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Fourteen days. It had been fourteen days since Carina Deluca had last seen or spoken to her wife. Two weeks since those screams had pierced her ears, since they had clawed themselves into her brain and wouldn’t leave. A parasite.
Every moment awake was tortuous, but any time she struggled to sleep was worse. The cruel words, the snarl, the voice of her wife she hardly recognized haunted her thoughts. Her fire fighter was a ghost. A spirit that had possessed Maya’s body, that made her say all those awful things. The emptiness, the hollow look in those eyes weren’t her wife. Maya had always gazed at her as though she had hung the world. A glistening sparkle danced around the sky blue of the irises, one an even deeper blue than the other. The Italian loved to watch those eyes darken, to watch the ocean waves rush through as each emotion just slightly changed the shade of sapphire. She could spend all day just observing the way Maya’s eyes changed, every nuance, every feeling. She could write novels about those eyes.
Maya had told her to leave, she knew it was a bluff. An ultimatum that Maya was reaching a panicked grasp toward that she didn’t mean. She was scared and trying to push Carina into a corner, to stay.
But Carina couldn’t stay. She had to leave. At least for now.
Of the times she had let her tears fall in the halls of this hospital, she didn’t think any of that pain could compare to this. She felt like someone had shoved a hand into her chest, and had squeezed her heart until it was nothing but a pile of dust. Crumbled, shattered little pieces she wasn’t sure she’d ever recover.
Fourteen days. It had been fourteen days since she walked out of the hospital. Since she had marched into the apartment she used to call home. It had felt as empty as her wife’s eyes for months. She packed a few bags and left. She had no idea where to go. She eventually ended up in a hotel. It’s not like she had anybody to turn to. She couldn’t go to Maya’s team, she had asked Andy to check in on the blonde. But that was as far as the contact would go. It didn’t feel right to turn to the blonde’s teammates. They were her team. Not hers.
She didn’t feel close enough to anyone at the hospital. Teddy had found her later in the day, and had assured her that she was there if needed. It made Carina’s heart feel a little lighter. But she couldn’t invade Teddy's life. Not when she had no plan for what she was doing.
Gabriella was on the other side of the world, busy with work and new research. Carina was rather sure the other woman would drop everything to fly to her. But once again she didn’t want to disturb someone else’s life. She’d have to call her eventually but right now, right now she had no energy.
Andrea. Well, Andrea was dead.
So she was alone. Again. She had no family to turn to. Her brother and Mamma, dead. Her father wanted nothing to do with her.
And Maya.
Maya was her family now. She had been for longer than Carina had ever realized. The moment she fell head over heels for one Captain Maya Bishop, she knew she was done for. Maya and her had built a life, a home, a safe place. A place of love, of caring, somewhere Carina could always run to when she needed to be held.
But right now Maya needed to be held, to be cared for. Her refusal to get help had pushed Carina away. She was at a loss of what to do. And then she thought she might collapse on the spot when Jack told her he had had to bring Maya in.
The 5150 was cruel, but there were no other options. Her wife would die if she walked out of that hospital. And that’s exactly what the blonde planned to do if let go. Carina couldn’t bear the thought.
She meant what she said as she left that room.
I’d rather lose you and have you be alive.
She couldn’t stand by anymore and watch Maya rip herself apart. She also needed her own space, her own time to think. She had no idea what state their relationship was in now.
Fourteen days, fourteen days since she had heard from her wife. She knew she was out of the hospital by now. Teddy had kept her updated.
Fourteen days since her entire life had blown up in her face, leaving nothing but the shrapnel of a life she longed for. A piece had lodged itself so deep into her chest she didn’t think she’d survive. The bleeding wound that nobody could stop. Her healer was her wife. And Maya couldn’t even heal her own mind and heart right now.
___
The vibration of her phone against her desk made Doctor Carina Deluca startle from her laptop. It had been two weeks since everything had happened and the brunette had had a long shift. Most of the day was filled with appointments, an emergency C-section, and she had a Mama in active labor right now. Jo was keeping an eye on her for now, instructed to retrieve Carina when it was time for the woman to deliver.
So the Italian had disappeared to her office, she worked on charts and was throwing around random ideas for new research. She had nothing else to occupy her time so maybe she’d start a new project.
She glanced over to her phone at the notification that lit up the screen. She furrowed her brow at the once familiar Ring app.
There is motion at your Front Door.
