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Jinyoung wakes up to darkness and arms wrapped around him.
From the moment his tired eyes scanned across the room and watched as the curtains lightly swayed from the wind of the open windows, he already knew it would take a while for him to fall asleep again. If he can, at all.
There are those nights where his heart feels heavy, like it's an overwhelming weight pulling him down to the ground and pinning him down to the bed so he could not escape from the lies, the whispers echoing off the walls of his head. And then there are those nights where the beating of his own heart is too much to bear, as though it's an incessant drumming playing over and over again like a haunting melody — those nights where he wants to tear apart his own skin and hide from the world, from the stares, from the invisible eyes watching him from the corners of the room.
Tonight is the latter, and as Jinyoung takes a shaky breath against his cold lips, the uncomfortable tingling underneath his skin was becoming a much too loud noise, a much too agonizing feeling that's grown way too familiar over the years.
Why? Why?
Why does he have to feel so unclean and unsafe in his own being?
He feels the arms of his lovers wrapped around his waist and back pull him closer ever so slightly, and for a moment Jinyoung wonders if he even deserves that kind of unconditional love. He doesn't know what Yugyeom and Jaebeom saw in him amidst all of his imperfections and fading scars on his arms.
He doesn't know why they love him so much when almost everyone in his life before treated him like he wasn't even there, like he never existed in their eyes, like he wasn't interesting enough to be their friend, to be loved.
He was fine with that for a while.
But now everything is rushing back in, like there's water seeping in through the cracks of the glass he's been desperately trying to hold onto.
And everything comes back in crashing waves — all of his flaws, all the pity-filled stares, all the imaginary eyes watching him from the corridors, all the loneliness, the isolation, the feeling of not being wanted — and Jinyoung realizes that maybe no one will ever love him if he's not perfect.
No one will love you if you're not perfect.
It's the same words that 17-year-old him had been convinced of, the same words his brain would keep repeating to him as he glances at the group of friends at the front of the classroom.
No one will love you if you're not perfect.
With tears in his eyes and a sob stuck in his throat, Jinyoung turns around slowly and meets Yugyeom's sleeping face, then turns around again to look at Jaebeom sleeping soundly beside him.
So why? Why?
"Hm? Jinyoungie?" There's a bit of a shuffle around the bed, and when Jinyoung blinks, Jaebeom's looking at him with a confused face amidst the darkness of the room. "Why are you up?"
His voice was barely above a whisper — just enough to wake Yugyeom up and have him asking what's going on as well — but when the sob makes it way out of his throat and tears comes spilling from his eyes silently, there's scarcely a moment before his two lovers are holding him gently and asking what's wrong.
"There's just—" Jinyoung sniffles, burying his face against Jaebeom's chest and feeling Yugyeom's warm arms wrap around him from his back.
"Shh, it's okay— hey ." Jaebeom gently removes Jinyoung's hands away from his arm, eyebrows furrowed in worry at the irritated skin from the younger's relentless scratching, mixing in together with all the faint scars amidst his wrist. "Hey, it's okay."
Nothing was okay.
Because how could a dirty, tainted being like him be treated with such fondness and gentleness when he's far from being perfect? From being lovable ?
They don't know of all the nights he spent alone, digging his nails into his arms until he bled. They don't know of all the times he hid in the bathroom with a razor in his pocket. They don't know of all the days he used that blade and watched as the blood pooled around his wrist.
Even when he told them he'd stop, he didn't.
Because the stinging and burning of his own skin was just too addicting, too intoxicating. Because it was the only way he could punish himself for not being perfect.
But why does it still hurt so much ?
Why does it feel like he's creating a bigger hole of flaws then patching it up with his own blood?
He feels disgusting .
There's a hand on his own, tracing imaginary lines and shapes across the smooth skin, and another on his face, wiping away the tears staining his cheeks. And for a moment, he allows himself to bask in the warm hands tracking along his skin, in the silent love they were giving him, in the intimacy of it all even in the dim lights, and—and he wanted it. He wanted to be loved, even though he knew he didn't deserve it, and it spurs a sickening feeling at the pit of his stomach even more.
Disgusting. You're disgusting.
“You're so beautiful, Jinyoung. So, so beautiful,” Jaebeom whispers, kissing the corners of his eyes. Yugyeom hums in agreement, kissing his hair softly and tracing circles over his chest.
Jinyoung doesn't know if he said that out loud, or if they just knew what he was thinking, but those simple words made a fresh wave of tears spill from his eyes and sobs tumble from his lips. He's shaking, muttering incoherent words, and he's crying all over again.
Somehow they always know how to ground him, to comfort him, even without a single word coming from him.
“...the prettiest. You really are the prettiest, hyung.” Yugyeom was saying, running his hand through Jinyoung’s hair.
And Jinyoung cries harder — the kind of cry that claws at your chest until you can barely breathe over the relentless sobs wracking your whole body. The kind of cry that leaves you feeling breathless and tired like you'd just ran a hundred miles.
