Chapter Text
First, you fall in love! Then… you go through a meticulous game of psychological manipulation and in depth strategy; fighting a war every hour of your life, in which you must try as hard as you can to outwit your enemy! A constant battle for control, fueled only by yours and your opponent’s pride, where sympathy and hesitation are not an option, until finally, through sweat and blood… They confess!
No matter who you ask, everyone would agree that it is a wonderful thing…
…
Okay, maybe they wouldn’t. In reality, most people aren’t trained for the battlefield that love entails. They go through life never experiencing the true powers at play; never analyzing their and their potential partner’s every move. Most importantly, they raise themselves to think that confessing is nothing but par for the course, with no destructive consequences or overwhelming risks.
Ridiculous, am I right?
Because, as we all have learned by this point, the truth of the matter is simple. Love is no mere social game.
Love
Is
War!
A war that people of today’s age are simply not ready to face. And as the new generations roll around; not yet prepared for the danger ahead of them, it falls in the hands of the veterans to teach this youth. It’s their responsibility to pass the skills and knowledge they’ve accumulated onto the next who will really need them. Because if they don’t, well…
Consider the following story a lesson of inexperience.
Plus, you came here for some Ishimiko fluff, didn’t ya? Okay let’s do this!
Our story begins a week from where we left off with these two. It was now mid February, and 4 and a half entire uneventful months had gone by (not quite half a year, but it sounded more dramatic that way). Having acquainted themselves with their brand new positions, and having added another three (currently conveniently missing) members to the student council, there were none but two matters left to occupy the heads of our new president and vice-president.
Firstly:
Work! So much work! Too much work! How is Iino expecting me to deal with all this? Does she think I’m some sort of robot?
And secondly, of course:
How can I get this idiot to confess? I’m throwing so much work at him that we don’t even have time to chat, but if I don’t do that then he’ll just head back home again! Why do I have to… love the most annoying man alive?
She said it! She said the word! Or thought it, technically.
Of course, Gomanosuke, manager of general affairs, only worried himself about the most sophisticated matters…
Meow!
Really, were you expecting something different? While both Ishigami and Iino had grown dramatically, they still had a long way to go. Love is war, but there are many different types of war out there. Some are fought because of pride, or misconceived assumptions. Others, much like in our case here, are fought out of simple fear. Rejection is possibly the worst risk a confession entails, and neither one of them had been able to push that fear aside. They needed each other too much to be able to do so.
And this is how we ended up here. Two idiots in love that should've really known better. But, in all honesty, who has ever been impervious to the heat of battle?
At the very least they were still somewhat able to keep to their prdinary scheduele despite all the turmoil inside. For example, Miko Iino, sitting by the desk that she was still oh-so-proud of earning, was at the moment trying to organize all the work and— yeah right.
Who am I kidding? There is no more work! At this point, I’m reaching stuff that was scheduled for Wednesday! If I throw Ishigami even more to do, he is bound to get suspicious. He’s quite observant; maybe he’s already realizing something’s up…
Meanwhile, said Yu Ishigami was currently sitting on the couch, typing away at his laptop, as usual.
Oh come on! Me and Iino are alone in here; this would be my perfect opportunity to finally talk to her… if it wasn’t for all this work!
In a situation that could only be described as ironic, Ishigami simply had too much work to realize why he had so much work.
Seriously, it’s like she’s doing it on purpose. Every time I find my perfect opportunity to start that conversation, she sees it as her perfect opportunity to give me even more on my plate. I’ve also got my studies to worry about; I’m stretching myself thin. Oh god…
Please don’t let me become a worlaholic like Prez!
Ishigami took a fearful glance at Iino, and she immediately snapped her head back towards her computer. Their eyes had locked for a few mere milliseconds, but it was still a few mere milliseconds too many.
Crap! Did he glance at me because he noticed I was staring? Please don't tell me he—
“Do you need something, Iino?” Ishigami asked.
Silence: shattered!
Peace of mind: in pieces!
Ahh gah! He did notice, he did notice, he did notice, he did notice, he did—
Is she alright? Why was she staring at me with such an annoyed look? Did I do something wrong again?
