Archive of Our Own ^beta

Ceilings, plaster. Can't you just make it move faster?

There's a finger that pokes his ribs as he stares at the ceiling, watching the fan rotate and rotate, the air barely kissing his skin from the distance between them.

It's his break and he turns with a smile to his side even when he had a scowl on his face before. His frown melts into a smile when he sees who is staring at him, a smile on their face as they propped up their chin with their palm to stare at him.

"Hi pretty stranger," they say and Jungwon blushes, eyes flitting across the person's face to look at their lips that are stretching into a larger smile.

He wants to lean in and kiss them, sink his teeth into their bottom lip and hear them groan in agony but still let him have his way, let him suck on the spot to make it feel better.

Jungwon doesn't do any of that.

He instead just stares at them, watching them talk about something he's definitely sure he's heard before but he's content just sitting here and listening to them babble about it once again.

It's always a joy, staring at his eyes, watching his cheeks rise and go red at the tips. He is really the most beautiful person he's seen. Slender fingers that play with his. A nose so sculpted you'd think he made himself. Those plush lips that always kiss Jungwon's temple and his own blushing cheek before he stands up and leaves the cafe. His right dimple that shows when Jungwon makes a light hearted joke and he laughs, endeared.

Jungwon watches him complain about a mosquito bite that he's been nursing over the week, applying a balm of some sort to it, making sure it doesn't get infected. Jungwon has told him countless times that mosquito bites don't get infected but he doesn't listen.

Lovely, to just sit here with you. You're kinda cute…

Jungwon stares at him, mind blank as he continues to speak and then stops when he notices that Jungwon isn't saying anything in response. He boops Jungwon's nose and then breaks out into a giggle, his face crumpled in a smile.

Jungwon loves seeing him like this.

So carefree and normal. Without worry lines that usually take up most of his face.

He likes his smile. The way his teeth peek out behind pink lips. It's such a beautiful sight that makes him melt on the inside.

His laughter is deep. Jungwon wants it to shake him at his core even when they're just having fun and he shouldn't be thinking of things like that. But he's everything that Jungwon wants. Now and always.

He comes closer, pecking Jungwon's lips as he gets up from his seat, the cup of strawberry cream milkshake in front of him now empty and half of the chocolate croissant gone. He eats well.

Jungwon lets him steal more kisses, lets him pucker his lips annoyingly and continues to kiss him some more until Jungwon breaks into a smile and looks away, shying from the excess affection.

His break is over and he knows he'll have to leave. Jungwon stands up and walks him to the door, his head peeking from the door frame as he watches him run down the steps, his hand over his head as he tries to cover himself from the rain that has started to trickle down, wetting his hair.

…but it's raining. Harder. My shoes are now filled with water.

He heads down the steps, fumbling for his keys and Jungwon laughs when he sees it fall to the ground and he has to crouch to get it. He opens the car and gets into his seat, trying to fasten his seatbelt.

Jungwon doesn't want him to leave. He doesn't want him to disappear like this. His hands ache to hold his again. His lips are cold without him warming them.

So he runs down the steps too, not bothering to cover his face from the rain because he's getting soaked anyways and he'll have to change his clothes, dry his apron and deal with his nagging manager but he doesn't care.

Not right now. Not when he's almost at the door of the car and the rain is falling in fat drops down on him. Faster. Harder.

His shoes make squelching sounds when he gets to the window of the car. He knocks on the glass and the man inside looks up from where he was looking for something and he looks confused at first but then he smiles a little and does the window down.

"You're soaked," he says as if Jungwon doesn't feel the water seeping into his undershirt.

But he doesn't say anything. Doesn't reply to him because he's leaning his head into the car, making sure the man gets the point of his visit and he smiles.

He smiles so wide that it doesn't close even when he's leaning back against the head of his seat and Jungwon's smaller lips are kissing him.

It's sweet. Like his milkshake and Jungwon doesn't want to leave. He doesn't want his wet hand to stop cupping his face. Even when his back hurts from arching it so he can kiss him. Even when his body is cold from the rain hitting his back.

Lovely to be rained on with you…

The man pulls away though, leaving Jungwon a whining mess. He's about to complain and ask for more kisses but the man is taking off his seatbelt and Jungwon is moving away from the door.

