Work Text:
“I never was a child / I was pulled right out of the sea / And the salt, it never left my body…” – Chelsea Wolfe
It was dark, she couldn’t see even 5 feet in front of her. Where was she?
“ Don’t move. Don’t look… ” Her breath caught at these words, her heart dropping to her stomach. What?
“ Don’t touch. Don’t smell. Don’t ask. Don’t taste… ” She heard these words before. Many, many times. It haunted her girlhood, her entire being. She felt small in her body, the dim-lit area of her surroundings closing in on her. “ Don’t Feel.” Her mouth was arid, hands hanging lifelessly at her side as the familiar feeling of numbness coursed through her veins.
She could feel her mind hastily trying to pull her away from the situation to protect her. With downcast eyes, she felt like an outsider in her own body, the words of the invisible speaker ringing in her mind. “ Everything about you… Will be done through Kirari.”
She could feel her mouth forming words against her will. No matter how desperate she was to escape to– where? She didn’t know– she couldn’t A tiny, childlike sound, almost resembling a squeak, left her lips. “... Yes.”
She blinked slowly, the scene shifting. She could see better, the sunlight breaking through the window of the Momobami estate. The patterns and colors of the interior looked the exact same as the ones in the past. Even now, she couldn't forget the walls that held the memories of– her broken cries. She was but a toddler, confused and frightened. She didn’t want to wear that scary mask. The adults were mean to her if she didn’t listen. Why does she have to be reprimanded all the time? Did she do something bad? Whatever she did, Ririka promised she didn’t mean it– her past.
The memories were unpleasant. Only a few remained from that stage in her life. Before the elders had taken her drive and autonomy completely. It’s difficult to get a toddler to be so submissive and compliant, but they succeeded in the end. Through any means necessary. Or that's what Ririka lead them to believe.
“The mask is a wall between the outer world and you.” The voice sent chills down her spine, small ( too small ) hands clenching in her lap, digging into the material of her kimono. “You do not exist in this world. Instead, you will eternally experience Kirari. For you… Will become Kirari.” She felt her eyes shake beneath her mask, pupils expanding as she stared at turquoise eyes just like Kirari’s. Just like her own. Grandmother…
She could see her reflection clearly in her eyes. Her mask is much smaller, yet wider to hide the baby fat beneath it. Her bangs were short and choppy and whatever showed of her skin was pale from the lack of sunlight she had access to. She was just a child, not even six years old yet. Just a child and all she knew was how it felt to be hurt .
And then Ririka woke up. Not as a child but as an adult. A woman of 29 years.
Ah. A nightmare.
It took her a second to adjust to the room's darkness with only the moon as a light source. She didn’t heave or shake or cry. She just stared at the ceiling fan whirling lazily above their bed, her pupils dilated from the rush of adrenaline as the sounds of her blood pumping in her ears deafened the world around her.
Sometimes, she preferred the former– waking up screaming or crying. On nights like this, she falls apart at the seams. Quietly without a sound. The ghosts linger, leaving her unable to so much as make a peep. Instead, with her memories fresh, she’s left in silence to mourn the childhood that was stolen from her.
The blood in her ears seems to die down when she gained the will to move from her position, eyes traveling to the body resting next to her. Her wife, bathed under the moonlight sneaking through the cracks between their curtains, was peaceful. The curves of her lips and furrow of her brow were put to rest during the early hours of the day, but Ririka knew the moment her love awoke and rested her eyes on her, that glint would enter the amber of her iris in the early morning, a smile gracing her lips when she pulled her into a kiss.
The selfish part of her wished she had risen at her nightmare as well. Usually, her love would wake in a flash had she heard the sound of Ririka’s distress in moments like these, but today Ririka was silent in her grief.
She’s quiet, yet swift, leaving only her body heat next to her wife. She watches as the blonde woman curls toward the emptiness she had left behind as if searching for her even as she dreams. Mary liked to sleep in on the weekends, and she wouldn’t want to wake her.
