water from his water bottle. Even drenched in sweat he looks ridiculously cute, a blue bandana being used to hold his hair back.
“I didn’t know that digging swales was going to be part of planting trees and that we were going to end up in the digging swales group.” They look over enviously at the laughing pairs scattered along the hillside planting trees in pre-dug holes . It’s fucking ridiculous. Sasuke better stop acting so awkward with Naruto after putting him through manual labor in the middle of July.
“This sucks,” Naruto pouts, leaning on his shovel.
“What happened to your positive outlook?”
“I can’t be positive when I am swimming in a combination of ninety percent humidity and my own sweat.”
Sasuke looks down at their sixth swale, a look of mild displeasure growing on his elegant face. To Naruto, it doesn’t look like Sasuke is suffering at all, despite also being drenched, all while Naruto himself looks like he has just ran a marathon in a snowsuit. How Sasuke manages to always look so effortless and elegant no matter the task is beyond Naruto.
While he knows that this task is awful, there isn’t anywhere he would rather be because it’s a task with Sasuke. In his heart, Naruto knows he is still so deeply in love, but is constantly pushing those feelings down, knowing he is not worthy of, nor is he likely to get, a second chance.
“Yeah, this sucks. Itachi said this would be fun and therapeutic, but I forget that he can be a masochist. This is the man that enjoys being out in the desolate forest regardless of the season breeding trees and shit. Maybe his ideas of fun shouldn’t be pursued.”
“Sasuke,” Naruto says, grabbing onto Sasuke’s shoulders, looking square into those deep brown eyes, “Itachi goes hiking for fun. He should not be trusted with picking an enjoyable summertime activity.”
Soft laughter bubbles from Sasuke, his pale cheeks slightly pink from the sun exposure and physical activity of digging fucking ditches. His brown eyes sparkling in the midday sun have Naruto’s heart melting all over again. Maybe Naruto is the true masochist for wanting to be near Sasuke, do things with him again, even though it hurts his soul so much. How can someone standing right in front of him still feel so out of reach?
Of course, he doesn’t voice any of this, instead just laughing right along, hands falling to his sides limply.
“Want to finish this one and then duck out?” Sasuke suggests, picking up his shovel again.
Naruto nods enthusiastically, “Yeah, I don’t think we are going to get to plant any trees and honestly I don’t want to dig holes all day.”
“Me neither,” Sasuke begins picking at the rocky soil with his shovel. “Ya know, we’re already gross and stuff. We could go down to the swimming hole after this. It’s not like we have to worry about our clothes getting wet or anything.”
Picking up his shovel again, Naruto begins enthusiastically trying to dig into what he is pretty sure is solid rock, “That sounds great.” Even while digging swales, it’s hard to suppress the big smile growing.
The swimming hole is really nothing particularly special. It’s just a particularly deep spot in the Naka River that twists through the forests surrounding Konoha with a particularly large granite rock that most locals use to jump into the water, always a little too cold regardless of the season. Right now though, the cold water sounds fucking amazing to Naruto, who’s naturally warm disposition is feeling especially overheated after working out in the sun and heat. Barely pausing to kick off his shoes somewhere along the dirt path, Naruto sprints from Sasuke’s car to the large rock, looking down at the water below.
It’s been years since he last went to the semi-famous swimming hole. In fact, he is pretty sure it was with Sasuke and his friends. The memory brings a smile to his face as he leaps off the rock, plunging into the frigid water.
It feels amazing…
Stupid Sasuke, making him go plant trees (dig holes). He’d do it again though.
“Naruto!” The call of his name is muffled as he swims, still fully submerged, to the muddy shore. Jolting out of the water, Naruto shakes off his hair, not dissimilar to Kiba’s dog, spraying a slightly disgruntled looking Sasuke who also happens to be holding Naruto’s abandoned shoes.
“Oh god, that’s fucking cold,” Sasuke grumbles, cringing away from Naruto.
“Yeah, but it feels so good after grinding away in the hot sun,” Naruto sloshes through the muck on the bank slowly.
“Let me get my shoes off, and then maybe I will wade in,” Sasuke begins to pull off his sneakers. A very evil thought suddenly appears in Naruto’s mind. While it’s a funny idea, he needs to really think through it this time. Sure, his relationship with Sasuke is improving, but are they close enough for what Naruto is thinking? Are they close enough yet for his antics to include Sasuke again? His impulsive nature takes over, always managing to get him in trouble.
Sasuke slowly wades into the water until it hits his mid calf.
“Holy shit, that is cold,” Sasuke remarks with a shiver. Naruto can’t help the evil smile that is threatening to expose his plan.
“Here, you look a little unstable, want me to help you?” Naruto asks innocently, holding out his hand for Sasuke to stabilize himself on. After a suspicious glance at the outstretched hand, Sasuke gives in.
“Thanks, it’s pretty hard to wade through this section.” Naruto just nods along, trying desperately to not snicker. They wade out to where there is a sudden drop off in the creek, the water getting drastically getting deeper.
