Chapter Text
No I'm not, I don't think it'll be easy for me
You still fill my days
No not yet, I'm repeating like a fool
I can't hold the words lingering on my lips
It's not fine
_
To be an idol is to be sacrificial.
It’s the difficulty in waking up for early morning call times and sore joints from extended use. It’s the members huddling for warmth in the seats of cramped vans, blowing air on their hands as they drive down the expressway. It’s a music stage early in the morning, practices in the afternoon, and filming in the night. It’s a wash, rinse, repeat as they build their reputation in the industry. Wide eyed as they take in their senior’s performances, clapping along at the closing ceremony, hoping one day for a win of their own.
It does come, one day. The majority of them crying on stage at Show Champion as they take the trophy for Pretty U . Bowing profusely to the fans and the cameras as they hold the award, barely able to sing the encore as they sob.
Seungkwan doesn’t know if a feeling like this will ever come again, pure unfiltered joy . He can barely see through the tears stinging his eyes, lights glaring back at him as he claps and jumps and hugs the others. Jihoon is crying while Jun is hanging onto him for dear life and Soonyoung is damn near inconsolable.
It’s everything, everything he hoped for, finally coming to show for them.
The event ends too fast, hard to breathe with all the energy taking up their dressing room. Bags are stuffed with wardrobe changes and hair products, the stylists hauling out suitcases to the cars. Seungkwan looks back and it’s like Seventeen was never there. A ghost of a past that seemed to have just happened. That so much has changed for them in the span of minutes and yet, to this room, it’s like nothing ever happened at all.
Seungkwan holds onto Hansol’s hand as they go back to the vans to get back to the dorms. He thinks that if life could stay like this moment, eternally, he wouldn’t ask for more ever again.
Hansol squeezes his hand as their manager drives them home, and Seungkwan smiles as he looks out the window.
The years pass and the ground warms up. It’s Spring.
_
There’s screaming coming from outside, the members busy kicking a ball and laughing at Mingyu tripping or cheering when Jeonghan shoots in their makeshift goal of two beer cans. He sees Hansol sitting on the sidelines, on his phone with headphones over his ears. He’s got Minghao to the left of him, occasionally showing what could only be memes on his phone.
Seungkwan stares out the window.
These days Hansol’s been distant .
He’s always been prone to moods. Pushing and pulling away from Seungkwan as they’ve grown up, no longer the cuddly affectionate Hansol he spent every waking moment with pre-debut. Seungkwan tries to keep things as they were but the embarrassment is there. Having someone pull away so clearly and physically makes Seungkwan's face flush red. It reminds him of middle school, wanting to sit with the popular kids only for them to laugh behind their hands as he stands there alone in front of their table. A beg for acceptance. A feeling so small and stifling it makes him choke.
When Hansol started pulling, Seungkwan didn’t take it to heart. Because he always came back.
It would take a few days, each day burning Seungkwan from the inside more than the last. To know that he wouldn’t get an arm tossed over his shoulder or an inside joke whispered in his ear. He relies on the other members when it happens, playing more roughly with Chan and leeching onto Mingyu. But it’s never the same. Can’t replace the way Hansol’s touch makes him feel. It hurts in those moments, but then Hansol would pop back up and act like nothing was wrong, squeezing next to Seungkwan in the van on the way to shows and cracking jokes on camera. Seungkwan would be lying if he said those moments didn’t throw him off. Knowing he should be angry but feeling every ounce of resentment melt from his body the minute Hansol smiled at him like he meant something.
Now, it's like they're disconnected. At one point he could look at Hansol and understand everything about him. He’d be lucky if could get eye contact at all at this point. The time frame has stretched from week to weeks , unprecedented, and Seungkwan doesn’t know how to confront this uncharted territory other than an imaginary megaphone just blaring Why, why, why? in Hansol’s face.
Was everything a lie? The conversations they had late at night when they were unsure if joining an idol company was a good idea. The small touches to make sure the other knows I’m here, you’re safe. When they’d sneak out to go get convenience store ramen at midnight, dying of laughter like the two of them were in their own little bubble, closed off from anything bad happening to them. Could he say that any of that still meant something?
Looking back out the window, Seungkwan can’t figure out where he stands anymore. Can he rub Hansol’s ear when he’s acting cute? Can he touch his hand to get his attention? What would Hansol do if he tried to hug him?
It’s tiring to act like nothing is wrong. That he doesn’t realize what Hansol is doing. But it’s almost more terrifying to acknowledge the problem than it is to act like it’s not there at all. And he can feel he’s running out of time. The bottle Seungkwan has been filling up with his internal downpour of emotions is overflowing. And he’s unsure of what he can do to stop it.
Some of the members have noticed, he can tell. He sees the long stares that Dokyeom and Jeonghan give him as he hesitates around Hansol. Can feel when he hugs another one of the guys that they squeeze him just a bit tighter. Seventeen may be independent adults now, but they are still so intertwined in each other’s lives that it makes it hard to hide. They haven’t verbally said anything, but the concern is there, waiting for the cue to step in. He’s grateful, truly. Because the one person he thought he could share everything with seems to want nothing more than to move on to an existence without him in it.
-
Despite Seungkwan’s brewing, life still moves on and Seventeen still has to work. Their morning starts promptly as the sun rises, all rushing around each other as they prepare to leave their complex. The boys are in high spirits on the way to their schedule, a performance at Inkigayo along with an interview at a radio station filling their day.
