Work Text:
It all started with a barnyard animal book.
How does the revelation of family secrets start with the most innocuous things? And of all innocuous things it was a barnyard book.
Grace had flown up from San Diego with her three-year-old daughter, Morgan. The two of them were spending the weekend with Aunt Fran and Uncle Max. Using any excuse to celebrate, the Sheffields invited everyone over for a big dinner.
Like we needed an invitation, Eric thought, joining everyone in the living room after the meal. He and his sister, Emma had lived next door to their pseudo-cousins, Eve and Jonah, their whole lives. The four of them constantly traipsed back and forth between the two homes. The kids always entered without fanfare…or knocking.
At the moment, Grace was seated on the floor, reading an animal book to Morgan. Eric thought it was funny she’d chosen farm animals, considering no one in the family had ever been remotely close to a farm.
While everyone was in conversation with each other, people would occasionally chime in with their own barnyard impressions, much to Morgan’s delight. Dad made pretty good dog sounds and Uncle Max could moo with the best of them. When Aunt Fran tried to cluck like a chicken, she sounded like a bird in its death throes and everyone winced.
Grace laughed. “I don’t think that’s what a chicken sounds like.”
“Well, I’m better at eating chicken than sounding like one,” Aunt Fran retorted.
Emma looked up from her conversation with Eve. “C’mon, someone has to be able to cluck like a chicken.”
“You mean a chicken that doesn’t sound like its being slaughtered,” Mom muttered under her breath.
That’s when Dad chimed in. “I think CC can cluck like a chicken,” he said offhandedly.
Mom whipped her head to Dad, giving him a rather malicious look; and not her usual shrewd look. No right now, she looked liked she wanted to put him in the garbage disposal.
“Excuse me?” she said sharply.
Grace looked over at Mom. “I didn’t know you could do animal noises.”
“I can’t,” Mom replied sharply. “My husband is sorely mistaken. And if he wants to remain alive, he will realize his mistake and he will keep his mouth shut.”
“Whatever, you say dumpling.” Eric bit back a laugh when Dad winked at Mom.
“Oooookay,” Aunt Fran said. “How about we show Morgan what a pig sounds like?”
Before Dad could open his mouth, Mom tugged hard on his ear. “Not a word, Rochester.”
********
“What was up with the stink eye your Mom gave your Dad?” Eve asked when the four teenagers were hanging out in the basement, watching TV while the adults talked.
“Yeah,” Emma chimed in. “She wanted to kill him. Even more than usual.”
Eric shrugged. “I have no idea. Mom has always gotten a little edgy when someone mentions chicken. But this was weirder than usual.”
“It’s not like she has a problem playing with Morgan,” Jonah said. “I heard Aunt C.C. reading her a bedtime story last night and she did funny voices and everything.”
“No, this was totally something different.” Eric stretched his arm on the back of the couch. “Like Dad was keeping some big secret that Mom didn’t want everyone to know about.”
“It’s not like we haven’t heard all the stories about the embarrassing things they did to each other,” Emma said. “Like when Mom walked in on Dad dancing in his underwear or when Dad tripped Mom with a dog leash.”
“Yeah, your parents are totally weird,” Eve snickered.
Raising his eyebrows, Eric considered his friend. “You really want to get into that?”
Before Eve could reply, Emma jumped in. “Anyway, I want to know what this is about. Mom was pretty serious about keeping Dad was quiet. You know it’s gotta to be big.”
Jonah scoffed. “It’s not like you can ask them. You know they’ll never tell.”
“So that’s why we talk to your parents,” Eric looked at the twins. “Your folks have got to know. They spent a lot of time with them before they were all married.”
“Yeah, but you can’t ask when your parents around,” Eve pointed out. “I think my Mom is still kinda scared of your mom.”
Nodding, Eric scratched his head in thought. “Then we’ll ask them when they’re alone.
********
The opportunity came on the following Tuesday. Uncle Max came by the high school to pick everyone up after their respective activities (unfortunately neither Eric nor the twins had been successful into wheedling their parents into buying them a car). Emma was already in the car having been picked up first from the junior high school. Uncle Max popped the back of the back of the SUV so they could pile in their stuff. Jonah had his gym bag full of baseball equipment; Eric, his guitar case; and Eve somehow had the most stuff with her cheerleading bag.
When they were all settled in the car, Uncle Max pulled out of the parking lot. “How was school?” he asked.
Jonah gave a wordless grumble; Eve merely shrugged; Emma sighed; and Eric just gave a “meh.”
“Well, I’m glad everyone had a pleasant day,” Uncle Max said dryly.
He glanced back at Eric through the rearview mirror. “As I was telling your sister, your father is helping a teacher at the culinary school and your mother is at the studio and will home late so you two can just have dinner with us tonight.”
Perfect, Eric grinned. “Okay, that sounds great.”
