Chapter Text
Not saying “I love you” back: Kaeya & Diluc
(Nice and corny, the way I like it.)
Kaeya (After he pulled a prank on you.)
- For Kaeya, committing to someone requires a lot of trust. He’s made a lot of mistakes in his life that he isn’t proud of, and deep down, he feels undeserving of love. But he’s never trusted anyone like he trusts you and he couldn’t keep himself away.
- You’ve never pressed him to open up to you, which helped solidify his attachment to you. Eventually, one intoxicated night, he opened up to you about his past. Kaeya doesn’t like to ruminate, it still hurts too much, so these talks are rare. At first, he might come across like he’s laughing about it, but the facade diminishes as his body relives the memories, curling in around him.
- Love on him, please. Listen closely and rub his shoulder. Lead his head into the crook of your neck. Brush his hair out of his eye. Let him know you support him. He’ll melt into you.
- Pestering you is practically his love language; it keeps things light enough for him to adjust to your relationship. But don’t misunderstand, he completely and utterly adores you! (And if you’re ever bothered by him, please tell him.) He’s just scared of getting too dark. You’ve been the light of his life for a while, but your exclusiveness is fairly recent.
- He loves keeping you on your toes with a good prank! Every once in a while, he’ll get you good. But lately, he’s been ridiculously busy with few free moments to spare. Fortunately for you, his being distracted is a perfect opportunity to pounce. Or so you think.
“Parting brings such sorrow,” Kaeya sighs, leaning down to press a kiss to your hair. “But I admit, I do like watching you go.”
You scoff and smack his arm. “You look brainless staring at my ass all the time.”
“It’s called brain rot, babe, and I’m willing to look stupid for that ass any time.”
“I’ll paint a picture for your birthday - as long as you don’t leave it on your desk!”
He laughs, all rosy cheeks and bright smiling. “Well, now that you mention it - ow !”
“No, bad!” you laugh, smacking his chest a little harder. He catches your hand and presses kisses to your knuckles, eye sparking. “You’re incorrigible.”
“You love me,” he quips.
You roll your eyes and push him towards his office desk. “All right, you! I’ve gotta get back to the cafe before Madam Hines comes looking for her daily danish.”
He doesn’t bat a lash at your artful avoidance; perhaps it hasn’t even registered. “If she gives you a hard time again, I can always arrest her for harassment.”
“You would not.”
“Maybe, maybe not. But now you’ll be thinking about it. May it bring you comfort.”
“Incorrigible,” you reiterate, shaking your head and turning to leave.
“I love you!” he calls.
“Uh huh!”
You’re walking slowly, waiting to gauge his reaction. The silence stretches on for a moment and you wonder if you’ve had any effect at all. And then -
“Hey!”
You pause and turn, brows raised innocently. “Huh?”
Kaeya regards you with a raised brow, arms crossed. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”
You start to check your pockets.
“I love you,” he says.
“I know,” you deadpan.
He’s beginning to look bothered. “I’ve got some commissions to attend to today. Could be dangerous.”
“Oh right,” you murmur. His eye brightens. “Be careful out there, Kaeya.”
His eye dims. That winsome smile is slowly fading into a tight line. Your heart twists and you wonder if this was a good idea after all. Sure, he got you good, but maybe this is too far?
"I could perish out there and that's all you have to say to me?"
"What do you mean?"
"I love you," he asserts.
"I know."
"I want you to say it back to me."
“Say what?”
A part of you is swooning, but the rest of you is cringing at your commitment to this prank when Kaeya is talking like this. Your hesitance is just as damaging: you watch his face strain and his jaw clenches so tightly it pulses.
“Look, did I screw up or something?” His voice is nervous and soft, rare for one with a heart so guarded. “I know I’ve been gone a lot lately, but it isn’t always like that - “
“You didn’t screw anything up.“
“Then why - look,” he sighs, dragging a hand through his bangs, “we always say ‘I love you’ before we go anywhere, especially before missions. There’s always the possibility that I may not come back. When you tell me you love me, I feel like…like I have a piece of you that’ll always bring me back home. If you don’t say it back…What if I never see you again?”
Your heart hammers with regret. You’ve been close to Kaeya for so long now, but you never knew he felt that way. It’s rare for him to be this vulnerable, so you feel even worse realizing you’ve struck a nerve.
His adam’s apple bobs. “You’re my home, babe. But if you don’t - if you don’t - if you’re not feeling it anymore, then - look, we can fix this, just let me - “
You rush forward to embrace him. He immediately cups the back of your head and drags you closer by the waist. “Oh, honey, fuck , I’m so sorry! It was a prank, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize it would affect you like that, I never would have played you like this. Archons, I’m so sorry, of course I love you! You’re my home, too!”