Seungkwan feels light on his feet. Hansol had sat next to him on the ride there and poked at his arm before grabbing something from the dressing room. It would be nothing in the eyes of anyone else, but it left Seungkwan elated. Everything’s okay, he thinks while walking onto stage, Everything’s going to be okay.
Jeonghan gives his hair a ruffle a few minutes before they go on stage and Seungkwan can’t even find it in himself to be upset.
The performance goes off without issue, allowing them to run off to pile into their respective cars to head off to the radio station.
Eunji is sweet. A noona from one of his favorite girl groups who is always excited to see the members, feeding off their energy and giving just as good back.
Seungkwan must be a little high off the good vibes of the day, bouncing around more with the others and voice getting bigger as he laughs harder than he has in weeks. Jabs get thrown out as they tease each other, questions cracking up the members and making the minutes fly by.
He got too casual, let his guard down for too long. Hansol made a face in response to a question that looked adorable to Seungkwan. He couldn’t help himself. He reached out and ruffled Hansol’s hair, expecting a fond look back or just a chuckle as they refocused back to the interview. Instead he felt the boy tense underneath his hand, effectively ruining whatever good mood they had going on. Seungkwan freezes and rips his hand away from Hansol’s head, putting it back in his jacket pocket. He’s tensed now as well, back ramrod straight, trying to act like what transpired was completely normal.
Eunji clocks it immediately, zeroing in on the two as she smiles toward Hansol.
“Vernon-ssi, you and Seungkwan are quite fond of each other, no?”
A simple question, really. One that could be brushed off with an easy diversion. It would have moved the focus to a different topic and the interview could have finished without any issue.
And yet, it didn’t. Hansol chose to respond, with an eye roll and exasperated tone, that Seungkwan treated him like a baby. How annoying it was that Seungkwan couldn’t leave him alone.
Annoying.
The sounds fade out, cotton in his ears like he’s driving into a tunnel, and Seungkwan feels his world crumble around him.
To be an idol means to be prepared at any given moment to show your best self. It’s endless hours of preparation for minutes of gratification. It means everyone wants access. The ability to say they know everything about you. To be poked and prodded at until it feels like there’s nothing more to give. Interviews at their best are repetitive and at their worst invasive.
They’ve done well in making entertainment out of it. In such synchrony that a joke can be taken without malice, and making fun of each other won’t result in an argument.
To be an idol means hiding when it hurts, when the stress overwhelms, when the body just wants to collapse. To smile when all you want to do is cry.
Seungkwan would say he’s gotten used to it. But he can’t see anything around him right now. Can only zero in on one fact.
Hansol’s not joking. Perhaps he never was in any other instance.
And the cogs start turning into place.
Oh,
So that was it.
_
Worthless
Stupid
Why did you ever think otherwise?
After the interview ended, his inner turmoil seemed to be sensed throughout the room. After Hansol’s response he didn’t offer much else in the interview, mustering up a fake laugh and weak jokes in an attempt to keep the mood up. He feels like dry heaving, wanting to lock himself away after having his entire soul stomped on with a steel toe boot. Dokyeom gives him a look as Eunji does the closing remarks, a hovering hand trying to check if he was alright. Seungkwan waves him off, afraid that one touch would make him burst.
Hansol stops him before he gets into his respective car. He’s awkward, rubbing his hand against his neck, saying words like It’s nothing personal and Sometimes you’re just too much, Seungkwan.
Too much. Too much.
The words feel sharp, drag against his skin until they pinch. He wants to ask, wants to shake Hansol for a reason, an explanation. Why? What do you mean? Do you know what you’ve done to me?
But he knows the answer. Seungkwan has been a nuisance it seems, for how long he’s not sure, and he’s just now being informed. He could say a lot of things, but in the end he just nods and gives a pathetic attempt at a placating smile as he climbs into his car. He sees Hansol climb into his own vehicle, not even bothering to look back at Seungkwan as he slams his door closed.
It’s not too often that Seungkwan gets the car to himself. Usually the other members invade the spots next to him, chatting and relaxing on their way back to the dorm. But some of the others wanted to dine out for a change, leaving the usually occupied seats empty. He lets out a puff of air, sitting back, thankful that for these few minutes he can put down the facade and stop swallowing down the burn. Leaning back in the cold seat, he thinks.
Too much . It’s not the first time that phrase has been tossed around regarding Seungkwan and his theatrics. Being the group’s first choice as the member to go on variety shows to promote the group, he knew that being extra would get them attention. Would get someone to listen. To see how hard they all work. That they’re good enough to get a spin on the radio or a segment on a comeback show.
Seungkwan knew that he was a lot to the other members as well. Always flitting around to check on their health, overly affectionate like a doting mother, laying all over them and pinching their cheeks when praising them. None of them ever seemed bothered. Even when they wanted their alone time, they never took it out on Seungkwan.
But…Hansol.
All this time?
Has he been a bother to him all this time?
Seungkwan arrives back at his dorm in a fog but his brain is frantic. Raking through memories, looking for evidence. When did this start? What changed?
The others haven’t arrived back yet, leaving Seungkwan alone in his living room. His bag slips woefully out of his hand as he moves. He’s pacing in between rooms, trying to find the missing piece. The missing piece that made Hansol want to leave him.
He can’t figure it out, and it’s getting harder to breathe.
He’s got to get out of there.
Throwing his bag back on, he makes a call as he books it out of the dorm before anyone could come back and notice he was there. He can’t be here any more. Not without everything swallowing him whole.
At night, Spring in Seoul remains warm, but Seungkwan has never felt more cold.