She wouldn’t be upset. A voice in the back of her mind reminds her. She would be upset if you didn’t wake her when you needed her.
Maybe I should…? Her eyes raked along her wife’s body, observing how her chest moved with each breath she took. Her eyelids fluttered, and Ririka could only hope that her wife’s dreams treated her kindly unlike her own. With a sigh, Ririka shakes her head and lets her wife rest, shifting away from their bed.
She’s since memorized the stronger floorboards, knowing which will not make a sound as she steps onto it. A bad habit of hers since she was a child. After all, someone who does not exist had no right to let their presence be heard.
She splashed water on her face, eyes fluttering closed as the coldness dripped down her chin and onto the ivory sink below her. She avoided her reflection in the mirror, eyes instead traveling to the towel rack. Grabbing the cloth hanging there, she scrubbed at her face despite knowing the skin around her eyes would be red and blotchy.
The memories, the teaching of the elders, echoed in her mind as if on replay. A part of her was disheartened– bitter at the fact that after all these years, their teachings were engraved in her very soul.
With a jerk of her head, she banished the thought from her mind.
With her face covered and body hunched over the sink, she paused when she heard a noise to her left. Footsteps.
Neatly, she folded the towel and hung it back on the rack before turning toward the entry of the doorway. White curls stuck out from behind the doorframe, tiny fingers wrapped around the painted wood as the child tried to hide from Ririka’s view. She hadn’t looked at the clock when she awoke, but Ririka could only assume it was around 3 A.M.
“Megumi?” She asked softly, eyebrows furrowing in concern. “Baby, what are you doing awake?”
A sniffle was the response given. The 2-year-old shuffled to the middle of the doorway, tiny feet covered in the pink material of her onesie, barely making noise against the wooden floorboards. She learned that from me, Ririka noted somewhat sheepishly. Megumi copies the way I walk, and now we have a silent toddler on the loose. Doubtlessly the reason why I didn’t hear her until she reached the bathroom.
Turning off the sink, Ririka turned toward the child. She must’ve seen I wasn’t in bed. Their daughter would normally slip between them if she had trouble sleeping.
One hand was clutching her strawberry shortcake-themed baby blanket, the ends of the material dragging on the floor due to the toddler’s lack of height, while the other was pawing at the embroidered strawberries of her onesie as if to distract herself from her sadness.
What concerned Ririka the most were the fat, wobbly tears that ran down freckled, childishly chubby cheeks. She kneeled down on one knee at her daughter’s level– She barely reaches my knee , Ririka thought with affection, eyes peering down at the sniffling tot– her own grief from her nightmare replaced immediately with worry. “Shortcake?”
The toddler sniffled a few more times, lip trembling from trying–and failing to hold in her tears. The hand that was fiddling with the embroidered strawberries reached up to rub at her face, clumsily trying to wipe away the evidence despite already being caught.
Ririka gave her a soft smile, her much larger hand reaching out to gently grab her daughter’s wrist, preventing her from scratching the sensitive skin. “How about I warm us up some milk in the kitchen and then you tell me what’s wrong?”
Megumi sniffled before nodding, throwing her body into her mother’s chest and clutching at her shoulders, demanding to be picked up. She still held her blankie in her left hand.
Ririka laughed lightly against the crown of Megumi’s head before kissing the tufts of white that tickled her face. With a tiny huff, she stood, cradling the toddler to her chest who immediately pressed her cheek into her neck, free hand sucking at her thumb. “Alright, let’s go get warmed up.”
With two glasses poured (one cooled enough to go into a sippy cup), the white-haired duo sat on the couch. Ririka was pressed into the corner, next to the side table so she can place down her mug, while Megumi was seated on her lap, tiny hands unable to fully wrap around her sippy cup as her head tilted back as if to try and get the most she could out of it in one go. Her tears seemed like a thing of the past, which Ririka was glad for.