She felt a lump form in her throat at the thought. Besides Teddy informing her of when Maya was released, the doctor also knew she had made it home because of that same notification more than a week ago.
She didn’t let herself look that time but she knew her wife had been released after the seventy-two hour hold. At Carina’s request, Andy had been there to take Maya home. The little Ring symbol had lit up her phone that day as well.
For some reason it gave her a certain level of peace. She knew the blonde was home. The peace was quickly overwhelmed by nausea at the realization that Maya would’ve discovered the absence of her things. The disappearance of her clothes, of the suitcases. She had had to hold back tears at the dark thought that had crossed her mind.
What if Maya didn’t even care? What if she felt nothing for the fact that Carina had up and left?
She shook herself of those thoughts and looked back down to her phone. Her hand hovered over the device. Anxiety clawed its way up her throat, it hurt to swallow as she felt panicked. What did it mean? Had Maya left the apartment? What if she went for a run? All these questions made Carina’s skin crawl with worry.
The doctor couldn’t help but swipe her phone open. She made her way to the app to see what this detected motion was.
Dark eyes widened at the sight of someone standing in front of the door, patiently.
Dr. Diane Lewis. Carina had only met her in passing a couple of times through the station. She had really only heard about her, about the work she did for the department. How she had helped nineteen on multiple accounts through tragedies. Maya had once told Carina that Diane was the reason she had asked her on their first vacation. That she had given the blonde that push to try to rest and relax.
Carina wasn’t totally surprised that Diane was at their door. She figured that Maya would have to be cleared before she returned back to work. She felt a clench at her heart as she witnessed Diane react to the door opening.
The Italian clicked away from the feed, she didn’t want to hear her wife. She wasn’t sure what would hurt more.
Maya turning yet another person trying to help away. Or the blonde actually letting the therapist into their home.
Carina’s jaw clenched, her spine tensed at the thoughts that flooded her mind. She wanted Maya to get help, she wanted her wife to heal so badly. Her broken, sweet Maya was a shell of the person she knew.
But the brunette couldn’t chase away the consuming feeling that if Maya let the doctor in, she was doing it solely for the job. Her wife wasn’t stupid, she knew this sort of situation would call for her to be found mentally fit before she could step foot back in the station.
Carina knew that the blonde would be unable to bullshit her way out of the session. She knew how Diane handled the stubborn firefighters that came into her caseload everyday.
The Italian was grateful that something had come out of what she had done. She had offered numerous paths to Maya to go find help on her own. Carina refused to take blame that Maya had backed her into a corner. She wasn’t going to watch her wife destroy herself. So she had finally cracked and forced the help Maya needed onto her.
Even if her wife was able to start finding peace through her work with Diane, even if it meant the blonde could start to heal from a life of trauma. It didn’t mean Carina could just go running back. She needed to protect herself. She needed to set boundaries. Right now she had no reason to believe Maya would accept help for any other reason then to get back to work. She absolutely wasn’t doing it for the Italian, for their relationship, for their family they had so hoped for. Carina knew she wasn’t a priority to anyone in her life. She never had been.
The brunette had fooled herself for a while that Maya was different. That she was Maya’s one and only. Perhaps she had been, for an amount of time. But then came the demotion. Ever since then Maya had been spiraling. She was flailing to find something to steady herself back on the ground and the blonde had made it clear that Carina was not the tether she wanted to attach herself to.
So Carina set her phone, face down, back on the desk. She couldn’t take these thoughts right now. She knew they’d plague her restless sleep tonight in that cold hotel room. She found comfort that Maya was receiving help, god she hoped she was.
But until Maya came to her, proved to her that she wanted her. Wanted their marriage and their family. She’d stay away. She’d let her wife figure this out on her own. She’d grant the blonde the space she had longed for for months.
She was no one's priority, the thought would gouge its claws deep into her brain the rest of her life. She was certain.
___
It had been five weeks.. Five weeks since she had seen or spoken to her wife. She wasn’t sure how much longer she could take this. But the firefighter hadn’t reached out and she wasn’t sure that it was the best idea for her to call Maya.
More notifications had popped up on her phone in the last few weeks, she couldn’t help but feel some relief at the sight of Diane at the door every time.
Her wife was getting help, she was going through with the therapy. Even if it was to get back to work, the doctor didn’t really care. She had no idea if these sessions were actually helpful, if the blonde was actually working toward healing. But the regular appearance of Diane made Carina feel a little hopeful.
