Work Text:
Dear Diary
Hiding in the library, because Heather Chandler got really pissy about something to do with Ram’s clothes or something in the canteen (which, honestly I think is a bit of a reach given that pink faux fur thing doesn’t really go with the random giant mouth on her shirt – but I digress).
Today was college meetings with Ms Fleming, standard mostly useless advice you’d expect from these kinds of things, although I must confess I got a little nervous when Veronica Sawyer, who had her appointment before me, stormed out of the meeting muttering something about how she didn’t need to be a hermaphrodite to be successful.
However, when I asked Ms Fleming about it she told me not to worry – she was just worried that Veronica needed something to make her stand out given she’s not very good in interviews – which, fair, that girl does have a creepy 1000 mile stare...
Anyway that was the bell, must dash, Mr Dennis has written a new song for drama class – and if I get there late he might make me sing it.
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Dear Diary
Clearly I need to check Instagram more, because I came to school yesterday and Heather Duke gave me a black rose - and I had no idea why. It was only in second period that I realised that Heather Chandler had commit suicide and I was the only one in my class who hadn't liked the post - Heather Duke told me I was an 'unempathetic pillowhead' for this. I've changed my email alert settings so I can make sure this never happens again.
Anyway, we had an assembly about it, Betty made a speech which I think she copied from Mean Girls – which, you know, is a good film so kudos to her.
Also Mr Waters has been fired for sexual harassment.
Anyway, there’s gonna be a party tonight at Heather Duke’s which is cool – although I do hope she doesn’t have that comatose old man in the middle of the room again like she did at her let’s piss off my stripper stepmom party.
Update: according to Instagram I'm actually meant to be going to the roller rink for the funeral, apparently Betty Finn is paying for it - she'd better be providing better food than that dry cake she brought in for homework club last month
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Dear Diary
There's a trail of blood outside the roller rink. I have checked Instagram but there seems to be no update, maybe someone just had a nosebleed or something.
Anyway, party wasn't bad, Heather Chandler did come back from the dead though - she assured us this wasn't a Jesus thing - because organised religion is the true root of all evil, but it did mean the We miss you Heather Chandler banners were a little outdated- I hope Betty didn't spend too much money printing them.
In other news, prom theme is Back to Basics which is fun. I’d better start looking for a dress!
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Dear Diary
Bad news! It wasn’t a nosebleed. Turns out Heather McNamara slit her wrists and it was the blood trail from her suicide that we were seeing. They’re gonna have to redo the whole floor of the roller rink and everything – which is a shame as I was just getting good. But we did get time off school for the funeral!
School musical auditions are this week, was a little disappointed they’re not doing RENT anymore, when I asked Mr Dennis why he said that he was instead writing a tribute to Heather McNamara and also everyone knew all about all the sexualities now anyway.
God, Mr Dennis’ songs are awful.
Anyway, the signup sheet is pretty much just the Heathers and Heather Chandler’s new BFF Lizzie, so between that and the songs I don’t think I’ll audition this year. Also, apparently everyone has to wear lemming costumes and that’s not really my style.
Got to go, Heather Duke is shouting at Kurt about how she’s a mountain lion and it’s really distracting.
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Dear Diary
Ram commit suicide last night, which is tragic and all, but like I feel like putting up fairy lights up on the bridge to illuminate your hanging dead body was kind of showing off. Also, he prepared a picnic, which was weird, but I guess spaghetti is as good a final meal as any.
In other news, Heather Chandler has started to sell I am suicide t-shirts, which I’d have rather not bought right after all that money I spent on my prom dress, but as far as her fashion tastes go – at least this one had no soft toys sewn on them, so I thought I may as well give it a try. It’s quite nice actually, red makes my eyes pop.
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Dear Diary
Made sure I liked all of the new I am suicide posters the Heathers and Veronica posted on Instagram last night.
However, I also put a sad reaction to the news of Brianna Parker’s attempted suicide, which apparently was the wrong thing to do, because she’s a fake wannabe poser who is just using suicide for attention, so I got called a 'half baked mouldy cheese puff that didn't even have the self respect to be vegan' by Heather Duke today. To be fair, I should have known, she didn’t even use any fairy lights or wear a hat with a swastika on when she tried to die.
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Dear Diary
Betty has been sent off to military school, to be honest I’m not sure what she’s going to learn there seeing as she already knows all the martial arts.
No one really knows why she was sent either, something about her not being pretty enough to get a boyfriend and causing JD to get into a car crash – although I also heard that he and Veronica were playing a weird sex game where they were driving with their eyes closed, so frankly, blaming Betty for it all seems a little sus.
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Dear Diary
Turns out Heather Chandler’s new BFF Lizzie smuggled a gun into school so she’s been arrested today, but it’s ok because they’re enemies now anyway.
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Dear Diary
JD just blew up his car, Betty being involved in his crash seems even more sus.
He’s been institutionalised for a week, which according to Heather Duke mostly means he's strapped into a bed and has to pee in a jar – idk though, she said it on her new Hellscape show and honestly there were so many explosions and pictures of worms in the background I could have missed something.
Anyway, Heather Chandler came into school with a new makeup look, kinda makes her look like someone tried to strangle her tbh, but obviously I didn’t say that to her face.
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Dear Diary
Ms Fleming's telling us that Heather Duke prefers the pronouns don't talk to me/don't talk to myself which of course I accept, but I think it's not going to fit in the space on don't talk to me's email signature.
Also Heather Duke shot Heather Chandler, which seems worrying.
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Dear Diary
Never mind, it was with a prop gun.
