Chapter Text
On most nights like these, there would be nothing of note in the Shiota household. Nagisa and his mother, Shiota Hiromi, would eat together at the family table, idly chatting about her co-workers and how they could never listen and perfectly execute whatever she commanded them to do.
“I just don’t understand how incompetent they can be!” she would say before taking another bite of rice. Nagisa would just mindlessly nod and agree, lest she went dark and couldn’t come back from it.
It was times like these where he wished everything would just stop . Instead, everything kept moving forward. “You know, Nagisa…” He shifted his gaze to his mother and froze. He knew there was no going back from this now. She became dark.
“One of my co-workers showed me a pretty dress at the store yesterday! She told me that she bought it for her daughter the other day for a family social.” It didn’t take a genius to know what Hiromi was trying to get at. “To be honest, it looked okay on her daughter, but I know it will look even better on my precious Nagisa!”
His muscles tensed hearing those words. He would give anything if it meant never wearing a dress or a skirt again. “I actually have the dress in my room right now! After we finish dinner, you can try it on for me!”
Nagisa’s eyes blankly stared at his rice. Maybe she would back off if I made dinner last the whole night. I’d have a chance to not deal with her stupidity for once. He was stuck in his train-of-thought, thinking back on other moments when he was forcibly cross-dressed. There was that time his mother was ranting about walking past a dress store, and that time she happened to come across a vlogger who talked about cute dresses and skirts she came across, and the time when she saw a friend on social media selling a cute light blue dress…
Were he to be honest, there would be too many moments like these to count during the past few years in the Shiota household. It left Nagisa with school as an escape from being perceived as a girl from his mother. And although Nagisa would say he felt freer at school, it would be a lie to say he was completely free.
Nakamura Rio and Akabane Karma. Two shackles forcibly chaining a girl’s uniform onto himself, leaving no escape route in sight. Kayano and Sugino gave him concerned looks whenever Nagisa would walk over to them, eyes glued to the floor, after Karma and Nakamura pulled another “prank” like that.
And although those moments were few and not that often, he would always shoot back the same response: “I don’t really mind the teasing from those two! Honestly!” It was the largest bold-face lie he could tell them. Nakamura’s antics made him internally stressed, but he always suppressed those emotions, especially for Karma’s sake.
Even he didn’t understand why his reaction to their shenanigans differed depending on who was the one who did it to him. Whenever it was Karma messing around with him, it caused an indescribable feeling to arise inside of him. Was it embarrassment? Well, he felt embarrassed in dresses and skirts, full stop . However, it wasn’t entirely that. Was he okay with Karma teasing him? He answered himself strangely, both a ‘yes’ and a ‘no’.
Over the course of a few weeks, though, his reactions to the two caught them off-guard. Nagisa had stopped trying to fight them, instead just giving a slow sigh and surrendering, not even bothering to pick a fight. While Nakamura used it as an opportunity to get away with more, it made Karma hesitate.
That reaction was so oddly… normal. Or at least it gave off the impression to Karma that Nagisa has done those exact same actions before. The smile on Nagisa’s face sent chills down his spine. He looked at his best friend in shock, unconsciously dropping the maid outfit he was holding and dragged Nakamura away from him. Both Nagisa and Nakamura were confused, to say the least. But ever since then, the two of them haven’t tried to do anything like that since, which was honestly refreshing for Nagisa.
A few weeks after the two stopped, Karma caught Nagisa before he could leave at the end of the day and asked whether he wanted to walk home together. His reaction? He flinched. Karma cursed himself in his head, ready to beat himself up for that reaction, even if it was an understandable one. But he knew he should take the chance to try and make it up to Nagisa. An apology would be better now than later. Akabane Karma, apologizing? Nagisa has definitely messed with his head a lot.
“Uhh, sure Karma! But, it’s been a while since we walked home together, so you might’ve forgotten where my house is!” I never forgot, Nagisa. “Then I guess you’ll have to show me the way again.” he said with a smirk. As the two were walking down the mountain, Karma stopped suddenly, looking around to see if any other students (as well as a certain yellow octopus) were around.
Nagisa stopped as soon as he noticed Karma wasn’t at his side anymore, looking back at the bewildering sight of Karma looking around him, with his shoulders tensed and his arms pressed against his sides. “Karma? What’s wrong?” The copper eyes fell on the one asking.
