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A Meet-Not-So-Cute: or, the epic battle between Caitlyn and Vi!

It begins....

“Alright Vi, you can do this.  You’re at the house, you have a crew.  The place looks rich.  Vander will only kill you if you screw up, and you’re not going to screw up.  You’ll get in, you’ll get out, everyone will think you’re awesome, and no one will ever know you had this conversation with yourself to psyche yourself up literally two seconds before you swing down, bust open a porch door, and rob a dumb Piltie.”

“What was that Vi?”

“I said, ‘shut up’, Mylo.”

“Vi, are we sure about this?  There’s a lot of Enforcers down there.  How did we even hear about this place?”

“A tip from Little Man, Claggor.  Said there was some fancy Piltie buying stuff with gold without haggling.  Even left an address for delivery.”

“Wait, why does Claggor get an answer and you just tell me to shut up!?”

“Shut up, Mylo.”

“This is bullshit!”

Vi sighed, and wondered just what, if anything, would ever manage to make Mylo shut up.  It’s not like shutting up is that hard.  Right now, Vi wasn’t saying anything.  That was shutting up.  She was about to say something, true, but at this very moment, shutting up was in full process.  Now, how to express the necessity of shutting up to Mylo?

Physical threats might work?

“Mylo, I will kick you off this roof and laugh as you fall.”

“Shutting up.”

There.  Problem solved.  The state of shutting up has been attained.

“Vi, this place looks really expensive.  What did this guy even look like?”

“Dark hair, five o’clock shadow, white vest with a red tie, total pretty boy,” Vi listed the traits that she had gleamed off of Ekko’s rambling earlier as she bent over to study the balcony they were about to enter.  It would be a quick swing, and then they’d be in.  Easy to get back over, and she had the route all mapped out in her head for the exit.  No one would ever even notice they were there…

“Oh, like him?”

“Like who, Powder?” Vi pulled herself away from her hype session

“Him!” her sister pointed and Vi tracked the finger to…

A dead ringer for the description.  He really was a disgusting pretty boy, and by the looks of it, a child predator.  He was being followed by an innocent and naïve looking and extremely attractive young woman, who was carrying a box of various random things.

Scum.  Using his good looks to deceive innocent and beautiful young girls into carrying his groceries for him.  The worst.

The despicable nature of topside, always seeking to exploit even themselves aside, this was a very important observation:

A person matching the exact description of the owner of the house they were about to rob, walking into the house.  As in, they were about to walk through the front doors of the house whose balcony they were about to break in.

“Shit.  Everyone, ‘The Flatback’.”

‘The Flatback’ was an ancient thieving technique, handed down through the generations.  It had been impressed upon Vi when she first learned it that no one was really sure where the name originated from, so steeped with mystery an ancient lore it was.  It was possible that it had arcane, even voidborne origins, so diabolical was its effectiveness.  It was whispered that those who employed it endangered their very souls with each use.  Nevertheless, Vi was prepared and trained in its use, and was certain it would see them to safety, so long as it was judiciously employed.

Instantly, on her word, Vi and the other three laid down flat on their backs on the steep angled roof, bracing themselves on the gutter and concealing themselves entirely from view of the street below.

Vi suspected whoever had come up with the name was just really unimaginative.  And that Vander might have been having her on when he built up the mystique of the maneuver back when she was learning it.

“Oh come on,” Mylo grumbled, though he made sure to keep his voice down.  Though his inability to shut up was probably genetic, a defect he would bear his entire life, even he respected ‘The Flatback’.  “What are the chances that some random dude on the street that Powder saw out of the corner of her eye really is the dude who’s house we were about to break in to…”

Beneath them, the distinct sound of a door unlocking and voices entering the room they were about to break into drifted upwards.  Vi gave Mylo a pointed look, raising an eyebrow.

“Alright,” Mylo still wasn’t doing that thing.  What was that thing that Vi had been trying to get him to do?  She had trying to get him to do it so often that it was an automatic reflex at this point and she honestly some times forgot she was doing it.  Ah, that was what it was.  ‘Shutting up’.  At least he was whispering quieter now.  “But what are the chances that whoever’s in there is actually going to come out onto the balcony?”

Below them, the distinct click of a balcony being unlocked (and honestly, Vi rolled her eyes, who the hell locked a balcony?  In Piltover, anyway.  In the undercity that was just common sense, but here?  Didn’t everyone in Piltover spend all their times holding hands and singing songs of peace, joy, and the happy oppression of all those beneath them?) sounded.

“Ah, there’s some fresh air,” a distinctly male voice declared happily.  “First thing I do whenever I get home is open the balcony.  I just think the fresh air helps get the creative juices flowing, you know?”

Vi saw Mylo roll his eyes in exasperation, and she saw him open his mouth to continue to complain.  Then he saw her glaring at him, and he wisely did that thing she had been trying to get him to do.

Vi was glad, because so far for all that Mylo liked to complain about Powder being a jinx, everything he had declared wouldn’t happen on this heist had done exactly that.  If he said something stupid like ‘But who would check the roof?’, then Vi was certain the next thing they would see is a ladder being propped up so the owner could spend some quality time thinking on their roof or something.

Freaking Pilties are just crazy enough for it to actually happen.

Weirdos; actually needing a ladder to get to the roof?  Every four-year-old can do it on their own in the undercity.

 “Well, my lady,” the douche bag was probably addressing his underage pedophile bait, “how does the esteemed House Kiramman judge the spending of their funds?  Is everything up to your expert expectations?”

Douche.  Douche.  Douche.  Seriously.  Also, who was his pedobait?  From the way he was talking she was probably super rich.

Vi decided she was going to hate the outrageously good looking other girl.  The moment she opened her mouth, whatever came out, was going to be mocked relentlessly in her head.

Pedobait tittered, and Vi decided she hated the titter. 

“Well, good sir Jayce,” Pedobait declared, and Vi nodded solemnly at the pompous tone of the voice.  Hated it.  “I don’t know.  I see a great deal of equipment around, but I fear I don’t hear of any results.  What, pray tell, have you recently done to continue to warrant the support of the esteemed Kiramman?”

Definitely rich.  Also, total bitch.  Hated her. 

“No!  But without the funding of the sponsorship of your noble house, whatever shall a poor craftsman like me do?”  That was Douche again.  Poor guy, sounded utterly terrified, in a douchey kind of way.  Probably so douchey he didn’t realize he sounded fake.  Total tool.  Hated him too.  “Perhaps there is something I could offer, oh esteemed mistress, that would convince you to have leniency on this humble soul?”

Aha!  Proof of the greedy and conniving nature of the perfidious topsiders.  Also, this guy really shoulda picked a better pedobait to predatorize.  This one seemed like they might be too much for him.  As another young woman who had to deal with idiots all the time, Vi was trying to decide if that was enough to impress her.

Nope, she decided.  Still hating.

“I have been craving cupcakes,” Pedobait chirped slyly, and Douche laughed.  “Though you should be aware that mother has been waiting for your results from the Academy.  How have you been doing in class?”

“Very well,” Douche declared proudly.  “Though honestly, anyone who receives a patronage is literally being paid just to study, so I don’t see how I wouldn’t.”

Vi paused, blinking twice as she took the conversation she was listening in.  Wait… paid to study?  Patronage? 

Slowly, she turned to look over at Powder.  Her sister, who had one finger up her nose digging for boogers, caught Vi’s gaze and raised an eyebrow in confusion.

Hmmmm.

Still confused by Vi’s stare, Powder hesitantly raised the hand not  buried in her nose and waived at her.

Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

It was while Vi was deep in thought, an unexpected plan starting to formulate, that Mylo somehow managed to not shut up, even without talking.

While shifting, the boy managed to elbow one of the shingles loose, and it clattered down the roof before falling, crashing on the ground three stories below.

