Work Text:
Naruto Uzumaki was Sasuke’s Best Friend. In fact, Naruto Uzumaki was literally everyone’s Best Friend because he had yet to come across someone who he hadn’t managed to convert to his little cult. (Naruto is everyone’s Best Friend. He is your Best Friend. All you have to do is accept him into your heart.) Well, actually, he had come across a few, but they were all either dead or missing. Sasuke tried not to think about the implications.
Moving on, Sasuke didn’t have a heart, so he was exempt from this rule. No, he was not a part of the Naruto Uzumaki Appreciation Society—or whatever the hell that club the Hyuuga made was called—and, frankly, he would have liked to live the rest of his life completely ignoring its existence. Now, though, that no longer seemed to be possible. Not when faced with the woman in front of him.
Pink hair, green eyes, red lips, and, of course, an eye-watering orange shirt with the words Naruto is my Best Friend printed on it in big, blue letters. In the face of this woman who seemed like she would have been beautiful if not for the traffic cone she was wearing, Sasuke Uchiha could no longer seem to produce a coherent thought. His brain went on autopilot and the first thing that came out of his mouth was, “Your shirt is hideous.”
As he mentally scolded himself for spending so much time with his mother when he was younger, the woman’s mouth pulled down into a nasty scowl as she said, “You’re hideous.” She then proceeded to give him a glare that made him glad that looks couldn’t kill and turned back towards Naruto. He approached them both with a wide smile on his face, completely oblivious to their conflict.
“Sasuke, Sakura, I’m glad you’re friends!” he said brightly. “I knew that you two would get along well.”
Sasuke went on autopilot again. “Your ‘friend’ has absolutely no fashion sense.” Why do I have no filter?
Sakura scowled even more. “Well, Naruto, your ‘friend’ has absolutely no likable personality.”
Naruto stared at them both, eyes wide. “Eh?”
“You heard me, he’s an absolute jerk! He didn’t even greet me, he just insulted my shirt!”
“Your shirt deserved insulting.”
“You deserve insulting!”
“Come on, guys,” Naruto said placatingly, “let’s just talk this out.”
Sasuke immediately backtracked because oh hell no. The last person Naruto had talked something out with was Sasuke’s father, who had been left a sobbing mess. Every week now, he would call Sasuke and profusely apologize for sins that Sasuke had never particularly cared about. His self-preservation skills kicking in, he immediately turned to the woman—Sakura—and said, “I’m sorry.”
Sakura blinked. “What?”
“I’m sorry.”
“O-Oh. Okay.”
Sasuke thanked whatever deities there were that she was the kind to easily forgive. Naruto gave them both a dazzling grin. “Well, looks like you guys worked it out! Great! Come on, let’s go.”
Now Sasuke realized one more thing. The lunch he had assumed would just include him and Naruto was now featuring another person. Yes, Sakura Haruno was most likely attending lunch with them.
Needless to say, the following meal was awfully awkward. However, Sasuke’s heart grew three sizes that day. Unfortunately, three times zero is still zero, so Sasuke was still completely convinced that Sakura Haruno was there to absolutely ruin his life.
On Day Three of what Sasuke considered the apocalypse, he had met Sakura Haruno again. Once again, Naruto was the catalyst for his misery. “I have a great idea,” Naruto had said as Sasuke and Sakura had awkwardly avoided eye-contact with each other. “Let’s do some laser tag!”
Everything after that was a blur of excuses on his and Sakura’s part and reassurances on Naruto’s. Not that any of that mattered anymore, because right now, he was in a large dark space lit with UV lighting and he had a couple of twelve-year-olds to demolish. In the edge of his vision, he could just barely make out Naruto, who was cowering behind him. “Man up, Naruto,” he snapped. “We’ve got a battle to win.”
“Screw this, those twelve-year-olds are terrifying.”
“I got to agree with Sasuke, Naruto,” Sakura said, suddenly appearing next to them. Sasuke, startled, let out a loud yelp.
Within seconds they heard a cry of, “Found ‘em!”
Cursing, Sasuke hauled himself and Naruto up. “Come on, let’s get some cover.”
“I have to run now?” Naruto asked.
Sasuke stared at him blankly. “I’m this close to leaving you right here.”
“Sasuke!” Sakura said. “We’re not leaving Naruto behind!”
“He’ll be fine. He’ll just convert them to his little cult.”
“Cult?”