Karma sighed, shifting his face down before looking back up at him. Without saying anything, Karma just walked up to him, causing Nagisa to tense up. Did he ask me to walk with him just so he could do something to me out here?! And while he was mentally bracing himself for impact, all he felt were arms wrapping around his back.
For a few seconds, Nagisa was stunned. He honestly couldn’t believe what was happening to him. What Karma of all people was doing. Karma wasn’t one that typically liked physical affection, his way of showing love usually being beating you up with witty remarks and poking fun at you for getting the smallest thing wrong. So, when Nagisa felt Karma’s arms wrapping around him and his head falling onto his shoulder, his eyes widened in shock before looking at the red hair resting on him.
“K-Karma-? What’s wrong?” All that Karma could say was his name, over and over. “Nagisa… Nagisa, forgive me…” It shook Nagisa to his core. Something definitely happened to him since this was just so out-of-character for him to be like. Karma was definitely not the type to ask for someone’s forgiveness, usually giving them a few extra punches to the face for good measure.
“Nagisa…” “Nagisa!”
He snapped back to reality, forgetting that he was at the dinner table. “Nagisa, my dear, you were just staring at your rice for a while. Is something wrong with it? Are you calling me a bad cook?! A bad mother?!” Shoot.
“Huh? No, mother! I would never! Your cooking is delicious and no one could find anything else like it throughout all of Japan!” A bit extra, yes, but if his mom was going to give him an extra reaction like that, he would return the favor. “I was just thinking about something.”
“Well, if it isn’t about the dress that my baby is going to look so beautiful in, I don’t want to hear about it!” Well, he tried. The pair finished dinner and went straight to Hiromi’s room. A breeze of cold air leaped across Nagisa’s skin as the closet door was opened, revealing the very dress that his mother had been talking about during dinner.
He was surprised that his mother hadn’t completely burned his wardrobe by now.
As his mother ran her fingers over her daughter’s son’s body, nothing but constant chills were sent down Nagisa’s spine. Everything made him uncomfortable. The dress fabric was what caused Nagisa to discover that he had a sensory clothing issue. Well, at least to all of the dresses his mother would buy for him. His hips burned at the touch of the dress. Any semblance of Nagisa withered away, disintegrating with each caressing of the arm. And hands. And chest…
“Isn’t this fun, dear? Spending quality mother-daughter time trying on the prettiest dresses your mother could find?” Nagisa could only blankly stare and give a fake grin to his mother, “Yes, mother. I do enjoy this time a lot.” He could definitely teach a class about acting one day with these skills.
The time was now midnight, and Hiromi was getting tired. She sent Nagisa off to his room for the night and fell soundly asleep, ready to wake the next morning to pounce on her co-workers for the same minute details all over again. But for Nagisa, it left him in a frenzied state.
He was shaking, shivering. But the room wasn’t cold at all. He mindlessly rubbed his palms against his arms, shivering even more as he remembered the exact places where his mother touched him. His eyes swelled while he was desperately fighting against letting those tears shed.
Although he sat there, leaning against his door, frozen for what were just a few minutes, it felt like whole eternities were passing by him. Looking at his window, he realized there was no way he could hold all of this in anymore. He just couldn’t live like this anymore, constantly feminized when he wanted her to acknowledge that her son wanted to live life his way.
He stared at the permanent crescent moon, firmly making the decision to himself that he was going to open up about this to Koro-sensei someday. But today was not that day. Getting up from his door, he grabbed his phone to glance through what he missed from those few hours.
Looking at his homescreen, he felt like there was only one person he could call about something like this. The photo of his group from their trip to Kyoto illuminated his face, causing his eyes to scrunch up a bit while he adjusted the brightness. Kanzaki-san wasn’t someone he was really close to, and besides, even if he could talk to her at this moment, he knew that if Sugino found out the two were talking about something late at night, he’d bring up how Nagisa was breaking the best friends pact.