Vi narrowed her eyes, and turned to Mylo.  He shrugged, grimacing and mouthing ‘whoops’.

Well, maybe the Pilties didn’t hear it?  Pilties were notoriously thick headed and unobservant.  It was the lack of chemicals in the air, resulting in subpar survival adaption. 

“Did you hear that?” Pedobait asked, her unbelievably lovely voice sounding cautious.  Vi went stiff.  

“It was just a loose tile,” Douche dismissed, and Mylo pumped a hand in victory.

The act shook loose another tile.

Vi became convinced that it was impossible for Mylo not to make noise.  He was no doubt blessed or cursed by some sort of noise causing spirit or demon, an avatar of the lack of silence.  No doubt churches would be built to worship him as he spread the word of unquiet at the behest of his patron deity.

“There it was again,” Pedobait declared, definitely sounding suspicious.

“It was probably just an animal,” Douche dismissed.

Vi met Mylo’s eyes, frantically waiving at him to capitalize on the opening given him.  She would do it herself but if Mylo truly was the apostle of some divine/eldritch Noisebringer being, then this was his chance to use his mystic powers for the good of all!

Mylo looked around, panicking, and finally called out, ‘”Mooooo”.

Vi sunk her head in her hands.

Demon then.  Definitely not a god.  If it was a god that had chosen Mylo, it was a very, very stupid god and should not be worshiped.

“Moo?” Pedobait repeated, sounding confounded.  “Do you mean to imply that you have a cow on your roof, Jayce?”

“Er,” Douche hesitated.  “Well, you see, my neighbor is studying animal husbandry, and has been known to sneak specimens into his room.  Maybe he brought a cow for some reason…?”

Vi changed her opinion.  Praise the Noisebringer.  She vowed to build a shrine to her new favorite god as soon as she was no longer in danger of being caught.

Still, there was no way this was going to last for long, so she hurriedly waived at Powder and Claggor to follow her, and for Mylo to continue.

“Moooooo!”

Their feet pattered on the shingles, and below she could hear Pedobait.  “Wait, so the cow escaped and is on the roof?  How did it even get up there!?”

“Moooooooooooooo!”

“It must have been a very odd breeding pattern?”

“Mooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

*Scene Break*

Later, after they had returned to the Last Drop empty handed but without pursuit, and after she had punched Mylo several times, and after she asked Powder to decorate the small shrine Vi put together on the off chance that Mylo really did have a patron deity, Vi replayed the conversation she had overheard in her head.

Judging from the sound of the conversation, it sounded a lot like Douche was some sort of student or scholar or something.  It sounded like he might not have enough money on his own for this Academy place, something about him being a poor craftsman.  So in order for him to get enough money, he had gotten some sort of ‘sponsorship’ from someone who has enough money to pay for him.

Based on the conversation, Pedobait was some sort of rich bitch whose family was most likely footing the bill.  It also sounded like she had a habit of bullying the man and extorting bribes out of him in order to keep the money coming. 

Vi felt the smallest dwindling of hatred for Douche.  That poor sod.  Even if he was a bougie Piltie, he found himself suffering under the oppressive boot of an even more bougie Piltie.  Then again, maybe he had simply used his innate pretty boy powers to somehow charm the daughter without realizing that she was actually a huge blackmailing uber-bitch until it was too late?

Yes, she decided, if he brought it upon himself than it was fine.  Her hatred rekindled nicely.

Now though, it was time to see if the idea she had was doable.

She needed more information, Vi decided.  Time to begin infiltrating…

***Scene Break***

Jayce had many expectations.  Most of them, however, were about life, his research, what he would be having for dinner and other mundane and diverse topics.  There were some things to which he had very high expectations, such as his research, however there were some for which he had very low expectations.  For instance, when tying his shoes, his expectations were quite simple: laces remain tied for an extended period of time.  There.  Easy, simple, low stakes.

One of the things in his life that he had similarly low expectations for was opening his front door.  The expectation is simple: his house will be untouched and empty, with everything as he left it since he departed it.

Sometimes though, those low expectations despite their simpleness were betrayed; like that time his shoe laces came undone when he was on his way to class and tripped and fell into the classroom nearly crushing Professor Heimerdinger’s pet poro.

Today, he found another one of those expectations betrayed.  The opening of his door should not have resulted in anything more exciting than perhaps realizing he forgot to close his balcony door and a stray cat had gotten inside and messed up his tools.

“You there, Jack!” the pink haired young woman standing in front of him snapped.  Jayce blinked at the unexpected vision that had appeared behind his open door, and briefly considered that he might have gone to the wrong room by accident.  He considered simply closing the door and checking the apartment number when the pink haired girl reached out, snatched his tie, and pulled him with entirely unexpected force into his apartment. She kicked the door shut after her, manhandling his larger but off-balance frame until she could push him into one of the chairs.

“Whoa!” Jayce let out a very manly and not at all high-pitched yelp as he found himself seated with the pink haired girl looming over him, arms crossed and glaring.  “Who are you, and how the hell did you get in here?”

Jayce made to stand, and the girl brought one leg up, stomping it down on the armrest, effectively trapping him in the chair.

“My name is Vi, and I got in through the balcony,” she told him.  “Good on you for locking it, by the way.  Most of the other balcony’s were all unlocked.  Very unsafe.  Sorry about your lock, by the way.”

Jayce could make out the dented balcony door, a clear muddy foot print on it indicating just how this Vi managed to get in.

“Wha?  Why the hell did you do that?  Is, is this a robbery?”  Jayce was a fit man, he knew.  Years of working the forge had given him a respectable physique.  However, being buff didn’t necessary translate into combat ability.  Jayce was actually something of a pacifist.  He had traded strong words once with a classmate, and had felt terrible about it for weeks.

This intruder was younger than him and a girl to boot, but to be honest, when he looked into her eyes, he saw his death.  Socially, anyway.  Caitlyn would never let him live it down if he got beat up by a girl her age.

“What?  No, that’s stupid,” the girl told him crossing her arms and scowling at him.  “If I was robbing the place, why would I still be here?  I’ve been waiting for you like an hour, by the way.  Didn’t your classes get out like two hours ago?  It’s rude to keep someone waiting, Jim.”

“Er, sorry?” Jayce responded, unable to argue with her logic about her being here if she was robbing him.  Somehow, that also translated to him not feeling polite mentioning that it was precisely rude to keep someone he had never met and had no expected appointments with waiting.

Jayce was kind of a push over like that.

“No, this is an anti-robbery,” the girl went on, nodding her head authoritatively.

“Anti-robbery?” Jayce repeated.  He had no idea what that was supposed to be, but the girl SEEMED to know what she was talking about so maybe he was just ignorant…?

“Yeah, an anti-robbery,” the girl repeated.  “In a robbery, you break in and take stuff.  I broke in to bring stuff, which makes it the exact reverse of a robbery.”

“Bring stuff…?” Jayce repeated, and followed the girl’s arm as she swept it towards a table and found to his surprise that yes, there were a collection of oddities on it that he didn’t recall owning this morning.

“So, it was a little tricky to track down, but I managed to get the gist of it,” the girl continued, and brazenly dragged the table over so that it trapped Jayce in the chair, as well as putting the collection of contraptions in hands reach.  “You Pilties are so rich that your kids don’t have to work.  So in order to keep the bored kids from driving their parents crazy, you made up some bullshit thing called ‘school’ in order to get them out of the house for a few hours.  Since they have to go, someone had the idea of making these ‘school’ places give lessons so that parents can pretend that’s the reason they’re actually sending their brats there, right?”