“Jerry said he would be making chicken marsala tonight.”
Eric couldn’t hold back his grin. Could this be any more perfect?
“So, um…” Eric began nonchalantly. “You’ve known Mom and Dad a long time right?”
Uncle Max cast him a questioning look. “Yes…”
“And you’ve know they’ve done a lot of crazy things to each other?”
“Eric, you don’t know the half of your parents’ strange relationship.”
“Exactly!” Emma exclaimed. “So what’s the deal with the chicken thing?”
“Yeah, did he hypnotize her into clucking like a chicken at a show or something?” Eric asked.
Uncle Max just shook his head. “I have no idea. Though I do know he gave her a rubber chicken for her birthday a long time ago and she threw a vase at him.”
Slumping back in his seat, Eric sighed as he crossed his arms. Uncle Max was a bust. He was formulating a new plan when Eve leaned over from her seat next to him.
“You know the only person who would appreciate your dad’s jokes on your mom is my mom,” she murmured. “Let’s ask her tonight.”
********
It wasn’t that Eric and Emma couldn’t stay home alone; they had been by themselves several times before. Aunt Fran absolutely hated the idea of her kids or Eric and Emma eating dinner alone. She insisted the kids be with one of the families. Eric and Emma went home to change out of their school uniforms before heading next door.
Jonah and Eric went to the kitchen to get a snack before heading to the basement for video games. Luckily the Sheffields’ butler, Jerry, had a large plate of crackers and cheese for the boys.
“Hello, ravenous wolves,” Jerry greeted them warmly as Eric and Jonah gave a wordless hello, having already stuffed their mouths with food.
When they got downstairs, Eric was relieved to see they were alone. Hopefully that meant Eve and Emma would be in Eve’s room gossiping about whatever.
Twenty minutes later, Aunt Fran had come in while they were engrossed in Halo.
Sitting next to Jonah, Aunt Fran grinned widely. “Hello, boys.”
Jonah and Eric both mumbled hello’s without taking their eyes off the screen.
“Is that any way to greet your mother and most favorite aunt in the whole world without having seen her all day?”
Hitting the pause button, Jonah gave his mother a huge sarcastic smile. “Hi, mother dearest. How are you?”
Aunt Fran ignored him, smacking a big kiss on his cheek. Eric laughed until she did the same thing to him. Both boys had bright red lip prints on their cheeks.
“Are there any more cheese and crackers upstairs?” Jonah asked.
Aunt Fran cocked her head. “Jerry said he gave you two a brick of cheese and a box of crackers.”
Eric shrugged. “We’re still hungry.”
“Oy, thankfully we don’t live in a gingerbread house. You two would eat everything down to the foundation.”
Jonah scoffed. “Like you and Grandma wouldn’t help with that.” That earned him a light smack to the back of the head.
“What was that for?!” Jonah whined. “I’ve heard you and Dad say worse to each other!”
Snorting, Eric put his controller down next to him. “That’s nothing compared to what my parents say to each other.”
“And yet under that hostility and insults and pranks, there is some sort of undying love between your parents.” Aunt Fran shook her head. “Somewhere between Niles purposing misspelling CC’s last name in the newspaper and CC taking his favorite feather duster, they declared they were soul mates.”
“Soooo, speaking of Mom and Dad’s epic prank war…” Eric started. “Do you know what the deal with Mom hating chicken sounds?”
“Eric, I have tried to get your father to confess what he did for years, but his lips remain tighter than Miley Cyrus’s pants. One time I made the mistake of asking your mother.” Aunt Fran grimaced. “She said if I ever asked her again, she would tie me up and make me watch as she burned all of the sweets in the house. I have never asked since.”
********
“Well this whole thing has been as bust.”
Eric, Jonah, Eve, and Emma sat in the living room after dinner. Emma and Eve took the couch directly in front of the television while Jonah and Eric sat perpendicular to them.
Eve tucked her feet under her. “Whatever your dad did, it must have been pretty bad.”
Emma nodded. “Yeah. By denying Dad bragging rights to whatever he did, he essentially won. She never lets Dad win anything. Ever. And that must kill her.”
“I talked to Grace before she left and she had no idea,” Eve added. “And I texted Maggie and Brighton and they knew nothing either.”
“Well, someone in the family has to know something about this secret,” Jonah grumbled.
Just then Yetta shuffled into the living room. She lived the backyard guest house with Sylvia and Morty. “I know what secret you’re talking about,” Yetta announced.
“You do?!?!” The four kids exclaimed at the same time.
“Oh yeah. One time Sylvia was the flower girl in Cousin Howard’s wedding; ate the top tier of the cake right off before the bride and groom could cut into it. Even ate the plastic cake toppers too. Then there was the time Franny tried to wax her eyebrows and took ‘em right off. She had to draw her eyebrows in for her senior prom, but it fooled no one. Then Morty tried to-”
“Yetta, Yetta,” Jonah gently interrupted. “Do you know about Uncle Niles’ secret? Something about Aunt CC and clucking like a chicken?”
