Work Text:
The right side of the boy’s face lay against the cold dusty ground of the warehouse. A knee dug into his back and his arm was pinned behind him.
“How many times do we have to do this before that ability of yours finally becomes reliable?”
He felt a hand grab onto his ring and pinky finger, and they were pulled backwards. He winced.
“Next time, if you can’t activate your useless ability soon enough, I’m breaking both of these fingers.”
The knee dug in harder, and he felt his hair violently pulled backwards until he was able to look up into his mentor’s eyes, who leered at him maliciously.
“Do you understand, Akutagawa?”
Akutagawa’s eyes snapped open. He quickly sat up in bed, realizing he was covered in sweat.
Shit, I’m going to be late to training.
No. He wasn’t. He’d never have to worry about being late to training again, as he no longer had a mentor to train him.
He looked down at his hands. He was shaking all over.
Pathetic.
The sixteen-year-old got out of bed and went over to the restroom in his apartment he shared with his younger sister. She was already in there, getting ready for the day. This irritated him. He liked being with his sister, but sometimes he needed more privacy than he got.
“Sorry, I’ll be out soon.”
She looked over at him and her eyes grew concerned.
“Ryuu? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” he snapped.
Her look of concern remained, but she didn’t inquire further as to not anger her brother. She quietly left the restroom and Akutagawa closed the door.
He went over to the sink and washed his face. He looked into the mirror, meeting the dark gaze of his reflection. He backed up, enough that he could get a better look at himself. He was small and frail and sickly, hardly the physique and constitution an ordinary mafia would want from its members. If it weren’t for his ability, he wouldn’t have lasted a single second in the organization. He felt a sudden twinge of pain in his side. He raised his shirt. Sure enough, all the bruises that covered his torso, although faded, still remained, even though the person who left them there had disappeared. Akutagawa needed to stare at them sometimes, to remember it wasn’t just a dream. He had really had a master. He had been brought to salvation from his wretched life in the slums. He had trained and fought to become stronger. He had been given a reason to live.
He threw you away.
Akutagawa grabbed onto the edge of the sink counter, squeezing as hard as he could. He stared at his reflection, full of rage and despair. Those words had been spitting in his ear repeatedly as of late.
He threw you away.
He threw you away.
He threw you away.
The boy pushed off of the counter and turned around so he wasn’t staring at his reflection anymore. He couldn’t bear to look at himself. He was small and weak and useless, no wonder Dazai had-
He fell to the ground and covered his ears, hoping it would stop the words from coming again, but they had already buried their way deep into his head.
He threw you away.
He clasped his fingers tightly around his arms, hard enough to leave bruises.
There was a light knocking on the door.
“What?” he snapped.
“I’m headed out now. I’ll see you later.”
He got up and opened the door so he could see his sister.
“Okay, bye.”
She smiled weakly and turned to leave.
He was relieved she was gone. She had been worrying about him too much lately. She tried not to show it because she knew it would only make him angry, but she was more quiet around him than usual, and her eyes looked sad. He had never let her take care of him. He was the older brother. It was his job to look after her, to protect her. It didn’t matter how battered he was coming home after training or a mission, it wasn’t her problem to deal with. He wouldn’t allow that.
He finished his own morning routine and got ready to head out. He stopped in front of the coat rack where his dark overcoat was hanging. He pulled it off and held onto it tightly, hugging it. He could still remember the warmth he had felt that night when Dazai had put this coat around his shoulders, the bright moonlight illuminating his savior who smiled at him. What an utter disappointment Akutagawa had been to him. He felt sick as he put on the coat. He had not earned the right to wear it, but it was his only memento left to him, so he selfishly continued to wear it.
After he first joined the Port Mafia, just for a short while, Akutagawa felt happiness. He felt hope. He remembered that night Dazai brought him and his sister, Gin, to their new home. He couldn't believe his eyes. It wasn’t some incredibly lavish apartment, but it was nice. Warmth, bedding, a fridge, a bathroom… all these things actually functioned and they were being provided to them when they hadn’t even done anything yet.
“I explained your situation to Mori. He said I could go ahead and set this place up for you. Don’t worry about paying anything right now, you can just start paying back once you get on your feet. Don’t worry about money. Do your jobs, and you’ll be treated well here.”
They had already made plans for their lives in the mafia. Gin was to train in assassination, and Akutagawa was to be placed under Dazai’s command. This made him happy. Maybe he’d be able to pay back his debt to Dazai this way, to thank him for being saved from his squalor. Akutagawa genuinely enjoyed spending time with Dazai in the beginning. Dazai was goofy and ridiculous, and loved to mess with people, be it Akutagawa or even the boss, Mori. He found it endlessly amusing to tease and dote on Gin. Everything felt happy and safe.