“Er, I think you have that technically right, but also technically wrong…”

“And even though most of the brats will end up forgetting everything and just going to work for their parents like the pathetic failures they are, sometimes people are actually smart enough to do something with themselves, and super rich people like to buy them up as ‘Patrons’ so they can enslave them later on and claim credit for their work…”

“Again, both right and wrong…”

“But the only way you can get one of those mega rich Pilties to notice you is if you manage to show them something really impressive, and since I have no idea which one of you Pilties are rich enough and thus couldn’t break into one of their houses, I figured I could break into yours, and once you’re impressed you can introduce me to one of the ones who are actually rich enough.”

“And there’s the reason you broke into my house,” Jayce nodded slowly, finally understanding just what the hell was going on.  Actually, after listening to the girl’s plan, it really wasn’t that bad of one. 

Judging from the clothes, general appearance, and continual use of the word ‘Piltie’ it stood to reason that this girl was from the Undercity.  Her family most likely didn’t have enough income, judging from her reference to child labor, and couldn’t afford to send her to school.  It would make sense that they would want to try to utilize the Patron system in that case: if they managed to snag a Patron than not only would they have a chance to get a superior education, but also food, clothing, and shelter, as well as a potential shew in for employment once they completed their studies. 

“Well, Jared,” the girl continued, waving her hands in a ‘get on with it’ gesture.  “Take a look at these.  I tried to find the ones which were most likely to actually explode so you can see them work.”

“Actually, my name is Jayce,” he corrected, his hand stopping right before he picked up one of the trinkets in front of him.  “And by explode you don’t mean actually explode, do you?”

“Whatever, Jimbo.”  The girl looked impatient.  “And sure, no they won’t explode, or whatever.  Just look at them.”

Very, very cautiously, Jayce started examining the items which were all shaped and painted like little animals.  It was rather adorable, and if the girl in front of him cared enough about cute things, than maybe she wasn’t as tough as she was making herself out to be.

Though Jayce was initially cautious (as he identified a detonator on a few of the samples which meant yes, explosions were very real possibilities here), he quickly found himself immersed.  Cautious handling during the disassembling allowed him to keep his eyebrows intact, and the actual internal mechanisms present weren’t half bad.  There were a few issues which prevented the devices from full potency, minor things such as inefficient connectors or corroded mechanisms, but Jayce reasoned that these were more the result of the girl having to scrounge for parts than errors in designs.

All said, it wasn’t bad.  It wasn’t bad at all.  Still, Jayce found himself frowning slightly.

“Look,” he began, turning to the girl and pausing as he realized the girl still hadn’t named herself.

“It’s Vi,” the girl announced, understanding he was waiting for a name.  “It stands for ‘Violently Impatient,’ Jason.”

“Ah, right,” Jayce nodded.  Then he scowled.  “And it’s Jayce.  Anyway, I have to say, what you’re presenting here isn’t actually too bad for someone your age.  I’m sure you had some challenges in pursuing your education, and it shows dedication that you’re comparable to someone your age who’s been in the academy.  But I’d say it’s not something terribly ground breaking.  It might be hard to find a Patron who’s willing to invest in someone who isn’t already showing exceptional promise.”

“These weren’t made by me,” Vi corrected.  “They were made by my ten-year-old sister.  Who learned to read under a bar, and taught herself engineering from half of a math textbook she found in the trash.”

Jayce paused. 

“Okay,” he admitted, sitting up a bit straighter.  “That’s a great deal more impressive.  Wait, how did she learn engineering from a math text?”

“We’ve been trying to figure that out for years,” Vi nodded in commiseration.  “Anyway, so can you hook me up with some rich bitch to see about getting that patron thing for my sister?”

“Well, I don’t really have the best connections with most of the patrons, but I think with this much I might be able to arrange a meeting with my own,” Jayce admitted.  “Though I would really like to meet the girl in question and have a chance to talk with them a bit before I do that.  I would like to get a better grasp of their general education before putting myself out there as a recommendation.”

He expected the offer to be met with cheer at the success, however to his surprise Vi looked like she had bitten into a lemon.

“With that dominatrix, blackmailing pedobait?  Ugh,” Vi groaned.  “I know we’re gonna have to put up with some rich asshole, but I’m not sure I want my sister around someone that cruel…”

“Wait, cruel?  Dominatrix?  Pedobait?” Jayce was absolutely confused by the descriptions Vi was throwing out, and blinked before he managed to put someone who almost fit the description?  At least, the only girl he knew young enough for one of them.  “You mean Caitlyn?  But she’s one of the nicest people I know!”

“Nice?” Vi scoffed.  “Listen, just the other day she was holding your sponsorship hostage for cupcakes of all things.  You think someone as rich as that would be able to buy their own.  That seems pretty low, even by you Piltie’s standards.”

“The other day… were you spying on me!?”

“Of course,” Vi rolled her eyes.  “That was when I actually was planning on robbing you.  How the hell do you think I found out about you in the first place?”

“So you were planning a robbery!”

“Yes, yes, and now we’re having an anti-robbery,” Vi pointed out in exasperation.  Really, were the concepts in play here that hard to understand?  If this was the standards of intelligence necessary to get a patron, then maybe Vi had been overthinking this whole scheme.  “Try to keep up, Joseph.”

“It’s Jayce!  And putting aside the robbery/anti-robbery, Caitlyn wasn’t blackmailing me!  We were just having fun!  We’re friends, and we like to tease each other!”

“Oh,” Vi’s eyes widened in sudden, compassionate understanding.  Surprisingly gently for how she’d been acting the rest of the meeting, she began to pat Jayce’s shoulders in an understanding way.  “Oh, Jackson, I’ve seen this before.  Just because she tells you she loves you, it doesn’t give her the right to hurt you or demean you.  You deserve to be respected.  Just because she pays the bills, doesn’t mean she owns you.  Do… do you have anyone you can go to?  Someone who can help you while you get on your feet?”

“W-what?” Jayce stammered, now completely lost.

“I’ve seen plenty of abusive relationships in the Undercity,” Vi continued, still sounding understanding.  “I know it can seem like a lot, but you are your own person!  You deserve better!”

“It’s not like that at all!” Jayce whined, the frustration getting the better of him as he listened to the other girl slander his friend as a result of a complete misunderstanding.

“There, there,” Vi hugged his head to her limited and entirely too muscled chest, still patting him soothingly.  “There, there.  It’ll get better.”

***Scene Break***

“What I don’t understand is why you don’t want me to come along,” Caitlyn pouted, as despite Jayce’s request she continued to tag along.  “If you’re interviewing a potential sponsor for the Kiramman, it would make sense to have a Kiramman along?  Or me as a close substitute?”

Jayce sighed, but chuckled slightly at Caitlyn’s self-effacing jibe.  Caitlyn’s status as a misfit to her family was something they both were comfortable joking about. 

“I haven’t actually met the girl yet,” Jayce pointed out.  “It seems like a waste of time to get your family involved if I interview them and find out that they don’t have potential.”

“But haven’t you already met them?  Didn’t they seek you out to be their intermediary?” Caitlyn asked, holding the door to Jayce’s apartment open for the two of them.  When she had stopped by the academy earlier in order to try and convince Jayce to take her to the undercity, she had been surprised when he admitted to already having a commitment. 

At first, she had hoped that perhaps he had met someone and begun dating, though whether she would encourage him or tease him would depend entirely on how nervous he was about the upcoming date.  However, when he had admitted that someone had approached him as a potential intermediary to the Kiramman for the purpose of securing a patron, Caitlyn had been intrigued instead.

Despite Jayce’s efforts, she had decided to tag along with the intent of meeting this new potential applicant. 

No, it had nothing to do with the fact that Caitlyn had very few friends among her peers.  It had even less to do with the fact that she had the most success in the friend department with Jayce, a successful protégé, and was hoping maybe to emulate that success and make a new friend.