But the silence from Maya was making her doubt everything. Maybe they were done. Maybe she shouldn’t have left. But she couldn’t stay. That wasn’t an option at that moment. But should she have stayed away this long?
No. It had to be Maya, it had to be the other woman coming to her. Carina had to hold onto her boundary, even if it was eating her alive to not reach out to her wife.
She had no idea what she’d even do if she saw Maya. Her feelings were all over the place.
She loved her wife, she missed her wife.
But was that enough? Could their love hold them together? Did Maya even still love her? She had no idea. These were the thoughts that haunted her the most at night. Maya being alive was the most important thing to her. But if the Italian had truly lost the love of her life because she had chosen to save Maya’s life, she wasn’t sure how she’d come back from that.
She puffed out a deep sigh, Maya was all that occupied her brain in these spaces of silence. Made worse by the fact that she was currently in the station, doing inventory as usual. If she closed her eyes for a moment she could make herself imagine that Maya was just down the stairs waiting for her to go home.
That if she walked down those steps to the lobby, bright blue eyes would be drawn to her filled with so much love. Carina would intertwine their fingers as she’d lean down to press a gentle kiss to those soft lips. A secret giggle shared between the two as they would look forward to spending the next day together on their days off.
But that wasn’t reality.
The OB ran a hand through her brunette locks and continued on with her work. Her mind flitted to last week for a moment. She fought the urge to roll her eyes at the little show Jack and Ben had put on when she’d been here last.
A simple interaction with a patient and they had tried to spin a tale so far from the truth. Even if that patient had been flirting with her, the Italian had paid no attention. She was here to do a job and she’d be damned if she didn’t show that she cared for the people that came in here. Almost all of them were here because their life wouldn’t allow them to see a doctor at a hospital.
A pregnant patient coming into the clinic would always hold a soft spot in her heart. So after telling the two men off, mostly in Italian, they had backed off.
No matter what, she loved her wife deeply and nothing would change that unless she got direct communication that Maya didn’t want her anymore. That she didn’t want their marriage or their family.
Even then Carina couldn’t imagine herself moving on. Possibly ever.
The brunette pulled on her coat as she was leaving for the day. A quick goodbye to the team and she was walking out the door. She had tried to keep their interactions as professional as possible this last month or so. It didn’t feel right to be here unless she was focusing on her job. She didn’t speak to anyone unless it was about a patient or the clinic, she didn’t stay for meals, and she absolutely didn’t speak about Maya.
So far nobody had crossed her boundaries, except for the random comment from Andy about how her wife was doing alright.
The brunette walked through the parking lot, the chill night air had settled in as a shiver ran up her spine. She was distractedly looking through her purse slung over her shoulder for her car keys. So a certain blonde firefighter standing next to her car, looking nervous and almost like a lost puppy, had escaped her attention.
“Carina,” that husky tone was unmistakable to her as the Italian stopped in her tracks. The brunette looked up to see her wife just a few feet in front of her.
Maya was fiddling with her fingers as she shifted weight between her feet, clearly feeling just as frazzled at the first sight of Carina in over a month.
Those caramel pools couldn’t help but soften as her gaze fell upon Maya. She looked better. Better than she had in months. The pop of the blue made Carina’s heart beat wildly. She couldn’t remember the last time the dazzling sapphire looked so alive. The hollow, empty look was replaced with nothing but vulnerability. She almost resembled a small child, her eyes so wide as she took in Carina’s form.
The bruise had completely disappeared from her pale skin. The dark circles under her eyes, not as pronounced. Not totally gone, but Carina hoped she had gotten the rest she deserved.
The woman in front of her was starting to look more like her Maya.
“Carina?” this time the voice sounded worried, as Carina had just stared at her in silence.
“Oh,” the brunette said in surprise. “Hi,” she nearly whispered as the Italian stood a little straighter. Her shoulders pulled back as she kept a tight grip on the strap of her purse, her arm crossed over her chest in protection,
She had no idea how this was going to go. If Maya was about to rip her heart out again and stomp it into the ground.
“Hey,” Maya said back, she couldn’t help the adorable grin that crossed her face. It felt amazing to see her wife in person for the first time in so long.
“What… what are you doing here?” Carina stuttered out as she bit down on her lip.