“Oh of course I do!” Yetta exclaimed. “One time Miss Babcock was setting up a nice dinner and thought Max had come in, but it wasn’t Max, it was the male maid. She told him she was his and she’d do anything he wanted.” Yetta hit Eric’s shoulder and leaned in. “Apparently the male maid told her to cluck like a chicken and she did it. I tell you the two of them are into some weird stuff. In my day it was lace and whipped cream. Now people want to play ‘Old McDonald.’”
And with that Yetta shuffled through the swinging door into the kitchen, leaving four stunned children in her wake.
Emma sucked in a breath. “O…M…G. Can you believe what she said?!”
Jonah looked as if he wanted to vomit. “No! I didn’t need to know about the ‘lace and whipped cream’ part.”
Eve burst out laughing, clutching her sides. “This is fantastic! Eric, your dad is an evil genius!”
“I know, right?!?!” Eric shouted with excitement. “I can’t believe he got her to do it. That means Dad had totally struck a big blow in their war. Oh man, wait till we tell-”
But Eric’s thought ended when the front door slammed open. Turning around he blanched at the sight of his mother…with the same evil eye she gave his father the past weekend.
Everyone’s smiles immediately disappeared. Eric swallowed hard. “Hi, Mo-om,” his voice squeaked as bad as when he was going through puberty. “You’re home early. How was your day?”
“Oh my day was dandy,” she said, eerily calm as her high heels clicked on the hardwood floor, walking slowly toward them. She stood between the two couches. “And then I come to see my beautiful children, and over hear a little story from darling Yetta.”
Jonah and Eve averted eye contact at the mention of their great-grandmother’s name. Emma remained stone still, not daring to so much as let her mouth twitch.
“Mom, Yetta babbles a lot of things, it’s hard to know what the truth is,” Eric babbled. “Most of what she says is probably nonsense.”
Mom pinned him with a particularly scary stare. “You’re right. Most of what she says is nonsense. So NONE of you will be breathing a word of what you heard. Correct?”
Everyone nodded vigorously.
“Good,” Mom went on in that same nice-but-deadly voice. “Because if the four of you, say anything about this, to any one, ever, I’ll make sure you never see your high school graduation.”
Just then Aunt Fran followed Uncle Max in with a tray laden with a giant pile of chocolate chip cookies and several glasses of milk.
“Oh hi, CC,” Aunt Fran’s voice went up a few octaves when she was particularly happy to see someone. “We were just about to have dessert, would you like to join us?”
“I believe I would,” she replied sweetly, settling next to Eric and he nearly broke out into a cold sweat.
“So…” Aunt Fran began passing out glasses. “What are we talking about?”
“Nothing!”
“Zilch!”
“Zero!”
“Not anything!”
Aunt Fran’s brow furrowed. “You kids get weirder every day.”
After passing out milk and cookies for everyone, Uncle Max settled into the chair across the coffee table from Jonah, Eric, and Mom. Unfortunately he picked up on the fact that Jonah was staring absently into space, not eating his food.
“Are you all right there, Jonah?”
“Yeah,” Agreeing, Aunt Fran perched on Uncle Max’s lap. “Usually you’re covered in crumbs before the rest of us have had our first bite.”
“Fine! I’m fine!” Jonah answered in a panic. “Nothing to tell here!”
Eric mentally slapped his head; Jonah wasn’t any good under pressure. Hopefully he and Emma could wolf down their dessert and get out of here. At least they had more practice with dealing with Mom’s threats.
There was a knock at the door followed by, “Hello, hello.”
No such luck.
“Niles! Come in!” Aunt Fran enthused. “Join us! We were just having dessert with the kids.
“Hello, family.” Dad inclined his head to Eric and Emma. The before sitting next to Mom, he added, “And CC.”
“Har, har, Scrubbing Bubbles,” Mom deadpanned.
Accepting some cookies from Aunt Fran, Dad sat by Mom. “You’re looking particularly evil this evening. Make any actors wet their pants today?”
“Just us,” Eric muttered.
Mom whipped her head to him. “What did you say?!”
He merely shrugged. “Nothing.” But Mom caught the twinkle in Eric’s eyes.
Dad didn’t miss the comment either. “My dear wife, are you not only tormenting our children, but also Eve and Jonah? Only particularly vindictive animals also eat other litters beside their own.”
There were simultaneous yells of “Dad!” and “Uncle Niles!”
Mom gave Dad a sweet smile. “You know, Niles, you might want to slow down on the cookies. You don’t want to fatten up like a swine.”
Dad put down the cookie slowly, before pursing lips, and taking deep, controlled breaths through his nose.
“What the heck is that about?!” Eric shouted.