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Carina sat in her Porsche in the parking lot willing herself to leave their apartment complex and drive back to the hotel. Seeing Maya played games in her mind, she was surprised by how good the blonde looked. She looked healthier, less gaunt and weary, however, there was still a heavy tiredness behind her azure blue eyes that Carina suspected would take a while longer to dissipate.
The familiar scent of their apartment, lavender, and fresh ocean spray instantly wrapped her up in the feeling of home. It was tinted by the subtle smell of bleach that lingered in the air.
Maya had been cleaning.
Maya always cleaned when she was stressed or upset.
She felt silly having uttered the lame excuse of needing her shampoo, she suspected Maya would see through it too. She wanted to see her wife, she needed to see she was doing okay. Maya had asked to see her, her tone almost pleading, 'please let me see you', a sharp contrast to the night in the hospital when her wife's voice was laced with vile and fear and anger and hurt and Carina couldn't bring herself to deny such a wish.
Two weeks.
Two whole weeks.
Two weeks was a very long time.
She wanted to break down crying the moment she stood inside the apartment door, it felt like home, but it wasn't quite right. Her presence in the apartment felt like that of a warped puzzle piece trying to fit into it's perfect slot but it needed repairing first and repairments took time.
She needed time.
Her eyes had scanned the apartment wall to wall, it was easier to take in the stale surroundings than face her wife. Once treasured photos now hidden from plain sight, the kitchen rid of her pasta machine and Moka pot from the stovetop, the blankets they'd curl up under in the evening now neatly folded away into a corner sat on the dresser.
She looked down at the clock on the dashboard of her car it now read 11:30pm, she had been sitting in the car for over an hour now, and she should really leave to head back to the hotel given it would probably take her a good forty minutes. Instead, her mind remained in a battle, she couldn't shake the encounter with Pam from her mind, the visit to collect her shampoo only made the echoes of the day a bit more tricky to process. She'd be lying to herself if she didn't admit she enjoyed the flirting, it was nice to feel that childlike excitement and teenage awkwardness flirting brought on once again.
It had been so devastatingly long since she felt that way.
Since Maya had made her feel that way.
She also felt like a fraud and it was that very thought that was willing her to run back inside.
“Carina, you’re back? Is everything okay?” Maya rubbed at her sleep-heavy eyes trying to adjust to the light shining in through the hallway. “Why’d you knock, did you forget your keys or maybe something else?”
“Someone asked me out today,” Carina blurted out walking into the apartment, stepping with haste passed Maya suddenly regretting her decision to choose now to have this conversation. A wave of hurt washed across Maya’s face, but she remained still, forcing herself to listen this time. “Her name's Pam. She flirted with me and I flirted back and...” Carina continued needing to get all her words out at that moment.
“Carina…” Maya's voice was timid but she tried to intervene.
“Sorry - I’m not telling you this to hurt your feelings, I would never do that, but I think you deserve to know. People were gossiping and making speculations at the Station, I didn’t want you to hear it from them,” Carina sighed taking a seat against the back of their sofa, her heart pounding in her chest having spoken the admission out loud.
“Carina, please…” Maya tried again with a sigh, but Carina continued still clearly worked up as she stood again and began pacing around the room.
"I don't want to fight about this either, it was just some innocent flirting... nothing serious and..."
"Carina, please just let me speak for a minute," Maya begged.
“Fine... what?” Carina uttered already in defense mode, ready for Maya to kick off in anger.
“I know,”
“You know what?”
“I know about the lady from the clinic today, Jack called me earlier,” Maya grabbed a chair from the dining table and sat down on it backward as she rested her chin against the back of the seat now facing her wife. Her voice was much softer and sadder than Carina was perhaps prepared for, her blue eyes looking up at her like those of a scorned child.
“I won’t apologize, Maya… I did nothing wrong here! Porca Miseria, I can’t believe Jack would just jump to conclusions like that…” her arms quick to wrap around her body in self-defense.
