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Ben usually doesn’t like to be touched.
It isn’t because he minds contact - actually, he craves it more often than not. He finds touch comforting, reassuring, a reminder that he has a body of his own. Grazing shoulders with Klaus as they sit next to each other in the car or accidentally reaching for the butter at the same time as Viktor are some of his favorite moments of the day. Ben loves touch, really.
But the Horror does not like to be touched. It wants to rip apart anything it touches.
And when someone comes near Ben, when someone grabs his arm or ruffles his hair or adjusts his tie, they’re risking the unfathomable wrath of the creature in his stomach. And the Horror has been particularly hungry as of late; it rumbles deep and loud within him, it claws at him desperately. It’s warning him. It wants to feed. Eventually, Ben knows, it will devour him from the inside out and no one will be able to stop it. Anyone in his life is in danger just by being there.
So Ben tries not to let anyone touch him, if he can help it. It’s better this way.
But sometimes, it can’t be helped.
Like now, as The Umbrella Academy is called for its latest mission. The alarm bell rings throughout the halls of the mansion, and Allison’s head whips up from where it has been buried in the magazine. They’re sitting on the floor of her room, Allison and Klaus pouring over the latest “Which NSYNC Member Would Date You” quiz in Tiger Beat while Ben leans against the bedframe with a book, and any illusion of normalcy they’ve created is immediately shattered as the siren blares.
“Shit,” Allison curses quietly, shoving the magazine back into her desk drawer and pulling Klaus to his feet as she stands. Ben rises with them, bookmarking where he’d left off in Great Expectations with a sigh. Someday he’ll get in more than a solid hour of reading, but it clearly won’t be today.
“Come on, Benny Boy, let’s hop to it!” Klaus chirps with more enthusiasm than he likely feels as he heads into the hallway. They’re used to their routine being interrupted by missions at this point, and while sometimes the others are even glad for a break from training or coursework (Ben never is, he never could be), no one likes when their Saturday recreation time is forfeited.
“Just a sec,” Ben replies, and Klaus nods in understanding as he follows his gaze to Allison. She’s got her back to them as she pulls on her Academy mission suit, but her form trembles noticeably.
Allison killed someone on their last mission.
It was her first kill, too, years after the rest of them (save for Klaus, always the lookout) had felt the crushing, debilitating blow of taking a life. At seventeen, Ben is much too familiar with the taste of blood in his mouth by now.
But there had been a gun pointed at Luther, and he hadn’t seen it, and a terrified Allison had shouted “I heard a rumor you shot yourself!” before anyone else could act.
She hadn’t pulled the trigger. But she had killed him all the same.
Allison had wiped her tears and steeled her face and stood tall before the crowds after the job was done, but they haven’t missed the way she’s gone quiet over the last two weeks. Allison is usually one of the more talkative members of the Academy, rivaled only by Klaus and the memory of Five’s science-fueled rants, but she’s spent most of her time alone lately. They’d only been allowed in her room today because Klaus had bribed her with the magazine. Ben just hopes this next mission won’t set her back any farther.
Klaus disappears down the hall, but Ben lingers in the doorway as Allison searches for her domino mask. He isn’t quite sure how to start this conversation, and maybe she’s had it with Luther or Diego already, but he just can’t not say anything. He can’t leave her with nothing.
“Hey, it’s going to be okay,” he starts, because that’s all he can think of.
“What?” Allison turns to face him, mask in hand. She’s bouncing slightly, as though she refuses to stop moving, and Ben knows that feeling well. If you stop, you think. And if you think…
“I know how you feel. And I promise, it gets better,” Ben continues. He’s not sure if his words will help, but he’ll give them all the same.
He doesn’t believe them for himself. There is no hope left for him, for the monster he has always been. Ben will not get better. But Allison will.
Allison stares at him for a moment, silent, before tears start to gather in her eyes. And suddenly Ben is moving forward, he’s breaking his own rules, because his sister shouldn’t have to cry alone.
He hugs her tightly, rubbing her back as she returns the grip with just as much force. She sniffs, and Ben’s heart clenches, but he won’t let go until she does.
“I’m sorry,” Allison mumbles into Ben’s shoulder.
“You shouldn’t have to be,” he says.