Admittedly, Nagisa thought it was a little silly that Sugino would make him agree that they wouldn’t go for each other’s crushes, but he knew this was something the poor guy was a little insecure over, so he complied. After all, he wouldn’t want his best friend moping around and acting like all hope was lost. And he was grateful for him, Sugino had been his closest friend ever since they both met each other on the first day of their third year. Up until that time, he just didn’t have anyone . Well, at least for a certain period of time. But, he never talked about this issue with Sugino, and he still wouldn’t know how he would react if he came clean about this to him.
Okuda-san was also someone Nagisa was a bit distant with, just seeing her as another classmate that he could get along with well. And Kayano… it wasn’t as much as he didn’t trust her with something like this, but rather there was someone else that he would rather talk to about all this.
That incident of Karma pulling Nagisa in for a tight hug left a huge impression on him, leaving him wondering what it was that prompted him to react in that way. He’d never seen Karma so… apologetic and vulnerable before. Knowing how his ego would be shattered if he ever told anyone, despite Karma not explicitly telling Nagisa to not tell anyone what happened between the two of them, Nagisa didn’t say a word about it to anyone else.
There were times when he caught the redhead glancing at him only for him to quickly look away toward something or someone else, trying to casually play it off. Nagisa might not have been the smartest person in Class 3-E, but he certainly wasn’t the dumbest. One thing he did know was that his behavior was related somehow to that incident where he and Nakamura tried to get him into a dress. Karma had just pulled her away, leaving the maid outfit behind, never to be touched by him again. (I mean, seriously, Koro-sensei ended up keeping it in the gym closet for safe-keeping.)
He felt that Karma knew something or was at the very least suspicious. No, not suspicious. More like… worried. And Nagisa knew it wasn’t right for him to keep something like this a secret from Karma if he’s felt this worried all this time. But even then, how could he be sure that whatever emotion he saw in Karma’s eyes was worry?
Could he even fully trust Karma to listen and be there? He thought back on that instance he had with Karma after class as they were walking home together. He never once talked about that incident ever again, pretending as if it never happened, which struck a chord in Nagisa. One time, as they were walking down the mountain, Nagisa was the one to stop with Karma stopping shortly after.
“Karma, come on. What’s happening? Why did you… hug me tightly and… keep saying my name over and over again?” So, he’s going to be blunt about it , Karma thought. “Aww, come on, can’t a guy be concerned about his old friend?” he said with a smirk and a wink. Nagisa was unamused, to say the least. That kind of reaction screamed Karma disguising himself as Karma, as weird as it sounded.
After some time, he took the chance and called him. At 1:42am . At least there wasn’t anything important at school later that day, so it wasn’t like he’d end up sleeping in on something that would give his mom something to yell at him over for the umpteenth time . A singular second had passed when Nagisa heard him on the other end of the line.
“Nagisa? What’s wrong?” He could tell Karma’s voice was groggy, but there wasn’t any indication that he woke him up. Karma must’ve stayed up that night or not been able to fall asleep, and when Nagisa realized that, it worried him. What could cause Karma of all people to not be able to fall asleep?
》──────────《
Nothing really caused Karma to act like this. It even caught him by surprise whenever he caught himself acting like this. Why was he so worried about Nagisa all of a sudden? Ever since that incident behind the bush with the two of them and Nakamura, he couldn’t shake Nagisa off of his mind. After all, it was almost like Nagisa was forcing himself into his mind.
He had eaten lunch with Nagisa’s friend group for a long while now, as per Nagisa’s request after he noticed that Karma was always sipping strawberry milk under a tree by himself. “Karma, I know you like keeping to yourself a lot, but why don’t you try having lunch with us for a change?” He looked up at the cheerful azure eyes and shrugged. “Ah, alright then. If you want me to, then I guess I have no choice.” he said with a defeated smile.
That choice of words could’ve been better, and he was sure Nagisa got caught by surprise as well, but he couldn’t take them back now. “Great!” The enthusiasm in Nagisa’s voice made Karma stop for a moment. He honestly couldn’t understand why he would want him to be there with him.
He remembered first seeing him when they got to Kunugigaoka Junior High. No other student in D-Class really caught his eye as much as Nagisa did. He always thought it peculiar that Nagisa would want to wear his blue hair down, but it didn’t bother him that much. Of course, with Karma being Karma, it would be unlike him to just approach someone and ask them to become friends or hang out, so he was left with his curiosity and wishes for the first two months of their first year.
