Chapter Text
"C'mon Regina," Emma coaxed.
Regina considered her situation. Emma had asked to meet in the town park and sprung an absolutely insane idea on her. Snow and Charming, it seemed, were planning a godforsaken ball for Emma's 30th birthday. They also, as Emma had overheard, were planning on getting Emma engaged to one of the men she was to meet at the ball. When she had confronted them, they had refused to tell her who.
Hook and Emma were broken up; they had done so amicably weeks ago. However, the Charmings continued to suffer under the deluded notion that Emma's 'True Love' was out there waiting to be found. They even thought they had found 'him'.
In an attempt to get her parents to back off, Emma had asked that Regina go as her date to the ball and, to ensure they had everyone convinced, be seen on dates in the two weeks before and after the ball.
It did have its merits, Regina mused. The utter and complete humiliation of Snow White, the shock factor, and 'dating' Emma (at least for a while) were all good incentives.
"Regina?" Emma asked tentatively. Regina realized she had been silent for several moments.
"Just thinking, dear."
"Dear?"
"Well, I've got to have some sort of pet name if we're to be courting," Regina smirked.
"You'll do it?"
"I have four conditions, of course."
Emma nodded, eyes narrowing suspiciously. Of course there were conditions. This was, after all, Regina.
"Firstly, we tell Henry the truth. I can't lie to him."
"Yeah, of course," Emma agreed. "The kid deserves to know the truth and I'd never make you lie to him.”
"Secondly," Regina continued, "I get final say on all of your outfits."
"My what?!" Emma exclaimed. "You want to dress me?"
"Indeed."
"I guess that's okay," Emma conceded, "but I have to look like myself."
"Rest assured, Miss Swan, your flannel is safe." This summoned an eye roll from Emma before Regina continued. "Thirdly, our breakup. It has to be amicable."
At this, Emma perked up. "Oh, I have that planned already. A couple of weeks after the ball, we tell everyone we were faking the relationship."
"And pray tell, what good would that do?" Regina raised a questioning eyebrow.
"Everyone will have to realize that if I'd rather date the Evil Queen than marry some guy, he must not be my true love," Emma explained, satisfied with her plans. Then she froze.
"Wait, what's your fourth condition?"
"That you be honest, Miss Swan, and tell me why you chose me of all people as your comrade in arms." While the tone implied regality, Regina's eyes revealed that she truly did want to know why Emma had chosen her.
Emma stopped to think before replying. "Well, it's like I said; if I'd rather date the Evil Queen than marry this guy-"
Regina cut her off. "I mean the real reason. The one you're so reluctant to tell me." The frantic look in Emma's eyes revealed that Regina had read the bitten lips and tensed shoulders correctly.
"I, well, um, imayhavementionedtomarymargaretthat-," expelled Emma in a rush of air.
Regina cut her off sharply. “Emma, slow down.”
“Sorry, sorry. It’s just that Mary Margaret said some pretty homophobic stuff when I mentioned that I like women and men and I want to get back at her.”
Regina took a moment before she burst out laughing.
"Stop laughing!" Emma demanded. "This isn't funny!"
"Oh but it is, Miss Swan," Regina replied, after catching her breath. "It seems your mother hasn't changed a bit."
"Huh?"
"I had more than my share of female… companions after Leopold died and it made your mother quite indignant," Regina smirked. "This will make your insane plan all the more satisfying."
Regina stood, brushing nonexistent dust off of her black pencil skirt. "I'll pick you up at precisely 8 o'clock Miss Swan. Do try to dress nicely."
She was gone in a cloud of purple smoke.
* * *
"Nicely?" Emma muttered while staring at her closet. "What the hell does she mean by nicely? Casual? Fancy?"
And then she remembered Regina's second condition. Smiling triumphantly, she pulled on a pair of form-fitting jeans, a white t-shirt, and her red leather jacket, just because she
knew Regina hated it.
She took extra time styling her hair and doing her makeup. Only because the date had to look legitimate, of course. At least, that's what Emma told herself. By the time 7:55pm rolled around, she looked as though she spent more effort in her appearance than normal, but not like she was trying too hard.
Emma was on her way out the door when Snow's call stopped her. "Emma!"
"Yes?" Emma asked warily, turning to face her mother.
"Have you given any more thought to your ball gown?" Snow inquired kindly.
"Actually, Mom, I've got a date. Can we talk later?" Emma asked, trying to sound as casual as possible.
"A date?" Mary Margaret perked up. "With who? Killian?"
"Regina, actually," Emma called over her shoulder, halfway out the door and moving quickly. "I've gotta go, or I'll be late."
"Re-Regina?" Snow repeated, sure she had heard wrong. But Emma was already gone.
* * *
Regina was waiting outside, wearing a royal purple version of a little black dress and tapping her 5-inch fuck-me heels impatiently. "You're late."
"I got held up." Emma tried not to stare at the perfectly coiffed woman in front of her and found it extremely difficult.
"Is that what you call dressed up?" Regina looked over Emma's outfit with disdain.
"You said you'd dress me," reminded Emma, triumphant smile returning.
