Chapter Text
Todd was sleeping. Or, at least, pretending to.
No matter how hard he willed himself to fall asleep, he still couldn’t seem to drift off. He turned and twisted, sat up and lay down again, but his bed was just too uncomfortable. It was too hot in their little dorm room and his roommate was a bit of a snorer, apparently.
It was his first night at Welton Acadamy, and he already wanted to go home. He didn’t like this new place. It was too much, too grand. He’d fit in much better at Balincrest. At least he would be sleeping in his own bed at night, away from everyone else. Sure, he hadn’t had any friends there, but he didn’t mind. They hadn't tried to talk to him all the time.
He rolled over on his stomach and sighed. His eyes travelled up to the other side of the room, where his roommate lay scattered across his bed, one leg dangling over the edge. He was breathing hard. His chest heaved up and down in a steady pattern, and Todd could see his torso poke out from under the covers.
Todd himself was still wearing his long-sleeved pyjamas, even though beads of sweat trickled down from his hair to his face. He’d only brought one pair, and he wasn’t going to sleep in just briefs like Neil was. It was hot, and even with their little window fully opened, no fresh air seemed to come in. It was suffocating. The whole room stank of sweat and people and he wanted nothing more than to just get out.
But he wanted to rest, he needed to. He was absolutely exhausted from today. It’d been a wild ride, to say the least.
In some ways, Welton was what he’d expected it to be. Its grand entrance hall, long-stretched grasslands, neatly dressed students, and various other things had been exactly as he’d imagined. Though, his roommate and his friends had not. It wasn’t that Todd didn’t like them- they were alright, for private school snobs, anyway - but they were so intrusive. He’d always been more of a private person, especially in places where he didn’t know anyone. Shaking hands, introductions, small talk- he’d rather not. He didn’t like talking.
Truth was, he was too ashamed.
Ever since he was young, he’d had a terrible stutter. It sounds silly, insignificant even. But in reality, it was really fucking humiliating. He was a 17-year-old boy, now starting his junior year of high school, and he couldn’t even say his own name without messing up. It was a problem, and not just to him, but to everyone around him.
One time, when he was still attending Balincrest, he’d overheard his parents talking about him. It’d been the day he’d brought his exam scores back home. He’d failed chemistry and trig, and only just managed to pass in Latin and biology. Jeffrey had also come home that day, and he’d had exams as well. All straight A’s- except for Latin, which was a B+. He hadn't minded his parents talking about Jeff for the rest of that day. He was perfectly fine with listening to them rambling on about his brother’s many talents and achievements, as long as he didn’t have to contribute anything to the conversation.
It wasn’t until later that evening, when Jeff had left to go see his girlfriend, Marie, and Todd had retreated into his room, that he’d heard them talking. He hadn’t intended to overhear them- it just happened to be so that he needed to use the bathroom, which was at the end of the hall, right next to the living room.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with him, James. I- I thought, maybe, with time, he’d grow out of it…”
He’d slowed down, the cold tile floor sucking the warmth away from his bare feet as he waited, hiding behind the wall. He didn’t have to question what it was that they were discussing. After waiting for a few seconds, he dared peak around the corner. His mother sat on the couch, head in her hands. His father stood beside her, one hand resting on her shoulder. She was crying.
“What if it’s our fault? What if it’s something we did that made him this way? He’s so… it’s not normal, James. Why doesn’t he have any friends? Why doesn’t he talk to us, for God’s sake!”
Todd’s eyes widened as he followed the scene. His mother never cussed. Not in front of him or Jeffrey, anyway.
“How can it be our fault? Look at his brother, what a man he’s grown to be! If it were our fault, he wouldn’t be such a star. I think… maybe Todd just needs a little help. Get him back on track, you know?”
“I don’t know,” his mother sniffled, “I really don’t know.”
“Listen,” his father squatted down, reaching out to lift his mother’s face. They looked at each other for a moment, before he finished, “He’ll grow out of it, I’m sure of it. He just needs a bit of counselling, maybe. Some summer school, too. We’ll fix him, Mary, don’t worry.”
We’ll fix him, he’d said. Todd’s insides turned cold, and suddenly he didn’t feel the need for the bathroom anymore. He swallowed, tears burning behind his eyes. He willed himself to pull back from the wall, to walk back to his room and to forget he’d ever heard that conversation.
He hadn’t slept properly for a week after that.
And now, as he lay there in his squeaky bed at Welton Acadamy, he’d finally proved them wrong; maybe his grades had gone up a little, yes, but he was more closed-off than he’d ever been, and his stutter had only gotten worse, despite the year of speech therapy he’d followed during his last year at Balincrest. He could see it in their eyes- the difference in them whenever they looked at their favourite son, and when they looked at him. He’d tried to convince himself that it didn’t matter, that he didn’t need their approval to show his value. But it still hurt, and he felt it every day.
He sat up against the wall, pulling his knees to his chest. He hated this. He hated everything.
Above all else, he hated himself.