“I wanted to apologize,” Maya said. Carina looked down at the ground for a second before she went to speak. But the blonde cut her off. “Can I… um, can I just talk first? Please? I just… I don’t know if I’ll be able to get all of this out if I don’t do it in one go,” Maya rambled as her brow furrowed. Her nerves were rattling around in her body.
Carina hesitates for a moment but she nods. She knows that’s how Maya’s brain works best when she needs to talk. The fact that Maya wanted to talk at all was a good sign, right? Dio mio , she hoped so.
“I’m sorry, god I’m sorry for everything,” Maya began. “Not just for that night at the hospital, but for the last seven or eight months,” the blonde took a breath to try to regain her composure. She had so much she wanted to get out.
“I didn’t mean any of it, I should've never brought up Andrew. That was the worst thing I could’ve done, I know that,” the blonde said. “So I’m sorry, for all of it,” Maya took a step closer to her wife.
“And I’m getting help, maybe you already know that,” the woman’s brow furrowed in that cute way as the thought dawned on her. “I’m seeing Diane, once a week right now. You were right,” Maya let out a chuckle that held no real humor. “You were always right and I should’ve listened to you,” she gazed up into Carina’s eyes for a moment. “It’s helping, a lot actually. I… I’ve been able to get out a lot of unresolved feelings… about my life, my Dad, the demotion, everything,” her voice cracked with emotion.
“I’m healing. My three year old self is healing,” Maya let slip. Carina tilted her head as she stared at her wife in wonder.
“Your three year old self?” she asked gently, she couldn’t help but interrupt at that. Maya’s mouth popped open as she looked down in embarrassment. She hadn’t meant to talk about that yet, but the cat was out of the bag.
“Yea um… Diane, she made me realize that um…” Maya struggled to explain as she frowned.
“Take your time, bambina ,” Carina whispered to her, she couldn’t help the pet name that slipped out. Maya nodded and took another deep breath.
“I was three,” Maya started. “I was three when I realized that my father’s love was conditional. That losing wasn’t an option,” the blonde said before she chanced a look at Carina. The Italian was listening intently so she carried on.
“Winning meant that I was surviving so… when I started losing I didn’t know what to do,” Maya’s voice shook with emotion. “When I was demoted, when I wasn’t sure if I wanted kids with you even though we figured that out, when Ross wouldn’t give me a proper hearing, every time that pregnancy test came back negative. All these things kept piling on and I… I spiraled. And I ran, I pushed forward. Eyes forward was the only thing I knew how to do, the only thing that had worked before when I got off course. If I kept pushing forward,” Maya paused for a moment. “Then maybe I’d start winning again. But it didn’t work.”
Carina bit down hard on her lip at that admittance. At all these things that were spilling out of her wife. The brunette felt overwhelmed by it all. But most of all her heart hurt for the woman in front of her.
“I know now that it wasn’t working. Me pushing myself like that doesn’t work,” Maya shook her head. “Anyway I… like I said I’m going to therapy. I’m getting help,” the blonde said again, she wanted to get that across to Carina. She was getting help.
“And… and I love you. I love you so much Carina Deluca,” Maya said as she took another step toward her wife, grateful when she didn’t move away. “I… I don’t want to lose you. To lose us. Or our family. I want that, I want a little you in my arms,” the firefighter let a smile spread across her face at the image. She’d never tire of the thought of holding a tiny little baby in her arms. Brunette curls, that little sloped nose, and those the most beautiful pair of brown eyes you’d ever see.
“I know I messed up, I messed up so badly. But I love you,” Maya’s voice cracked on the last sentence as tears gathered in her eyes. She puffed out a shaky breath as she looked down at her feet for a moment. “And I want to fix this,” she let those last words come out as a whisper that Carina could just barely hear.
The two of them stood there in the crisp Seattle air, the city had quieted as it was already late in the evening. The Italian studied the woman in front of her for a few moments before she breathed in deeply.
“Maya,” she whispered and let her eyes close for a moment. “I… I don’t know what to say,” she admitted softly.
The blonde looked away as her heart was hammering in her ears. “You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to,” Maya murmured softly, terrified of the possibility that Carina could just tell her to go away. That she never wanted to see her again, she couldn’t blame her for that.
“I’m glad you’re getting help,” the brunette said with a soft smile. “I’m proud of you for sticking with it,” Carina couldn’t help but reach out. She let her fingers ghost gently against Maya’s knuckles. The caramel pools lingered on their hands for a moment before trailing back up to look at her wife fully.