“Nevermind.” The footsteps were coming closer, as were the shouts of curses and derogatory words that no twelve-year-old should know. “Let’s move.”
Sasuke and Sakura broke out sprinting in the other direction, Naruto right behind them. After about thirty seconds, they were both crouched under a nearby wall, laser guns in hand. “You see anyone?” Sasuke asked quietly.
Sakura glanced over the wall. “Nothing. I think they little monsters lost our scent.”
“Good.” Silence. Then, “Please get your elbow out of my kidney now.”
“Oh, sorry,” Sakura said hastily.
“Don’t be,” Sasuke muttered. “You’d be surprised how many times I’ve been in a situation like this.”
“Hiding from devil children behind a wall with someone you hated three days ago?”
“Yes, actually.”
“...I see.”
“No, you don’t see.”
“Well, I really— Quiet!” Sasuke jumped a bit as she hissed the last word. Footsteps came closer, as did the jeers. Eventually, they passed, and Sasuke let out a sigh of relief.
“We’re sa— Wait, where’s Naruto?” There was a solid three seconds of horrified silence.
Then, Sakura bolted upright, eyes wide, and yelled, “We’re coming, Naruto!”
Sasuke pulled her back down, shushing her. “Don’t yell. They’ll find us.”
“Who cares? We left Naruto behind!”
Sasuke gave her an incredulous look. “Look, I’m sure you’re worried about your savior or boyfriend or whatever but—”
“Naruto isn’t my boyfriend!” Sakura said as she pulled back, scandalized. “He’s my best friend!”
“As if. Either he’s your boyfriend or your cult leader.”
“He is not my cult leader!”
“So he’s your boyfriend?”
Face red, Sakura said, “No, he is not my boyfriend!”
“Prove it.”
Snarling, Sakura planted a kiss on Sasuke’s cheek. “There, happy? I wouldn’t do that if I had a boyfriend!”
“Oh, please. That was the kind of kiss a woman gives to thank someone. You’re dating Naruto.”
“No! Fine, how about I date you? Would that prove that I’m not Naruto’s girlfriend?”
Sasuke stared at her blankly. “Did...did you just ask me out?”
“Oh, so you tell me that I have to prove that I’m not dating Naruto and then you won’t let me date you and prove it? How fair.”
“That’s not— Fine. Whatever. We can talk about this later.”
Sakura’s eyes widened. “Right, we have to get Naruto.”
“No, don’t—” Before Sasuke could get another word out, Sakura had already darted off towards where they last saw Naruto. Scowling, Sasuke hauled himself off of the ground and took off after her.
When he arrived, he found a scene that he would rather unsee: Naruto, crouched down in front of a crying twelve-year-old, sympathetically rubbing his back. “It’s alright,” Naruto said, “just get it all out.”
“I just wanted to make my mom proud!” the twelve-year-old sobbed. “Just this once!”
Sakura watched the scene, a small tear falling from her left eye. “Naruto is an amazing person, isn’t he?” she whispered. “The whole world deserves to know of his generosity.”
That was when reality hit him. He was now dating a cultist. Goddamnit.
On Day Six of the apocalypse, Sasuke and Sakura went on a date. At Starbucks. Unfortunately, neither he nor Sakura knew how to go on a date, so disaster was inevitable. Exactly seventeen minutes and thirty-two seconds into the aforementioned date—yes, Sasuke had been counting—is when the disaster happened. Naruto Uzumaki walked in, smile and all.
Okay, Sasuke thought, now awkwardly avoiding eye-contact with Naruto in addition to Sakura, this is fine. Naruto isn’t stupid, he won’t walk up on us during our date— I stand corrected. “Naruto, what are you doing here?”
Naruto opened his mouth to reply, but Sakura interrupted. “I asked him to come.”
“...why?”
“I want my best friend to be there when I go on my first date!” Sakura said, patting Naruto’s shoulder. Naruto— the idiot —just nodded happily.
“I would never leave Sakura hanging!”
Sasuke’s eye twitched. “That’s not the— Fine, whatever.” He leaned back into the seat, grouchily drinking his expresso. Naruto, meanwhile, sat down next to Sakura and ordered a pastry or something. A moron, Sasuke decided. That’s what Naruto is. Does he not realize that he’s the third wheel? As he watched Naruto and Sakura giggle at whatever was on her phone, Sasuke changed his mind. Wait, no, I’m the third wheel. Ugh.
