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“Ah, I hate this!” Regulus groaned as he unbuttoned yet another shirt. He threw it on his bed as he started to sort through his trunk to find a new one.
“I think this is rather funny.” Barty laughed. He lay on his stomach on his bed, watching Regulus’s misery. What a great friend he was.
“Could you not look at me?” Regulus frowned as he turned his back towards him.
“Why do tape your chest if you won’t let me see?”
“To look like a boy?” Regulus scoffed as he picked a shirt up from the trunk. He buttoned it on himself and turned towards Barty again it was on him. Barty was sitting rather than lying down and no longer wearing his shirt. “What the fuck?!”
Regulus shut his eyes as he groaned.
“First off, you are a boy. Secondly, look at me, no shame. I flaunt my chest however I want.” Regulus opened his eyes to scowl at him. Of course, he did, he had nothing to hide. Idiot. Barty sneered as he laid back down on his stomach. He kicked his feet as he looked at Regulus. “Just relax, I just see my manly best friend when I look at you.”
“You’re so stupid.” Regulus looked at himself in the mirror, groaning when once again he didn’t look flat enough. It was never enough. He had taped his chest badly yesterday because not every time could be perfect. He could get away with it in school because he could hide more, but he was going out on a date with James and hiding became a lot harder then. “Fuck!”
“Hey, calm down.” Barty stood from the bed. “I’ll help you, okay?” He roamed through his trunk for a moment before he took out a dark green shirt. “Isn’t this a good one?”
“Yes.” Regulus grabbed it and glared at Barty when he wouldn’t look away. He rolled his eyes before he did what he asked. “Thank you.”
“I don’t get why you haven’t told Potter yet. You’re on your fifth date, you call each other boyfriends, and you hang out like every other day, what are you waiting for?”
“I don’t know. I’m scared he won’t…you know…accept me.” Regulus sighed as he looked in the mirror. He puffed his chest out, it was okay, it passed.
“I think things will be better between you if you tell him. And if he doesn’t accept you, well, he’s not worth your time if he doesn’t.” Barty spun back around and smiled faintly at him before he got that look in his eyes that he always had when he was angry. They darkened in colour, and everyone Regulus had met found it terrifying. Not he though, he never found Barty scary. Annoying? All the time, but never scary. “And I’ll kick his arse if he dares to think or say anything about you.”
“Well, I just…I like James.” Regulus looked to the floor. He kicked at one of his sweaters that had fallen out when Barty roamed through his clothes. Regulus made sure they stayed in there, Barty did no such thing. “I have fun with him. I don’t want to ruin that.”
“Think about how it was with me and Ev. You came in here, first-year baby Regulus all scared about sharing a room with us, and that turned out great, didn’t it? I mean, you practically hated me until you realised that I couldn’t care less what you are.” Barty ruffled his hair and Regulus slapped his hand. A sneer spread on his face when he did. “I don’t know, but if it was me, I’d want to know, not because I’d look at you any differently, but because it’d be nice to know you’d trust me with something like that.”
Regulus hated it when Barty made sense. His best quality was that whenever Regulus was in his presence he was always right, so when Barty was right, it felt wrong. Regulus didn’t want to keep the fact that he was trans from James, but it had just happened. He didn’t tell him because he liked to know that James looked at him and saw a boy. He saw who he really was, not someone else.
On some level, Regulus thought James might know because Sirius was his best friend, and Sirius, of course, knew. Sirius could have hinted at it or mentioned it once or just talked about it in general, not thinking that it would matter to Regulus.
But it did matter. It was hard. When people found out, they looked at him differently. They acted differently. It was never the same.
The only exceptions were Barty and Evan. And Pandora and Dorcas as well. They all acted the same around him. Regulus felt safe knowing that they never saw him differently, but other people did.
Regulus just didn’t want James to be one of those people.
The door to their dorm swung open and Evan stepped inside. He smiled when he saw Regulus. It faded when he saw Barty. He raised an eyebrow at him.
“I’m just showing Reg that he could be naked and it’d be fine.” Barty smirked. Evan scoffed at him as he sat down next to him on the bed.
“Aren’t you wearing a little too many clothes if you should be naked?” Evan chuckled. Regulus grimaced as Evan started stroking Barty’s back. He hummed in response.
“I’ll give you a real show later.” Barty sat up and kissed him which was Regulus’s queue to get his wand - because he didn’t like going anywhere without it - and get out of there. “If you’re up for it.”
“Not right now, sorry.” Barty nodded as he moved to give Evan some space. “Good luck on your date, Reg.”
“Thank you.” He flashed them a faint smile before he headed out of their dorm and out of the common room. James had agreed to meet him at the Astronomy Tower because Regulus wanted to sit there. He liked it up there, and he spent a lot of his days there.
He didn’t like Hogwarts very much. It was big and empty. And the places that weren’t empty were crowded with people. Hogwarts had always been something negative in his mind due to how Sirius had gone there a year before him and left him alone in their house. It was all very stupid, but it was how it was.
He had to be someone he wasn’t at home, so he guessed that was the best part of Hogwarts, he could just be Regulus.
And he really liked Regulus.
He walked up the steps to find James there, lighting candles with his wand. Regulus smiled softly at the blanket he had set up in the middle of the candles.
“Oh, hi!” He smiled brightly at him when he saw him. James walked up to him and pecked his lips before he grabbed his hand. “I thought it would be a little cosier if I brought a blanket to sit on.”