He opens it a little abruptly and steps out into the rain too, his mildly soaked hair now getting completely wet in under seconds.

Jungwon's smile blooms and he feels his cheeks hurt from how wide he's smiling. The man smiles too, holding his waist, kissing him softly under the rain.

He's sure they both look stupid, standing under the soaking rain when everyone is running for shelter. Standing here with his hands on Jungwon's waist and Jungwon's hand around his neck, one on his chest where his heart beats fast.

"You're going to get sick!" The man says, his voice raised just a little over so Jungwon can hear it over the rain. "Get back inside, baby."

Jungwon pouts, knowing he doesn't want to leave but also knowing that the man is right. He's going to get sick if he doesn't go back inside. Also probably get in trouble with his manager but she likes him so he'll be fine.

Before he does, he stands on his tip toes, kissing his lips once more, loving the way he tries to lean down for more when Jungwon pulls away and places his hand on his chest as if to stop him.

He doesn't try to steal another kiss when Jungwon turns and runs up the steps back to the cafe, his hand covering the top of his eyes so he can see the moment Jungwon waves at him and he waves back, heading inside his car.

He stands from behind the glass door of the care, soaked from head to toe as he watches him drive away.

It's kinda cute but it's so short. Then you're driving me home.

He came to pick Jungwon up from work. Opened the door for him like a gentleman, even recreated Jungwon's favorite kdrama scene by putting on the seatbelt for him and then leaning for a kiss, easily stealing one since Jungwon had been entranced, staring at his brown eyes.

They drive with the radio on, just as white noise. He's talking to Jungwon again, telling him about work.

And Jungwon listens. Because that's what he loves to do. To listen to him talk. Mostly because he's the one always doing the talking.

It feels so short, the drive to Jungwon's apartment. Why does an hour feel like minutes when he's next to him? Why couldn't the time stop until they didn't have to leave?

Jungwon sighs as they pull up to his apartment and he slumps back into the seat, clutching his back full of wet clothes, looking outside the window to see that the rain has stopped.

He didn't even notice.

And I don't wanna leave. But I have to go.

He turns to him, seeing him smile already, like he knows how this is going to go. It's happened for too long already.

His hand rubs over Jungwon's gently, his fingers saying the words Jungwon already knows. They pull at his own fingers until Jungwon relents and lets him hold his hand, fingers intertwined like they were one and the same.

"You should take a warm shower. And hot soup. I got some for you,"

Jungwon doesn't want to leave. He doesn't want this to be over so soon. But he knows he has to. He has to not get sick for him to be able to see him everyday. For him to kiss him everyday.

He nods in response, his air dried hair shaking with it. He knows it's frizzy and he looks a little crazy but he doesn't seem to mind.

If anything, Jungwon is sure he finds it cute. He finds everything about him cute.

You kiss me, in your car and it feels like the start of a movie I've seen..

His other hand reaches for Jungwon's face, cupping his cheek as he leans closer, kissing his lips. Short but sweet.

Like what they have.

Jungwon kisses him back, albeit a little reluctant if only for the man to kiss him some more because he knows he wouldn't leave Jungwon until he got a kiss back.

He kisses him long and deep, savoring it before he walks out of the car, slowly at that. He rushes up the stairs to his apartment and he opens the door easily, throwing his bag to the ground because he has something else that's more important than drying his wet clothes.

He runs to the balcony, looking over the dark sky, the stars and the moon like they've been hung by the one person he's looking at from the distance.

He sees him smile and wave, happy that Jungwon got it safe. It's a thing they do. Whenever he couldn't come up, he'd wait down there, wait for Jungwon to get inside and he'd come to the balcony to ensure that he's inside.

Jungwon feels the tears prickle his eyes as his own pal waves back, the man happy with the response he gets and he starts his engine. The sound is so loud in Jungwon's ears. Despite the fact that it's not the only car that's making so much noise.

… before

He's seen it a thousand times. He's memorized it by sight, by touch. He knows it's his.

Pastel blue, chipped at the sides because he'd been driving too slow and a driver behind him scraped it. The tires have a patch on it and the windows are always shiny because he says he likes being able to see Jungwon even from a distance.

When the car pulls back and turns to go away, Jungwon gets a wave of deja vu. Like he's seen somewhere before. Like he'd been in the movie he's currently watching as his life.