With a burp, the toddler was finished with her drink, handing it to her mother who placed it on the side table. Ririka reached down and wiped her face with her thumb, knowing her kid well enough that she had probably made a mess of her face.
She giggled softly when a little huff left Megumi’s lips. Although she couldn’t see her face fully, Ririka knew she was sporting a pout that mirrored her wife’s.
Poking her daughter’s freckled cheek, she questioned her once again. “So, shortcake…” Megumi wiggled away from the appendage that harassed her chubby cheeks. She didn’t get very far as she was stationed on Ririka’s lap. “Are you going to tell me why you were crying? And why you’re up so late?”
The toddler shuffled on her mother’s lap, legs curling underneath her as she gathered her thoughts, hands cupping her knees. Her chin poked past her legs in an adorable pout. “Was scaw’d.”
“Were you? Why’s that?” The toddler pawed at her onesie once again. “... Did you have a nightmare, Megumi?”
With a tiny nod, the tears welled up in her eyes once more. She turned in her ‘seat’ to face her mother, only to throw herself into her arms. Ririka didn’t hesitate to catch her, arms curling around her baby, hands rubbing lulling circles into her back.
Her cries were softer this time, tiny fingers digging into her mother’s sweater. The toddler’s hiccups broke Ririka’s heart as she bounced her on one knee, trying to soothe the girl. Curling slender fingers through sleep-mushed locks, she spoke, “I don’t know what your nightmare was about, but it’s alright. I’m here and I won’t let anyone hurt you, Megumi. And neither would your Mama.”
She could feel some snot and tears dampen her sweater, but didn’t mind one bit. “‘gumi’s sowwy.”
Ririka shushed her, reaching for the throw blanket on the couch and wrapping it around the two of them. “Never apologize for crying, baby. You did nothing wrong.”
The toddler curled further into her mother’s arms, the woman’s body heat comforting her as seconds pass, tears drying. “Megumi, can I tell you something?”
She blinked away the last of her tears, her tiny head lifting to meet Ririka’s eyes. “Mommy gets nightmares sometimes too.” She admitted sheepishly, staring down at her daughter. She could see her reflection in her daughter’s eyes. The blue of their iris was identical sans the golden ring around Megumi’s pupil.
The twinkle in her eyes held an innocent curiosity only a child could hold– and something else Ririka couldn’t name at first, but soon identified it as love.
To Megumi, she and Mary were everything. And she was everything to them as well. They made sure she knew that. Every day, the toddler went to bed with a kiss good night and rose with a kiss good morning. From the moment she had taken her first breaths, Ririka was enamored. “I love you.” She had whispered as the infant had mewed against her chest, skin rosey, and strong fingers clutching at white hair. And now, the 2-year-old stared up at her, listening to her words, with such love and appreciation in her eyes that Ririka almost felt her eyes water.
She thought of her cousins– Terano, full of admiration for her elders until she knew the truth– who, until the end, tried to save her family. And Jabami Souko who trusted someone who shared her direct blood. Who was supposed to protect them, just two orphaned children who didn’t yet know greed, only to be betrayed? And then, of course, herself.
Did I ever look at them like that? She wondered.
Megumi was a feisty girl, as she’d come to realize over the past two years while raising her. Constantly kicking and screaming in delight or running away from bath time and making faces when eating her vegetables. And while Mary’s DNA contributed to some of that, Ririka realized most young children are just wild and carefree.
No loved child– much less a toddler– is submissive ( defeated) in the face of their caretaker.
And for a fleeting second, she was enraged. Enraged at the thought that anyone could ever hurt Megumi in the same way. That anyone would dare hurt a child in the way all of them had suffered.
“Mommy?” And as quick as it had come, her anger was gone. “You do?”
She curled her fingers into her daughter’s hair once again, scratching at her scalp. “Yes, I do.”
“Do you get scaw’d?”