Regina rolled her eyes but waved her hand anyways, engulfing Emma in a cloud of purple smoke. Emma shivered at the tingle of magic that danced across her skin. When the
smoke cleared, Emma was wearing a pair of black slacks, a white silk blouse, and a red blazer. Her boots remained untouched, if a bit cleaner.
"Much better," Regina preened, proud of her handiwork. She missed the form fitting aspect of Emma's jeans, but she wasn't about to admit it. "Now get in. We have a reservation."
* * *
"Everyone's staring," Emma whispered, leaning forward. They were in a relatively secluded corner of the restaurant, but since their arrival they had attracted many a glance.
"That's rather the point, dear," Regina murmured while placing her hand on Emma's, which was resting on the table between them.
A young waiter came up to their table just then. "Can I get you ladies any dessert?" he asked kindly. He'd been their server that night and had done a wonderful job in not giving one singular fuck who he was serving, Evil Queen or not.
Regina looked over at Emma in asking. They'd been there most of the night, exchanging carefully planned and executed maneuvers of affection, discussing mainly work and Henry. Regina began drawing absent circles on the back of Emma's hand as she studied the woman.
Emma glanced at the dessert menu and her eyes lit up. "A slice of key lime pie?" she asked Regina hopefully. Regina thought for a second before sighing affectionately.
“I suppose," she acquiesced, glancing at the waiter. "Just one." The young man nodded, jotted it down and left with a smile.
"This was," Emma began, biting her lip when she paused, "a surprisingly good fake date."
"I suppose it was," Regina admitted, reaching up to brush a stray hair back behind Emma's ear. Emma glanced down at the table and blushed, reminding herself that none of this meant anything. Regina quickly drew her hand back and licked her lips nervously. That particular gesture of affection had been less planned than the rest.
They sat in awkward silence for a few minutes while Emma got her blush under control and Regina berated herself, yet both women were reluctant to break the contact of their hands resting between them.
The waiter brought the pie over, however, and they drew their hands back and both sat up straighter. Emma smiled in delight at the slice of key lime and Regina watched, smiling at Emma's antics. "Go on," she prompted, "I'm quite full, go ahead and eat it."
Emma smiled at Regina and began eating with gusto, albeit with smaller bites than usual. Regina watched the younger woman and mulled over the situation she was in. She'd developed feelings for the Savior sometime before or during the Neverland debacle, but had only come to terms with them after everything had calmed down once they had returned from Pan’s cursed island.
When Emma had asked her to help by ‘fake dating’, Regina had decided that if she couldn't have Emma forever, perhaps she could have her for a few weeks. She was regretting it now, because now that she had had the chance to show her true feelings for Emma, even if just for an hour or so, she knew it was going to be nearly impossible to go back to hiding her feelings. She had to constantly remind herself that any affection on Emma's part was purely fabricated.
"Regina," Emma said kindly, breaking the woman from her trance. The blonde held a pie-laden fork in front of the Queen, clearly expecting her to eat it. Regina glared halfheartedly for a moment before wrapping her lips around the fork and taking the piece of pie. Sitting back, she took a moment to taste it before humming in contentment.
"This is quite good," she admitted after swallowing.
"Well, that was the last piece, so unless you want to order more…" Emma trailed off guiltily.
"Oh, no," Regina assured Emma, "I was telling the truth when I said I was full, dear."
"Well, in that case," Emma smiled, and raised her hand to call for the bill. Regina caught Emma's hand with her own and brought it to her lips for a gallant kiss before releasing it. Emma dropped her hand to the table and blushed profusely. The brunette felt a fluttering in her chest and quickly stomped it down.
"I've arranged for payment already, Miss Swan," she explained, returning to formalities as she prepared herself to go back to pretending she wasn't falling hopelessly head over heels for the Savior in a manner that appalled her.
Emma nodded, offering no argument. She could tell that any attempt to pay would crash and burn, so the blonde stood and offered her arm to Regina. Regina took it with a small smile and the pair left the restaurant, the thump of Emma's boots and the click of Regina's stilettos sounding in harmony.
* * *
Henry threw open the door when Regina and Emma approached, now with the usual distance between them and no affectionate glances as Henry was the only one around to see them after all. He was utterly capable of staying home by himself and, as such, there was no babysitter to be seen. "Moms! You're both here!" There was a tone of questioning in his voice. The pair of women brushed past Henry one at a time, each stopping to ruffle his hair and press a kiss to his forehead.
"Henry, come along," Regina commanded kindly, following Emma into the sitting room. "Your mother and I have something we'd like to discuss with you."
Henry, now apprehensive, followed his mothers and sat across from them in an armchair. They sat on opposite sides of the couch, Regina trying to look relaxed and Emma leaning
forward.
"Moms?" Henry asked, wary.
"So Henry, um, well, the thing is," Emma began.
"Oh do spit it out, Miss Swan," snapped Regina, annoyed now that she had to go back to pretending. "It was, after all, your idea." There was venom in her voice.
Emma glanced over at Regina, confused by her sudden change in attitude, but she turned back to Henry to try and continue her explanation. "Your Mom and I," she began again,
"we are… well, we're fake dating."