“I’m not asking you to apologize, Carina. I know you did nothing wrong,” Maya chewed the inside of her lip, she knew she was the reason they were in this mess and she couldn't blame Carina for falling into a moment of escape, but despite knowing this it didn't stop the feeling of hurt from swelling in the pit of her stomach, she also knew it would hypocritical to expect an apology. “It wasn’t so much as Jack telling secrets about you or jumping to conclusions, it was more of a warning to me. A warning for me to get my act together or I risk losing you for good," Maya paused, no longer able to look toward her wife, "if I haven’t done that already.”
“You haven’t lost me, Maya," Carina voiced after a beat, her tone was soft but reassuring. "I just need more time,” she swallowed back her tears, unwilling to be vulnerable at this moment, unwilling to give her wife any more of her tears right now.
“I haven’t been a very good wife or partner to you for the last few months… I can see how being wined and dined by another woman, a woman who doesn't have issues like me, would seem appealing," Maya chuckled in self-deprecation, the subtle harsh tone she took against herself causing Caring to flinch, she desperately wished Maya could see herself the way she saw the blonde. Her thoughts were interrupted when Maya continued, "Having someone actually look at you in appreciation, the rush of attraction shared with lust in their eyes must have been thrilling, I don’t blame you for flirting back. It’s nice to feel wanted and appreciated and I haven’t been very good at that in recent times. I’m sorry, Carina. I'm really sorry and I probably haven’t made you feel wanted, love wholeheartedly, or appreciated in a very long time…” Maya’s voice trailed as her mind flicked to the numerous times Carina would smile at her and she could only scowl in return, the multiple times she complained or made a fuss when they had to go through the ordeal of insemination once again or when she prioritized the speed button on the treadmill instead of the ‘answer call’ button when her wife's name appeared on her phone.
The Italian found herself fidgeting more too, despite everything the pair had done their best to remain intimate in the last few months, and every now and then it felt like the world was right again, it felt like being the 'old' Maya and Carina, the madly in love Maya and Carina, those times came mainly when Maya was fully all in. Other times it was a means to an end, the pair simply desperate for a connection, starved of reasons to continue their marriage, sex was the one thing that seemed to keep them close when nothing else was working.
Maya chuckled with disdain breaking the silence, stirring the brunette of her daze, “God, Carina you’re so fucking beautiful and smart and kind and your smile could light up the darkest rooms and those chocolate brown eyes..." Maya's lovestruck voice trailed on before a dark melancholy took hold, "Carina, you deserve only the best…"
“Maya… I didn’t come back here to have this kind of conversation,” Carina interrupted before things took a deeper, darker turn than either of them was ready for.
“I know, but I need to say this. When Jack phoned me earlier… told me how you laughed and flirted with ease with someone today, I didn’t know what to feel. I was momentarily numb of feeling so I almost reverted to what I know, to what I've been programmed to do, I wanted to get into my leggings put on my Nike trainers, and run far away. I wanted to run from the pain, distract myself from the sadness as my feet clamored against the payment, each thud a step closer to blocking out the idea that maybe you had found someone better.
“You said you were getting help! Maya, you told me you were talking with Diane…” Carina interrupted standing up now her voice defensive, tears rimming her eyes now almost annoyed that Maya would revert to the very thing that nearly killed her just over two weeks ago.
“Let me finish. I am getting help… instead of running away from the pain, I took a breather allowed the number to fade and forced myself to feel it, it’s something new Diane has asked me to do…” Maya took a breath, this bit was hard as her tone wobbled with heartbreak and a stream of tears rolled down over the subtle mound of each of her cheeks, “I cried, Carina. I think sadness is the only emotion I feel these days. I wept at the idea of losing you, I curled up into a ball in our bed and allowed every tear to soak through the blanket balled up in my fists. You deserve the best, Carina. I’m trying to get there, I want to be better and do better and god am I trying with every fiber in my being. Maybe that won’t be good enough, and maybe it’s too late but I’m going to try to be the best person worthy of every ounce of your love, Carina… if you will let me.”
Carina was rendered speechless, her feelings left confused but she found herself unable to hold back her tears now too. She so wanted to run to the blonde, wrap her fingers in that silken hair and kiss away any doubt that Maya was unworthy or undeserving of her love but she couldn’t. Her heart was scared and still a little broken, but it swelled at the idea that Maya was willing to fight… she too just hoped it wasn’t too late.