You feel his body loosen and his shoulders slump to envelop you with his relief. “Trying to get me back while my defenses are lowered, hm? What a cruel lover you are.”
“I’m sorry - “
“I jest.” He presses a kiss to your forehead. “Really, you did nothing that warranted that kind of outburst. I overreacted.”
“Not at all.” You squeeze him tightly. “You were vulnerable with me. I never want you to think I don’t love you, Kaeya. I want you to feel like you can tell me anything. I want you to feel safe with me.”
“I do,” he murmurs, rubbing his nose against your temple. “I do. Truthfully, I’ve been a bit worried about neglecting you as of late. So I…assumed.”
"Oh, honey, you were right. It’s not usually like this. I didn’t mean to imply that it’s an issue, it really isn’t. There's absolutely nothing wrong, it was a spur of the moment kind of prank. I'm so sorry…”
“It’s okay,” he coos. “We’re okay."
You pull back and take his face in your hands. A light flush rises in his cheeks. “I love you, Kaeya Alberich. You are my heart and soul and all the thoughts I have. I want to prove that to you every day. I promise I’ll always remind you, before you or I go anywhere. I'll make sure you always come home to me.”
Despite his fluster, his smile returns with a vengeance and his eye glitters gleefully. “I’m holding you to it, love. But I think you’re going to have to repent first, don’t you? In fact, I think you can start right now…”
His hands slither down to grab your ass and he hoists you into his arms. You’re laughing as he tries to push aside stacks of paperwork on his desk without knocking them over. Madam Hines will surely give you a headache later, but right now, you couldn’t care less.
Diluc (When he’s kept a secret from you.)
- Like Kaeya, Diluc requires a lot of trust to consider courting someone. First, you’ve got to build up enough of it to even be considered a friend. Miraculously, you fast-tracked that stage, quickly winning pieces of Diluc’s heart until he realized, with existential dread, that you owned it.
- It terrified him, how easy it felt being around you. It still terrifies him, now moreso because he’d feel like trash if he screwed this up. He knows he’s not the easiest person to be around and your respect and patience for him is more of a blessing than he could ever express. You’re his once-in-a-lifetime and it’s one of his most ardent desires to cherish you as you do him.
- There’s much that he has not yet shared with you, particularly regarding his nightly activities. He’s kept it well-hidden, terrified of tipping you off in any way. He knows that you can handle yourself, but you’ll want to get involved and losing your light, especially because he sees this as his baggage, would destroy him, would prove to him that his fate is to suffer. Surely he would dwell in darkness forevermore.
- But while he’s had trouble opening up, he really, really wants to. He wants you to know him entirely, who and what he is and everything he’s done. He craves it, feels starved by it, but keeps it all bottled up inside. He’s been traumatized. His childhood legacy was the loss of those he loved and cared for most. He doesn’t want to ever relive that horror again. But Archons, does he want to try.
- Unfortunately, around the time you both finally confessed that you wanted to share your lives, danger began to encroach on the borders of Mondstadt, and Dulic began to grow distant in his fear of hurting you. He’s shutting you out and it’s taken a terrible toll on your relationship.
This is the fifth time Diluc has stood you up. You’re pressed up against the door of Angel’s Share trying to hide from the late winter wind, but the unfortunate sprinkling of snowflakes had dampened your boots and coat. The chill is starting to seep through.
Ten more minutes, you think. Then you hug yourself tightly. How many times have you thought that already? How many times should you have to?
Ideally, zero. He should be here like he should have been the last four times! You've confronted Diluc twice and he’d hardly surrendered an inch; he wouldn’t tell you anything other than how sorry he was, that he swore to make it up to you. During the day, he’s so soft and adoring, but the minute night creeps in, he’s aloof and guarded. The whiplash is killing you.
“Are you sure there’s nothing wrong?” you’d queried.
He’d taken you into his arms and nuzzled his nose into your hair. “I swear it. I love you.”
“So then where the hell are you?” you mutter, eyes stinging. Someone truly in love wouldn't treat their other half like this. If there was something serious happening, you’d understand, and there obviously is something affecting Diluc. That man doesn’t mince his words or time with anything he doesn’t find worthy. But he won’t let you in, either, so what the hell are you supposed to do?
Maybe it’s you he doesn’t find worthy , says that nasty little voice in the back of your head.
Your lips tremble and fat, hot tears roll down your cheeks, leaving a cutting chill in their wake. You must look pathetic, standing out here in such weather, so late at night. Standing here for who knows how long, begging for Diluc’s warm presence to come save you. And for five nights! Archons , someone’s probably thought upon noticing you, you think she’d get the hint by now!
Right now, you’re not sure what else to think. Has Diluc been lying to you? You can’t imagine that he, of all people, would lie about something like this, but maybe he’s beginning to realize that he doesn’t need you. Maybe he doesn’t even realize he’s neglecting you, he’s so disconnected.