“I just… I need time Maya,” she said and let her head tilt to the side.
She could see the blonde try to swallow at the lump that had surely formed in her throat, tears pricked at those baby blues.
“That’s not a no, bella ,” Carina took a step closer to the woman. “It’s just a lot right now, you’ve been through a lot the last few weeks,” the Italian let her other hand cup Maya’s cheek.
“So have you,” Maya choked out. “Because of me,” she got out a dry chuckle and shook her head, her brow furrowed.
Carina sighed and nodded. She couldn’t deny it, if they were going to start anew then there would be no lies. No holding back on feelings.
“You’re working on yourself and that’s all I care about,” delicate fingers slid against Maya’s strong jaw.
“But I want you to come home,” Maya spoke, her voice so vulnerable. “I… I miss you,” the blonde struggled to get out as tears finally fell.
“I miss you too,” Carina assured her. “But I need time, I need to figure things out. And I want to give you space,” she stroked her thumb against a damp cheek. She knew that this close physical contact wasn’t the best option, but the touch calmed her wife. And she didn’t want her to spiral into some sort of panic attack. Those screams still haunted her.
The frown etched on Maya’s face indicated her unhappiness but she nodded.
“Ok… ok. I understand,” the blonde whispered. “I wouldn’t be sure of me either,” Maya couldn’t help but let the self doubt creep in. The self hatred, she had run off the love of her life.
“Maya Bishop,” Carina said forcefully. The tone made Maya’s back straighten as she looked up at her wife with wide eyes.
“I love you,” the brunette said as she gazed right into those sapphire eyes. “I just need time. You… you hurt me, a lot,” Carina said clearly and tears gathered in the corners of her own eyes. “And I hope we can fix this. Together,” she cupped her face with both hands now.
Maya breathed in the scent of her wife, relaxed into her gentle hold. She let herself revel in the feelings for a moment before the comfort was ripped away once more.
“Together,” Maya repeated back in a whisper. “I can do that… give you time I mean,” the blonde said. “I promise, I’ll do anything,” Maya said almost desperately.
“Just… get better, bambina , Per favore,” Carina let the Italian slip out. “And not for me,” the doctor said as she stared hard into those eyes. “For you, I want you to get better for you,” she knew how Maya’s brain worked.
“But… I’m also doing it for you,” a small pout formed on Maya’s face. “For me, and you, and us,” Maya said determinedly.
“Heal for yourself Maya, for that little three year old,” Carina whispered to her and let one of her hands run down to lay against Maya’s chest. The steady beat of her heart made butterflies flutter around in her tummy. “Prove that to me, bambina,” Carina said softly.
“Until then… I’ll give you space,” the Italian said and pressed their foreheads together for a moment. She allowed her hands to drop away but pressed a soft kiss to the blonde’s cheek. Maya silently let Carina slip into her Porsche.
The firefighter looked on as the car pulled out of the parking lot, a hand pressed to her cheek. Where the softest lips set her skin aflame. She’d do anything to feel those lips against hers again. To hold her wife close. Absolutely anything.
___
It had been five weeks. Five weeks since she had left the love of her life screaming in a hospital room. She hadn’t seen or spoken to her in that entire time.
Until tonight.
Carina drove back to the hotel room in silence. The dark roads, illuminated by the warm glow of bent street lamps.
The car slowed to a stop at the change of a light, the red lit up the brunette’s face. Her dark eyes focused, but her lips curled in the slightest of smiles.
A smile that meant everything. A smile that meant Maya was willing to fight for them.
For her.
It would be a long, hard journey back to normal. Back to a new normal, but their love was unbreakable. Their love was worth not giving up on. And Maya still wanted that.
They needed time, they needed to heal. Right now Carina had decided that it was the most healthy to do that separately. It hurt, but the brunette knew in the long run it would be for the best.
But they would be fine, eventually.
The moment her gaze connected with those sapphire eyes, those eyes that could make her heart practically leap out of her chest, she knew they’d be alright.
Maya was there, and she was getting help. It was small, but the spark of hope had lit something in her chest.
The warmth spread throughout her body, like a comforting fire that crackled among the wooden logs. Flames danced along.
It was the beginning of something new.
They would be fine. Their love was everything.
She could take five weeks of silence, if it meant she’d get the rest of her life with her love.