“Maya… I can’t. Not right now," Carina sucked in a breath fighting back the sob that threatened to escape the confines of her throat. She sat up straight willing herself to look at the blonde before her. Her wife's eyes were now pinned to the floor as she seemed to hang onto to dear life to the gold band on her finger that represented such a fragile moment for the pair. Their marriage once so strong, now brittle and threatening to fall apart.
"Maya, can you look at me?" Carina voiced, "Bambina, please?"
"Okay," Maya looked up. Brown met blue and blue met brown.
"That’s not a no, okay? It's just a not yet,”
“Okay,” Maya whispered her response, Carina's words offering reassurance.
“I should go,” Carina stood up. The pair had remained in silence after the exchange both unsure how best to move forward.
“It’s late... you could stay here,” Maya offered, taken aback by her own bravery to make such an offering perhaps it was the subtle sense of hope in Carina's words that stirred some courage within her.
“No, really I should go.”
“Carina, it’s after midnight now. You should be allowed to rest in your own bed for a night and shower in your own bathroom… I’ll just grab a few of my things and take the guest room. Please stay,” Maya stood up this time too, her eyes sincere as she willed her wife to stay, to rest in their bed. Carina was always beautiful, no word of a lie, but Maya could see the toll the past two weeks had taken on her too, subtle bags of sleepless nights shadowed soft blues beneath her mesmerizing brown eyes.
“Fine… but just tonight because it's so late. I’m going back to the hotel tomorrow,” she stated.
“Okay great. Give me two minutes, let me just grab my things and I will be out of the way… can I get you anything glass of water, tea, some food maybe?” Maya nervously asked suddenly coming to the exciting realization that her wife was going to be back under the same roof as her for a night.
“I’m good, thank you… I really just want to shower and climb into bed and try to get some sleep” Carina smiled warmly at Maya's offer.
“Right,” Maya responded, clasping her hands as she quickly made her way into the bedroom, grabbing her glass of water, her phone, and her charger. Carina had followed behind her standing by the door as Maya milled around the room, unlike earlier she now noticed the duvet on her side of the bed was ruffled, it was obvious Maya had gone and lay more on Carina’s side when she returned to bed after their first encounter earlier that night. Maya jumped when she saw the Italian now slouched against their bedroom door, not expecting Carina to have followed so closely behind her.
“I, ummm, I think that’s everything,” she laughed nervously having now gathered everything she needed squeezing by her wife as she exited the room, their bodies momentarily so close to touching, as she passed through the doorway the moment enough to render the blonde near breathless. She has seen every part of Carina, probably touched and cherished every part of her with delicate fingertips and hungry lips and now she could feel her heart trembling in her chest threatening to explode and a fiery blush rising up her cheeks all because she was in such close proximity to the love of her life for the first time in what felt like forever.
“Buona notte, Maya,” Carina offered with her signature smile forcing the red in Maya's cheeks to grow deeper, she enjoyed noticing the flustered look on her wife’s face.
“Goodnight Carina, if you need anything I... umm, I'll be here, in the guestroom,” Maya stuttered.
"I might be living in a hotel right now, but this is my home too Maya. I think I can manage,"
"I know... I'm sorry... I'm just really glad you're here," Maya announced shyly.
"Me too," Carina offered, “Oh and umm Maya?”
“Ummhhm?” Maya turned.
“I really like that sweatshirt on you… it really brings out the blue in your eyes,” Carina smirked as she gently closed the door behind her.
“Are you flirting with me, Deluca?” Maya shouted back, a childlike smile on her lips when she heard her wife’s laughter flutter through the bedroom door. “You’re new ladyfriend would be disappointed in you?”
“Go to bed, Maya… you’re gonna need your rest, you’ve got some competition these days,”
Maya laughed to herself as she shut the guest bedroom door behind her, her heart still heavy as she continued to process and heal her past, but tonight for the first time in a very long time all felt a little better in the world.
They still had a lot of healing to do, but this was the first sign that rekindling their love, their once-in-a-lifetime kind of love, may actually be possible.