-

Bedsheets, no clothes. Touch me like nobody else does.

The rays of the sun make their way through the open curtain, gold staining on tan skin. Jungwon blinks, trying to get used to the sudden light around them.

He feels the chest he's laying his head on rumble with laughter and he looks up, smiling at him. He looks so handsome in the light like this. But really, when does he never look good?

Jungwon groans as he turns on the bed, their naked legs tangling and rubbing against each other, the soreness from the night before hitting his back.

He remembers it all. The tentative way that he held him, their hands interlocked as he took him, made him feel heaven between his legs. The way his eyes shut and every time he opened them was met with the image that has been tattooed to the back of his eyelids.

He turns around in the man's hold so that they're not pressed back to chest, but Jungwon is on his stomach, looking up at the man, pressing his chin in between his pecs.

He smiles at Jungwon and Jungwon feels molten happiness seep through his heart. Like all the times he's smiled at him, this too doesn't change anything. This too only makes him feel something he can't be compared.

The man leans down, his nose bumping Jungwon's, as if to warn him of his next action. His lips peck Jungwon's softly. Once. Twice.

Then he's leaning even lower, his neck probably hurting from the angle but he still manages to kiss Jungwon deeply. He presses his lips on Jungwon's, makes sure Jungwon sighs when their lips meet and then he takes his chance, licking into his mouth, biting down on Jungwon's bottom lip.

Jungwon lets him. He lets him have his way. Lets his hands roam over his back, the telltale bite marks he'd left on his alabaster skin stinging when his hands brush over them.

Jungwon pushes himself up, trying to get seated on the man's lap while trying not to disconnect their lips.

He helps him, his large hands reaching behind Jungwon, holding up his bare butt, pulling him up into a sitting position on his lap, knees on either side of his thighs.

Jungwon sighs when their fronts meet, the memory of the previous hours making their way back to his mind. He relishes in the gentleness of the morning. Loves the way each touch isn't hurried but rather soft.

Fingers brushing his hair out of his face. It's grown so long already but he doesn't want to cut it because he knows he likes it. He knows it because he's running his hand in the softness of his hair, letting the strands come undone between his fingers.

Just like how Jungwon comes undone when he has his fingers inside him.

Lovely, to just lay here with you.

It doesn't progress to something more. They both don't let it. They slide back down until the man isn't sitting up anymore, laying on his back while Jungwon's chest presses against his chest.

Instead, Jungwon kisses him.

He kisses his lips. His nose. Kisses the lids of his eyes, the lashes brushing against his mouth and eliciting laughter from both of them.

He kisses the mole on his clavicle, another one on the one in his jaw. Jungwon somehow doesn't remember ever having a mole there. Kisses the back of his ear and relaxes in his hold when the man's hands wrap around his body and he kisses Jungwon's shoulder, leaving goosebumps in his wake.

They lay there, their hearts beating in sync over each other. They lay there, with Jungwon's head tucked under his chin, a hand squeezing his waist.

Jungwon smiles to himself, lifting his eyes once again to make sure that the man is really here, under him. He's scared that he may leave. But he doesn't say that.

He feels his chest instead. Traces patterns over his skin. Feels the steady thump of his heart.

Solid, real.

You're kinda cute and I, would say, all of this. But I don't wanna ruin the moment.

"What's wrong?" he asks, nudging Jungwon's nose with his chin, telling him to look at him when Jungwon tries to look away.

He can't say it. He can't tell him that he fears for the end of this when they're like this in the bed.

He shakes his head, burrows in the man's chest, hides from his prying eyes and questions with his hair. He doesn't want him to know that his heart isn't beating so fast like this because he's happy.

That it's fear that's running through his veins as the man kisses his forehead with a stretch, considering their position. So he doesn't. He keeps shut. Doesn't let him know what is bothering him.

If he doesn't say it, it's not real.

Lovely to sit between comfort, and chaos

His heart beats slower now, eyes trying to lull him back to sleep. He tries to fight against it, pulling the pillow to his chest inhaling the man's perfect scent.

It's deep and musky and it's everything he's wants all over his body. He sighs and sags into the sheets some more, listening to the sound of the man taking a shower, brushing his teeth.

He exits and throws on some clothes, knowing that Jungwon is watching. Doesn't attempt to give him a show as he pulls on his sweats and heads out to the kitchen, ignoring the very sight of Jungwon on the bed.

