Work Text:
la douleur exquise
(n.) the heart wrenching pain of
wanting the affection of someone
unattainable
Armin had always known. He knew from the start that he had loved his childhood best friend.
His male best friend who so obviously had a crush on a girl.
Armin also knew he never had a chance. He would never beat out the beautiful girl that is Mikasa Ackerman.
And that was okay. He could pretend.
Until he couldn’t.
Armin could always tell that his two childhood friends would someday get together.
He just wasn’t expecting it to hurt so much.
He didn’t know that seeing his dear, dear friend flirt with the man he loves so much would hurt. Truthfully, he should’ve seen it coming. Armin was smart- incredibly smart, and missing something as obvious as this should’ve made him feel stupid. But instead, it made him hurt.
He should’ve known. He should’ve known that seeing Eren rest on somebody else’s shoulder would make him hurt.
Should’ve known that seeing Eren’s cheeks turn a stupidly adorable pink color because of someone that wasn’t him would make him ache.
Should’ve known that seeing him kiss his childhood best friend would make him feel so miserable to the point where he has to physically leave the room they were in.
He should’ve known. He should’ve known. He should’ve known. He should’ve known. He should’ve known. He should’ve known. He should’ve known. He should’ve known.
“Fuck..” he whispered, his head hitting the back of the door he just slammed shut. His knees gave out beneath him, causing the blond to fall to the ground.
He pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his head beneath his legs. He hardly noticed the fact that he was currently sitting outside , on the floor, with tears beginning to well up in his eyes- threatening to fall.
He sat there in silence for a while, not sure what he should do.
...
“Armin..?”
Armin knew that voice. He could recognize it anywhere.
“Go away, Eren.” his voice came out wobbly, causing him to drop his head back down in embarrassment.
“Armin, let me come out. Please.”
“Fuck,” he looked up again, debating whether or not it was worth it to just run away and never come back again.
The two were quiet for a while, the sound of Armin’s shaky breathing was the only thing audible between the pair.
“Yeah, okay..” Armin finally began to get up, not even sure how long he had been on the floor. He sighed, his entire body weak.
He really didn’t want to do.. whatever this would be. But he couldn’t hold it off for long.
He put his hand on the door, slowly opening it. The door pulled towards, and past him, revealing a very.. confused but still cute looking Eren Yeager.
His long brown hair was tied up into a messy bun with hair sticking out from all over the place.
From Mikasa, Armin’s brain supplied, making him hurt even more despite not knowing whether she had even touched his hair.
“..Min? Armin?? Hello..?” Eren’s voice began to fade into his ears, Armin realizing he hadn’t even noticed that he was being spoken to.
“Sorry..” he made no move to continue, so Eren just nodded at him.
“Yeah..”
Armin just wanted this to end already. He wanted to go anywhere that wasn’t here. Wanted this stupid crush to go away already.
“Are you okay, Armin? You’re acting..”
Annoyed? Annoying? Dramatic?
“..weird. Really weird.”
Oh.
“Fine. I’m fine, Eren.” he quipped, slightly rolling his eyes.
“Armin, just tell me what’s wrong.”
“Nothing. Leave me alone.”
“God, Armin! Please, just tell me!” the brunet’s voice came out husky, as if he actually cared for Armin’s problem.
“Fuck, Eren! I just didn’t expect to walk in on my childhood best friend making out with the boy I have a crush on! God, you’re everything to me and seeing you with.. with her just fucking.. it fucking hurts.” he paused, tears beginning to fall from eyes. “Loving you is a torture but, fuck, I did! I still do! It hurts so fucking bad seeing you with her!” The tears were spilling down from Armin’s eyes to his cheeks rapidly, but he didn’t stutter. Not once.
Eren paused, his eyes going wide as he processed the words Armin just said.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Armin was really regretting his decision not to run away, questioning if it was too late to run now.
“You.. what?”
Armin sighed, it was too late. Eren had heard him, he knew. He knew what he said. He knew how he felt. He knew.
“I love you.”
“Love..? How did I.. how did I never notice?” Eren whispered, almost to himself.
“You never knew that I loved you because you were too busy loving someone else to notice me.”
“Look, Armin. I’m, uh, flattered and all, but I don’t..”
Armin’s breath slowed, he knew that Eren loved Mikasa. He knew that Mikasa loved Eren, but maybe, just maybe-
“I’m not into guys, Armin.”
Armin felt his heart shatter into pieces. That was it. All those years he had spent in love had gone to waste. Gone to nothing.
His entire world was crushed with just five words. Five.
“Oh.”
Armin’s brows knitted and his eyes flooded with tears.
He hurt. This hurt was deep and suffocating- it was unbearable.
“I have to go.” Armin choked out, the words hardly able to escape from his throat. He refused to look at Eren. He wouldn’t be able to handle it. He already hurt so bad, he didn’t need to see Eren’s face.
He knew it would just hurt him more.
He couldn’t pretend. He couldn’t pretend that he was okay- okay with being alone .
He couldn’t pretend he could accept the fact that he would never be good enough. Couldn’t pretend that he could watch Eren and Mikasa be happy together. He would never be able to do that.
And so, Armin walked away. He walked without looking back. He walked even though he had no clue where he was going.