"Fake dating?" Henry asked, puzzled. "Why?"
"So that your insipid grandparents cease their insufferable attempts to marry your mother off to a mild mannered peasant," Regina cut in. Her explanation only left Henry more
confused.
"What your Mom is trying to say," Emma cast a glare at Regina, "is that my parents think that I should marry some guy. They won’t tell me who he is but they think he's my true love." Henry scrunched his nose up in disgust. "Exactly, kid," Emma chuckled. "Your Mom is gonna help me by fake dating, just for a few weeks, until your grandparents realize that I won't marry the guy. Ever."
"Why don't you just tell them that?" Henry asked. Regina gave a cough and shot a pointed glance at Emma.
"Well, I tried that kid," Emma explained, "I even told Mary Margaret that I'm more into girls than guys now." Emma paused and Henry nodded in understanding. Emma had always been extremely open with him about her sexuality. "She reacted pretty badly and said a few homophobic things."
"So you decided to make a point?" Henry concluded. Emma nodded. "Okay, that makes sense. No offense, Mom," Henry cast a glance at his mother, "but Ma dating you, the Evil Queen and a woman, is gonna make a point. So yeah, that makes sense."
Emma and Regina glanced at each other, confused at the ease of the exchange.
"So I should act happy if people start asking me about you two? And not tell anyone?" Henry asked, standing.
"That would be ideal, Henry," Regina admitted.
"Alright, cool. I'm gonna go to bed, Mom. You should get Ma home." Henry pressed a kiss to each mother's forehead before bounding up the stairs.
Emma and Regina could only stare after his retreating form in confusion.
* * *
Henry, up in his room, sent a text to Ruby.
HM - Meet after school @ diner. Operation Albatross has changed
Despite the late hour, Ruby responded almost immediately.
RL - Roger that. Meeting set. Delete all communication.
Henry swiftly deleted the texts, shut off his phone, and began to get ready for bed, smiling brightly the entire time.
* * *
Regina slowed the car to a stop in front of Emma's apartment complex. "Miss Swan, don't get out of the car," she commanded.
Emma froze, hand on the door latch. "Why?" she asked, suddenly on high alert.
"You'll see. Just let me come around and let you out."
Emma released the car door and sat back while Regina exited the car and came around to the curbside to let Emma out. Emma took Regina's offered hand and pulled herself out. As soon as the car door shut behind her, Regina pinned Emma to the side of the car, one hand on the blonde's waist and the other behind her head.
"Regina- what- what the hell?" spluttered Emma.
"Your mother is watching, Swan," Regina explained, pushing Emma further into the car with the own body. "We're going to give her a show."
Emma's eyes flickered up to the window she knew was the one belonging to Mary Margaret. Sure enough, the light was on, a shadow standing at the window. Emma took a deep breath before nodding and smiling her cocky grin. "Well, what did you have in mind, your majesty?" she challenged, bringing one hand to Regina's waist and the other to her neck.
"This," was all Regina said before moving in, kissing Emma languidly and slowly. Emma kissed back passionately, burying her hand in Regina's hair, pulling her closer by the waist. Regina chuckled and pulled back slightly. It took all of Emma's willpower not to groan at the lack of contact. "Oh, no, Miss Swan. If we're going to do this, you're going to follow my lead. I know just how to push your mother's buttons."
Emma nodded, resigned. "This is all to piss off Mary Margaret, so I suppose I should let you take the lead," she admitted. Regina felt a plunging sensation in her stomach when she realized that this was, indeed, all a show to Emma.
Determined not to let it show, Regina moved forward again and captured Emma's lips, slowly again. The kiss was slow and deep, and nothing like Emma had ever felt. Regina channeled every bit of emotion she had into the kiss, trying to get Emma to understand how much she meant it. Hands, instead of wandering, ended up remaining where they were, buried in hair and resting on waists.
When they finally pulled apart, both women were breathless. "Regina, that was…" Emma began.
"Perfect," Regina finished, before realizing what she had said. Shit, she thought.
"What I mean is you'll find your mother suitably incensed when you enter your home," she explained, glad she could control her blushing. She moved away and allowed Emma to get off of the car, but remained close enough to convince Snow White of their affection. Emma nodded and moved away from the car.
"I should get inside," she murmured. Regina gave Emma another swift kiss, this one sweet and chaste, before releasing her.
"Yes, do go inside. You'll have to explain your mother's reaction to me tomorrow when you bring me lunch."
"I’m bringing you lunch?" Emma asked, beginning to move away.
"Indeed," Regina replied before opening her door and getting in. "Goodnight, Miss Swan."
"Goodnight, Regina," Emma said kindly, before turning and walking up the steps to the apartment complex. She heard Regina's car drive off and turned to watch it drive away.
* * *
As soon as Regina got home she kicked off her shoes and moved swiftly to her bedroom. The moment the door was closed, she cast a soundproofing spell and collapsed on her bed, allowing frustrated tears to escape at last. "You idiot," she whispered to herself. "You fucking idiot. Look what you've done.”