“All the time…” She admitted. “But, when I wake up, I’m not scared anymore. You know why?” Megumi cocked her head to the side in question, eyebrows furrowing. Ririka wanted to laugh at how much she looked like her mama with her fox-shaped eyes and freckled pout.
“I wake up and see your Mama and I’m not scared anymore. And when I have you in my arms, I know all the scary people in my nightmares can’t hurt me. Megumi, my love for you and your Mama outweighs any fear I may hold within me.” Although she was only 2, Megumi was a smart girl. She knew her mommy was being honest with her.
With a toothy grin, Megumi smiled up at her. “Baby loves Mommy!” She cheered, hand patting herself on the chest with pride, and Ririka gave a belly laugh at the words.
“I love you too, shortcake.” She glanced at the clock on their living room monitor. It was almost 4 A.M. “We should get you to bed soon.”
Megumi shook her head, head plopping back down on Ririka’s chest, right below her chin. “Nuh-uh. S’ay with Mommy”
Ririka wrapped the blanket around them further, getting comfortable as she wrestled with the recliner for a moment. “Alright, baby. Whatever you want.” Kissing the crown of her head, the lamp was flicked off. Megumi succumbed to sleep in the warmth of her mother’s arms, the beating of her heart acting as a lullaby.
“Ririka.”
She froze at the voice, feeling her ears light up, abashed at being caught. It was late, maybe 2 A.M.? Ririka wasn’t sure.
She turned and saw her fiancée standing at the entrance to their living room, hand on her hip and furrowed brows. Ririka knew she was worried and the bags under the blonde’s eyes caused her heart to sink.
Her fiancée had work early– and she felt awful having woken her up.
“Mary? Did I wake you? You should head back to bed.”
The younger woman paid her words no mind, walking over and plopping herself right next to the white-haired woman with a huff.
“What’s wrong?”
In a rapid succession of blinks and her tongue darting out to moisten her lips, Ririka spoke, “Nothing– just– head to bed, I’ll be there shortly.”
The blonde just looked at her. She wasn’t upset– maybe just a little tired.
“Mary–”
“You had a nightmare, right? I woke up to you screaming.”
Her shoulders caved, back slouching into the couch as she released a full-body sigh. “I apologize. I didn’t mean to wake you.”
A hand, warm and slightly calloused from a childhood full of play ( Ririka’s had become rougher during the years as well– so unlike the slender and fragile hands that dealt out cards and cruelty under the orders of others– molding the earth with care and encouraging her seeds to blossom into flowers; Just as Ririka had since her days at Hyakkaou, under Mary’s warm gaze and her own determination ) wrapped around Ririka’s upper back, tugging her closer.
She let out a tiny ‘eep’ at the action before relaxing in her fiancée’s hold. Within seconds, she was settled underneath Mary’s chin, her ear pressed to her chest, listening to the sound of her heartbeat.
The action alone led Ririka to relax, snuggling into the younger woman’s chest as Mary’s lips pressed against the crown of her head.
“Was it the same as always? From when you were a little kid?”
She nodded sluggishly, eyes drooping due to the natural heat Mary’s body produced. She could’ve sworn she heard her fiancée let out a curse under her breath. “Bastards…” She clicked her tongue.
“Let me guess, you think they still have some type of hold on you, hm?”
Ririka was wide awake now, wincing at how easily her fiancée read her.
“Why do you think that?”
Letting out a shaky breath, she spoke, “Well for starters, I still wake up screaming and crying from nightmares and disrupting your sleep, and having an overall shitty day afterward.”
Mary let out a guffaw at the curse, seeing her influence shining through as her chest vibrated against Ririka’s ear. “Well– I think you’re wrong. Not about the nightmare part, but the part where you think that those fuckheads still have a hold over you.”
“... And why’s that?”
“First of all, you’ll be a Saotome soon– And you’re Momobami days are long gone.” She teased, blowing air directly on her fiancée’s overly sensitive ear to make her squirm. “And second? Well, you’re kind.”