Ishigami realized that his feet were resting on top of the table, and discreetly placed them back down. If only he knew how to whistle, the set would be complete.
“No. Why? Is there something you need?”
“...Well, actually I wanted to…”
Oh yeah, finally some action! While that comeback might have been a total failure (despite Iino patting herself on the back for keeping cool), it was also like a gift made in heaven for Ishigami. She had no idea, but she had just given him the perfect opportunity to finally start that conversation he had been preparing all these months. The battle had barely begun, yet it was already looking like a victory for—
“It’s just… the productivity app we’ve been passing around. I was wondering if you had any of the student’s feedback on how we could improve it.”
What? Don’t tell me this was what he had wanted to ask!
That was 100% not what I had wanted to ask.
Yup, figured! But who knows, maybe Iino could also—
“Ishigami, we made the announcement about that last Friday. No one has even gotten to use it yet. Just relax okay. You did great with it.”
And it went right above her head. Of course it did!
Ever since that… thing happened, we never got the chance to actually talk about it. I guess all the trouble with the Shinomiyas, and then Prez leaving… It made us kind of forget about it. And now I can’t even make myself bring it up when I get the chance. It’s ridiculous, we’ve been dancing around each other for months!
Translator’s Note: The word “Thing” in Ishigami language, is often used to describe him and Miko Iino almost kissing when they were at her house. Or so is alleged at least. No one is quite fluent but the man himself.
Iino sighted.
Of course it was nothing.
But it wasn’t!
I know I’ve been holding back on it… but I can’t let another day go by like this. I’ll just have to resort to nuclear options.
Throughout history, many wars have been fought. Some were spectacular battles, built upon master tacticians. Rivalries that lasted for centuries, leaving a great impact on the world! Others however, became examples of incredible strategic blunders; fruitless conflict in which either side was merely fighting to be the first to lose.
The truth is, not every war is fought the same. And as such, some wars are simply fought badly. As it quickly became apparent, Miko Iino and Yu Ishigami weren’t really built for the battlefield the same way Kaguya Shinomiya and Miyuki Shirogane were. If the 68’th student council was playing chess, the current 69’th one was stuck with connect-four. They were naive and inexperienced. They had the advantage of a head start; having moved on from any possible denial as to their own feelings. However, they had the much bigger disadvantage of having too much at stake. Movie tickets that were never used; games that were suggested but never played. Battle after battle, mutual defeat had been like a curse clinging to them. And today looked like it was going to go no different…
I didn’t hope I’d have to do this…
Iino made sure to remove both of the earphones she was pretending to be using, and place them in their case. She was originally intending to listen to some of her usual stimuli, but quickly the thought had faded. What if Ishigami said something while they were alone? She couldn’t risk it!
“Actually, Ishigami...”
“Huh?” he perked up from the laptop to finally look at her.
Please don’t give me more work, please don’t give— wait. But her pitch would be a bit lower if she wanted to talk about something like that. Is Iino starting a conversation? What if she’s actually trying to talk about it as well? Would it be possible…
He blushed a bit at the idea. Just the thought of all that weight being lifted from his shoulders was enough to leave Ishigami in a state of bliss. Being optimistic was no easy task for him. He had struggled for months to keep himself from jumping to the worst possible conclusion. Maybe it could finally pay off…
A few long seconds of silence passed. No one said a thing. Even longer passed. Miko didn’t seem too interested in continuing, being too hesitant to even spell those words out herself.
“Are you going to sa—”
“A boy asked me out!” She said it so fast that it was almost unintelligible. Almost.
“Huh…” Ishigami calmly replied.
Huh? Ishigami calmly thought.
And then people wondered why he had that pessimistic tendency…
I mean, guys making moves on her isn’t unheard of, she’s very cute. And if she’s not my girlfriend it’s not like I have the right to be mad… But then why am I?”
What we’re seeing here is a classic! When you truly like someone, even the thought of that person being approached by possible rivals is repulsing. This is jealousy, and it’s something Miko Iino herself had experienced first hand while dealing with Ishigami. If in a strong enough dosage, someone’s jealousy could be just the tip they need to finally confess.