His training began, and reality hit him. He wasn’t in paradise. He was in a dangerous underground society that could easily break him. Dazai made sure he remembered that.
“Let me see what your ability can do. Come at me with everything.”
Akutagawa hesitated. After all, he didn’t want to hurt his mentor.
“Don’t worry, you can’t hurt me. Don’t hold back.”
Akutagawa didn’t hold back. Multiple strands of fabric shot out of his coat, now turned into razor sharp blades. They headed straight towards Dazai. Dazai just stood there and held out his hand. The boy’s heart almost stopped. He wasn’t going to evade? He would die.
The fabric dissipated as soon as it touched his hand. Akutagawa stepped back and gasped. Dazai walked over to him as if nothing happened. He raised his hand and struck Akutagawa across the face, knocking him to the ground.
Akutagawa was shocked for a second, but then he was brought back to reality. This was to be expected. Dazai had told him he wouldn’t go easy on him. This was all part of his training to toughen him up. The boy smiled and stood back up. He attacked again, but only for the same result. He was kicked in the stomach this time.
“Why aren’t my attacks landing…”
“It’s my ability. It nullifies yours. You’ll never be able to land a hit on me.”
“Then why am I using it?”
“Because your other enemies aren’t like me. They’re weak. But so are you. Your attacks are slow to activate and react. You need to be much faster.”
Dazai punched him square in the nose.
“And you only rely on your ability. You have no physical prowess. If it weren’t for your ability I’m sure you would've died in the slums a long time ago.”
Akutagawa jumped up and tried to wrap his fingers around his throat, but he was kicked in the stomach again before he could make it.
Training usually went this way. Akutagawa accepted it at first. He even relished in it. The sweat and blood, the adrenaline, he felt truly alive when he trained with Dazai. But he never seemed to make any progress. Dazai was always too good for him, and he was punished for it. Nothing he ever did was good enough for his master. It didn’t matter that he was at a natural disadvantage, that he was younger and smaller than Dazai, that Dazai had an ability that made Akutagawa’s useless. He was never enough. He was completely inadequate, and his master made sure to make him remember this. He burned his inadequacy and incompetence straight onto his forehead, so everyone else could see how worthless he was, so that when he looked in a mirror, he would see it branded on his face.
“Get up! I never said you could sit down!”
Akutagawa struggled to his feet, breathing heavily. He found himself pinned to the wall by Dazai’s foot, and his face was grabbed and turned to face his mentor.
“After all this time, you’ve made almost no progress. What do you think I picked you up for?”
Akutagawa tried to wriggle his face away, but Dazai just dug in his fingers deeper and held him there.
“You’ll never survive in the mafia at this rate. You’d be better off back in the slums. Is that what you want?”
Akutagawa screamed and pushed Dazai away with all the force he could muster, causing the older boy to stumble to the ground. Dazai looked up at him coldly.
“Is that all you can do?”
Akutagawa ran forward and tried to jump on him, but Dazai kicked his foot up, catching him in the stomach. He pushed the boy back and hopped up to his feet. Dazai wrapped his fingers around Akutagawa’s throat and choked him.
“You’ve been truly disappointing, Akutagawa.”
Akutagawa clawed at the hands around his neck, desperate to the point he drew blood from the other boy. The grip tightened. He looked into Dazai’s eyes, and what he saw made him sick. There wasn’t anger, or malice, or rage. It truly was pure disappointment coming from those cold dark eyes.
“I’m sorry…” he choked out, barely audible.
That day, Akutagawa thought Dazai would kill him.
But he eventually let go, dropping the boy to the ground. Akutagawa coughed violently.
“I’m tired. I think I’ll go home now.”
He started walking away.
“Wait… don’t leave…”
Dazai ignored the other boy.
Akutagawa reached out as far as he could, but Dazai had left him alone.
No, come back, I promise I won’t disappoint you this time, I promise. Please stay. I’ll work hard to become stronger, that way you won’t have to leave. You can stay here. I’ll never leave your side, so please don’t go…
“Dazai has left the Port Mafia.”
Mori’s words pierced his heart like a dagger.
“No… he wouldn’t-”
“He left.”
“That’s not true!”
Akutagawa’s ability shot out and pierced the floor of the Boss’s office.
“Akutagawa… please respect my office.”
The boy dropped to the ground.
“That’s not true… He never…”
He never acknowledged me. I was a disappointment, right up to the very end.
