Chapter Text
I suddenly woke in a cold sweat, finding myself staring at the floor struggling to regain composure and level my breathing. It had been the same dream that had haunted me since escaping Ul’dah, the vision of your fellow Scions being dragged into darkness as you stand helpless, unable to force your body to move or voice to make a sound. It had become a nightly ritual in my few days since arriving at Camp Dragonhead along with Tataru and Alphinaud. Both were shaken by the ordeal although none of us had spoken of it since the night it happened, all of us seemed to be trying to find our own way of coping.
As I attempted to gather myself I heard a light knock upon the door, shortly followed by its opening to reveal Tataru. “Ah, I had hoped you’d be awake-“. She paused as she stared at my face, seemingly trying to read my expression. “Did you not sleep well?” She was perceptive as usual, even when it came to me “Oh, no I was just...” I trailed off, I didn’t want to worry her further than she undoubtedly was already. My only option was to conjure a believable lie, “I was just wondering what was for breakfast today?” The tension on Tataru’s face immediately dispersed as she laughed, “I’m glad, that’s what I was here for! I wondered if you’d like to eat together.” I was relieved she hadn’t pried further though I doubted she was entirely convinced that I was merely longing for food. Her voice grew quiet as her eyes drifted to her feet “Actually, I had hoped you could help me…you see, Alphinaud...” her voice waivered “he still hasn’t left his room…and I…we could…perhaps ask him if he wished to join us…” she croaked, holding back tears.
Alphinaud had been the most affected by the recent events, his usual sharp wit and charm had all but dissipated as he blamed himself for what had befallen the others at the hands of the syndicate and the Crystal Braves. This led to him staying in his room, his meals being taken to his door, although these were largely left untouched. He hadn’t even made an appearance, neither of us seeing him since the night of our arrival. After being so close, having this distance between us felt alien. I doubted the likelihood that we would be able to convince him to join us in the dining hall, although there was something we hadn’t yet tried.
“I wonder if we could convince him to let us eat in his room together.” I pondered as Tataru’s tearful eyes shifted to me, seemingly shocked but delighted by the idea. “Of course! That way we can make sure he eats his as well!” Visibly relieved, she waited impatiently by the door as I changed eager to test my idea.
As we carried the trays of food toward Alphinaud’s room Tataru paused, “do you think he will let us in?” The thought had obviously crossed my mind, though it seemed likely he wouldn’t oblige initially I was confident we could coax him to allow us in. “I’m sure we can convince him, it might be good practice for when we try to get into Ishgard.” Tataru laughed, “You’re right, we can’t give up before we even try!”
We finally reached his door and stood for a moment, before exchanging looks. Who was going to knock on the door? Tataru vigorously shook her head at me, before I sighed and turned to the door. Of course it would be me, though I felt just as nervous as I had when about to face the primals. I laid my tray on the table by the door before taking a deep breath and gently knocking on the door.
We waited a few moments but were met with silence, Tataru stared at me anxiously. I glared at the door, determined and knocking more loudly. “Alphinaud, Tataru and I have come with breakfast. We were hoping to eat together.” We were again left with silence before hearing a quiet voice emerge from behind the door “…I’m not hungry.” Tataru stared at the tray before her, her eyes welling up slightly.
“You may not be hungry but we are, can’t you let us in so we can eat before it gets cold at least?” We were met with an exasperated sigh before we heard the door unlocking. I felt smug in my victory though this feeling was short lived, as the door opened it revealed a dishevelled and exhausted Alphinaud. He didn’t look as though he had slept at all since we arrived, his eyes looking red and sore. As we stared at his unfamiliar appearance he refused to meet our eye, seeming to grow irritated “are you going to come in or not.”
Tataru and myself quickly regained ourselves as we grabbed our trays and hurried in, setting them down upon the table by the fireplace before exchanging glances as we sat down. We hadn’t thought this far ahead and neither of us seemed to know what to say. Tataru looked at me sheepishly as we held our breakfast on our laps, it appeared this would be down to me. I stared at him as he closed the door, still shocked at his unkempt appearance. Though there was something endearing about his hair looking so scruffy. As he turned he met my gaze for a moment before he quickly diverted it toward the ground, before it slowly drifted to the trays of food which he eyed curiously.