“It was actually the girl’s sister who approached me.  She looked to be about your age,” Jayce admitted, and successfully suppressed an eye twitch at the memory of the meeting.  Though he had secured a date for meeting Vi’s sister, who was named Powder he had discovered, he still hadn’t been successful in convincing the girl that no, he really wasn’t in denial about being in an abusive relationship with a girl ten years younger than him who was also the daughter of his patron.

Though it appeared that Vi really did have experience helping people who were in those relationship.  She actually had quite an inspirational speech prepared about the how skewed power dynamics can result in incorrect perception of obligatory reciprocity. 

It demonstrated a caring and supportive side of Vi that wasn’t really displayed in her normal demeanor, and was part of the reason Jayce hadn’t lost his patience with the whole thing and just kicked her out.  Or, you know, not kick her out himself seeing as he could still see his death in her eyes, but he could have called for an Enforcer.

“Her sister was actively investigating and soliciting patrons on her behalf?” Caitlyn sounded intrigued.  “She sounds like quite a wonderful person!”

“Yeah…” Jayce sighed.  “She’s… she’s something alright.”

“Well, where are we going to meet them?” Caitlyn prompted as they reached Jayce’s floor.

“Actually, I’m willing to bet they’re already in my room,” Jayce admitted.  Caitlyn raised an eyebrow at that.

“They must have made quite the impression if you were willing to give them a copy of your key!” Caitlyn exclaimed.  Inside, she was elated at this development.

The potential protégé themselves was significantly younger than Caitlyn, which she felt didn’t really diminish the potential for friendship, seeing as there was an age gap between her and Jayce that she had surmounted through effort.  But if the sister was around her age, was so diligent and kind as to do her best for her sister, and make a good enough first impression that she was trusted with access to Jayce’s residence, then surely, she must be a kind and gentle young woman. 

Surely even a misfit like Caitlyn could manage to win companionship from someone so basic, er, approachable.

“I don’t think giving a key would really make a difference,” Jayce muttered.  As he approached his door, sure enough he noticed both that it was still locked, and also that there were noises indicating his room was occupied.

“Hey, it’s Julian!”

“Hey man.  You gotta lot of stuff.”

“Sorry to intrude.”

“Hello, Mr. Julian!”

“Oh sweet gods, they’re multiplying,” Jayce muttered, taking in the four children who had broken into his home.  The larger boy with goggles at least had the grace to look sheepish.  The other three were making themselves right at home.

“Just a sec, Jerald,” Vi told him, before smacking the smaller boy who had been about to pocket Jayce’s prized nose hair trimmer.  “No.  Bad Mylo, bad.  Anti-robbery, not regular robbery.”

“I still don’t think that’s a real word,” the newly named Mylo muttered.

“I spoke it, it’s a word.  It’s a new word.  Just invented.  You owe me a cog every time you use it.”

“Congratulations, sis!  You’re an inventor too!”

“Thank you, Powder.”

“So this is Powder,” Jayce took in the younger girl, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.  She grinned cheerfully, and waived at him.  “And it’s Jayce.”

“Whatever, Jethro.” Vi rolled her eyes.

“It’s really nice to meet you, Mr. Jayce!” Powder declared skipping over and offering her hand to shake.  Jayce immediately decided he liked her, seeing as she had the ability to actually use his name.  “I have to ask, is that a real Valdiani orrery?  It’s fantastic!”

Jayce upgraded her from ‘like’ to ‘favorite’. 

“Yes, it is,” he confirmed happily, taking her hand and giving it a firm shake.  “It was a present from my mother when I got accepted to the academy.”

“Man, than it’s really good this is an anti-robbery,” Powder nodded.  “If this was a normal robbery, that would have been the first thing I went for!”

Jayce’s smile twitched, but managed to maintain firm.

“My word, everyone is certainly spirited,” Caitlyn murmured, glancing around the eclectic mix of people gathered before her.  Her eyes settled on Vi, and…

Oh.  Caitlyn hadn’t been aware that she had a type, but apparently, she did.  She also hadn’t been aware that she was a lesbian, and now she knew.

Huh.  That was good and bad.  Good that she got that cleared up, bad because now it made incoming interactions with her planned future friend, more complicated. 

So.  This was gay panic?  She’d heard of it, but never really thought it was real.

Truly, today was a day of firsts.  She would no doubt look back on this day with fondness and reverence.

For now, oh gods, gay panic!

She braced herself. 

‘You got this, Caitlyn,’ she told herself.  ‘This is the first step for actual, attractive female human contact of the same age.  Just put aside the fact that she’s so utterly ravishing that you have forgotten how to word.  You got this.  Just be yourself.  Wait, no, being myself never worked for making friends, much less impressing crushes.  Be someone else?  Who do you know that makes good impressions?  Shit.  And now the pause is getting awkwardly long.  Alright, be yourself and hope it works for once.  First, make a good impression….’

“You must be Vi,” she began stepping forward and attempting a smile.

Instantly, Vi moved to stand between her and Powder, arms spread wide.

“Shit, didn’t think the pedobait would be here,” she muttered, eyeing Caitlyn as she waited for her to reveal her true evil colors.  “Jerry, does she still have her claws in you?  Blink twice if you’re in danger.”

Jayce sighed, sinking his head in his hand. 

“That’s once,” Mylo whispered to Claggor, who nodded seriously.

“I’ll keep an eye on him for the second,” Claggor confirmed back to Mylo, before reaching into Mylo’s pocket and pulling out some stolen equipment and putting it back.

“Hey, how did that get there?” Mylo blinked, honestly not having remembered stealing it in the first place.

“P-p-pedobait?” Caitlyn stuttered. This… this was not how she hoped this conversation would go.  Ideally, it would have ended with Vi sweeping her off her feet and taking her back to her bedroom.  This was not that.

“I’ve seen the way you treat Jerick,” Vi declared.  “Using your stupidly pretty face to take advantage of him!  You should be ashamed of yourself, using that unrealistically attractive body to lure him and then abusing him like that!  I won’t let you sink your claws into my sister!”

“Er,” Caitlyn managed to get out through her growing fluster.  ‘Stupidly pretty face’?  ‘Unrealistically attractive body’? 

Was she being insulted or complimented?

‘This was not basic!  This was not basic at all!  Someone, bring me a manual!’ Caitlyn screamed internally.

“I beg your pardon?” she managed outwardly.

“You definitely won’t get it,” Vi snapped.  “I know all about your type!  First you lure your prey in with those outrageously attractive eyes, and then after you’ve sunk your claws in it’s too late!  Any attempt to get free is probably blocked by those stupid pouty irresistible lips!”

“Well I never!” Caitlyn still didn’t know if she was being complimented or not, and put her hands on her hips, straightening up as she did so.  The results were immediate.

“Stop!  I see you trying to use your wicked ways against me!” Vi declared, backing away and holding her hands up as though to stop Caitlyn from approaching.  “It won’t work on me!  I’m impervious to your extreme good looks!”

Jayce watched the interaction for a moment, and tried to decide if he should intervene or not.

Then he realized that if Vi was focused on Caitlyn, then he was out of the crosshairs, and with a nod he threw his friend to the proverbial wolves.

“So,” he turned to Powder, giving her an encouraging smile.  “I understand that you’re the inventor hoping to acquire a patron?”

“Yup,” Powder nodded eagerly.  She held up a handful of new trinkets that Jayce took from her obligingly.  “Sorry that you had to see my other stuff.  Vi didn’t tell me what she was planning, so she took some of my bad ones.  These should be much better!”

“I see,” Jayce nodded, leading the way to the table, the young girl following him.  It only took a moment’s glance to see the difference, and Jayce was impressed.  “Yes, I can see.  I had thought that you must have been working with sub-standard components.  These ones seem much higher in quality.”

“Thanks,” Powder grinned happily.  “I shanked six people to get them!”