Akutagawa finally understood Dazai’s unending desire for death. He no longer had any reason to live in this world either. He almost jumped off his apartment’s balcony that night, but he was interrupted by his sister calling him back into the room for dinner. In the end, he never tried to end his life, but he felt it had already been ended for him anyway.
Chuuya had been complaining about Dazai over drinks for twenty minutes now. Akutagawa didn’t enjoy hearing his senior’s complaints about his former master, but he usually said nothing. Chuuya wasn’t someone you wanted to anger.
“-I’m glad he’s gone.”
Akutagawa clenched his fist on the table.
“It must be good for you, not getting kicked around anymore-”
Akutagawa’s fingers were around Chuuya’s throat.
“Watch it, kid.”
The boy was flung backwards onto the ground. Chuuya stood up and looked down at him.
“Please, you can’t tell me you’re not at least a little relieved he’s gone. All those times I dragged you out of that awful warehouse when you could barely stand up, aren’t you at peace now that you don’t have to go through that anymore?”
“You greatly misunderstand me. I haven’t known a second of peace. My will to live is gone. I have nothing.”
“What the fuck? Did shitty Dazai running off really hit you that hard?”
Akutagawa got back up and sat on the bar stool and took a sip from his drink.
“You don’t know what it was like for me out there. I was living off weeds and people’s discarded leftovers every day. Trying to support not only me, but my sister and my friends as well. No one ever reached out their hand and tried to help me. Until Dazai showed up. When I met him, he saved me and my sister. He gave me a reason to live. And all I ever wanted was to pay him back, to show him that he wouldn’t have to regret taking me in. But he did regret it. I was a complete disappointment to him. And then he left… he didn’t need me anymore…”
“That’s not why he left-”
“It doesn’t matter! He threw me away, because I was useless!”
Chuuya stayed quiet.
“I would have gone with him… if he had asked, I would have left, too. I would have followed wherever he needed me to… but I was a disappointment. So he threw me away…”
He felt a hand on his wrist.
“Let’s go outside.”
“Where are we going?”
“Nowhere in particular, I just thought some fresh air would do you some good.”
They walked in silence for a few moments.
“You know that Dazai was just being an asshole, right?”
Akutagawa glared at Chuuya.
“He was just treating you like shit to toughen you up. You were never some massive failure or disappointment. You’re a powerful member of the Port Mafia. Even Dazai wasn’t that much of an idiot to not realize that. I think he was probably proud of you, in his own way.”
“Well he could have told me that!”
“Yeah. He should have.”
Akutagawa hated the tone in Chuuya’s voice. He felt sorry for him. He didn’t want the man’s pity. He didn’t want to hear about how Dazai really felt deep down.
“I’m tired. I think I’ll retire for the night.”
“Oh, okay. Take care, Akutagawa.”
Akutagawa nodded, and walked away.
The boy lay on the dusty ground, not moving. He wasn’t sure how long he lay there before the door to the warehouse opened. He didn’t even look up to see who it was. Whoever had walked in kneeled down beside him now.
“Fucking hell…”
The boy felt a hand lightly shove his arm.
“Hey, kid, are you okay?”
Nothing.
“Akutagawa… Goddammit. Shitty Dazai, I’m definitely yelling at him later.”
“Don’t…”
“You’re awake? Can you stand up?”
“Don’t yell at Dazai…”
Akutagawa painfully sat up, clutching his aching sides.
“I’m taking you to get checked out by our doctors, okay?”
“I don’t need your help- Hey!”
Chuuya slung the boy over his shoulder and began walking towards the exit.
“Put me down!”
“No way! You’re coming with me.”
Chuuya carried him to the nearby doctor, who checked him out. He had several broken ribs.
“I’m calling Dazai.”
“Don’t-”
Chuuya had his phone pulled out already.
“Hey Dazai, get your ass over to the clinic…. Yeah, the one by that warehouse you use for training…. Doesn’t fucking matter why! Just get over here!”
He angrily hung up. Dazai eventually did show up.
“What’s wrong?”
Chuuya grabbed Dazai by the wrist and pulled him over to where Akutagawa was laying on the hospital bed.
“This is what’s wrong! What the hell have you been doing to him?!”
“Training.”
“What ‘training’? You’re just beating him up! He could barely move when I found him!”
Dazai shrugged.
“He’s only hurt this badly because he still can’t defend himself.”
“Your ability makes him completely defenseless!”
Akutagawa lay on the bed, listening to the two boys argue.
“He needs a break from your so-called ‘training’!”