“It’s lovely.” Regulus sat down on the blanket. James sat down next to him. He waved with his wand and a basket came flying over to them. “You’re getting good with your non-verbal spells.”
“Well, I did have a great teacher.” James chuckled. He was in his sixth year when non-verbal spells started to be important. He struggled with them, and Regulus was good with them despite being a year younger. He had helped him practise them, and it had clearly paid off. “Flitwick actually complimented me and told the others to watch me when I did it. That usually doesn’t happen to me.”
“Did you mess it up?” Regulus teased as he opened the basket to see what was inside. He got a sandwich from it.
“No.” James elbowed him before he got a sandwich for himself. “I did great. They clapped for me.”
“Should I be impressed by this?”
“Maybe.” James took a bite of his sandwich. “You should at least be proud of your boyfriend.”
“Proud? Yeah, I’m not so sure.” James gasped as Regulus giggled faintly. He took a bite of his own sandwich. “Okay, fine, I’m proud of you, James.”
“Thank you.” James looked away from him as his entire face deepened in colour. Regulus leaned on his shoulder as he continued eating. He looked out over the Hogwarts grounds when he did. “It’s pretty up here.”
“I know.” Regulus hummed. “That’s why I like it. It’s so easy to forget everything outside of here.”
“I can see that.” James leaned his head on top of his. Regulus shut his eyes for a moment and thought about what Barty said. He should tell him, he really should.
But he liked to be Regulus. He was so scared that James would look at him and see someone else. He was scared that he would look at him and see who he had been and slip up on who he was now.
He liked being Regulus.
“You’re a little tense.” James moved so he could look into his eyes. He probably saw something in them. “Hey, Regulus, is everything alright?”
See? He was Regulus. He wanted to be Regulus .
“Yes, I’m sorry. I was just forgetting.” James chuckled softly before he leaned in and pecked his cheek. “I promise, I’m okay.”
“Okay.” James stroked his hair as the iris of his eyes kept moving between his lips and his eyes. “You’re so beautiful.”
Regulus felt warm as he looked down to his lap. Beautiful . He used to hate being called that. It wasn’t who he was. He wasn’t beautiful, but James kept insisting on it, and he realised that he thought Regulus was beautiful. No one else, just Regulus.
That made it easier. James only knew Regulus, and he thought Regulus was beautiful.
Regulus glanced up at him to find an adoring look in his eyes. He couldn’t help himself from kissing him. He kissed him softly, slowly, deeply. He moved closer as James threaded a hand in his hair. He placed his hands on James’s face.
They kissed for a moment before they parted. Regulus moved up in his lap before he connected their lips again.
Regulus wasn’t quite sure how he got where he was. He was working the buttons on James’s shirt as they kissed. James twirled strands of hair between his fingers before he stoked down his back.
Regulus got the buttons up and James parted to pull it off. He looked deep into Regulus’s eyes as he did. His eyes were sparkling when he looked at him. Regulus was caught up in the moment, but as James reached for the buttons of his shirt, he snapped out of it.
He jumped away a little. James looked guilty when he did.
“Sorry, I just thought…” His words died as Regulus felt tears in his eyes. James must have seen them. He grabbed him into an embrace. “Reg, I’m sorry. We don’t have to do anything.”
“No, it’s not that.” Regulus whispered. He took a deep breath as he thought about it. He could do it. He couldn’t hide from James forever. If he wanted to be with him - which he currently really wanted to - then he had to tell him. “I’m trans.”
“Okay.” James moved a little so he could look at him. “So, you wanna be a girl?”
James looked deep into his eyes, the same soft and adoring expression he always wore when he looked at Regulus. Regulus, however, looked at him with pure confusion. That was not what he wanted to be. Not at all.
“No?” Regulus raised an eyebrow at him.
“No?” It was James’s turn to look confused as it slowly clicked in Regulus’s mind. He really was just Regulus with James. That was what he learnt. He was a boy, so much of a boy, that James didn’t understand that there was a time he hadn’t been one.
“James, think about it.” Regulus smiled softly at him. He was adorable. Regulus could see how he thought about it. He could see the thought in his eyes, in his face. The way he furrowed his eyebrows as if there was a tricky question on an exam that he had to solve.
“You’re trans…” James mumbled as he chewed on his lip slightly. “But you don’t wanna be a girl…but you’re a boy?”
“Yes, and…” Regulus chuckled faintly as he tried to help him without telling him because he adored how James looked at him. He was a boy, Regulus really loved that.
Regulus could see it in James’s face the moment it clicked. His face softened and his eyes lost that confusion.
“Oh!” James slapped his forehead paired with a groan. “You were born a girl.”
“Yeah.” Regulus avoided his eyes slightly because he didn’t like to think about that.
“Still, I don’t care. You’re Regulus, my boyfriend .”
“Really?” Regulus glanced back up at him. James had that adoring expression back on his face together with a soft smile.
“Really.” Regulus couldn’t help the smile that spread on his lips when James caressed his cheek. “And let me tell you, my boyfriend, Regulus, he is so incredibly smart and he is ambitious, and he is talented. And he is so fucking beautiful.”
Regulus leaned forward and kissed him again. James hummed as he kissed him back.
Regulus would never admit it as the night in the Astronomy Tower turned out way better than Regulus could ever have imagined, but Barty Crouch Jr had been right; telling James did make things better between them.
Much much better.
It didn’t matter who he was when he was born, because right then, he was just Regulus.
And Regulus really liked being just Regulus.