Jayce paused, and decided he didn’t want to know.

“I’ll have you know I have never even attempted to use my looks to get anything!” Caitlyn was defending herself, face flushed in rage, and ONLY RAGE as Vi continued to bully her with compliments.

“Bullshit!” Vi snapped back.  “You expect me to believe that you’re that attractive without trying?  No way in hell, Princess!”

“Are they flirting or fighting?” Mylo whispered to Claggor.  Claggor studied the two girls for a second, before finally nodding.

“Yes,” he declared, and then sighed as Mylo unconsciously put a set of tools into his pocket.  Claggor decided to just let it run its course, and frisk Mylo for loot before they left.

“So I understand you have mostly been self-directed in your education?” Jayce ignored them, purposefully focusing on Powder.  “If you don’t mind, I’d like to cover a few topics to see how far you would be in a standard curriculum.”

“Sure thing Mr. Jayce!” the girl nodded enthusiastically.

“So you know the basics of arithmetic: addition and subtraction, multiplication and division, correct?”

“Sure do!  Like, one thousand and sixty five point three times two hundred and eighty seven point eight three two is three hundred and six thousand, six undred and twenty seven point four two nine six!” Powder declared, deciding that a demonstration of ability was probably a smart idea.  “And if you divide that by two hundred and eighty thousand point five you get one point zero nine five zero nine… wait, how far should I go with that?”

Jayce opened his mouth, not wanting to reveal that he couldn’t calculate those equations in his head like the much younger girl could apparently do, then closed his mouth instead.

“No, I think that’s a fine demonstration,” he told her.  “And is your mastery of algebra similar?”

“Sure!” Powder nodded.  “Like if how you throw a bomb at a certain speed, then the distance it would travel would be ‘f’ times the sum of ‘t’ and ‘h’ minus the result of ‘f’ times ‘t’, all over ‘h’ where ‘t’ means…”

“No, no, that’s enough,” Jayce tried to conceal a small sheen of sweat on his forehead as Powder started explaining complex equations.  And mentioning the usage of explosives in casual association with the equation.  “How about geometry?”

“Geometry?” Powder repeated, frowning slightly, biting her lips and looking worried.  “I… I don’t think I know that one?  What is it about?”

“Stop trying to entice me with those seductive hips!” Vi sounded in the background.  The pink haired girl was glaring in full force at Caitlyn, arms crossed in defiance.  “It won’t work!”

“I’m doing nothing of the sort!” Caitlyn declared, huffing as she folded her arms and stomped a foot in frustration.  Was this interaction going well or not!?  Someone explain it to her!  Is she being complimented or insulted!?  Is she making a good impression or a bad one?!  “And I’ll have you know that if I were to be doing something, I’m certain it would be accomplished more than adequately!”

“She admits it!” Vi declared, snapping and pointing dramatically.  “I bet that when she goes home tonight the first thing she’ll do is write in her diary about how she had managed to snare another innocent victim!  But the joke is on you!  You have snared nothing, you hear me!  And also, there are very few crimes at this point that I’m innocent of!  So, ha!”

“That is not at all what I write about in my diary!” Caitylyn stomped several times now.  Had Vi just admitted that she was being snared?  Did Caitlyn want to snare her?  Is snaring a good thing?  What’s going on!?

“Another confession!” Vi laughed victoriously.  “So, you do have a diary!”

Jayce tried very hard to getting back to ignoring the two.  They didn’t appear to be discussing anything important to the patronage.

“Well,” Jayce began, focusing back on Powder and feeling a mix of relief that there was apparently a theoretical branch of math that the girl wasn’t his superior at and concern at what appeared to be a large gap in her education, “it deals with the quantifying various values of different shapes…”

“Oh, that math’s bananas!” Powder declared, and Jayce smiled slightly.

“Well, it might be a complicated discipline, but the equations are all proven…”

“Oh, no, I meant that’s the Banana Math!” Powder interrupted him, shaking her head as she explained.  “The chapter with all those had this smelly banana peel on the title, so I couldn’t make out the name of the chapter so I just called it ‘Banana Math’, but I got it!”

“I… I see,” Jayce pursed his lips.  “And you’re only ten years old?”

“Yup!  I mean, who actually knows the actual date they’re born, but we think I should be about that age!”

“In that case,” Jayce found his ability to selectively ignore had increased the longer he dealt with the Undercity horde that had invaded his life, “I have to say, you’re very advanced for your age.  It’s quite impressive.”

“Aww,” Powder blushed, holding her hands behind her back and sheepishly tapping one foot behind the other.  “Thanks, Mr. Jayce!”

“Honestly, I have a few other areas to cover,” Jayce began, smiling warmly at the younger girl.  “I have a few placement exams that I borrowed from the university for you to go over.  If we see any areas that might be problems, I can give you some literature so you can shore up the topics.  However, from just what I’ve seen I think securing a patron for you shouldn’t be an issue.”

Really, she was smart, precocious, and adorable.  Jayce was honestly more concerned that the Kiramman’s might make an attempt at adopting the younger girl at some point.  It was difficult for him to believe that the young girl was actually related to Vi.

He glanced over to where the older sister was still… engaging with his friend.

“You are the most aggravatingly attractive person I have ever met!” Caitlyn’s fists trembled at her side and started stomping in frustrating again. 

“And what are you going to do about it, huh?” Vi challenged back, hands on her hips as she leaned in.  “I bet you’ll try to lord the whole patronage thing over my head?  No matter how much you might use it to threaten me, I won’t be beaten!”

“I would never use such a thing!” Caitlyn declared back hotly, outraged at even the though.  “In fact, you know what?  I’m going to do the exact opposite!  I’m going to do everything in my power, in the name of the Kiramman, to ensure that your sister receives our Patronage!  So there!  Take that!”

Jayce’s eye twitched at the interaction.  It appeared that somehow, Vi had managed to convince Caitlyn to support her sister.  He wasn’t sure how.  In fact, the entire conversation between the two was so outside of his realm of experience, that he didn’t even know if he classified it as ‘communication’ as he was traditionally familiar with.

“Did your sister plan that?” he had to ask, glancing at Powder.  The young girl pursed her lips, appearing equally befuddled as he was.

“Nah, Vi isn’t really that smart,” Powder admitted.

Jayce could believe that.

***Scene Break***

“So just when will the young lady be here?” Tobias Kiramman asked Jayce as the older man straightened his tie.  Cassandra ‘tutted’ brushing his hands away as she set about straightening the accessory.

“Well, the original plan was Powder and her family to arrive at around four,” Jayce recalled, standing respectfully to the side as his patrons puttered by him.  As the introducing intermediary for the potential upcoming patronage, it was traditional that he be present for this meeting to make official introductions.  It was meant to ensure the beginning of a polite conversation between the two potential parties.

Given what Jayce knew of Powder’s family, he had few illusions about how things were about to proceed.

“And since the plan was for around four, we might see them at any point between two and then,” he concluded.

“I see,” Cassandra nodded, taking in the expectation of their guests arriving early.  “It shows well on them to arrive early to ensure punctuality.”

Jayce didn’t mention that them arriving early was more to give them the opportunity to break into the meeting place and lay traps.  He felt it would negatively affect the upcoming negotiations.

The fact that the meeting place was the Kiramman Mansion didn’t asway him from his belief.  To Jayce, it just meant that there were more places to trap.

“Mother, how does this outfit look?” Caitlyn broke into the conversation, racing down the stairs to slide to a stop in front of Cassandra.  Jayce noted that his young friend was wearing her full hunting outfit for some reason.

“Perhaps something a little more flattering, dear,” Cassandra advised her, raising an eyebrow as Caitlyn raced away, back up to the second floor where her room was without a word.  “What on Runeterra has gotten into that girl?”

