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Whoever said money can make anything possible hasn't had their heartbroken. If so they wouldn't have made such a preposterous statement. And if it had made anything possible then Prapai would have used all the money he had just so he wouldn't have to go through this over and over again.
He's staring at the entrance of the new club. They were supposed to have a date night today yet he's here all alone.
He remembers everything even though all he felt was this numbness coursing through him, this emptiness that he shouldn't be used to, but he is. The reality that he has been through this 4 times already should have taught him something but there he was going through the same thing yet again. He remembers walking through the door, calling out for them knowing they should have been home late that night, he remembers setting down the newly bought flowers that he handpicked by the counter, a second passed and then he heard the unmistakable sound of a moan and he knew. He just knew.
He remembers walking out the door and sitting by the door in the corridor waiting for them to come out. He must have looked pathetic. Who waits by the door while their partner is cheating on them with a faceless stranger. He remembers how he was stubbornly willing himself not to look up when that stranger left his apartment, not wanting to put a face to his failures. He remembers walking back inside and facing them and knew that he wouldn't be getting any apologies or any explanations but even then he asked "Why?" Could they hear his heart breaking, his barely healed heart shattering all over again. Do they even care?
They didn't look the least bit remorseful. But he knew the answers anyway. The same words, repeated over and over again by different people in the past. "You are extreme Prapai. You are overwhelming Prapai. You are too much Prapai." How can loving someone be 'too much'. Prapai didn't understand. But this time he was careful. He learnt his lessons the last 3 times so he was careful this time. He only bought flowers just for special occasions, he planned surprises only after making sure they would be okay with it. He over thought each and every action of his so they won't run away. But it wasn't enough.
It still wasn't enough to make them stay. He - still wasn't enough to make them stay.
He remembers packing a bag and leaving not knowing where to go. He is in a strange land with strange language that should have been his second home by now but without his family nearby how can this place be home. He remembers walking with no destination, wanting to disappear for the time being, wanting to run away from this pain that he is oh so familiar with. He's tired. He's just so tired of looking for that person who would just love him. Who would accept him for who he is and not who he pretends to be just so they would stay. Will he ever find someone like that?
Someone who won't break his fragile heart and keep it safe if he were to give it to them.
He walks away from the club and takes a taxi to the nearest hotel. It is enough for the night knowing that come morning he would be walking back to an empty apartment with half empty dressers and no tangible evidence of another person who occupied the last couple of months.He doesn't quite remember how he reached the hotel bar or how he got the drink that looks like something that came out of a juice box.
"You alright there sir" the bartender asks him out of politeness he assumes.
Prapai takes a second to respond not wanting to be rude, that's not how his mother taught him.
"Oh I am fine, y'know just peachy I suppose. I mean ..." He exhales. "How does one feel after finding out their partner is cheating on them in their own apartment" Prapai continues "That's a rhetorical question by the way, you don't have to answer that".
"Oh I wasn't going to." The bartender replies back.
Prapai huffs out a laugh. " You know you remind me of my best friend" Prapai says thinking of Payu - the one person who he would have given anything to just to have by his side now.
"Then he must be quite handsome" The bartender responds back cheekily.
"That he is" Prapai has to agree. " Maybe he would have some answers for me, he's smart like that. Knows exactly what to say and when to say." Prapai says
"What do you think he would have said now, if he was here?" The bartender asks him.
Prapai takes a moment to think about it. To remember what Payu said over the phone miles away, last time Prapai found himself in the same situation.
"He would have said they didn't deserve me anyway and that I was too good for them. And that one day I will meet the right person who would make all this worth it." Prapai recalls that conversation word for word.
"You said he's smart right? Maybe he's right." The bartender suggests.
"Maybe." Prapai accepts knowing that there's nothing else he could do.
"But you know what I think" The bartender continues "I don't think we deserve to go through this pain just because a certain person in the future would make us forget all that we have been through. Because we won't forget it, not really - as it becomes a part of us."
"I think when the right person comes, and we know that we are safe with them we would be the best version of ourselves unapologetically. And realize that the love we had before is nothing compared to what we are capable of now." He concludes with a smile tinged with a hint of sadness like he was going through a memory.
Prapai takes a moment to imprint those words into his mind so that when the nights are lonely he has something to hold onto.
"Thank you" Prapai whispers. He leaves a big tip for them, for having to listen to a stranger pour their heart out.
Two weeks later he walks into a new fully furnished apartment with two suitcases filled with only the things that he can't part with leaving the rest for donations. A moment later there is a knock on the door, upon opening he's met with a potted sunflower as bright as the sun.
"Welcome to the neighborhood, it's a small gift. My mum owns a sunflower garden. She says it can also mean new beginnings, which I didn't find on the internet but mum always says that the internet is not to be trusted which is not fair because she uses that for everything but when I point out any mistake then the internet is bad. I think she just doesn't want to be wrong you know, adults are weird like that." The little girl continues on and Prapai worries if she will pass out anytime now.
"Thank you." Prapai interrupts, wanting the girl to take a breath. "I really appreciate it" and he realizes that he actually means it. He takes the plant and before he could ask her name she's already running away. Prapai shakes his head and smiles softly remembering his little sister. He takes the potted plant and places it by the window facing the sun and the room feels brighter somehow. For the first time since that night Prapai looks forward to the next day.
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A year later, standing under the harsh track lights surrounded by people of all kinds Prapai sees him for the first time. He feels his heart skip a beat. In that one second everything disappears and it's just this boy. The boy who holds the galaxies in his eyes. And Prapai hopes maybe this time it would be different. Hoping and Praying that he could be enough for this boy. That he could - just - be enough.
One last time.