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Like sailors look to the stars to find their way home,
I’m learning to breathe on my own.
Learning To Breathe, Nerina Pallot
*
Maya checks her watch as she rights herself from her stretch. She scans the car park again, wondering if she’d missed Andy arrive whilst she’d been warming up a little.
Her watch reads 9.04am and she shrugs off the instinct to be irritated at Andy’s tardiness. They’re going for a casual hike, there’s no goal, no time limit, no need to be pressed for time. Instead of worrying about being late setting off on the circuit, she rolls her shoulders and dips her head into the trunk of her Jeep to check she has everything she’ll need in her day sak.
When Andy arrives, she is kitted out similarly to Maya, in running leggings, hiking boots and a light jacket. Day sak clutched in her hand, she jogs across the car park to Maya’s car.
“Sorry I’m late,” she offers breathlessly.
Maya shrugs. “It’s fine, there’s no rush.” She reassures with confidence in her tone.
She makes sure the cap on her sunscreen is closed properly and throws it in her bag with everything else before zipping it up. She shrugs the bag on her back and clips the buckles around her waist and chest.
Andy jokes, “who are you and what have you done with Maya?”
Maya rolls her eyes. “Hey! I’m growing remember?”
Andy smirks, not unkindly and shoulders her own bag as Maya closes the trunk and locks the car. Wordlessly the pair head out of the parking lot and towards the log steps for the initial 200 foot climb to the start of the trail.
They walk in single file, quietly for the first little while as the trail levels out in front of them. Maya lets Andy take the lead, and she follows and they meander in comfortable silence.
Maya’s glad to be out in the open air, happy to be doing something productive on her last day before starting back at work. She’s quietly anxious about her return and so had opted for a hike in order to stretch her muscles and work through some of her surplus adrenaline; all framed within her new mindfully structured day to day.
She’d invited Andy, knowing her friend had the day off before her next 24 hours on shift. They’d been getting together at least once a week since Maya had been in the hospital. She’s been grateful for the quiet support of her friend, who has respected Maya’s need for privacy and discretion, but has also maintained a solid presence as Maya has battled her way back from the depths of her despair.
Maya quickens her pace so they’re walking side by side. Andy glances her way with a smile, sunglasses covering her eyes.
“So how are things? How are you feeling about tomorrow?” Andy asks her.
Maya shrugs. “Fine. I’m fine. Things are good.”
She doesn’t need to see Andy’s eyes to know she’s rolled them at her.
“I really am fine. I’ve been doing my sessions with Diane, I’ve been working on the coping techniques with her. I’ve been working through some of my crap that’s affected my marriage…” She trails off, and looks ahead, watches the break in the trees before them as they hit the mile mark and the rugged landscape seems to grow before her eyes as they hit the talus slope.
“And how are things with Carina?” Andy prods with a short glance, focussed on watching her step.
Maya shakes her head. “I haven’t seen her really. Have you?”
Andy nods, “once or twice at the station for clinic days…and…”
“And what?” Maya jumps on her friends hesitation.
Andy looks over at her, as they make their way up the path of their main descent. “And she’s text me a little, to check on you.”
Maya doesn’t say anything but she watches her friend. She's a little surprised by the confession and her heart rate ticks up in reaction to the fact that Carina has been in contact with Andy but not her. Her palms feel sweaty and it’s not because of the exertion.
In her head, Maya starts to think of five things she can see. The fir trees that line the hiking path, the jagged hills with snow capped peaks, the reflector hooked onto the zipper of Andy’s backpack that keeps catching the light, the dragonfly that darts in and out of the brush and the lace of her hiking boot that taps rhymically as she walks.
She manages to ground herself quickly and clears her throat. “What- what does she want to know?”
The pause between threads of conversation is filled with the crunch of the trail underfoot and Maya tries to embrace it and not rebel against it. She’s here to be intentional, and active, in a mindful way. The sights and sounds are the cornerstone to this experience and she doesn’t want her anxiety and uncertainty to best her out of experiencing it.
Eventually Andy responds, like it’s taken her a minute to decide how she wants to answer. “Carina was worried, when she left you at the hospital…” Andy says gently. “She knew she had to leave, but she didn’t want to leave. So when I came to sit with you, I kept her updated. After that…she might not be ready to talk to you yet, Maya, but she knows I’ve been seeing you and she’s been checking in. She wants to know how you are, even if she’s not ready to ask you herself yet.”
Maya doesn’t say anything in response. She concentrates on the rhythmic beat of her footfall on the trail. The crunch of slate underfoot. She looks up and around her, acknowledges that her heart rate has increased again, but this time it due to the assertion of their ascent. She doesn’t spiral, and recognises that in her too; mentally she pats herself on the back.