He cries through the gentle words of his lovers, through their butterfly kisses across his skin, and through their warm touches lingering throughout his exhausted body. It seemed like an endless moment and it felt like forever before his body wasn't shaking anymore from the cries spilling through his lips.
And when the sobs did subside, there's a feeling of fatigue coursing through him as he lies there in the bed, shame crashing through him and washing away the previous feeling of disgust towards himself.
"I'm sorry, guys," Jinyoung says softly, sniffling.
Jaebeom's hand immediately came to wipe the tears in Jinyoung's eyes, shushing him. "Don't. Don't apologize."
"It's just so stupid…" Jinyoung mutters, fiddling his hands at the hem of Jaebeom's shirt.
"It's not," Yugyeom reaches out and takes Jinyoung's hand, gently running his fingers through the skin. "It will never be. We'll always be here for you, Jinyoung-hyung."
The simple words make Jinyoung tear up again, but despite it all, he manages a small smile. "I love you guys. I still…sometimes wonder why you guys love me so much, or if I even deserve it at all." His voice trails off towards the end, unsure. "What did you guys see in me?"
Yugyeom places a kiss atop Jinyoung's head. "Everything you can't see, hyung. And if only you could see yourself in our eyes, you'd see just how beautiful and amazing you are."
"That's why we're here to remind you of that," Jaebeom adds, brushing away the strands of hair that had fallen across Jinyoung's eyes. Even in the darkness, Jinyoung's eyes were looking up at him, all sad and teary. "Until the day that you see how amazing you really are, Jinyoung. And how you deserve all the love this world has to offer."
Jinyoung sniffles, burying his head against Jaebeom's chest. Jaebeom rubs his back while Yugyeom traces circles across his chest as Jinyoung cries silently. "I love you guys, s-so much."
"We love you too, hyung. So much." Yugyeom said, with so much sincerity and love that it makes Jinyoung's heart flutter.
Despite the fatigue in his body, his heart feels a bit lighter.
"Sleep for now, Jinyoungie," Jaebeom said, pulling him just a little bit closer. Jinyoung simply nods and closes his eyes amidst the darkness, feeling safe in his lovers' arms.
It was quiet the next morning as Jinyoung sat cuddled up on the couch, the aroma of brewing coffee and eggs being fried lingering through the air. Rays of sunlight were seeping through the cracks of the window as Jinyoung fought back a yawn, pulling the blankets closer.
He'd insisted on helping his boyfriends cook breakfast, but one look at him and they immediately ushered him towards the sofa. He guessed it's probably because of the bags under his eyes and for the fact that the tiredness was still settling heavily in his bones. Waking up after crying so much is always so tiring.
Eventually, Jaebeom and Yugyeom comes out of the kitchen carrying a plate of sunny side up eggs and a couple cups of coffee.
"Here, Nyoung," Jaebeom says with a smile, setting the dishes on the table, and the two of them sat down next to Jinyoung.
"Thank you," Jinyoung manages a small smile, sipping on the warm coffee. They ate in a comfortable silence, the gentle hum of the fridge filling the quiet air.
"Don't we have rehearsals today?" Jinyoung asks, glancing at the two once breakfast was over. The idea of having to dance today through the fatigue was not at all pleasant, but Jinyoung also didn't want to hold back the rest of the group just because of his breakdown last night.
"Yeah, but it's okay. We can reschedule once you feel better," Jaebeom smiles warmly at him.
"But—"
Yugyeom wraps a hand around Jinyoung's shoulder before he could finish that sentence, pulling him close. "It's okay. I'm sure the others wouldn't want you to practice in this condition, either. Hell, I don't even think they'll let you inside the studio."
Jaebeom chuckles before smiling at Jinyoung, who was looking at the two with round, uncertain eyes. It made him look so much younger than he actually was. His hands easily made their way towards Jinyoung's face, gently cupping his cheek and leaning in to kiss his lips.
Jinyoung melts against the kiss, any other thought in his head dissipating away into the air. When they pulled away, Yugyeom turned his head to face him. Their lips meet as well, and Jinyoung feels his body going slack against the arms around him.
They pull away and Yugyeom just smiles fondly at him. Jinyoung blushes and rests his head against the younger's shoulder, a smile forming on his lips when two pairs of arms wrap around him, pulling the three of them close to each other.
"Let's rest for today," Jaebeom said, running his hand through Jinyoung's hair in a comforting motion. "We'll be right here with you."
And Jinyoung knows they will. They've always been there for him, always chasing away the whispers of his own mind and holding him close so he would not feel the burning stares from the corners of the room.
They always knew how to catch him before he could spiral down his own mind. And if he does fall, they're always there to pull him back again, to love him through the darkness fogging his tired head.
So Jinyoung just snuggles closer to his lovers, and lets himself be loved.