You can’t take this. This isn’t the kind of love you’ll ever settle for, left out in the freezing cold like a young girl not knowing her prom date had never intended on picking her up. The tears roll faster as you step out into the street. A gust of wet wind blows in your face and you tug the collar of your coat up under your nose as you start towards home.
“Wait!”
Your feet lurch to a stop on their own accord and you turn to see Diluc sprinting towards you. Deja vu from three nights ago stings your heart, encouraging you to go and not look back, but your body betrays you, rooted to the spot even as you desperately begin to wipe your eyes.
Diluc is panting when he reaches you and you notice how disheveled he looks. His ponytail is mussed, his coat is askew, and the hem of his pants are drenched. He looks like he’s been mugged. Concern prickles at you, but you keep it locked inside, staring numbly as he catches his breath.
“Forgive me,” he huffs out, “I was detained. I didn’t expect this weather, either.”
“Seems there’s a lot you don’t expect lately,” you bite back, “like me standing there all night waiting for you.”
He winces with guilt. “No, no, I - I wouldn’t have wanted you to. You’ll catch a cold.”
You scoff. “Oh, now you’re concerned? I guess fifth time’s the charm, huh? What, finally realized that I deserve better than that?”
“That’s not - no, you’re right, I - this wasn’t what I intended - “
“Five times, Diluc! Five times you’ve stood me up and you never even have an excuse for it! You just dance around and say you’re sorry. Apologies don’t mean anything if your actions say otherwise! I keep forgiving you because you tell me, ‘next time, next time this won’t happen.’ And then next time comes and it’s happening again! We hardly even talk anymore and when we do, you don’t even look at me. You look like you’d rather be anywhere else! Shit, if you don’t want to be with me, just tell me!”
“No, no!” He crowds you with his body, looking frantic. “I do want you. I do.”
“You sure aren’t acting like it!” You push his chest back to give yourself space and pin him with a glare when he tries to touch you. “I don’t even know what we are anymore, you treat me like I’m an afterthought! I’m not a toy, Diluc, I’m a person, and I’m not gonna wait on a shelf until you decide that you want me!”
“That’s not true!” He pushes back against your hands and takes your shoulders in a tight grip. “You’re not a toy to me. I’m trying to protect you!”
“From what ?” you exclaim.
He grits his teeth. Utter desperation darkens his eyes. “I can’t - please. You can’t get involved. I won’t allow it.”
“Why won’t you let me in?”
“Because I love you.”
The tears return with a vengeance, pouring out with all the fight left in you. Diluc stops breathing and the air is still between you.
“You’re right,” your murmur thickly. “I can’t get involved. I can’t do this, Diluc.”
Diluc’s lips part in silent horror and his face crumbles. “Don’t say that. Please, don’t say that - “
“You won’t let me in. You once told me that you would work with me through any conflict, but it feels like being together has made everything worse. I’ve tried again and again to tell you how I feel and it doesn’t get us anywhere. Maybe you’re just not ready and that’s fine, but I feel so alone and I can’t take it.”
Your shoulders curl in on you as you squeeze your eyes against an onslaught of grief. “I can’t take it, I can’t take it…”
Diluc takes you into his arms and squeezes you tight. He presses his face into the crook of your neck and trembles. Weeping, you’re too weary to stop him. You don’t think you could even if you wanted to. It always feels so right being held by him. It’s safe. Home. Even when you’re losing him.
And then, as your sobs fade to soft hiccups, he whispers, “...I’m the Darknight Hero.”
You freeze against him, uncertain you heard him right. He pulls one arm from you to reach into his coat pocket and pulls out an intricate mask. You recognize it immediately.
He releases a shaky sigh. “I received word about strange disappearances outside of the city. Travelers out at night. I’ve been investigating leads and, unfortunately, found trouble. The Abyss. A scout ambushed me tonight.”
He turns his arm over, revealing a long rip in his coat sleeve and, underneath, a gash running up parallel to his elbow. You gasp and gently begin to inspect it. The cloth is wet and smells like alcohol like he’d just poured it on. Was he in a hurry to see you?
“It doesn’t hurt,” he says.
You shoot him a disbelieving glare. “Diluc, you need stitches! It’s not even bandaged properly. How many more of these are there?”
“It’s not important right now.”
“But…“
He looks at you with red-rimmed eyes. “I will tell you everything. It’s the least of what you deserve. And it is my hope that…you will understand why I wanted to avoid involving you. You have been graciously patient with me and I have failed you. As a friend and as a partner.”
Your eyes begin to blur again. “Diluc…”
“I want…I need you,” he rasps out, sending your heart aflutter. “I need you in my life. More than anything. Please, let me tell you what I am.”