It’s a strategy as old as war itself, and it’s one that Kaguya Shinomiya herself used once to keen efficiency. Those two factors mark this as the perfect learning opportunity, to observe how these two truly fail in such an art.
But wait a minute, why would she be telling me this? It’s not like I asked her or anything. What if she’s trying to make me jealous...? Nah, I'm just making up stuff to make myself feel better. Besides, if she was, she wouldn’t be so obvious about it. Come to think of it, the people she attracts aren’t usually the best… Is she telling me this because that guy was harassing her? Is she too shy to outright ask for help? If a guy really dared to do such a thing to Iino, I can’t risk to play this off as a trick.
Mistake number one: Overthinking! When someone perceived as smart does something obviously stupid, it’s easy for one to overthink and make themselves believe there’s more to it than there ever really was. In Ishigami’s chaotic mind, the obvious possibility that Iino was just telling a very bad lie had been completely thrown out the window, because he was thinking too highly of her. And because he was worried for her, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.
“I mean, if you need my help today, I could always wa—” Ishigami stopped dead in his tracks.
Walk her home? I can’t offer her that! Last time I walked her home the… thing happened. Sure, I want to talk about it, but asking her again is basically the same as confessing I want it to happen again!
“Walk me home, huh? Did you forget what happened last time you offered that? Or is that exactly what you’re aiming for, you pervert? How sad, masking a love confession as an act of kindness. I’m sorry Ishigami, but a relationship like that could ruin the student council. Besides, the truth is that…
“I am really over you.”
No, no! Iino would never really be that mean… What am I saying, it’s Iino, she definitely would! I just need to remain calm. Overreacting could still doom me!
Now, this feels a bit more familiar, right? Ishigami finally managed to think a bit more strategically about this whole thing. Maybe, with a better execution than Iino, he could salvage today’s battle.
Ishigami really isn’t that good at hiding, I can tell his mind is racing, heh… Wait, he didn’t realize I was lying, right? Was I too blunt?
“Well, I don’t see how that’s relevant to the student council. Did you go out of your way to mention this because you’re bragging? Or are you trying to make me feel jealous? How sad and desperate. See, Iino, this is part of the reason why…
“I’m really over you.”
Ah, shut up imaginary Ishigami! He’d never really be that cruel…
Imaginary Ishigami had a point!
Mistake number two: Being too blunt! While bringing up a topic such as this, one has to be as careful as possible to make sure that they introduce it as naturally as possible. Not doing so would make the true intentions of the ploy obvious to the opponent. Kaguya had the advantage of a third party, as well as a written letter, unlike Iino, who had neither. In other words: she was woefully unprepared.
“Well, I’m guessing you’d know better than to go out with him.”
Ishigami crossed his arms and laid back on the couch, closing his eyes. Though a part of him really did trust Iino’s judgment, it was obvious to anyone that knew him for longer than a minute, that he was simply feigning confidence. In reality, his crooked mind couldn’t let him rest!
“Well…” she replied.
Iino laid a hand over her left arm and averted her gaze. It was obvious to anyone that knew her for a long time that she was feigning embarrassment. Anyone except Ishigami, actually.
“What? Are you being serious? You’re just going to accept a date with a random dude? Have you learned nothing?”
With how attention starved she is, how could I have been expecting something different? She is begging to be trapped in an abusive relationship!
Well, there goes the “better execution.” So much for keeping calm; his yelling, both external and internal could barely be suppressed by the thick council room walls. Iino meanwhile, was doing her best to suppress a devious smile instead. At least she didn’t need to hide the fact that she was blushing.
Ha! It totally worked! Look at him, he cares so much! He’s just dying inside and… it makes me feel so… dirty. I get that Fujiwara said there were no rules, but it really feels like I’ve overdone it. Ugh, just confess already, you idiot! Do you really want to risk losing me? Don’t you… care…?
