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Rain pelted on the window as the wind shook the entire house. Every inch of it was creaking. Regulus lay in his bed, shutting his eyes hard as if all the noise would disappear and allow him to fall into a slumber.
He had been laying there for at least an hour, the noise hadn’t died down and, if anything, he was more awake than before.
Regulus turned over for the hundredth time that night. The sheets wrinkled under his body, sticking to the bare skin of his arms. Regulus kicked the duvet off himself with a sigh.
He sat up from his bed, opening his eyes to his dark bedroom. It was winter, but of course, the temperature was warmer than ever at Grimmauld Place. Regulus had never bothered for snow in the winter, he tended to like the rain more, but the rain was an unwelcome surprise that night.
Regulus pulled on the fabric of his t-shirt to cool himself down, listening to the creaking. Somehow, it made him feel more alone than he already was.
Regulus played with the idea of sneaking into the room across the hall instead. It had always been quieter than his. But Regulus was fourteen years old, not a small child, he could handle the noises. He could sleep on his own. He didn’t want to be anywhere else than where he was now.
It wasn’t as if he would be met with open arms if he did. The rift between the owner of that room and Regulus was bigger than ever. Sirius was his older brother, and Sirius had tried to protect him their entire upbringing. And then, he left for Hogwarts.
Regulus scoffed as he thought of it.
Together forever was the promise they made that day when they were hiding in the attic. Regulus had knocked over one of his mother’s vases when they were playing. It was an accident, but she would have his head for it.
Sirius had hidden him away, told him that they needed to stand up for each other, to take care of each other, and that, no matter what happened between them, it was always them together.
And then, Sirius had walked down the attic stairs and taken all the blame.
He was always so brave to the point of stupidity. Regulus admired his courage, but there were times when he wished he would just shut up.
Times like that rainy and windy night.
It wasn’t just the weather keeping Regulus up, he could pretend all he wanted, but it was a worthless effort since he knew the truth.
It wasn’t the creaking that was the worst noise in his head. It was his brother’s screams from that evening.
He had messed up badly during the Black family Christmas dinner. They had guests over from all the Sacred Twenty-Eight and Sirius couldn’t keep himself in line for one dinner. He had to speak up when they started discussing blood-purity and blood-traitors.
He was brave to the point of stupidity.
Regulus shuddered as he sat up against the wall, leaning his head against it. He took a shaky breath as he cursed the stinging of his eyes.
She had been furious.
She had punished them before, of course, she had. It was to keep them in line. To discipline them. To mould them into the best people they could be. Regulus was good at following the rules. Sirius probably could if he tried.
And that was his issue, he didn’t try.
She had punished them before, but never on that scale.
She had used the cruciatus curse on him. She had used it on him, and he had screamed and begged for her to stop, and she hadn’t even flinched.
Regulus had heard everything, and he had done nothing.
Regulus wasn’t brave. Regulus was a spineless coward.
If the roles had been reversed, Sirius would have stood up for him. He had made her stop and change her target. He wouldn’t have hesitated.
But Regulus, on the other hand, had.
He hesitated to the point of when he came to his senses and was ready to intervene, it was already over, and Sirius had fainted.
She had forbidden anyone from checking on him, and Regulus had obeyed.
It was a moment when he was ready to help. It had been there, he was sure he would have tried something, but the second his mother looked him in the eyes and gave him an order, he couldn’t disobey.
But she wouldn’t know if he snuck over there now, but Sirius didn’t want to see him. Not after that betrayal. Together forever, no matter what.
Regulus was a spineless coward.
He felt the tears stream down his cheeks. Regulus tried to wipe them away, but they were a flood, and his hands weren’t a dam strong enough to keep them at bay. He gave up with another sigh.
“He abandoned you first.” Regulus whispered, desperately trying to remove the guilt that was layering itself thick in his throat, making it hard to breathe. “He left you all alone in this house and went off to have fun and meet new friends while you were left all alone. While you finally saw what Sirius had protected you from.”
And that was the difference between them. Sirius had protected him. Regulus had not done the same.
Regulus gave one more wipe at his eyes before he jumped off his bed, tiptoeing out of his room and across the hall. He didn’t knock. The sound of knocking would alert Kreacher who would not hesitate to wake his mother. He simply opened the door.
The wind hit his face and tugged on his wavy black hair as he stepped inside. The rain was louder in there as well. The room was as dark as Regulus’s. He couldn’t make out any details, but he was sure that Sirius wasn’t in there. He didn't know how he knew, but he was sure of it.
He walked with careful steps to his bed. He sat on it and felt the sheets. It was empty. Regulus knew the second he entered that Sirius wasn’t in there. Now he had confirmed it.
He felt his bottom lip quiver as he got up to the window. It was wide open. The sound of rain was clearer from the way it wasn’t muffled through the glass. The wind blew at Regulus more.
Sirius wasn’t there.
His eyes welled with tears that Regulus didn’t even try to hinder. He didn’t even have the chance to explain. To apologise.
He was just gone.
It was all too familiar. Like that first day alone after Sirius had left for Hogwarts. Regulus had been moping around the house; his mother had hated it.
“Boys don’t cry, Regulus. Your brother isn’t dead. Show some decorum.”
He might as well have died that day because he was so different when he came back from Hogwarts. He seemed to not have missed Regulus the same way Regulus had missed him.
Sirius had new friends and a new life, and Regulus had been trapped in their house. He hated their house. Regulus had felt what it was like to be on the other side of the wand. He learnt to follow the rules to not end up there again. He hadn’t changed, but he had learnt.
But Sirius never saw it that way.
Maybe it was a good thing that Sirius was gone. They never saw eye to eye. They weren’t really brothers anymore. Sirius never spoke to him like he used to. It was Regulus who had to seek him out, never the other way around.
Sirius had left him. Sirius had gotten a new life while Regulus was trapped. Sirius had the ability to forget, and that was what he had chosen.
Regulus had to choose the same.
He no longer had a brother because then he would always feel guilty. He no longer had a brother because then he would always feel like a piece of him was missing. He no longer had a brother because he had never really had a brother.
With a deep breath, he turned away from the window, leaving the room that belonged to no one. It had always been there with no owner.
He softly closed the door behind himself.
“Is that young master Black out of bed?” Kreacher’s grumpy voice filled the hallway before Regulus felt his grip on his arm.
The lights turned on and Regulus saw the smirk the house elf was wearing.
“Mistress will not be happy.” Kreacher was still smirking as he shook his head.
Regulus, the obedient good son – and only son of Walburga and Orion Black – followed without even trying to escape his fate.
What was one more scar when he just had gotten the biggest scar he could on his heart by being left alone in that wretched house again?