It’s okay that Carina isn’t ready to talk to her yet, carina is entitled to her space, she’s entitled to heal in her own way and in her own time .
As they reach the saddle above Snow Lake, they stop a minute to catch a breath and have a drink. They take in the unassuming view they’re afforded from this angle. Rock face and the shore line of the lake.
“Have you hiked this trail before?” Andy asks as she wipes her mouth on her sleeve after a long drink from her water bottle.
Maya nods, “yeah, the views are nothing here. We need to carry on another couple miles to Chair Peak to really get the full experience.
Andy caps her water bottle and nods in agreement. She checks Maya is ready, before they set off again.
“Thanks for inviting me.” Andy says, out of the blue a couple of minutes later.
“Sure.” Maya shrugs it off. “I appreciate the company. I just wanted to get a good walk in before shift tomorrow since -“ She stops talking abruptly, hoping Andy won’t notice. She hadn’t meant to venture into talking about her running, not feeling quite ready yet.
Of course her friend catches it and Maya sees her eyebrow raise above her sunglasses in question. “Since what?”
Maya sighs, “it’s not a big deal.” She rubs at the back of her neck. “I…I haven’t been running. Since the accident. I haven’t worked up to that yet, or figured out how I can strike a healthy balance. So I walk. Or I hike. Endorphins, excercise. But without the competition or the…expectation.”
Andy must recognise her discomfort at sharing, and she reaches over and gives Maya’s shoulder a supportive squeeze.
“Well, I’m happy to get to come along today.” She offers.
They fall into silence for a little while after, concentrating on the path they’re walking as they make the descent down to the inlet by the lake. When they reach the shore, they take a short side trail that takes them past a rickety, old, cabin.
They circle the run down relic, and Maya runs her hand over the old logs that still stand. Allows the feel of it under her hand to keep her grounded so she can appreciate the artifact before her that boasts of a time when this shore line would have been private land. They crunch over the gravelly sand down to the lake side and Maya marvels that this lake was once someone's front yard.
They both sit on the lake shore for a few minutes for a rest. They take refreshing pulls at their water bottles and Maya pulls out a bag of trail mix from her bag and they sit in companionable silence picking at the snack.
“How are things at the Station?” Maya finally works up the courage to ask.
Andy glances over at her and pulls her sunglasses up to sit on her head.
She shrugs, “they’re okay, Beckett has planned some team building, training thing tomorrow. I suspect to try and work on morale, because it’s been low.”
Maya snorts without thinking, and then quickly checks herself. She’s trying to move beyond her grudge with Captain Beckett. She can’t control the actions of anyone else, but she can control her own response to things.
Andy continues, “it’s timed pretty shitty really, for your return I mean. We’re going to be out most of the shift on your first day back.” She says with a grimace.
Maya shrugs. “It’s fine. I guess it gives me a chance to ease in without the full glare of everyone watching if I’m about to lose it at any given moment.” She says, self deprecatingly.
Andy bumps her shoulder with her own. “No one is thinking that, we’re all glad you’ll be back.”
“Okay. Sure.” Maya says. She’s working hard on acceptance, but these things take time. She can’t deny she’s anxious about returning to work tomorrow. She can’t deny she’s worried about what people think of her. Progress and growth take time, after all.
They spend a few more minutes at the lake shore. Maya skips a few stones, and they chat amiably to other hikers that stop there to admire the view of Rosevelt Peak standing out at the head of the lake. After a while they decide to press on. Maya promised Andy that the main view is so worth it.
They rejoin the trail where they forge ahead until they have to cross a small inlet, balancing carefully as they walk across the fallen log as a bridge. They continue on another half a mile or so, only exchanging odd words here or there. Enjoying the peace of the wilderness around them. As they reach the outlets of lake, Andy gasps as she peers down into the depths of water in the lake. The view is gorgeous and Maya feels a sense of satisfaction at being able to gift this to her friend, even if it benefitted her as well to have the company.
“A little further,” Maya tells her, “and we’ll hit the lakeshore. It’s incredible.”
As they continue down the trail to the lakeshore Maya ponders what she should do about her situation with Carina. She’s watching her step and doesn’t really even register that she’s spoken aloud until she hears her own voice cut through the silence.
“What do you think I should do about Carina?”
Andy glances at her over her shoulder. “How did you leave things?”
Maya shrugs. “She came by the apartment, said she needs space. I tried to tell her that I’m working on things, but she didn’t want to hear it…or wasn’t ready to hear it yet.” She explains.