“So,” Sasuke asked conversationally, “Naruto, have you ever gone on a date?”
“No, but I’m going on one tomorrow!”
Sasuke paused. “Really? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I did!”
“No, you didn’t.”
“I did! You were just on the phone with your dad!”
Well, now it made sense. Naruto must have told him while Sasuke was trying to convince his father that no, he wasn’t a failure of a parent. “I see. Who’s it with?”
“Hinata Hyuuga.”
Sasuke choked. “The crazy devotee?”
“Huh?”
“Nothing,” Sasuke muttered. “Don’t worry about it.” So now we’re both dating cultists.
Sakura sighed. Standing up, she said, “I have to go now. Got homework to do, you know?”
Sasuke stared at her for a second, then asked, “Are you going to go to Naruto and Hinata’s date?”
She raised her eyebrow. “No, that would be weird. Besides, they have something special, I wouldn’t want to ruin it.” With that, she walked out of the Starbucks.
Sasuke’s jaw clenched. “Something special, huh? You were okay with Naruto walking in on our date, but you think I’m crazy to suggest you chaperone their’s.”
“Uh, Sasuke? Are you alright?”
Sasuke looked up at Naruto, scowling. “Yes, I’m perfectly fine.”
“You look like you’re about to murder someone.”
“...something special. What the hell do you and Hinata have that makes you impervious to third wheels, huh?”
Naruto tilted his head to the side, bit into a cookie, then said, “Love.”
“But—”
“What?”
Sasuke sighed. “Yeah, point taken.”
“So, what are you going to do now?”
“What am I supposed to do?”
“Try and love Sakura, duh.”
Deciding to take Naruto up on his advice, Sasuke closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. He searched deep inside of himself, deeper than he had ever dared to go before. Through all the swirling hatred of humanity and the feelings of superiority to everyone around him, Sasuke found something. It shined like the sun. Yes, this was it, this was love— Wait, no, it was his sadistic tendencies and dark sense of humor. The fact that they were the things that glowed the brightest inside of him was kind of concerning.
Opening his eyes, Sasuke said, “It’s no use.”
“You don’t love her?”
“I don’t love. My heart is a black hole. We’ve been over this before, Naruto.”
“Dang it, you’re right,” Naruto muttered, holding his chin and thinking as hard as he could—not that it would do that much. Eventually, he did come to a solution. “Do you think she’s hot?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, that’s good enough.”
On Day Nine of the apocalypse, Sasuke and Sakura went on another date. This time, Naruto was too preoccupied to ruin it, so Sasuke was determined to prove to Sakura that they didn’t need a third wheel. This, of course, required a lot of time and effort. This was going to be the best date Sakura had ever had, Sasuke was sure of it.
Sakura watched on uncertainly. “When you said that you had something special planned, I didn’t think that you meant a carriage.”
Sasuke frowned. “You don’t like it?”
“No, it’s just a bit...extravagant.”
“That’s kind of the point.”
“Well, I’m not going to complain. I’ve always wanted to ride in one.”
“So, is it something you will always remember?”
“Definitely,” Sakura said, hauling herself into the carriage.
“Is it... special?”
“It is. You know this is— What the hell?!”
Sasuke flinched backward at Sakura’s shriek, causing him to fall off and onto the ground. Groaning in pain, he asked, “What happened?”
“Sasuke, there’s a creepy old man in this carriage!”
A pause. “What?”
“I said—”
“I know what you said!” Sasuke snapped, standing up and getting in. Indeed, there was an old man in the carriage. He was wearing an old, tattered jacket and a surgical mask was hiding the bottom half of his face. A book lay in his hands, seemingly forgotten as he stared at them with a vaguely offended look.
“I’m not old.”
“You really a—”
Sakura smacked him. “Sasuke, that’s rude!”
“You’re the one who—”
“Don’t argue with me!”
The old man raised an eyebrow. “Trouble in paradise?”
“No,” Sasuke snapped, “everything is fine, old man.”
“Sasuke!”
The old man once again looked offended. “I’m not old.”
“Your hair says otherwise.”
“My hair has been this way since I was born!”
“Sure it has.”
He just huffed. “Whatever. It’s my task to make sure no one gets into any funny business in here. Do you have any idea how hard it is to clean the seats?”
Sasuke stared blankly. “I did not need to know that.”
Sakura, however, was absolutely livid. “This is an invasion of privacy!”
