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Evan Buckley was dead.
Buck was lifeless on the gurney, his heart had stopped beating five minutes ago. He had coded twice on the way to the hospital and one more time just as they arrived. Each time he was out longer than the last. Both Hen and Chim were exhausted, but they pushed their tired bodies to the limit, pushed against the aching sensation in their arms from CPR; they refused to give up on their friend, their brother.
Eddie had taken over compressions, pushing the two paramedics aside, and hopped onto the gurney, kneeling over Buck. He started compressions, something he had done hundreds if not thousands of times before, but he had never done them on someone he loved. He had never felt the ribs of someone he loved give away under his own hands. Eddie’s movements were filled with desperation, he had tuned out the rest of the world and focused on his. In that moment of time, the only thing that mattered, the only thing Eddie could do, was save Buck.
Just as Buck has done for him over the years.
While Eddie was locked in on his work, his eyes never moving from Buck’s stilled face, the doctor had called it. Eddie didn’t hear it, didn’t hear the rest of the 118 calls out his name.
Bobby hesitantly grabbed Eddie’s shoulder, “He’s gone, Eddie.”
Eddie shook his head in disbelief, tears streaming down his face, “No, no, he’s not gone. He can’t be.”
“Eddie.” Hen’s voice is what broke Eddie.
He sat down on his heels, leaning over and gripped Buck’s LAFD shirt, and started to cry. He felt hands on him, hands he knew that belonged to his family, his friends. Bobby still had his hand on Eddie’s shoulder, Hen had one arm rubbing his back and the other wrapped around Chimney, Chim had his other hand on Eddie’s other shoulder, they were wrapped around each other and they cried, as they mourned their friend, their brother, their son, their coworker. Eddie’s partner. They knew they were making a scene, but neither one cared, not now, not after losing one of their own.
The doctor and nurse had stepped away, giving them a moment.
Time passed slowly, or maybe too fast, Eddie wasn’t sure about anything anymore. Everything was a blur, his head was hurting from all the crying, his muscles screaming at him from exertion.
After a while, the doctor and her nurses came back, “I am so sorry for your loss. Please take all the time you need. We have a room put together for everyone to say goodbye. Paperwork will need to be filled out, however, that can wait until later. We will get ahold of his next of kin unless you would like to notify them?” The doctor directed the last part at Bobby, who looked towards Eddie with pitiful eyes.
Eddie bit his bottom lip to stop himself from letting out anymore tears, he closed his eyes, bowing his head, “I’m his next of kin.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sure plans have been arranged with a funeral director in advance, if not, one can be arranged. Mr. Buckley will remain here during this time. He will be taken care of.” Dr. Lounds sounded cold, but Eddie knew it was just a part of her job, a part he always hated.
Eddie had lost two people he loved at a hospital.
Both times, their deaths were out of his control. A freak accident. A natural disaster. If Eddie believed in a higher power, he wonders what sick game they were playing with him.
“If you would like, you can follow Angie here as she takes you to the room.”
None of them wanted to move, none of them wanted to part with Buck, with each other. But they all knew it was time, it was time to say goodbye.
They parted ways and Eddie slowly climbed off of Buck and the gurney, his legs shook under him, Chim held him up. The dreaded white sheet was placed over Buck. Reality setting in for all of them. They all walked into the hospital with their arms around each other as they followed Angie.
The room was small but had enough space to hold everyone. Eddie stood outside the room, not being able to cross the threshold. He needed time, he needed Buck. He needed his other half.
They waited out in the hall, Bobby calling Athena, Hen calling Karen, and Chim calling Maddie. Eddie pulled out his phone with shaky hands, it was late, Chris would be sleeping, and Carla most likely too. He scrolled down to Carla’s contact, his thumb hovering over the call button. Chris needs to know about Buck, but how do you tell your kid that they lost another parent, especially after almost losing Eddie too many times recently? Chris is older now and can handle this news better than before, but he’s still only a kid. One that has been through so much at such a young age. He felt a hand on his, looking up with red-rimmed eyes, Bobby was looking at him with a look he knew all too well.
“You don’t have to do this right now, Eddie. You can wait a while, or until morning.”
Eddie let out a breath and looked back down at his phone, “I can’t.”
It wasn’t much, but somehow, Bobby understood, “I can do it. I can tell her what happened, that you will be home late, that they can come tomorrow. Eddie, you don't have to do this alone. We’re a team, we do this together.”
Eddie couldn’t respond, tears escaping again, he hugs Bobby. Bobby hugs him back tightly, Eddie can tell Bobby needed it just as much as he did.
Once they pulled away, Bobby grabbed Eddie’s phone and walked over to a quiet part of the hall, and made the call.
The corridor was silent, there was no one in sight apart from the 118, as if all signs of life had been abandoned. Eddie thought it was fitting. His heart was beating, but it felt like a hollow shell as if someone gutted his heart out and left nothing but a ghost of what was once there. He had a Buck size piece of his heart missing. A piece he knew that could never be fixed or whole again.
