Work Text:
Jailhouse Interview #227
Interrogator: P
Inmate: O
Note: Names redacted for confidentiality reasons.
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P: Hello Owen! How are you doing today? How's prison been treating you?
O: I'm doing awful, actually, Pearl. I'm cellmates with a skeleton pirate, nothing is orange, this place is clearly not llama friendly, and I apparently killed some random dude. Oh, and also this room is very warm. Does that answer your question?
P: That sounds lovely, Owen.
O: It really isn't.
P: Pleasantries aside, you need to tell me everything you can about the day that you killed Mythical J. Sausage.
O: I really don't want to talk about it. I kinda don't feel very good. It was very scary.
P: Do you want to know what's scary? Finding out that your new best friend is DEAD and his five year old child is MISSING.
O: I wish I was a llama again…
P: Sorry about my rude outburst. Emotions have been running high ever since you KILLED Sausage.
O: I get that, Pearl. Human emotions really suck. Is the room spinning?
P: No. Anyways, what happened the day Sausage was killed?
O: Once, I was a normal llama bartender, who spat in drinks and got orders wrong on purpose. But the night before… that incident, I was approached by my boss, who unfortunately isn't a llama, and a pointy hat weirdo.
P: Get to the point Owen. I don't have all day.
O: I promise on the stuffed sheriff plushie I have in my stable that I'm getting there, Pearl. So pointy hat weirdo gave me a weird drink and then Boss kissed me. On the lips. It was really…
P: Let me guess, weird?
O: No it was actually really awkward. I mean he kinda stole me away from my family and forced me to become a bartender, but he told me that it's okay because he didn't know that llamas were intelligent.
P: That is really quite sketchy. Also probably illegal. You could probably sue Scott in a court of law- Wait. I'm supposed to be mad at you!
O: You appear to be turning scarlet, Pearl. Is that normal with humans?
P: Continue Owen. Now.
O: Anyways, overnight I got all tingly and turned into a human.
P: That's it? That's all it took for you to become human?
O: Yeah, pretty much. So after I became human, I broke into the house of my boss, who is apparently named Scott, and stood on his bed while he slept. That's normal, right?
P: Sure it is Owen. Sure it is.
O: Then he woke up and grabbed a shiny, pointy, stick thingy and poked me with it. He poked me on the arm, causing my arm to turn red. It really hurt! Like how my head is hurting right now.
P: Hold up- He stabbed you?!?
O: Is that what it's called?
P: Yes. How on earth did you not know that? Now, Scott's weird behavior towards animals aside, I still fail to see how this is relevant to Sausage's death.
O: I was quite literally a llama a week ago. I promise that I have a point.
P: Then get to it!
O: Geez, mood swings much? So then Scott gave me a weird drink and I didn't hurt anymore. He told me it was just a game he was playing with me. I don't think I like Scott's games.
P: This entire interrogation session is really making me question my friendship with Scott.
O: Why?
P: Nevermind. Please, continue.
O: After that, he went about his daily activities, and even let me follow him! I didn't really like it though. He skinned one of my fellow llama brethren alive. To make a blanket.
P: I'm sorry, WHAT?
O: Yeah it was pretty scary. It was my first time watching it. Usually I hear these things from the relative safety of my tavern.
P: So this is a habit of Scott's?
O: I guess so. Urgh. I feel like I'm going to puke.
P: After what you just said, me too. So after witnessing the death of your fellow llama, what happened?
O: Scott had to get a banner from this guy named Sausage. He told me there were a lot of mean gray people between his and Sausage's empire, so he gave me a pointy stick and told me to stick it in gray people if they were acting mean.
P: So he gave you a sword to stab hostile pillagers?
O: Yeah! Then when we got to this Sausage person's empire, Scott kinda ditched me. I got really scared!
P: Scott ditched you in an unfamiliar place on your first day of being a human?
O: That's correct. Then a nice man with fur on his chin came and helped me. He said hello so I poked him with my pointy stick thing in greeting, like Scott did to me. After that, a little man with big eyes put me in this place, which is apparently called prison.
P: That man was Sausage. You stabbed him to death with a sword.
O: Oh that makes everything make a lot more sense.
P: Wait a minute, you don't know why you are in prison?
O: Nope! Can we please end? I'm feeling kind of tired.
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Immediately after, in the Interrogation Room…
"I think that's enough for today, Owen. Next session, we'll cover the disappearance of Sausage's son, Hermes." Pearl said calmly.
"Owen?" Pearl spoke in alarm as Owen started to cough blood.
"Owen?" Pearl started to get very concerned as Owen started uncontrollably shaking.
"OH MY JOEL, OWEN!" Pearl shouted as Owen collapsed to the floor, hand on his throat, like he was struggling to breathe.
"Scott... I don't think I want to die for our friendship anymore..." Owen whispered. His eyes then rolled back into his head and his breathing quieted.
"There's… There's no pulse. He's dead."