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"Say, Chuuya, have you ever been in love?"
Chuuya lazily opened his eyes, glancing to his right. Dazai was spread on the grass just like him, his arms crossed on his belly. His wild dark hair fell everywhere on his face, curled around his ears and straighter near his forehead. The white bandages wrapped around the brunette's face looked shockingly bright when compared to the rest of him, and made his skin look less pale than it truly was.
Objectively, Dazai was handsome. Chuuya knew that. Chuuya was aware of that. It was a truth he couldn't escape no matter how hard he tried. Even in the middle of a battle, even covered in his enemies' blood, Dazai was especially good-looking. It haunted Chuuya, in a way, because there was no way he was that attractive when he was busy murdering people. Dazai was just one of a kind. And while Chuuya would've liked to dump his obsession with Dazai's looks on jealousy , well, he's never been one to lie to himself.
Today was one of the first days of summer with weather that wasn't atrociously humid. Chuuya liked warm weather, sure, but he definitely didn't appreciate the moistness of the air and the way it felt heavy in his lungs. Dazai never looked bothered by cold or hot temperatures, nor did he react to dry or humid climates, and it was sort of weird. Chuuya would've almost preferred it if the boy expressed his preferences. That way, when they hung out, Chuuya would know when they should go outside or stay in their dorms.
But today, the weather was nice. So despite Dazai's complaints, Chuuya had dragged him out of their dorm room. There was no way he'd let the brunette rot in his bed for days on end when the sun was shining so brightly and their stomachs were full, they had money and a roof under their head, and no one tried to kill them because they were too scared they would end up killed.
Dazai was depressed; that was another undeniable truth. Chuuya knew it, and it wasn't hard to guess anyway. Dazai would spend entire weeks in his bed without eating or drinking if nobody forced him to go outside or take care of himself. Chuuya, as his partner, had to deal with his fair share of forcefully cleaning Dazai up in a bath, practically shoving food inside his throat and attempting to drown him with water every now and then. It wasn't that complicated. But it still made Chuuya feel kind of impatient because he just didn't get why Dazai wouldn't just… try to live— at least for himself if not for others.
They were laying down in the grassy fields of the Shin-Yokohama public park, alone in the peaceful quiet. Luckily for them, Tuesdays weren't busy days at all, and there were barely a few people walking around. Chuuya was pleased to see Dazai actually relaxed for once, not even bothering to play an act or tease him for his height.
"In love?" Chuuya repeated. "What's that question about?"
Dazai's light-coloured eyes flicked down to meet his. "Just curious."
Chuuya hummed, too at peace to get worked up over it. He knew Dazai well enough at this point to be very aware that it wasn't anything linked to curiosity. Dazai never asked things just because. That was one of the first things Chuuya had noticed about him; everything had to have a purpose. Nothing could be done just because. So, of course, it applied to Dazai's own actions as well. This time, however, the question seemed too innocent to be anything too rude or annoying; therefore, Chuuya indulged him.
"I'm not sure. How do people even know when they're in love, anyway? 'Having butterflies in their stomach' or 'blushing every time their crush is around' sounds really damn vague to me."
Dazai nodded multiple times. "I agree! I think it's all nonsensical idiocy. I'm glad the chibi agrees with me."
Chuuya rolled his eyes, but again, he let it go. "Have you ever been in love, shitty Dazai?"
Silence met his question.
Chuuya hadn't expected it, so he turned his entire face towards the brunette laying next to him. Dazai's face looked very complicated, something that didn't happen often. Usually, the boy had complete control over his expression, so to see him so deep in thought and reflection was… a bit uncanny. At last, a sigh escaped Dazai's pale pink lips.
"I don't know, chibikko."
"You don't know ?!" Chuuya frowned, thrown off. "What is that supposed to mean? You always know everything! You're a smart ass, you're, uh… you know!"
Dazai nodded again, then turned to his side so they were face-to-face. "You said it before; it's all very vague and meaningless. To me, life has no value, so how would love have any? I just don't know. It doesn't matter to me."
"Then why did you ask me?" Chuuya felt somehow a bit nervous to know the answer.
"I don't know," Dazai muttered. "I was curious."
Chuuya's fingers itched. "Curious about love?" His voice came out drier than he meant it to be.
"Curious about how it feels ," Dazai corrected him.
Their eyes met again, for a second too long this time. Everything was so peaceful for once, when it was usually chaotic and frenzied, and Chuuya just found himself at a loss for words. The sun was shining down on them, warming his skin, but not his insides. His insides felt warm anyway. The grass was just slightly damp, tickling his neck, his hands, his ankles. Dazai's eyes were soft, of a nice light colour, and despite his skeletal body and his bandages and his stupid, shitty personality, he was the most beautiful boy Chuuya had ever seen.
He didn't know who leaned in first, Dazai or him or maybe both, but it didn't matter anyway. It didn't matter in the way their lips touched so gently, instantly electrifying his body like nothing else before. At first, it was barely more than a hesitant peck, something that they both could've brushed over and blamed on hormones or teenage instinct. Dazai could've joked around and made them both forget. Chuuya could've pulled away brutally and disappeared for a few hours to cool down. They could've prevented this from happening. They had a choice in the matter.
But Dazai kissed him again, very purposefully this time, and Chuuya found he didn't want to pull away. He wanted this to happen. He wanted to kiss Dazai. Dazai, who made his family betray him. Dazai, who mocked him and made fun of him every time he could. Dazai, who beat him in every game they played and called him his dog. Dazai, who didn't care about him. Dazai, who laughed when he got punched and giggled when he was threatened. Dazai, who Chuuya hated, who Chuuya wanted to see dead on the ground and at his feet.
Dazai, who had a very soft mouth and even softer hands.