They stay in each other’s arms for just a moment longer before there’s a cough from behind them. Allison looks up and backs away from Ben’s embrace sadly, as though she wants to stay, and he turns around to see Luther standing in the doorway. He looks apologetic, like he doesn’t want to interrupt. It makes Ben wonder how much his brother actually enjoys being Number One.
“We gotta go,” Luther reminds them softly, and Ben nods. He squeezes Allison’s hand one last time as she gives him a sad smile.
“See you out there,” she sighs as she puts on her mask. Ben suddenly wishes they’d all followed through on Five’s plan to run away when they were ten.
But they hadn’t, so now Ben and Allison and Luther and Diego and Klaus will go into battle again. They’ll punch and slash and maim and destroy in the name of saving the world. They’ll fight their demons alone, mostly, and together, sometimes.
Ben is so tired.
“Right. See you.”
The Horror is wide awake.
Ben curls his arms around his stomach as the eldritch tentacles churn inside of him, whispering dangerously in his ear and pushing at his veins as though it could escape through them. As though it is about to try. The terror he usually feels at the squirming of the beast is tripled, but Ben stays silent. Reginald does not hear excuses. Even when Ben knows what is about to happen.
There is a different power to the Horror today, a persistent and awful ache that grows stronger with each passing moment. Something is wrong. Ben can feel it.
He thinks his monster will finally kill him today.
Klaus puts a hand on his shoulder as they approach the crime scene but Ben shrugs it off without a word. His brother pulls back quickly, clearly affronted by the rejection, and Ben wishes he could explain. If he’s right, they’ll all just try to save him. They forget that he’s already gone.
Ben won’t let the Horror take any of his siblings when it takes him.
It’s a standard mission, all things considered. Another robbery, another pack of criminals looking to get rich quick. It’s a pity for them, Ben thinks, that he’ll have to kill them. It’s almost a relief that he might get to go with them this time.
Not that he wants to leave his family behind, of course. He loves them with all his heart, and he wishes that he could grow up right beside them. Ben wants to see them all get out of the Academy, and live happy lives, and go to college and meet their soulmates and make a difference in the world that doesn’t involve this cheap imitation of justice. He wants to do all of this with them, and more.
But Ben has known for a long time that he isn’t going to make it that far. He’s made peace with it (he thinks). All he’s ever wanted is more time.
When they get inside the building, Luther goes over the plan and Diego readies his knives and Allison controls her breathing and Klaus takes a swig from his flask and Ben watches them all. He commits their faces, their voices, their gestures to his memory, because he can just tell that these will be the last ones he has. He fights back tears. Ben wants them to remember him happy.
“Ben?” Luther’s call snaps Ben to attention, and he forces himself to grin. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” he lies. “Let’s do this.”
They continue down the corridors quietly, as Reginald has lectured them just yesterday on the element of surprise, and Ben finds himself next to Klaus again. He hesitates for only a second, because he’s not going to go out without saying goodbye to his best friend.
“Hey,” he whispers, and Klaus turns to look at him with those bright green eyes. Ben will miss those. “I love you, man.”
Klaus blinks, and he laughs loud enough to earn a stern glare from both Luther and Diego before he grins back.
“Why, Benjamin, I’m simply stunned!” Klaus pretends to swoon. “At least take me out to dinner first!”
Ben wants to laugh, he really does. He can’t. And it must be the look on his face that wipes the smile from Klaus’ face.
“...I love you too, Ben,” he says, more serious than Ben has heard him in quite some time. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah, yeah,” Ben continues to push down the mounting dread that sits in the pit of his stomach along with the Horror. They often go hand in hand. “Just don’t say it enough, you know?”
“Sure,” Klaus relents, though he doesn’t sound particularly convinced. Ben can’t blame him; he’s always been a terrible liar.
The Umbrella Academy reaches the vault, and Ben’s time has come.
There are more perps than expected, and the Horror is absolutely thrilled. It purrs happily – disgustingly – and Ben can feel his own heartbeat quicken in time with the eldritch. This is going to be long and bloody and terrible and all Ben can think about is that he needs to get his siblings out of here.
All of the robbers are armed and dangerous, of course, but they are startled by the small group of superpowered teenagers who pounce on them. It gives them a slight advantage as Luther takes out a few of them, Diego handles some others, and Allison rumors more carefully than Ben has ever seen. He’s proud of her. Klaus, of course, guards the door; he’s already safe from Ben.