“Hey I didn’t say I would!” she yelled, trying to match Ishigami’s tone to calm him down. “I’m just saying I’m considering it. Most likely I won’t, alright?” Iino wrapped her hands around herself. A self-hug! Always lovely, and a great way to seem even more embarrassed.
Mistake number three: Sympathy! While it may seem cruel, when it comes to a war of the hearts, sympathy is nothing but an interference. Both Shinomiya and Shirogane were able to pull off much more impressive schemes when they were willing to play dirty. By de-escalating the situation, Iino was getting rid of her advantage, and risking Ishigami actually figuring out her plan. All to make him feel better… Huh. Maybe sympathy isn’t the worst either.
“‘Most likely?’ The fact that you’re even considering this offer is insane. Are you just that easy to get that you consider every bastard that harasses you?”
At this point, Ishigami was off the couch and actively advancing forward, which prompted Iino to raise herself from the chair as well. Eventually, they both made it to the middle of the room, where they would usually fight. Iino was careful not to stumble on the cat resting right beside them. Gomanosuke was observing the fight carefully.
In the end, despite her best efforts to ruin her plan, little did Iino know that Ishigami was also busy ruining his chances.
Mistake number four: Putting emotions over logic. It has been scientifically observed that logic and emotions are simply polar opposites. They can never cooperate, and in the end, it’ll always be a choice between one or the other. While it may seem counterintuitive in a war centered around love, letting emotions lead instead of logic can be disastrous. Instead of analyzing and coming to the conclusion that Iino is tricking him (which would also lead him to the conclusion that she does in fact like him), Ishigami is letting himself be carried away by his fear.
"Harassing me? Who the hell said anything about harassment? What’s up with you and always coming to the worst possible conclusions?”
“Are you seriously saying this to me? You do the exact same thing all the time!”
“I would never make such dramatic leaps in logic based on so little context!”
“Bruh.”
They say that, while people change, some things about them never really do. And despite how much they may love each other, it’s hard to forget just how they started. Any sort of relationship between Miko Iino and Yu Ishigami would never be complete without the occasional shouting match.
“Besides, it’s not me coming to the worst possible outcome. If anything it’s the most likely scenario. I’m being a realist! That’s an improvement.”
“Are you implying that no guy could seriously ask me on a date without him being some sort of asshole or harasser?” Iino closed the distance a bit more, staring at Ishigami with a deadly glare.
“What? Of course not! Now you’re the one coming to conclusions!” Ishigami tried his best to glare back. He himself stepped forward, closing the distance even more.
“Then what other reason would you have to assume that?” And more!
“I don’t know. Why else would you bring it up like that if you weren’t asking for some sort of help?” And more!
“You— you thought I needed help? Is this why you’re acting this—?” More!
Until suddenly… silence! The room turned so quiet, so quickly, that Ishigami couldn’t help but look completely baffled. The only thing he could hear was a heartbeat, as well as what he assumed was a nervous gulp from Iino. And then he realized…
What the hell? We’re so close to each other! We’re almost… almost…
Mistake number five: Fighting. While yes, love is war, that isn’t intended in the conventional sense. Unlike traditional war, which is fought through body strength and outright battle, wars like this one are supposed to be fought by the heart and mind. They’re about outsmarting your opponent, not beating them up. Actually fighting with your opponent only ever serves to make you vulnerable, as heavy emotions like anger often tend to do.
What the hell? When did Ishigami get so close to me? I think I can hear his heartbeat from here? Is that my mind playing tricks on me? I swear, we’re so close we could almost… almost…
I don’t think you’d need me to tell you how red their faces were. So close to each other. It was just the perfect distance for something to finally happen. For one of all these butchered plans to finally luck out and somehow work! But there’s one thing we haven’t seen yet. One thing I’m sure you’ve been expecting. Say it with me now, it’s…
“Hey Prez, what’s with the silence all of a sudden?” It was none other than new secretary, Mitama Tono, peeking her head through the student council’s room door.
Chaos theory! Random events that can’t be predicted and completely change the equation and possible outcomes, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You already know exactly what it is! And no student council could exist without someone there who could personify that sense of anarchy.