Jayce, was very much aware of just what had gotten into Caitlyn.  Unfortunately aware, even, in his opinion.

He had been made aware when Caitlyn had sought him out every day since her first meeting with Vi, inquiring if he had seen the ‘beautiful pink haired girl’ at any point since the last time she had asked.  He had been made aware, every time Caitlyn let loose a little a dreamy sigh when she mentioned the Undercity girl.  The awareness was underscored when he would find her dreamily sketching the other girl in a fashion he considered a little too flatteringly, with hearts drawn around the face.

Considering their only interaction so far, Jayce believed that Caitlyn might be creatively misremembering the other girl’s personality.

Jayce decided to hold his peace. 

“Oh, this is all so exciting,” Tobias beamed, stepping back as Cassandra deemed his tie appropriate.  “I’m quite excited to meet young Powder and her family.”

“Mother, how about this?”  He was interrupted as Caitlyn again slide to a stop directly in front of Cassandra.  This time, Jayce noted with a raised eyebrow, she was wearing what appeared to be a little black cocktail dress.  Jayce had no idea Caitlyn even HAD something like that.

“Perhaps something with a little more decorum?” Cassandra ventured, and again Caitlyn raced away without a word.  “It seems the excitement is quite contagious.”

“That is one way of putting it,” Tobias sighed, looking a little lost at his daughters behavior.  “Jayce, do you have any insight?”

Yes, Jayce absolutely did.  No, he wasn’t going to share it.

“I’m sure she is just seeking to make the best impression possible on Powder’s family,” he offered diplomatically.

“If she had only spent more time participating in society, perhaps she wouldn’t be floundering now,” Cassandra tutted, accepting his offered explanation.

“And now, Mother?” Caitlyn had again skidded to a halt in front of her mother, now wearing, to Jayce’s consternation, a full ballroom gown.

“A little less formal, perhaps,” Cassandra offered dryly, and Caitlyn disappeared yet again.

That was three times now that Caitlyn had run up a flight of stairs, down a hallway, changed her clothes, and ran back, Jayce noted.  He was mildly disturbed that she didn’t even look winded despite the vigorous exercise the trip entailed.

“Well it is good to see her so fired up to socialize,” Tobias hummed, looking a little too amused at his daughter’s fluster.

“I suppose,” Cassandra sighed, adjusting her cuff links and straightening her blouse.  The taking of a protégé was not an exceedingly formal event, so while the older woman’s outfit was expensive it wasn’t to the point of excess.  She understood that Powder came from the Undercity, and she assumed that her and her family would not know or care much for typical Piltover pageantry.  This event was meant to be less about ceremony and more about simple introductions.  “I’ll take what interest I can get.”

“Now, dear,” Tobias rolled his eyes in good nature.  “Caitlyn is a fine young woman, with great convictions.  I’m sure we can expect great things from her.”

“I know,” Cassandra sighed.  She agreed with Tobias, and she believed in her daughter.  Caitlyn had shown intelligence with her grades, and great moral fiber.  She was certain that her daughter was developing into a fine person…

“Mother…” Caitlyn began, and Cassandra sighed as she took in the latest outfit: a three piece tuxedo. 

“Just wear your uniform, dear,” Cassandra told her expectant daughter.

“But…” Caitlyn began, chewing on her lip in worry.  Vi had already seen her in her uniform.  How was Caitlyn supposed to impress the other girl if she just wore the same thing every time?

She was interrupted in her attempt to explain her state of mind by the ringing of the estate bell.

“Eep!  Oh spirits they’re here!”

Jayce watched as Caitlyn raced up the stairs one final time, and he sighed.

He should support his friend.  Really, he should.  He just wished that his support didn’t have to involve scary Undercity girl’s that broke into his house and threatened him with homemade explosives.

Jayce moved to stand beside the Kiramman parents, a little behind and to the side per tradition.  He was expecting the small stream of children who he had become a little too familiar with over the last few weeks.  He smiled and made a small waive at Powder, who grinned and waived back energetically.

Then their father, a man whom Jayce knew was named Vander but had never met, came in.  Okay, Jayce was in well over above average shape.  He knew that.  But great spirits, Vander’s muscles had muscles!  This was a man that looked like they could wrestle a bear!  For fun!  And then outdrink the bear afterwards!

And, Jayce noted with ever draining confidence, the other man did not look the most pleased to be there.

If Jayce could read Vander’s mind, he would learn that he was quite right in that assumption.  Vander was a simple man, with simple rules, and appreciated simple solutions to simple problems.  Simple Rule: stay out of Topside.  Someone breaks the rule?  Simple Solution: beat the shit out of someone.  Someone continues to break the rules?  Simple Solution Compounded: kill whoever is breaking the rules.  There.  Problem solved.

Vander did not want to be here, in the middle of Topside, facing some of the richest members of Piltover, and not being able to make his excuses, leave, and never come back.

But in this case, he found himself unable to exercise Simple Solutions.  The worst part, was he couldn’t really actively blame anyone involved with the situation.

Was he annoyed that Vi had gone out and gotten herself involved in Topside?  Yes.  However, she had done so discreetly, gathering information, devising a plan, and with the sole intent purpose of helping young Powder to get a better life, without actually doing anything illegal that would bring the eyes of Topside and the Enforcers.  Hell, he actually had to admire her dedication, and the brilliance of her solution.

But.  BUT!

But that didn’t mean he couldn’t be annoyed as hell to be here.  He had to act nice!  He was not biologically inclined to be nice!  Look at his arms, for spirit’s sake!  He was a killing machine!   He was the Hellhound of the Underground!  You don’t get titles like that by being nice!

“Greetings,” the Piltie woman in front of him offered.  She looked up to meet his eyes without any expression of concern, and offered her hand to him.  “I am Cassandra Kiramman, and this is my husband, Tobias.  You must be Powder’s father, Vander.”

“Ma’am,” Vander rumbled, reaching out to take her much smaller hand with his.  Internally, he was sweating as he tried to calculate just how much force he was supposed to use in a shake like this.  He was not a hand shaking kind of guy.  He was a hand crushing sort of guy!  How much acceptable torque could he use in this situation!?  He decided to shake with the absolute minimum amount of force that he could exert. 

While Vander struggled with restraining the pure killing ability he had developed over the years (which really seemed like a good idea to develop at the time but in retrospect might have been a little too much), Jayce was startled as Caitlyn spoke up from her position besides him.

When the void had she gotten back!?  And was the academy skirt always that short?!

“Hello Vi,” Caitlyn smiled warmly, fighting back a blush.

Vi narrowed her eyes, and moved between Caitlyn and Powder again.  Purposefully, the pink haired girl met Jayce’s eyes directly and she blinked twice deliberately before cocking her head in an unspoken question.

Jayce sighed again, and briefly covered his eyes once more.

“That’s two,” Mylo noted, before frowning.  “Wait, is there a reset period between the blinks?”

“I’ll watch him,” Claggor promised back.  “Just to make sure.”

After what Cassandra considered a firm handshake (that Vander sweated over but managed to impress Cassandra) the conversation had proceeded.

“So what precisely is it you do, Mr…” Tobias prompted, before trailing off expectantly.  When the application paperwork had been submitted, there had been no family name associated with Powder.

“Lanes,” Vander grunted. 

“Mr. Lanes then,” Tobias completed.

Vander grunted.  He had meant that ‘Lanes’ was what he did, not who he was, but hey, Pilties were known for being a little soft in the head.  He decided to try explaining in a little more detail.

“I own a bar,” he explained.  “And I run the Black Lanes in the Sump.”

“Black Lanes?” Cassandra repeated, raising an eyebrow.  Based on the name, she assumed it was a business named after the family.  “You’re a business man then?  How has your industry been progressing?”