“It’s no problem,” Naruto replies. He is being honest, despite the current state of their… friendship? Naruto still wants to be there for Sasuke, even if it is something as simple as moving through a muddy river bank.
“We used to come here all the time…” Sasuke starts, looking to the opposite bank where a ragged rope swing is hanging precariously on a rotten branch. No one has probably used that rope swing in a decade, but no one has bothered to take it down either.
“Yeah. We always managed to have a good time. I remember you were just as much of a wussy about the cold back then as you are now,” Naruto gently teases, bumping into Sasuke’s side.
A small smile flickers on Sasuke’s face. “It’s not my fault you are always so warm. Do you remember senior year of high school when you were dared to skinny dip here in the middle of December?”
Naruto’s free hand comes up to cover his face, still slightly embarrassed at that particular memory. “That suuucked. I might be warm natured, but I am not that warm. Sai, being the fucking weirdo he is, kept calling my dick small. As if I hadn’t just jumped into freezing water! Anyone’s dick would be small after that.”
Sasuke laughs, that deep, calming laugh that Naruto craves so much. He can’t help but be totally mesmerized by his gorgeous ex-lover. Naruto knows he grew up in one of the prettiest places in the world, and even its natural beauty—stunning buttermilk sunsets dipping behind the waves of green—can’t compare to Sasuke. Fuck. These kinds of thoughts absolutely haunt him, intruding on every nice platonic moment they share. He realizes they are still holding hands.
“Ugh, Sai is such an ass,” Sasuke rolls his eyes, still not letting go of Naruto’s hand. He can’t help but wonder if Sasuke even notices.
“You never did like him.”
“He was mean to you.”
“Oh…” Sasuke’s reasoning takes Naruto off guard, “I guess so…” He feels a sudden slight squeeze of his hand, making him look over to Sasuke, who is decidedly looking in the opposite direction. It takes all of Naruto’s self control to not pull him in for an embrace.
The cold current meanders by, and they just stand together in comfortable silence, only the sound of the stream trickling and birds singing fill the humid air. It’s the first comfortable silence between them in a long time.
“Thanks for going along with the tree planting thing today,” Sasuke’s quiet voice breaking the silence after a few minutes. “I know it probably wasn’t the most fun thing in the world.” Being bold, Naruto squeezes Sasuke’s hand in return.
“No, it’s not all bad. Plus, just getting to hang out is fun. Nothing like some bonding over manual labor, right?” Naruto shoots Sasuke one of his signature sunshine smiles. This smile is real, he truly feels so much warmth and happiness in this moment, despite standing in what is probably 50 degree water.
“Dobe,” Sasuke quips with a smile. The old insult is oddly comforting.
“Ya know what? I was just about to abandon this idea, but now that you’ve started name calling…” Naruto says, a mischievous grin morphing on his features. Sasuke immediately looks up to meet Naruto, brown eyes growing wide in worry.
“No… No! Do not… don’t even think about it,” he chokes out frantically, slightly shaking his head as though he has any chance of influencing Naruto otherwise.
Naruto just lets out a roguish snicker before falling into the deeper part of the river, dragging Sasuke in after him, Sasuke letting out a surprised yelp before being pulled underwater.
Cuddled up on his front porch, a soft alpaca blanket over his shoulders, and a hand-painted mug of coconut dream tea, Sasuke watches the soft orange sunset fade behind the ridge into darkness that is slowly covering the valley. Katydids and cicadas chirp into the evening, an owl softly hooting from its perch in one of the trees surrounding his little home.
Today ended up being oddly good. He was sure Naruto would refuse going along with volunteer work, especially that kind of volunteer work, but he didn’t. Instead he went along and made the task of not planting trees and instead digging swales way more fun than it would have been if Sasuke was by himself.
He smiles into his mug. It’s actually one of the mugs Naruto painted for him at a pottery shop that used to be located on Konoha’s main street, closing down around their sophomore year of college. It is objectively ugly, the little frog the songwriter had attempted to paint on the side is a little crosseyed and lumpy. That’s okay though. Despite Sasuke trying to grow and live without Naruto’s influence in his life, he still finds himself reaching for this mug whenever he feels particularly happy.
Right now, reflecting on their time together, Sasuke feels incredibly happy. He dropped Naruto off at home an hour or so ago. They ended up not staying super long at the swimming hole, Naruto going ‘mother-hen’ on him when he noticed shivering.
Now, after a warm shower and a light snack, Sasuke finds himself pleasantly tired. The residual tingle in his left hand, the hand that held Naruto’s, makes him feel like a ridiculous hormonal teenager again. It’s juvenile, but he finds himself smiling about it anyway.
His days of constant sorrow have begun to pass, Sasuke instead feeling refreshed with the self-promise of new beginnings. So many aspects of his life are still uncertain, but with several writing projects in the works, a gorgeous new home, and the continual healing of his soul, Sasuke is beginning to feel optimistic.
As for Naruto… It’s like he said those months ago at the park, “Not now… not yet…”
It’s kind of funny to reflect back on Naruto’s question on the overlook that sunny February day several months ago,
“How have you been?”
And how in just a few months, Sasuke can finally say that he has been doing really, really good.