The surprise was enough to make both Ishigami and Iino jump; the latter of whom forgot about the lying cat behind her. Iino stumbled backwards on the feline, almost falling before Ishigami reached out to hold her up by the hand. They stared a bit at each other before he pulled her on her feet again. How adorably cliche!
Poor Gomanosuke shrieked a bit before running away, though one could argue it was his fault for being able to sleep through that. Natural selection dictates that such a deep sleeper wouldn’t have made it that far on his own anyways.
This isn’t fair! How can he go from pissing me off to saving me like that? Ugh!
This isn’t fair! How can she go from getting on my nerves to looking at me with such cute eyes? Ugh!
If only he would confess to me. But I can’t risk it otherwise.
If only she would confess to me. I’d be dead before I risk it.
Once both of them got stable on the floor, and a fair distance away from each other, Tono spoke again. “Why do you guys look so red? You look like you ran a marathon… Wait! Were you two about— did you just— what just—”
“Well, I’m done with my work anyways, so I’ll be heading out now,” Iino said, trying to excuse herself as fast as possible. She brushed past Ishigami and Tono, making her way towards the door, a blank expression on her face.
“Wait! Iino! About the date—”
“Huh? Date?” Tono’s head was snapping between the two, her eyes wide with surprise.
“I’m not going anywhere! Just finish your work as well and go home. You’re so hard to deal with.” That last part had been a whisper, of course.
I don’t know which is worse… the fact that Iino just left me here, or the fact that she just left me here with a hyper-charged Tono?
The horror on his face was visible as she approached him, each question louder than the last. “A date? What date? You two closed a date? You two canceled a date? What happened? You were almost kissing there, don’t go thinking I missed that. And what amazing chivalry, saving her like that. Did you see how flustered she was? To be fair, so were you. Oh you guys are so cute together, I could almost…”
Make it stop, please!
Today’s battle results: Mutual defeat… for the seventh time this month. Iino for failing to make Ishigami confess; Ishigami for having to suffer through hyper-charged Tono for the rest of the day. Those two never learn, do they?
Iino slammed the door closed behind her, and rested herself on it as she tried to catch her breath. She laid her hand on her chest; it was like she had just ran a full marathon.
It’s alright Miko. Just close your eyes and everything will be fine… That didn’t work out how I wanted it to. This is the second time I tried being a bad girl and it blew up in my face again. Why does nothing ever work?
“It was a fair try.” Shinomiya said, leaning on the wall right beside her.
“Yeah I agree. I’ll have to try something different next time.” Iino nodded.
Wait…
She slowly turned her head with a look of priceless surprise.
“Shinomiya? What are you— how did you— how much did you—”
“What? Just because I have studies, I can’t pass by to see how my friends are doing?”
That expression on her face, like she had just heard a hilarious joke. Just a reminder of how right Ishigami was. Shinomiya could really look scary if she tried.
“Well that’s not what—”
“Um, it looks like Iino forgot her earphones. Here, I’m going to return them to her.” Ishigami yelled from behind the closed door.
“Oh no you don’t! I won’t just let you leave like that. We still have so much to— hey come back here!” Tono yelled as well.
Rapid footsteps could be heard approaching from inside the room.
Iino’s eyes widened in realization.
“I’d suggest you start running.” Shinomiya whispered.
And so, Iino did. As fast as she could. Then came Ishigami, shoving the door open and running after her.
“Hey Iino! Wait up!”
And lastly came Tono, trying to catch up to him.
“Why do I always forget you have such stamina? Slow down a bit!”
Shinomiya only smiled at the sight.
Considering mine and Miyuki’s record… it’s reasonable that they’ll be running for the next few minutes. Oh the chaos will be priceless. They really are quite cute together. If only they had but the slightest idea of strategy. Then again, maybe I could teach them… Or not. I’m sure they’ll figure it out. Besides, I’ve got too much on my plate already. For me to go through the trouble, something completely insane would have to happen.
Spoiler alert: Something completely insane does happen! But I guess you’ll have to read the next chapter to find out! What a shame…