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Dear Diary
Apparently the school musical has been cancelled after opening night because of Heather Chandler, not really sure why - something about an influencer not liking it. I tried to see what Heather Duke said about it on Hellscape but got distracted by the cat in the background. Anyway, I hope they refund my ticket
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Dear Diary
Heather Chandler didn’t drive to school today for some reason, so she joined us on the bus. She got really offended when I didn’t want her sitting next to me, but really it wasn’t personal. I just didn’t want a peacock feather in my eye.
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Dear Diary
So it turns out that Mr Waters was the croquet killer. Wild that all this time there was a murderer at Westerberg – what are the odds?! But anyway, he commit suicide so we’re all safe now.
There’s a picture of Heather Chandler and Brianna Parker having dinner together on Instagram, not sure whether to like or not - as the general rule is to like if it’s Heather Chandler and ignore if it’s Brianna. Maybe if I comment with an emoji no one will be offended?
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Dear Diary
According to the announcement at the beginning of school today, it's been 80 days without a suicide. Unfortunately, we do have to go to the funeral of the woman who was training the teachers to use guns - even though it’s on a Saturday.
Prom has changed theme again, guess I’ll have to buy another dress.
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Dear Diary
Got talked into volunteering to sell prom tickets. Deeply regretted it after being given a 10 minute lecture by JD about how prom is slavery because it will make us have sex and then have children and die. I told him maybe he should stop playing weird sex driving games with Veronica then. He told me to die.
He probably doesn’t mean it.
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Dear Diary
Got my new prom dress today! It’s gold and looks amazing.
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Dear Diary
School shooting drill today, ended up being in the group that had to watch Mr Dennis’ show, which was truly terrible - guess it was a good thing I missed the musical after all. Saw the Heathers and Veronica arguing through a window in one of the classrooms, they seemed to have her tied up and were reading her diary; well that's what you get for not putting a lock on it like I do.
I think she just writes her diary for the aesthetic anyway.
Also, JD filmed me asking whether I'd like to be in heaven, and like I said yeah because they have cotton candy, but he gave me this really creepy smile afterwards. Weird guy. It's probably for some pretentious art video for film club, he’d better put my name in the credits.
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Dear Diary
Apparently the prom dress code has changed to all white, unless you’re a Heather or Veronica.
Kinda surprised Veronica is going at all, given JD’s stance, but apparently she and JD have broken up. The breakup seems a little sudden because like three days ago they were dry humping in the hallway – but apparently Veronica’s changed her mind – she does that a lot.
Went prom dress shopping again after school and found this super cute little white number.
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Dear Diary
Kurt broke into school to cover the gym with flowers and then commit suicide with a torrid love declaration for Heather Duke.
Wish he’d waited until after prom if I’m honest, like it’s your right to make your death as artsy as you want, but it’s really put a damper on the whole promposal thing this year.
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Dear Diary
New dress regulations came out. My white prom dress is too short. Went shopping again tonight and bought another.
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Dear Diary
JD mustn't have got the memo that elaborate promposals are no longer just. Saw him having a tantrum about Veronica rejecting his.
Guess he is over the whole slavery thing.
Maybe he was missing the sex games.
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Dear Diary
Never mind, prom is cancelled. Gave away my new dress to my cousin.
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Dear Diary
Heather Duke was accepting mourning gifts for Kurt today. Bought don’t talk to me a teddy so I wasn’t called names.
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Dear Diary
Prom is back on. Cousin will not give the dress back.
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Dear Diary
Heather Duke died by walking into barbed wire. Seemed like a freak accident to me, but Ms Fleming says it happens a lot and has put on an assembly about the dangers of walking in fields and the other hazards of everyday life.
Heather Chandler’s saying she thinks we should cancel prom in don't talk to me's honour.
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Dear Diary
Heather Chandler has declared prom the best thing we could do to remember Heather Duke.
Kind of running out of money for a dress at this point.
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Dear Diary
Prom night! NGL, they’ve done a good job of doing up Westerberg given they changed the theme 2 weeks ago. Just submitted my ballot – I’m not sure why Heather Chandler was the only option for prom queen but voted for her anyway.
Also Betty is back for some reason? She’s had a makeover, maybe that’s what you do in military school.
Spotted Veronica and JD shouting at each other earlier, no idea what it was about, to be honest I tune JD out when he starts rambling about society. It looked serious, I guess they really are broken up
Oh no wait, I can see them dancing together now, guess they’re cool.
DJ is playing I think we’re alone now , catchy song, but weirdly 80s all things considered.
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Dear Diary
Overheard Dylan shout something about JD and Veronica fighting each other with guns.
Don’t want to sound like I’m intruding, but I’m not sure their relationship is very healthy.
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Dear Diary
Big news, I died!
Turns out Veronica and JD were fighting about whether to blow up the school or not – can’t work out who was advocating for blowing us up and who thought they shouldn’t commit mass murder – it all got a bit confusing to be honest, but anyway whoever was arguing for it won and we are no more.
In retrospect, Ms Fleming should probably have included the dangers of prom in her assembly.
Still not sure why they killed us all, Peter said they thought we were all clones of Heather Chandler or something, which frankly I find quite offensive, I’ve never worn pink faux fur in my life.
In any case, they’re being punished by having to sit on their own in the darkness for the rest of eternity while we have a super cool disco - so sucks to be them.
Everyone’s super nice to each other now and there’s cotton candy, so I guess that’s cool and all - plus my new heaven prom dress is even better than my other five. Red really does make my eyes pop.
Plus, now we're dead, no exams!!!
So all in all, an ok Senior Year, 7/10.