“Annoying,” Vander grunted again, giving a frustrated sigh.  It really was a lot of effort to run the criminal organizations of an entire district of the Undercity.  “I’ve had to off eight people in the last week.  Too much rabble rousing.”

Vander meant that he had to kill eight people.  News that the Hellhound’s daughters were rubbing elbows with Topside had brought them some unfortunate attention.  Some people thought that it might represent a relaxation on the ‘don’t mess with Topside’ rule.  It didn’t.  Yeah, it was hypocritical, but anyone else who wanted to complain about it could be number nine.

Cassandra interpreted the declaration incorrectly.

“Ah, I see,” Cassandra sighed in commiseration.  “Times of change always have a way of bringing old discontents to sight.  I’ve had to fire four of my managers myself in the last few weeks.

Cassandra meant she had to end the employment of four people.  They had been staunch Piltover supremacists who had been upset that a patronage was being offered to an Undercity girl and not their own children.  Cassandra had tried to placate them by pointing out that Powder was a genius level intellect performing at a level seven to eight years higher than her actual age and that their children were barely functioning mouth breathers who were relying on their parents bribes to actually complete their education.  Upset by this evaluation, the managers had complained, and Cassandra found it easier just to fire them and promote people who wouldn’t waste her time.

Vander interpreted this response incorrectly.

“Impressive,” he raised an eyebrow, remembering the feel of the woman’s callouses and glancing at them to confirm.  Yes, those were the signs of someone who knew their way around a rifle.  Considering the callous disregard for life which Pilties were infamous for possessing, he could very well see this woman shooting those who opposed her.  Still, it was better to confirm.  “And you handled it yourself, of course?”

“Of course,” Cassandra nodded, finding herself warming to the management ethics of the larger man.  “Those who would delegate unsavory tasks should not have the authority to make those decisions in the first place.”

“Agreed,” Vander nodded.  It was always best to be seen being the one crushing the skull.  Made the others less likely to act out, due to desire-to-keep-skull-uncrushed.

And so a grand misunderstanding allowed two completely different people to decide that they approved each other, and a future peace between Topside and Undercity began to take root.

“Oh, I should love to discuss other tactics,” Cassandra smiled slightly, before receiving a nudge from her daughter.  Catching Caitlyn’s begging eyes, she rolled her own.  “Children, by all means, feel free to explore the house while we discuss business.”

“Thank you, Mother!” Caitlyn managed to get out before all her attention was on Vi.  “So, Vi, would you like to see the grounds?”

“The moment you take those ridiculously gorgeous eyes off me, I’m making a break for your room,” Vi told her, dead serious.

Caitlyn sputtered.  There it was again!  How could the other girl say such things so easily!?  Caitlyn’s heart was not strong enough for this!

“W-why on Runeterra would you do such a thing!?” she demanded, hand coming up to try and calm her suddenly overactive heart.   She shook her head quickly. 

“I need to find your diary so I can destroy whatever blackmail you have on poor Jayce!” Vi declared, pointing an accusing finger at the other girl.

“Wait, did you actually get my name right?!” Jayce demanded, having fully expected to be referred to by anything other than his actual name.

“What are you talking about, I’ve always called you by your name,” Vi asked, somewhat puzzled by the man’s declaration.

“B-but!  Y-you!” Jayce began, only for a touch at his hand to cause him to pause.

Somberly, Powder just shook her head, encouraging him to let it go.

“Not too bright,” she reminded him.

Jayce opened his mouth.  He raised a finger.  He closed his mouth.  He lowered his fingers.

He sighed again.

“Is that two?  That was two, right?” Mylo whispered.

“He didn’t close his eyes this time,” Claggor insisted.

“My diary!?” Caitlyn gasped, reeling back.  “No!  No, you can’t!”

The last few entries of her diary had been exclusively about Vi, and what Caitlyn thought of her. 

The content must never be known!  Especially not to the girl in question!  Caitlyn would die before she let this threat be carried out!

“You can’t!  I won’t let you!” Caitlyn declared, narrowing her eyes.  With her hands on her hips, she drew herself to her full height.  “The mansion has two hundred and six rooms!  You’ll never find mine among them all!”

“East wing, third story, northwest corner,” Vi listed, and Caitlyn reeled back as Vi narrowed her eyes in victory.  Striking a triumphant pose, she pointed at her cowed enemy.  “I’ve been staking this place out for two weeks!  I know everything!  The only thing I need is a distraction and nothing will be able to stop me!”

“I’ll not let you!” Caitlyn declared, regaining her stance.  Leaning forward, she kept her eyes on Vi.  “I won’t take my eyes off you for a second!  You won’t escape my attention for even a moment!”

“Gah!” it was Vi’s turn to reel backwards.  “Y-you think that the attention of a stupidly beautiful girl will be enough to stop me!?  I’m from the Undercity!  We thrive on danger!  Even if it’s just dangerously gorgeous faces!”

“Stop!  Stop that right now!” Caitlyn started stomping her foot, blushing.  Vi was doing it again!  It wasn’t fair!  How was Caitlyn supposed to react to this!?

“Oh look,” Powder helpfully chimed in, pointing.  “A distraction!”

Caitlyn refused to fall to such a juvenile and obvious ploy, until she saw what was actually happening out of the corner of her eye and had to turn and stare.

“Mylo,” Claggor sighed, palming his own head.

“Are you slipping an ancient Shurimian vase into a sack with cog signs on it?” Caitlyn asked, so genuinely perplexed that she had to put words to her befuddlement.

“Wait, I am?” Mylo wondered, looking just as surprised as she was.

“We sewed all his pockets shut so he would put everything in the bag,” Claggor explained.  “It makes it easier to search him when we leave.”

Jayce sighed again.  The sad part, was he was beginning to get used to it.

“Ah,” Caitlyn began, honestly unsure how to respond, before she realized she had committed a grave mistake.  She whirled, and sure enough, Vi had vanished from where she had been only seconds ago.

“Fortunate favors the bold!” Vi called out, already halfway to the stairs which would lead to Caitlyn’s room.  “Jayce, you will soon be free!”

“No!” Caitlyn shrieked, beginning a furious pursuit.  Her eyes narrowed as she calculated her own speed and compared it to Vi’s, and realized she wouldn’t be able to get to the other girl in time.

Drastic measures would have to be employed!

Between one step and the next, in a move she would never admit was practiced, she removed one of her shoes.  Narrowing her eyes with keen focus, between strides she reared back and threw the buckled accessory with uncanny accuracy.

“Whup!” Vi got out as the shoe nailed her square in the back of the head, causing her to tumble forward.  Seeing the advantage, Caitlyn darted past her, removing her other shoe as she put herself squarely between Vi and the stairs that led to her room.

“Of course a girl as lovely as you would have such horrifyingly accurate aim,” Vi growled, getting to her feet.  “I will be getting past you!  That diary is already mine!”

“Death first!” Caitlyn declared, one hand in front of her with the other holding her shoe back, poised to unleash it at a moment’s notice.

The tableau grew still, the two poised to unleash terrible battle upon each other.  Somewhere in the garden, a flock of doves burst forth, flying dramatically though well away from the actual scene, and giving the gardener quite the startle.

Vi saw it, the slow blinking of Caitlyn’s eyes, her face in profile, and Vi knew this was her opportunity!

“A chance!” Vi declared charging forward. 

“A feint!” Caitlyn snapped back, turning her head to show it was only one eye that had closed.  With the other still opened, she launched her second projectile with uncanny accuracy.

“Graugh!” Vi grunted, but this time she was able to track the missile, and with expert timing she batted it aside.  The counter blocked her vision momentarily, and when she regained it, it was to discover Caitlyn charging back, both hand stretched before her to engage in a desperate grapple.