“No,” the old man corrected, “this is private property and I’m here to make sure that it isn’t damaged.”
“I refuse to go in here with you.”
“Don’t worry, I’m really silent. Besides, as long as the clothes stay on and nothing gets on the seats—”
“Shut up,” Sasuke muttered. “Sakura, get in.”
“What?”
“I wasted a hundred and fifty dollars on this. We will be having a nice, romantic evening.”
“A hundred and fifty!? What were you thinking ?”
“I was on a caffeine high,” Sasuke said defensively. Sakura just scowled and climbed back in, Sasuke close behind her.
When the door shut, the old man banged his elbow on the wall and yelled, “We’re ready to go, Tenzo!”
“Roger that, Boss!”
The carriage lurched forward, leaving Sasuke clutching the seat. “Where are the seat belts?”
The old man, now flipping through his book, said, “There are none. This is a carriage , not a car .”
Sakura, who was desperately clawing at the ceiling, eventually grabbed Sasuke’s arm, sending him crashing forward. He groaned and clutched his stomach in pain. “Sakura…”
“I’m sorry!”
The old man flipped another page in his book, not at all fazed. “I’m Kakashi by the way.”
As the carriage slowed down a bit and Sasuke was able to climb back towards his seat. He stared at Sakura and said, “I expect a formal letter of apology.”
Sakura just shook her head. “Get me off of this thing.”
“One hundred and fifty dollars, Sakura.”
“I will give you two hundred.”
Sasuke paused. “...really?”
“Hey now,” Kakashi said, “this is the best carriage service in all of Konohagakure!”
“It’s the only carriage service,” Sasuke corrected.
“And the best by default.”
“Sasuke.”
“Just relax,” Kakashi said, “we’ll take great care of you two.”
Sasuke would later note that Kakashi was a filthy liar.
After Kakashi jinxed them, the carriage came to a screeching halt. Sasuke and Sakura barely managed to stay in their seats, and the driver—Tenzo—said, “Uh, Boss, we’ve got a problem.”
No less than three seconds afterward, the carriage door swung open, and in came a man dressed in black, knife in hand. “Give me all your money.” Silence. “Well?”
Kakashi cleared his throat. “I’m broke. Those two have some money. I heard the little miss say something about two hundred dollars.” If looks could kill, he would be six feet under. Kakashi shrugged. “Every man for himself.”
Sakura let out an irritated sigh. “I’ll take care of this.”
“Sakura, I can—”
“Stand back.” Sakura promptly kicked the man in the chest and he flew out of the carriage. She jumped out and started stomping on him, making him cry out in agony. Sasuke watched the whole thing, eyes wide. When the man fell unconscious, Sakura grinned. “Looks like heels are good for something after all.” She then grabbed his knife, examined it for a bit, then said, “Ugh, this is pretty cheap. Naruto might like it, though.”
Sasuke just continued to stare, and his face went red. What...what is this feeling? And that’s when it clicked: Sasuke Uchiha was officially in love. She’s awesome. “You’re awesome.”
“Thanks, I try.”
Kakashi leaned over to Sasuke. “She’s a keeper.”
It took three more dates before Sasuke could actually admit, “I love you.”
Sakura snorted, said, “I know,” then asked him if he wanted to take some karate classes with her. He agreed, obviously, and then never went, because physical strain was really not his thing.
It took two years before Sakura proposed, getting down on one knee. Sasuke’s face went red from embarrassment, but all was well.
Later, when Sarada Uchiha asked her papa how he fell in love with her mama, he just fondly said, “It started with a cult, a robber, and a dirty old man.” Sarada decided that her parents were insane...but she was fine with it.
Omake:
“We’re getting married,” Sakura said eagerly to Naruto.
Naruto blinked, then smiled widely. “Really? Wow, congratulations!”
Sakura grinned. “Does this mean that I have your blessing, because I wasn’t going to otherwise—”
“Eh?”
“—now that I think about it, I should have asked you before I proposed. I’m really sorry!”
“Woah, calm down, Sakura! You don’t need my permission to get married!”
“Of course I do, you’re my Best Friend.”
“Is...is that how it works? Should I ask you before I propose to Hinata?” Naruto asked.
“I mean, you don’t need to because you’re you.”
“But—”
“Thanks for your blessing, Naruto!” Sakura smiled, then ran off, leaving Naruto staring blankly after her.
Maybe Sasuke was on to something when he said I had a cult.
THE END