“What is that…?”
We both flinched in surprise that he would be the one to speak first, “ah! …its Coerthan porridge, supposedly it’s the best thing to eat in cold places like this...” I spluttered nervously as I stared down at my breakfast. Taking my lead Tataru managed to quietly force herself to speak, “You should try it, I think you’d like it...” He seemed to pity our weak attempts at conversation and nodded, sitting down with a bowl in the chair opposite us, trying a spoonful tentatively. Upon tasting it he blinked, seeming stunned before quickly devouring the entire bowl. Afterwards he glanced upwards awkwardly, “it was…very good.” Blushing slightly as he became aware of himself.
Tataru and I smiled at each other before turning to Alphinaud, feeling more relaxed and returning to normality. “Do you want us to draw you a bath? I don’t think you’ve had one since we arrived” we said almost in unison. His face immediately went red, before snapping “I had intended to do so myself thank you! I was just…distracted” his gaze once again turning to the floor. We all knew what had been bothering him but neither of us could find the words to console him.
I knew I had to say something, we couldn’t leave him in this slump when he’d finally let us in. Who knew how many more days he would lock himself in here. Before I could begin to speak however, Tataru jumped from her seat in a panic. “Oh my, I just remembered! I’m due to be helping the weavers today, I’m so sorry Alphinaud –” she paused as she stared at him with a look of determination, “oh but, you will join us for breakfast again tomorrow won’t you?” she said smiling. Such a thing was Tataru’s secret weapon, none of us were impervious to her charms including Alphinaud. He sighed audibly before raising his gaze from the floor slightly to respond “I suppose there’s no helping it.” Tataru let out a cheer before making her way to the door, “I hope you’ll be bathed by then!” She quickly bolted not waiting for his response. Alphinaud sharply raised his head; face red and pouting slightly.
We both looked to the door before I looked back toward Alphinaud, feeling awkward following Tataru’s departure with conversation seemingly exhausted I felt as though this would be a good opportunity to also take my leave now that his attendance to breakfast tomorrow was confirmed.
I rose to my feet “I should really be going too, I’ll leave you to –“ However, my escape was quickly interrupted. “Actually, I wished to speak with you about something” Alphinaud said firmly, meeting my gaze. I was taken aback, after the past few days I hadn’t expect him to want me to stay much less to speak to me about anything. “Ah…of course, what is it?” I said sheepishly, nervously twiddling my own fingers.
He cleared his throat before walking over to the window, my eyes following him as he went. “It concerns the crystal braves and the…events in Ul’dah” he quickly glanced back at me before returning his stare to the snow falling past the window.
I sat in stunned silence, everybody had avoided speaking of what had happened, including myself. Just the thought of it had made me feel uneasy but I had known I would have to face speaking about it sooner or later. I meekly waited for him to continue as his shoulders became tense before speaking, seemingly struggling to retain his composure “Do you think we could have prevented it? You see…that is all that has occupied my thoughts these past days.”
The thought had crossed my mind, of course but every time it had, I couldn’t help but feel responsible. If only I had not completely played into their hands, after all I had been the key to the syndicates plan being a success, had I only realised then perhaps the others could have escaped too instead of sacrificing themselves to protect me.
I had consoled myself with the fact that none of us could have known, though that did not ease my guilt and regret. The same applied to Alphinaud, I couldn’t let him feel to blame, he didn’t know of the Crystal Braves betrayal until it was too late to act. It was a situation that never should have happened. I clenched my fists before standing, “…we never could have known the extent of what they were planning, and even if we had…they would have found another way. The only one to blame for this is the syndicate.”