Chuuya's eyes fluttered close when he felt Dazai's breath on his lips. He raised a tentative hand, unsure of what he even meant to do. His fingers touched the brunette's cheek and his neck. Touching Dazai that way almost felt forbidden, because outside of punching and kicking and the occasional dragging by the hand, he'd never done it before. He held Dazai's neck with trembling hands, pushing him down a little to encourage another kiss. Each one ended way too fast, almost as quickly as it happened, and Chuuya never had the time to register how it felt or how well their lips fit together. He knew all of this would end soon— too soon, and he hoped he'd have enough time to remember it all before it was done.
Dazai made a breathless noise against his lips and allowed Chuuya to make their mouths collide once more. His hair tickled Chuuya's nose and he let out a small laugh against his lips, and the brunette actually smiled . Dazai smiled while kissing him. Dazai smiled while doing something that was neither about violence nor faking childish joy. It made Chuuya feel a type of way he'd never experienced before. Saying it was happiness would be too sappy and too hopeful for someone like Chuuya, but it was the closest word to it.
One of Dazai's hands found its way to his waist, somehow. He didn't question it. He didn't question anything Dazai did, honestly, because it was too good to be true, and speaking would definitely break whatever spell they were both under. And Chuuya refused to do that. He wanted it to continue for as long as it possibly could, because if it ended now, then there was no way he'd get to feel that warm and pleased again. It was one of those happy experiences you never got to feel twice. Once you experienced it the first time, it was over. There was no second chance.
Chuuya knew this wasn't supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to be kissing Dazai, the one person he refused to be kind towards. The one person who refused to be kind to him. But his hand felt shockingly good on his waist, even if there were three layers of clothing separating it from his skin. But honestly, skin-to-skin contact would probably be too much, even for Chuuya. He'd never kissed anyone before, much less touched them the way he was touching Dazai right now, even if it wasn't anything inappropriate. He'd never been held that way before, either.
The ground felt both hard and smooth under him, the grass dampening his clothes as he moved to scoot closer to Dazai. The boy's lips moved gently against his, though they lacked the confidence that came with experience. The thought that, maybe, just maybe, it was Dazai's first kiss as well made Chuuya feel completely shaken up inside. If it was , then that meant Chuuya had just taken something from Dazai. Something that Dazai had willingly given him. Almost as if he'd trusted Chuuya with it, trusted that Chuuya would make it good.
It was wishful thinking, of course, as there was no way Dazai would ever do something as meaningful for Chuuya, even on a whim. But it felt good to think about, and since Chuuya was already indulging in kissing Dazai, who cared if he let himself drown deeper in delusion?
Eventually, Chuuya's lungs begged for air. He broke the kiss, his chest rising and falling frantically like he'd been running. He wrapped his arms around Dazai's shoulders and buried his face in his shirt, his ears and cheek burning red. He hoped Dazai wouldn't pull away just yet, would let him recover in the safety of arms he trusted despite knowing they would never protect him. Somehow, the Universe must've pitied him, because Dazai's arms circled his middle and hugged him back. It felt unreal.
Chuuya was almost scared to breathe, scared to make any little movement, because he feared it would make Dazai run away. Dazai lowered his face, his lips touching the crown of Chuuya's hair. They stayed that way for at least five minutes, embracing each other in a way Chuuya would've never thought possible. He tilted his head up after a moment of heavy breathing, finally ready to word his feelings.
Dazai's eyes were on him, unmoving, half-closed and surprisingly soft. Chuuya usually praised himself for his self-control, but at that very moment, he couldn't stop himself from pressing another kiss on Dazai's lips. He felt his face flush even brighter, but Chuuya knew he didn't regret kissing the stupid boy the brunette was.
"Are you—" his words caught in his throat. "Why—"
"Chuuya kissed me first," Dazai breathed. His eyes shone brightly with the sun. Chuuya felt tears begin to burn behind his eyelashes.
"I didn't," he replied. "You did it first."
"Nu-uh, no way." Dazai's lips twitched upwards. "Or we did it both at the same time."
That was an offer of peace. Chuuya recognised it easily for having done something similar in many different situations, when bickering with Dazai began to feel too tiring to be fun or aggravating.
"Fine," he accepted, a grin slowly pulling at his lips. "My question still stands, shi— stupid Dazai."
Dazai squeezed him a little bit tighter. "I'm not sure," he confessed. "Ne, chibikko, Is that what love feels like?"
Air left Chuuya's lungs in a second. He choked, heart hammering in his chest, and almost cried right then and there.
"I— I don't know, you fucking idiot." He closed his eyes for a second, then re-opened them, avoiding Dazai's gaze. "Do you think it'd be something like this?"
The brunette chuckled, lowering his head to press another soft kiss on Chuuya's lips, just because he could. Chuuya couldn't help himself from smiling like a lovestruck fool, wide and bright and happy.
"I think," Dazai said, "that if I ever happened to fall in love with someone, then it'd be like this."
"Yeah?" Chuuya whispered. "Wanna fall in love with me, asshole?"
He hadn't planned to voice his thoughts. The words had stumbled out of his mouth, unstoppable and mad. It was a crazy idea, an unbelievable one, but wasn't that what characterised his and Dazai's relationship, in the end?
Dazai's eyes were brighter than the sun. "Yes," he said.
And their lips met again, and again, and again. They were barely sixteen, wild and boisterous and demented with youth. One was a wildfire, the other was a typhoon. And they also happened to be in love. Those were just truths of the world, truths that were utterly undeniable. Truths that Chuuya voted to cherish for as long as he could.
And at some point, words stopped making sense, and he let himself stop thinking, warm and happy against the lips of a boy that wanted him just as much as Chuuya did.