Andy is quiet for a few minutes and Maya can’t stand it so she fills in the silence. “She thinks I’m just working with Diane because it’s mandated for work. She thinks I’m doing it as a tick box exercise.”
“And, are you?” Andy gently provokes.
“No!” Maya cries. Indignant. “You know I’ve been trying. And it’s about more than work. I’m trying to be healthy. Generally.”
Andy smiles. “Hey, I believe you.” She placates. “Thing is, how does Carina know that?”
Maya feels her hackles rise. It’s unintentional and she’s so much more aware of her body's response to her emotions now than she ever has been before. But that edge of defensiveness creeps in unbidden, even as she desperately tries to hold it back.
“Well, it’s difficult to tell her when she won’t talk to me.” She bites.
She hears Andy sigh. “I get that.” She says, “but if she needs time to work through what happened, that’s understandable.”
“I don’t disagree.” Maya says.
“Maybe the thing is,” Andy starts to venture. “Words are easy to say. You’ve been saying a lot of words over the last year whilst things have been spiralling. Maybe what you need is to show her through action that things are different now.”
Maya doesn’t respond and they fall back into silence as they continue on the trail to Chair Peak. Maya smiles to herself as she hears a gasp from Andy as they walk and the full majesty of the view is revealed to them, coaxed from between the trees and rock face.
“Oh, wow.” Andy says, of the sheer cliffs that rise from the distant Lake shore.
“It’s something right?” Maya nods and smiles at the delight her friend is experiencing of the stunning view.
“I can’t believe I'd have just stopped and hiked back at the other point just before.” Andy exclaims.
“I know. There are more lakes up ahead a ways.” Maya tells her, “but I think it might get a little late for that. But I wanted you to see this.”
The pair sit out on the huge rocks that line the shore. Maya lays her jacket behind her and manages to find a comfy-ish lounging spot to admire the deep, clear water and the stark reflection of the mountains.
Andy passes her a cup of coffee from a flask and they sip in amiable quiet for a few minutes.
Maya blows on her coffee, mulling over Andy’s words about showing Carina through actions. She wonders how she might best do that, when Carina clearly has put such reinforced walls up to protect herself. Maya gets it. It’s self-preservation 101. But she also knows, it’s going to make her life that bit more challenging as she tries to convince Carina to let her back in and trust her.
“Did I ever tell you that Carina brought me Lasagne to work after we first hooked up?” Maya asks Andy.
Andy looks over and shakes her head from her vantage on a near by rock. “No, actually, I don’t know much about your early beginnings.”
Maya smiles and nods, let’s the allusion to their turbulent relationship during her early captaincy pass. Water under the bridge now. She thinks.
“Yeah, we’d been talking for a few weeks, had a coffee together here and there. Then when we eventually hooked up, the next day, she brought me some home-made lasagne.” She smiles at the memory. “I had walls up that were reinforced in steel - didn’t want to think that we might be crossing over into relationship territory at that point.”
“Monogamy is for the weak.” Andy chuckles.
“Exactly.” Maya smiles too at her friend. She stares into the depths of the lake in front of her. Draws her knees up and wraps her arms around them. Curling in on herself. “Carina made it her business to give me the opportunity to lower my defences to get to know her and to allow her to get to know me. And she did it with food.”
Next to her, Andy starts to unlace her shoes and pull them and her socks off. She rolls the bottom of her pants up, and gingerly crosses over to the water, intent on dipping her toes in the freezing water.
She gasps at the cold and Maya watches on. She mulls over where things stand with Carina and what she can possibly to to try and encourage her to trust Maya again.
As if reading her mind, Andy says, “what do you think you need? You and Carina. To move past this?”
“We need a reset.” She starts. “No, not a reset. I love her and I love our marriage, I don’t want to erase it…”
“But?”
“I’m learning to get to know this version of me. I guess, I really hope that she’ll get to a place where she wants to get to know this new version of me too.” Maya says, looking away, embarrassed at her vulnerability.
An idea starts to percolate in her mind. “I need to show her that I’m making it my business to give her the opportunity to lower her walls and to get to know me, and for me to get to know her.” She elaborates.
“That sounds cryptic, but I like it.” Andy says as she plops back down beside Maya. “Fuck, that water is cold!” She says, and Maya laughs.
Maya leans back and let’s her eyes wander from the snow capped peaks out in the distance, across the meandering waterfalls that snake their way down to sheltered coves across the water from them. She breathes deeply, closes her eyes and lets her newly formed plan soothe her into a sense of lightness that she doesn’t think she’s ever experienced before in her adult life.
Fin .