Eddie found a bench and sat down, his legs giving out immediately. He had angled himself so the door to Buck’s room was in his direct eye line.
Soon enough, the area was filled with everyone, Carla had decided it was best for Eddie to be the one to tell Chris in the morning. They could say their goodbye then.
Eddie couldn’t be the first one to say goodbye, he needed time. He sat on the bench as he watched everyone else say their goodbyes. They all took their time with Buck, for Buck had a special contention with everyone. In a way, it felt like Buck was the glue that kept everyone together. Buck was the glue that kept Eddie together. Buck saw the shattered pieces of Eddie and he glued the pieces back together, one by one.
Those pieces are breaking again.
Eddie was hunched over, his elbows digging into his thighs, he stared at his shaking hands. Closing his eyes, and clenching his hands into fists, he could still feel Buck’s ribs break and give away because of his own hands. He broke a part of Buck. The sound it made, was faint, but loud enough that it would never leave Eddie’s mind. It was burned into his brain.
Once everyone had said their goodbyes and left, not before checking on Eddie, making sure he was okay. Eddie still sat on the bench, it was getting late now, and he couldn’t wait any longer. He got up and made his way to Buck’s room.
He stood at the entrance, before going in, he reached into his shirt and pulled out his Saint Christoper medal, attached to it was a ring. Pulling it off, he held it in his hand, smiling faintly at it. He clutched it in his hands before stepping into the room. There, Buck laid in the middle of the room on a bed, a white sheet covering him from the chest down. He looked like he was finally at rest.
Eddie sat at the chair that was by his bedside, he looked down at the ring again, they had been together for a few years by now, having only gotten engaged a week ago. No one knew, they had planned on telling everyone at their monthly dinner party. That was in three days. Eddie smiled softly thinking back to their engagement.
The two of them laid in bed together, after having come off a grueling twenty-four-hour shift, they were exhausted and had no plans for the next two days. Their only plan was to spend the entire time wrapped around one another.
The idea of marriage had been thrown around lately, both wanted to be married to the other, but never felt like they needed a piece of paper to prove their love for one another. They both knew this was it, that they would spend the rest of their lives together.
Still, the of idea calling Buck his husband had a nice ring to it. After Shannon, he never thought he would marry again. Not until Buck came into his life. Buck changed a lot of things for Eddie.
“What are you thinking about?” Buck asked, his head laid on Eddie’s chest, one arm around Eddie’s waist. He turned to face Eddie. Eddie had his arm wrapped around Buck, holding him close.
Eddie looked at the man he loved and smiled, a smile that was only reserved for Buck, “You. Always you.”
“You’re a sap in the morning. Just wait until I tell everyone.” Buck teased.
“I’m only a sap for you, though that's hardly a secret anymore, Buck.” Eddie leaned towards Buck and kissed him.
“Seriously Eddie, what were you thinking about? I always know when you get lost in that mind of yours.” Buck pushed up so he was resting on his forearms.
And Eddie, he was so in love. He didn’t respond, he was mapping out Buck’s face, noticing every wrinkle, every scar, his birthmark that Eddie had loved so much. He reaches out, resting his hand softly on the side of Buck’s face, stroking his thumb across his cheek, Buck leans into Eddie’s touch.
“Marry me.” Eddie blurted out, taking Buck by surprise.
“What?”
“Marry me, Buck. I know we talked about not needing to be married to show our love. But I can’t go any longer without calling you my husband. I want to be married to you, I want one of us to take the other one's last name, or maybe we hyphen our last name, I don’t know. I don’t care, I just need to be married to you, Evan, we can figure out the rest later.”
Buck didn’t say anything, he just grinned and got up to dig through the top drawer of his nightstand, pulling out a black box, he moved back into the position that he was just in, “Only if you marry me too. I bought this a few days ago with Chris' help, I had it all planned out on how I was going to ask you, but you beat me to it. So, Eddie Diaz, will you also marry me?”
Eddie had pulled Buck down, kissing him more passionately than before, Buck eagerly kissed back before pulling back, “Is that a yes?”
“Yes, absolutely.” Eddie gave him a look, waiting for an answer himself.
“It was a yes from me too, if that wasn’t obvious.” Buck had slipped the ring onto Eddie’s ring finger before kissing him again.
They went out to get Buck a ring later that day.
It wasn’t what either one planned, but it was them, it was intimate. They had wanted to get married as soon as possible.
Eddie ran his fingers through Buck’s hair before resting them on the side of Buck’s face, stroking Buck’s birthmark. Buck's body was still warm, a reminder to Eddie that just a few short hours ago, Buck was still alive. What was once a vessel full of warmth and life, now, lay the cold and empty shell of his lover.
Eddie sighed before taking Buck’s hand that lay by his side into his own, his necklace and ring between their hands, “This wasn’t how it was supposed to go, Buck. We said we would grow old together, you promised we would. It was a ridiculous thing to promise one another, given what we do, but yet we still did it. Because we believed in one another, we believed we would always fight to come back to each other. I know you fought Buck, I know you did. You always do, that’s just who you are. It’s one of the things I love about you.”