Alphinaud turned to me, eyes now glistening with tears “but if I had realised the crystal braves had…I could have stopped them! The others wouldn’t have had to…they would still be here with us” he said while stifling back tears, mirroring the thoughts that had occupied my head for some time that I had simply swept away. We both needed to be strong, no primals would wait for us to recover from our grief should they make an appearances. As I stared at him, Alphinaud hunched over to hide his face before turning away from me. I began walk toward the window, standing beside him as I watched the snow float downwards. “You know, the world isn’t going to patiently wait for our pain to subside. Another primal could be summoned tomorrow and we need to be ready to protect the realm. We need to keep looking toward the future. We must remember and learning from the past, without letting it defeat us” I felt harsh as I spoke, but I couldn’t let our comrades’ deaths to save the Scions lead to our downfall.
“You are right, the realm needs you to be strong for us all. But what of me? What could I possibly –“
I quickly grasped his hands to turn him to face me, “Alphinaud, I – I need you need you to be strong for me.” I blushed slightly, realising how suggestive that may sound. I stared as his mouth dropped slightly, “but I –“ I quickly stopped him, “no buts! I may be able to fight primals but when it comes to dealing with politics and diplomacy there’s nobody else I can count on but you. We need you Alphinaud and we need to keep going, we can’t let our friends sacrifices be in vein.” I had finally said it, and it seemed to have effect as Alphinaud froze for a moment as he hesitated, before reluctantly nodding, “…I suppose you are right, nobody is going to wait for us to recover before they try to destroy the realm.”
He sighed, before smiling at me which caused my cheeks to redden slightly. I was glad he could smile again, giving my usual nod as I let go of his hands. “Tomorrow then.” Alphinaud looked at me, confused “tomorrow?” I smiled as I made my way toward the door, “that’s when we’ll start again, as the Scions of the seventh dawn.” His eyes widened before nodding, “tomorrow.”
I laid in bed, feeling restless. It had been hours and yet I couldn’t sleep, all that filled my head was Alphinaud. I felt smug that he had chosen to confide in me and that I had been able to motivate him, though I wasn’t convinced he’d be able to begin to move forward again so soon unless I did something to force him, to stop him from falling back into his depression.
As I rolled to onto my side frustrated, I noticed the sky beginning to lighten outside the window and an idea struck me. I quickly scrambled from my bed and grabbed a coat before dashing out of the doorway. When I had arrived at his room I quietly knocked to avoid being heard by anybody else, before impatiently opening the door and slipping inside. It seemed he had finally managed to sleep, which only made me feel guilty for waking him. As I softly approached his bed he seemed somewhat dazed before jolting awake “Haaaaah?! What are you-“ I quickly covered his mouth and made a shushing motion as he raised an eyebrow at me. “I need you to grab a coat and come with me, don’t worry nobody else is awake yet.” I slowly removed my hand from his face as he sighed, “What on earth are you doing?” he said wearily, mid yawn. I laughed a little as he glared at me, bewildered. As I traced my eyes over his body I noticed his shirt was open, exposing his chest. I suddenly became aware I’d never seen him like this, my mouth felt dry, immediately feeling butterflies in my stomach; my heartbeat becoming the only thing I could hear. Why did this make me feel so nervous? As I struggled to find the words to say, eventually I merely told him “trust me.”
As we left his room I grabbed his hand and swiftly dragged him up a staircase in one of the battlements. When we arrived at the top the sky had begun to flood with colour as the sun crested over the mountains surrounding us. Alphinaud’s eyes grew wide in awe as we stood there, small snowflakes slowly covering our hair and shoulders in our distraction.
I turned to him as he beheld the sunrise, his eyes sparkling as his mouth curled with a smile. “I suppose I can’t deny tomorrow has begun now, can I?” I laughed as he admitted defeat, before returning to watching the sun make its way up the sky as I felt a firm grasp on my hand. My face immediately felt hot as it turned red, I had forgotten to let go of his hand all this time. I found myself glancing at him as his face lit up just as the sky had done before, feeling nervous as my heart thumped, very conscious of Alphinaud being beside me, our fingers remaining intertwined. I couldn’t understand why I felt so anxious. I hadn’t ever felt like this before, taking a deep breath to steady my heart before returning to watch the sun, the snow sparkling as it fell. For now I was just relieved to have Alphinaud steadily returning to us, whatever I was feeling could wait. Until tomorrow maybe.