He walked into the bookstore on a random Sunday, not having any expectations outside of finding the latest updates related to his favorite director, Nazzoni. He was able to keep up an outward don’t-mess-with-me type of attitude, but he couldn’t control himself when it came to his favorite movie director.
While browsing the shelves, he caught that same blue-haired boy with a magazine in his hand and could make out a single word: Nazzoni. “Woah, Nazzoni directed Sonic Ninja ? That’s awesome!” He shifted his gaze to the now-surprised Nagisa, and realizing his uncontrolled excitement, he thought it was too late to opt out now.
“Want to go see it, Shiota?” Karma really couldn’t hold in his excitement, forgetting that he was practically showing Nagisa the side of him that no one else in the class ever got to see. “Uhm, yeah!” Karma was elated. Ever since then, he took any opportunity he saw to be around his new friend, hanging out whenever and wherever. Of course, he was still Karma , so there was a good chance Nagisa would end up passively observing Karma on the side while he was beating his fists into someone’s brains.
“Oh come on, Nagisa, there’s no one around here to see us! Me doing this isn’t that much of an issue when there’s no one around to see it!” he said with a smirk. “And even then, people know better than to mess with me!” Nagisa rolled his eyes and grinned, amused at Karma’s attitude. It was an odd sight for an outsider to see, two junior-highers laughing with each other, casually talking about how one could knock people unconscious with one punch while the other couldn’t leave a scratch.
“What, me ? Fight?” Nagisa nervously chuckled while he was cleaning up the wounds of two of Karma’s victims. “I probably wouldn’t be able to, honestly. Maybe if it was a matter of life and death, I could!” After the unconscious guys on the ground were taken care of, the pair continued strolling around the city.
Karma always felt something that couldn’t be described with words whenever he was around Nagisa. And whenever he dropped him home, he always sensed something eerie about the place. He could never put his finger on what it was about Nagisa’s home that freaked him out so much, nor could he openly express his concerns to Nagisa, usually ending up giving him an uneven grin as he walked indoors.
It constantly made him frustrated. Not being able to figure out what it was that made him so concerned about Nagisa. What is it about that damn house that freaks me out so much?! A shout from the distance snaps him back to reality. “Look! The E-Class freak wants us to help him with his studies!” Without a second thought, Karma’s fists curled up and wham , he got into another fight.
Needless to say, doing things without a second thought rarely left him with second chances. After reading the strongly-worded text his parents sent him (they really couldn’t even bother with a call?), he was left alone in his house with only his gaming console and thoughts to occupy his time. He would’ve invited Nagisa over to spend some time, but he knew that everyone would’ve heard of how he got suspended, and maybe Nagisa would end up backing off from him.
If Karma was going to be honest with himself, he still couldn’t believe someone like Nagisa would willingly be friends with him, especially with everything he’s seen him do so far. It surprised him. And it freaked him out.
Ping. Ping. Ping. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket while he was just sitting on his bed. He knew it was Nagisa, but he couldn’t bring himself to talk to him like nothing had happened. Even if he was probably asking if he was okay after hearing the likely rumors that spread.
And with that, Karma forced himself to distance himself from Nagisa, even if it hurt him deep down. And even if it would hurt Nagisa too. He couldn’t let Nagisa ruin himself by associating himself with him. All Karma could do at that point was sink into himself, laying emotionally dead on his futon.
It's been a year since that happened. Now, he’s laying on that same futon, but this time around, since life has presented him with a second chance, he would take it. “Nagisa? What’s wrong?” he worriedly asked Nagisa, with just a hint of grogginess in his voice. His eyes shot wide open as he heard muffled cries from the other end of the line.
“Hey, do you want me to come pick you up?” He made sure to ask him as gently as he could. He’ll save a certain choice of words for his witch of a mother. “Y-Yeah, if you could…” Nagisa quavered in his response. Without a second thought, Karma grabbed black joggers and put on a hoodie, also grabbing an extra one in case Nagisa would feel cold while they were walking. It apparently didn’t cross his mind that Nagisa would have a hoodie of his own, but that didn’t concern him at the moment.
“I’m coming, Nagisa. I’ll be there soon.”