It stings. That's all it does.

Jungwon knows that's his way of giving him space. Of letting him take his time until he's okay to come out with it.

It works a lot of the time. But right now, all it does is sting.

Jungwon finds it sweet all of the time. But now, he just wants to be held.

Two feelings of his mind and heart, conflicted and conflicting his decisions.

But it's over. Then you're driving me home. And it kinda comes out, as I get up to go.

"I'm scared," he says, sitting in the car with his hands clasped on his knees.

It's been a silent ride, both of them giving each other the space they need. Basking in the silence that enveloped them.

Jungwon doesn't even know why he said it. He promised that he wouldn't. That he'd hold it in. But he guesses it's because it's him . It's because he makes everything with him so easy. He makes Jungwon feel like everything could be resolved by just talking it out.

And it can.

Because when they're done talking, he has his arms around Jungwon, rubbing his back, lips muttering comforting words into his skin, kissing his face.

"It's okay," he says and Jungwon nods.

He pulls back and cups the man's face, leaning in and closing the distance between their lips. He kisses him with the saltiness of his tears seeping between their open lips, the taste of the kiss bittersweet.

Much like what they have.

You kiss me in your car and it feels like the start of a movie I've seen before.

Jungwon calms down and relaxes into the seat, taking his phone with laughter in his voice as he unlocks the door and goes to open it.

He stops him, using his hand to turn his face towards him and he kisses Jungwon.

It's soft.

It's.. sad.

It feels like a goodbye kiss and Jungwon doesn't want to ask why it feels like that.

Doesn't want to question the faceless and nameless man in his arms. He lets the man kiss him again, over and over again. Until it feels like his head would burst with haziness.

His eyes slip close and he lets himself get kissed so deep that he doesn't know where he ends and where the man starts.

His eyes close and he doesn't remember to open them, content in drifting away to a place he's not visited before. A place so far away, he hadn't dreamt of seeing it.

-

But it's not real.

He's at the cafe, seated at his favorite seat because that's the seat that lets him imagine someone holding him close. He stares at the ceiling, watches it turn and rotate, the air not hitting his sweaty face.

It's his break and he's spending it by staring at his phone, waiting for a message that will never come. Or a call that will never go through.

He sighs and looks at the plate of chocolate croissant in front of him. It's dull and without color. Sunoo had baked it. It wasn't his best batch.

Jungwon looks at the untouched milkshake he'd made for himself. It's separating already from how long ago he made it, seated on the chair and not bothering to even take a sip out of it.

And you don't exist.

There isn't a hand caressing his cheek when he goes down the stairs and calls a cab to take him home.

No one kisses him when he arrives at his apartment. Instead his money kisses the hand of the driver as he thanks him and opens the door to leave.

There isn't a body laid out on the bed waiting for him to jump into their arms when he goes home.

His shoes are squelching with rain from having run out inside it to kiss his lips. Instead they're sticky and annoying because now his socks are damp and he hates the feeling of them.

He sits on his balcony, watching the cab pick up another person. His eyes blink away the tears that try to gather as he sees two lovers hugging and kissing against a car that doesn't strike familiarity into his chest.

A car that doesn't have all those details he's been looking for.

On the silk sheets he'd bought the last month for his sensitive skin, he lays alone, face first on the bed, head sinking into the soft pillow.

He traces mindless patterns on the bed, watching them disappear with every new stroke he makes.

His hand lays flat on the pillow next to his. Empty, void. Lifeless.

And I can't recall the last time I was kissed.

Jungwon traces his fingers over his lips, reminiscing of a moment in his life he doesn't remember, having another man's lips on his. The unfamiliar face smiling before they dive back down and kiss him some more, taking his breath with them as they do.

He traces over his cheeks, like someone would. Sighs when he realizes that there's no one kissing the apples of them.

He runs his own fingers through his hair, recalling a time in life when someone had their fingers on his. It's shorter now, not falling into his eyes anymore.

His brows furrow because his head starts to hurt. He can't remember. He can't see who it is that's touching him.

He can't remember who it is he was holding.

When the tears prickle at his eyes and then fall one after the other on the silk pillowcase, he lets them.