Vi knew that with how good looking Caitlyn was there was no way she would be skilled in unarmed combat.  She couldn’t be that attractive, smart, and talented as well!  To attempt to engage Vi in unarmed combat!  Such a move wreaked of desperation!

“I’ve got you!” Vi declared, both her hands coming up to meet Caitlyn’s, an attempt to lock them so Vi could overpower the taller girl.

“Not so fast!” Caitlyn retorted.  She had the advantage of height, and had secretly been training for her hoped for career in the Enforcers.  She would not go quietly into the night!

Neither accounted for the fact that without her shoes, Caitlyn’s stockinged feet had no traction.  When the two titans met, the lack of friction betrayed Caitlyn and she tumbled backwards.  Vi, having not anticipated the lack of resistance, went down with her.

Caitlyn hit the ground with a thump, knocking the air out of her temporarily.  She struggled to recover her breath, glaring up with fire in her eyes…

Until she realized that the end result was Vi laying atop of her, pinning her hands above her head, Vi’s body sprawled between Caitlyn’s slightly spread legs, and Vi’s face only inches above her own.

Breath left her body again, and Caitlyn’s face immediately turned bright red as she released a sound not unlike steam escaping a teakettle.  Her thoughts immediately were reduced to an incoherent stream of thoughts which vaguely followed the following theme:

‘Gay panic, gay panic, gay panic, GAY PANIC!!!!!!’

Flustered, Caitlyn could only watch as she saw the same realization start to appear on Vi’s face, and her little baby gay heart fluttered, wondering just what was about to happen…

Then Vi’s eyes narrowed, and she gave a predatory smirk.

At first, Caitlyn considered that this might be a good thing for her, until Vi hocked.

“Ew!  No!  No!  Stop it!” Caitlyn began to shriek and wiggle as Vi began loogie dangling directly above her face.

“Mwahaha!” Vi managed to laugh even as she dangled the ball of phlegm.  She had two brothers and no mother!  She was raised around unwashed gangsters and vicious murders!  Her loogie dangling skills were near pro-level!  There was no escape for this far-to-good-looking Piltie Princess!

Across the room, away from the epic battle, Jayce sighed.

“What am I actually witnessing right now?” he asked not really expecting an answer and actually dreading that he would get one that made sense.

“I’m not really sure, Mr. Jayce,” Powder admitted, rubbing her chin thoughtfully.

Further aside, the interaction had not gone unnoticed by others who had some experience with similar scenes.

“Oh dear,” Tobias sighed, amused despite himself.  “What a familiar scene…”

“It does remind me of us, when we first met,” Cassandra admitted, cradling her forehead partially to avoid looking at the scene and partially to cover a nostalgic sigh of her own. 

Vander pursed his lips, considering for a moment.  Finally he decided his own reaction to the scene.

“I reserve the right to threaten your daughter with death if she ever break’s my daughter’s heart,” he noted.  Cassandra pursed her lips in consideration, before nodding briefly.

“I will be delivering the same speech to yours,” she admitted.

“I for one will be ready if either of them wishes to talk about their feelings,” Tobias supplied as they broke up the upcoming responsibilities they anticipated.

Jayce gave a long stare at the other three nominal adults in the room.  Then, he turned back to the epic battle unfolding across the room.

“Ha!” Caitlyn had managed to struggle free from impending loogie.  Using her own training, she had successfully surprised the other girl and managed to lock her in an armlock.  With Vi’s arm trapped between her long legs, Caitlyn had managed to position one of her feet dangerously close to Vi’s face and was enacting her revenge.  “Lick it!  Lick it!”

“Never!” Vi sputtered, trying desperately to keep the stocking clad foot away from her mouth.  “I will never give in to tyranny!”

“I give up,” Jayce sighed.  Really, this was the end of his attempt to interpret the events around him.  He surrendered to the fact that he would never really have any idea what was going on, and made peace with his revelation.

At his side, Powder reached up and patted his arm comfortingly.

“There, there, Mr. Jayce,” she told him.  “I don’t get it either.”

***Scene Break***

Many years later:

“Hey Jayce, you ever hear of the ‘butterfly effect’?”

“No, I can’t say that I have, Powder.”

“Don’t deadname me!”

“Jinx then.  So what is the ‘butterfly effect’?”

“It’s some weird piece of Ionian philosophy.”

“Well, there you have it.  I’m a scientist, not a philosopher.”

“I’m a scientist too!  You know, you can have other interests.  Mine are called ‘hobbies’.”

“I have other interests!”

“Yeah, and yours are called ‘Mel and Victor’.”

“Low hanging fruit, Jinx.”

“Yeah, yeah.  Sorry Jayce.  Anyway, so the ‘butterfly effect’ is this idea that small changes made a long distance away can have long reaching effect.  Like, say that some merchant in Ionia decides to have breakfast…”

“I imagine a lot of Ionian merchants have breakfast…”

“Yeah, but this one ends up late because of it, and misses his boat.  So like imagine that if that merchant had made the boat, he would have bought something in Noxius.  If he had bought it, than person who was selling would now have enough money to hire an extra brigade of mercenaries.  And if he had gotten those mercenaries, he would have had enough of an army to launch a coup.  And if he had launched a coup, he would have invaded Demacia successfully and murdered the entire country…”

“Okay, this is a lot of assumptions, and most of them are pretty grim.  And seems to end very poorly for Demacia.  Jinx, are you and Lux on the outs again?”

“We’re just taking a break, that’s all!  Anyway, that’s the point.  Since that merchant decided to eat breakfast, the entire fate of the world was changed.”

“I suppose I can see the idea.  However, I don’t honestly think of anyway that it can be proven.  Since that merchant ate breakfast, there’s no way that we can really know what might have happened if he hadn’t.  The whole thing just feels like an exercise in creativity rather than anything reasonably constructive.”

“Well, yeah, but think about what might have happened if things in our lives had just been like a bit different?”

“I don’t really see the point…”

“Like, what if we had actually completed the robbery at your place all those years ago?  But you interrupted us and like caused an explosion or something?  And that completely drove apart Topside and the Undercity and led to an age of strife and violence or something?  Wouldn’t that be freaking weird?”

“But it didn’t happen that way, Jinx.  Piltover and the Undercity came together.  Changes in technology have led to an unmatched period of prosperity and peace, that both Topside and Undercity are benefiting from.  Even if the worst could have happened, it’s not like we have any idea just what might have occurred.”

“Hmph.  Well, I just think that if things had been different, than certain other events would never have happened, and maybe the world would be a better place is all.”

Jayce paused, putting a hold on the conversation as he looked over at his business partner.  He had known Jinx for years now, and the two of them were friends as well as partners.  Jinx had drawn her legs up to her chest, her heels perched on the edge of her seat, her arms wrapped around her bony legs.  On her face was something between a scowl and a pout.

Jayce suspected that he had an idea what ‘events’ Jinx was referencing, and with a gentle sigh, he reached out and patted her knee.

“Jinx,” he began slowly.  “Given what we know about Caitlyn and Vi, do you really think even if the world had degenerated into some post-apocalyptic steam punk alternate reality, that this wouldn’t have happened?”

Jinx scowled, looking to the front of the ceremony where Caitlyn and Vi were gazing into each other’s eyes with painfully obvious love and devotion apparent in their every limb, as the wedding ceremony proceeded. 

“I’m a sister-in-law,” she mumbled.  “I’m allowed to be angry.  Sisters-in-laws are required by all recognized countries to make their sister’s partner’s lives miserable.  Don’t try to keep me from exercising my rights.”

Jayce sighed, smiling tolerantly at his friend.  Really, it might be an interesting thought experiment, but no one could ever actually know what might have happened if the attempted robbery had gone differently all those years ago.  And even if it had, there’s no way it would have turned out as badly as Jinx was describing.

Right?

The End!