Ririka blinked. “What?”
“Do you remember Nozomi– and those asshole brothers?”
“Rin and Ibara?”
“Yeah– although the one with dyed hair was okay compared to the other one.”
“What about them?”
“You treated Nozomi as an equal– in Hyakkaou for fucks sake. No one would ever think to do that in that cesspool.”
“You would have.” Ririka, spoke, eyes shining.
“Not always” Mary gave a bitter laugh.
“You were lost for a while, Mary. What matters is that you came back.”
“Yes. But right now we’re talking about you.” Mary leaned over, grabbing their throw blanket and wrapping it around the two of them, protecting them from the cold. “When you kicked Ibara and Rin’s asses, you still offered them kindness in the end. You showed Rin it was alright to care for his brother.”
Ririka stilled for a minute. “What does that have to do with the elder’s hold on me?”
“Would the elders that raised you– your Grandmother – ever do something like that?”
“Well, no–”
“Exactly. You changed. You began to heal, Ririka.” Mary cuddled close to her, intertwining their legs. “Even after that bitc– your sister–” She corrected quickly. Ririka bit back a smile. “– used you just as the elders did. And continued to hurt you during that gamble so many years ago, you smiled at her and accepted a potential relationship to develop even if it took years. Most people don’t do that shit.”
Ririka listened to her words, hand reaching toward Mary’s, their fingers folding together like puzzle pieces. “At 18, you had already made leaps and bounds in terms of unlearning their fucked up ways. Healing is possible, Ri’. It’s fucking hard and I wish you didn’t have to be put in the position in the first place, but it’s alright. Some things, like your nightmares, may linger for the rest of your life, and that's okay. Healing has no timeline. In all our years together, you’ve flourished in ways that took– and continue to take– my breath away.”
Mary craned her neck downward, meeting the glistening eyes of her fiancée. Tenderly, she placed a small kiss on the corner of her mouth, catching the tears that had slipped down flushed cheeks in the process. “And no matter what, I’m going to be here with you as you heal. Because you’re my fiancée– my soon-to-be wife as well as my friend and partner who I’ve trusted– and loved– for years.”
Ririka kissed her fully, pressing their lips together as she cupped Mary’s freckled cheek. “I love you.” She spoke, heart soaring as she looked up at honey-brown. “Thank you.”
“Of course.” A smirk pulled at her lips, giddy at the kiss despite having been kissed millions of times before. “Now let's head back to bed.”
“Hm. I think I’m comfortable here.”
Mary let out a grumble. “You’re who I’m going to blame if my back goes.”
Ririka cuddled closer, eyes falling shut. “Of course. I’ll take full responsibility.”
11:43 A.M.
Mary thought it odd that both her wife and demo– daughter had let her sleep in. The two of them loved to wake up at the ass crack of dawn even on weekends. Usually, her little menace would be jumping on her chest demanding her attention with her wife drinking coffee in the kitchen, having left her to her fate.
But not today. She had woken up alone, which wasn’t too odd, but the unmade side of the bed confused her. Her wife was a tidy one, always cleaning up after Megumi– and embarrassingly enough, Mary.
When she couldn’t hear the ruckus of her toddler or wife in the kitchen, she shoved on her slippers and made a beeline toward the living room in all her tank top and anime-boxer glory; And what she found made her wish she had snagged her phone on the way there.
Her wife and daughter were curled up together on the couch with a throw blanket covering them. Megumi was drooling on Ririka’s shoulder, cuddled under her chin, while her wife was holding their daughter protectively in her arms. Both seemed gone to the world despite the noisy stomps Mary had produced on her way in.
With a smile, she wrinkled her nose at the now bad cup of milk and an empty sippy cup that was left behind during their late-night adventures, before gathering them in her hands and making her way to the kitchen.
Absentmindedly, she reminded herself to grab her phone before she starts working on breakfast. Strawberry pancakes– Megumi and Ririka’s favorite.