Because he doesn't know how to stop them. Doesn't know what to do to make them not fall. His hands lay limply on the pillow next to him.

He doesn't know who it is that used to wipe them away for him.

It hits me in the car…

He's on his way to work, seated behind the driver as a random song plays on the radio. He's tuned it out, staring outside the window where the sun shines down on him.

A hand isn't on his thigh, caressing it. There's no one that pokes his cheeks and asks for attention, mumbling something about not loving him enough.

This is how it's always been. This is how he always goes to work. This is his life. So why does it feel like something is missing? Why does it feel like this isn't the same day he's been living in all this while?

There should be someone's lips on his cheek, wishing him a good day. There was someone's eyes glinting with joy as they stared at his.

But he doesn't remember. Why doesn't he remember?

Maybe because they don't exist. Never did.

Jungwon doesn't know when he breaks down, crying silently as the tears fill his hands and his sobs drown out the song.

He doesn't know why he's crying. Why does it hurt so much?

He thinks he hears the driver asking him if he's okay but Jungwon doesn't answer him with his voice. He knows he nods even when his head feels heavy.

He knows he manages to give the man his money, probably more than he should, as he wipes his eyes with the sleeves of his shirt and he steps out of the car.

He hears Jungwon ask him if he's okay and he feels his lips tug into a smile.

"Why wouldn't I be?" He says, pulling on his apron and checking his face in the mirror to make sure he looks presentable as he heads to the counter, taking deep breaths in and out.

And it feels like the end of a movie I've seen..

He's looking out into the streets, watching the cars drive by, not bothering to stop and grab a fast breakfast. They drive past and fast, like they're headed to somewhere more important than having their stomachs filled.

Each car that passes by the front only makes Jungwon groan inside. Boring and dull.

That's when it stops. Pastel blue, chipped sides. A window rolled down. A hand opening the door, feet stepping out of the car and Jungwon could swear he's seen this scene before. He could swear he was in the scene.

Jungwon cocks his head to the side, watching the man with his head down walk in through the glass door of the cafe.

He sees him look around, as if looking for a perfect spot to sit. He's dressed in a trench coat, jeans on the inside and a turtleneck that hugs his thick neck.

Then he walks. Towards the seat. The cushioned corner seat where Jungwon spends his breaks.

The abandoned seat that barely had people because it doesn't fit the aesthetic of the cafe. The owner having kept it for God knows what.

He sits and Jungwon stares.

He sits and picks up the menu, looking through it and making up his mind without much ado.

Jungwon has to shake himself out of his reverie to walk up to the man's seat with his notepad and pen, asking in a polite voice what he'd like to order.

He looks up at Jungwon, eyes bright. He smiles and Jungwon swears he's seen that very same smile somewhere in his mind. He speaks and Jungwon swears he has heard that voice before.

But he hasn't.

"One strawberry cream milkshake and a chocolate croissant," the man says easily.

Jungwon nods, even though his hands aren't working and they're not writing down the order.

But he doesn't need to. Because he's heard this order before. He knows it like he knows the back of his hand.

He walks back to the kitchen, making the milkshake, grabbing the croissant. Today's batch is golden. A perfect hue that brightens up the cafe. The chocolate is oozing out through the sides and Jungwon wants to sink his teeth inside it. Have a taste for himself.

He takes the tray back to the man and stands behind the register, attending to other customers.

… before

The man walks up to him. Jungwon sees him nervously ask for his name even though he can read the tag just fine. He tells him and the man nods to himself, as if satisfied with the answer he got.

"Here," the man says, handing Jungwon his credit card to pay for his order. His smile is so warm.

Jungwon swipes his card and hands it back to him, the man taking it slowly from him.

"Have we met before?" He asks with a tilt of his head and Jungwon feels the stress lines wash off of his face. "I feel like I've seen you."

His heart picks a beat and Jungwon shakes his head. Everything about this man is familiar. So why doesn't he remember?

"No?" He says, he really doesn't know.

"Well, we've met now," the man chuckles and Jungwon tilts his head, confused some more. "I'm Sunghoon,"

He stretches his hand towards Jungwon and smiles wide, friendly. Jungwon reaches out and their hands brush as he closes his palm around his.

Suddenly, he can place a name and a face to the hands that touched him. He can feel those lips that kiss their way down his body.

All of a sudden, he remembers.