But soon, they begin to stumble under the weight of exhaustion, and the perps just keep coming (how many of them fit in this vault, anyway?) and Ben knows it’s his turn to step up.
“Diego!” Ben calls out, and his brother quickly turns to face him after pinning one of the men to the wall with three knives at once. It really is an impressive sight.
“Get out of here! Let me finish this,” he commands with more authority than he’s used to, but he has to be firm about this. They can’t stay behind for him.
Diego, to his infinite credit, only nods.
Ben takes just a fraction of a second to take in Number Two, the boy who would always beat him in checkers and helped Ben when he was struggling to learn Spanish and tried to teach him how to throw knives when they were eight so maybe Dad would think Ben had a new power and he wouldn’t have to use the Horror anymore –
Ben hugs Diego before he can change his mind. Diego’s fingers dig into Ben’s back, and it hurts. Ben cherishes it more than anything else in the world.
“You got this, brother,” Diego says with a final pat on Ben’s arm before he grabs Allison and leaves the vault. It’s not out of the ordinary, Ben’s request. He’s been the one to put a final, bloody end to their missions more times than he can count. But sometimes the others will linger to watch the grisly sight unfold, unable to keep their morbid curiosity at bay. Ben won’t let them do that this time, he won’t let them see what happens to him.
It’s just Luther left now. He’s still fighting one of the perps, and with a final punch, knocks him out cold. Ben swallows. It’s almost time.
“Luther, get out! I’ll take care of the rest of them,” Ben orders, and Luther looks like he wants to argue. Ben doesn’t even give him the chance.
“NOW, Luther!” he practically screams, and Luther looks almost as shocked as Ben feels. He doesn’t think he’s ever raised his voice like that in his entire life. Well, now or never, he supposes.
Luther stops and stares at Ben for a moment that feels infinite. He must see the look in his eyes, though, because he heads back towards the door of the vault without argument.
“Be careful, okay?” is all he says, and Ben wraps him in a hug before he goes. It’s quicker than he wants, because there are robbers approaching with loaded guns and Ben needs to finish now while he still has the chance. So he pushes Luther out the door and locks it behind him as bullets start to spray.
Ben can finally breathe. His siblings are safe. He can let go.
The Horror roars.
Ben gets one last hug before he goes.
Klaus has his arms wrapped around Ben’s torso, which is caked in blood and probably torn open beyond repair. Ben wouldn’t know. He can’t feel it.
What he can hear, though, are Klaus’ sobs in his ears.
“Come on, Ben, come on! You can’t do this, Ben, no!”
His brother absolutely wails, and Ben can feel Klaus’ unruly curls resting on his shoulder as the rest of his body goes completely numb. He doesn’t really remember what happened; the Horror took over his mind in ways it never had before and then all he saw was red, red, red.
“No no no, Ben Ben Ben, no no no please –”
Ben wants to cry. He thinks he might be already. He didn’t want them to see this, especially not Klaus.
Ben can’t move, he can’t speak, all he can do is look up at the vault ceiling above him. He wishes there were stars to look at instead. Or clouds. Or even birds. He likes robins.
But then Klaus’ face fills his visions, and Ben thinks that this is okay, too.
Klaus has tears spilling down his face, but he’s smiling now, at least. It’s a bit better than the cries.
“Hey, Benerino. It’s okay. You’re okay. You can go if you want to.”
There are fingers carding through his hair, and Klaus’ arms are still around him, and Ben does his best to smile back.
“You’re okay, Ben.”
And he is. Nothing hurts. His brother is hugging him. He’d done what he’d set out to do, because The Horror is dead. Ben is his last kill.
And who knows - maybe he’ll get to see Five again.
So Ben goes.
Seventeen years later, Ben saves the world. He doesn’t see it that way.
All he’d wanted to do was save Viktor, and he was the only one who could. The world just got lucky.
And when Ben starts to feel himself fade into the light, he isn’t surprised. It was only a matter of time; he couldn’t stick around forever. He’s honestly amazed he’s managed to last this long.
But the last time he’d gone, he’d been hugging one of his siblings. He doesn’t want this time to be any different.
“Can you hug me as I go? It’s been a long time since–”
Viktor’s arms are the last thing Ben feels.
He’s missed being touched.