Eddie paused, “What am I supposed to do without you? What is Chris supposed to do? How do I tell him that he lost another parent, that someone he loves left him again?”
He could feel tears starting to trickle down his face, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t hold back the tears now that he is alone. He lets them fall. Eddie feels his chest starting to hurt, starting to tighten, it's like a dull aching feeling. It was as if someone forcibly drove their hand through his chest, ripping his heart out. He knows he's experiencing heartbreak. His heart was something that he had built a fortress around and had guards on stand by at all times. Somehow, Buck found a way past the guards and broke down the walls of Eddie’s fortress. He made it his mission to get to know Eddie, to have Eddie let him in.
Loving Buck came naturally for Eddie, it was the easiest thing for him to do. The only thing that topped his love for Buck, was his love for Chris. Buck found solace in Eddie’s heart and made himself at home. He got to see parts of Eddie that no one did. When Buck was around, things were better, Buck made Eddie better, and Eddie made Buck better. They completed each other.
The tears were falling freely, he continued, “You and I both know more than anyone else that this job is unpredictable, that we might not come home at the end of the day. We had our close calls, but we always had each other to bring us home. I’m sorry I couldn’t bring you home this time, Buck. I’m sorry I didn’t do more, I’m sorry I couldn't save you. You were always able to do it for me but when you needed me to do it for you, I’m sorry I failed you. How am I supposed to live with myself? I know what you would say if you were here, you would tell me that it’s not my fault, and that you don’t blame me, and that I couldn’t have predicted you getting struck by lightning. But if that was true, you would still be here.”
Eddie was still working through his trauma, through his survivor's guilt, he’s still seeing Frank. Eddie knew he can’t go down this route again, knowing what happened last time. But last time he had Buck, now Buck’s gone. Buck wasn’t there to pull him out.
It was getting hard for Eddie to breathe, he was crying too hard now, his nose was getting congested.
He took a moment to calm himself down, to steady his breathing, “When I first started at the 118, I didn’t know what to expect, Bobby just told me he had a great team and had someone in mind that he thought we would work well together. He told me about the two incredible paramedics that worked well under pressure. When I asked about who I would be partnered with, he didn’t say much, just that you were someone who was a little reckless but wore his heart on his sleeve. I didn’t know what to expect on my first day, but you, Evan Buckley, weren’t it.
“I could have never predicted you, I couldn’t have seen you coming. You came into my life with a strong force and set up permanent residence, after a little tribulation. I wouldn’t have changed anything. You saw the parts of me that I tried to bury, tried to forget as I started anew. You saw the real me, you brought out a different side of me that I never knew I had. I don’t think I will ever move on from you, Buck. I don’t think I want to. I can’t go through this again. Chris can’t go through again, either.”
Eddie brought up his hand to wipe away the tears that poured out, he can taste the saltiness of them. He doesn’t remember the last time he cried this hard and for this long.
“You were the one that I wasn’t supposed to lose, Buck. I thought I would have you by my side for the rest of my life. But I guess some of us don’t get a happy ending because you were mine.”
Eddie never believed in fairytales, never believed in true love, or happily ever after. But Buck did, and Eddie believed in Buck.
Eddie knew his time was running out, it was getting late, Chris would be up soon. He had to break the news to him. Eddie didn’t want to say goodbye, because this one was forever. They never told each other goodbye, it was always see you later, because they would see each other again. But now it is goodbye, and not see you later.
“I will never find another love like yours, Buck. Because there is no love like yours, for you were once in a lifetime type of love. Love that I was privileged enough to experience, love that you so freely gave to me. I love you, Buck, I will always love you. I will see you again, someday.”
Eddie didn’t know if he truly believed the last part, he didn’t know what happened after you die, didn’t know where you went, or if you went anywhere. He didn’t believe in a lot of things, but he believed in his love for Buck, because that type of love never goes away, for it will always find a way back to each other.
Eddie got up from his chair and leaned over Buck, he kissed Buck’s forehead for the last time, he wrapped one arm around Buck's head, cradling his head, he rested his forehead against Buck's, savoring the last moments of holding Buck.
He made his way towards the door, stopping at the entrance, he took one last look at Buck, taking everything in, a tear ran down his cheek, “Goodbye, my love.”
He closed his eyes and rested his head against the cold metal frame of the door, the Saint Christoper medal and ring still in his hand, he raised them to his lips, kissing them. He pictured Buck alive, picturing his smile, picturing how excited he got over whatever topic he was interested in.
He wanted to remember Buck for how he lived, not for how he died.
Eventually, he left the room and headed out of the hospital. It was early morning now, the sun was rising. The blue sky which reminded Eddie of Buck’s eyes was painted shades of pink and oranges, colors that reminded Eddie of Buck.
Eddie looked up at the sky and smiled, a sense of calm washed over him, it was like Buck was there with him. Buck had made himself known, even in death, Buck was there to light the way.
“Hi, Buck”