“That’s Akutagawa’s decision. He made the choice to be trained by me, knowing it would be this way. And he’s continued to show up after everything. It’s not for you to decide whether or not he shows up. No one’s forcing him to, not even me.”
Dazai walked over to Akutagawa.
“Well, Akutagawa? Do you still wish to train under me? I won’t go easy on you just because you’re hurt. You’re in for a lot more pain if you choose to remain under my command.”
“Please… don’t stop training me. I want to become stronger. I will become stronger.”
“Okay.”
He turned to Chuuya and smiled.
“See? Nothing to worry about. He’s made his decision for himself.”
Chuuya looked like he wanted to murder Dazai.
It was raining. Akutagawa hadn’t brought an umbrella, so he used Rashoumon as a substitute (while efficient, it was mentally taxing trying to uphold his ability for the entire trip home). He finally made it to his apartment, his mind swarming with thoughts. He had felt terrible all day, and going out for drinks with his former mentor’s ex-partner hadn’t helped. It appeared his sister was not yet back. He felt some relief. He’d have at least a little time to himself. He decided to take a bath.
Akutagawa hated baths. Given the nature of his ability, being without clothes was as defenseless and vulnerable as he could get. And it only ever brought back difficult memories when he was soaking in hot water, his thoughts free to wander as they pleased. But he wanted that now. He wanted all the painful memories to come rushing at him. He wanted to be in pain. He needed something.
The water was almost scalding, as hot as he could make it, and he winced as he sank down in the tub. His ribs ached. How long had it been since he last trained with Dazai? Several weeks. He still felt pain. His ribs had been injured repeatedly and he never had a chance to let them rest. They’d probably never heal properly now.
“You don’t get to rest in this world.”
Dazai had told him that. It was true. Being part of the mafia was endlessly dangerous. You never knew when you’d be in danger, and you could never let your guard down. That’s why Dazai had been so tough on him.
Dazai… where did you go?
He had been pondering this. He firmly believed his former master was still alive, but most people seemed to be under the impression that he had finally committed suicide after his friend, a low level mafioso named Oda Sakunosuke, got himself killed fighting the group Mimic.
“When he’s serious, Odasaku’s scarier than anyone in the entire Mafia. Akutagawa, you could train for a hundred years, and you still wouldn’t be able to beat him.”
Akutagawa violently sat up in the bath, seething with rage. Those were Dazai’s final words to him. Right after he shot at him repeatedly and referred to him as his “incompetent underling”. The worst thing was, Dazai had been completely right. He was inferior to the lowest ranking member of the Port Mafia. Dazai respected that man so much, while he sneered coldly at Akutagawa. Akutagawa clutched onto his knees, digging his fingernails in hard enough to draw blood. Remembering all this filled him with a burning ache in his heart. His face grew warm and his eyes stung with tears. He tried to choke back his sobs but they kept escaping. He felt like he had regressed to a small child, a helpless crying child that he had never had the option of being when he was a child. He ran his fingers down his legs, leaving long red marks. His teeth bared as if he were in extreme agony. Akutagawa pulled the plug on the bathtub and stood up. Water dripped off of his thin body, and small amounts of blood ran down his legs. He stepped out of the bath, but slipped on some water on the floor, causing his head to slam against the cold tiles. A jolt of instinctual fear ran through him and he scrambled back up. Many times he had fallen and smacked his head on the ground, and this was usually followed by being kicked and yelled at. It wasn’t safe to be vulnerable. Adrenaline was racing through him as he clutched onto the edge of the bath behind him, his heart pounding, and his breathing unsteady. He looked up, and saw a scared helpless child staring back at him. A pathetic creature trembling with wide eyes like frightened prey. He yelled and threw his fists down. Glass shattered, and skin tore open on his hands. The child no longer stood there. He was all alone, his hands covered in blood and his face glaring like a rabid dog. He collapsed to the ground and began trembling some more.
Knock knock knock.
His eyes darted towards the door.
“Ryuu? Are you okay? I heard something break.”
“Gin? I’m-”
He couldn’t continue. He was shaking all over.
The door opened, and his sister stood there. She gasped at the sight of broken glass and blood. She ignored the hazard and ran to her brother, seemingly not caring that she was cutting up her own feet on the mess.
“What happened?”
Akutagawa looked into his sister’s eyes. He collapsed into his sister’s arms and began sobbing. It was a horrible sound, riddled with despair and heartache and grief. He cried out like a child watching his mother’s corpse lowered into the cold ground. He was crying for himself, for the child who had been left behind, for the absence of the parent now gone.
“This is Higuchi Ichiyo, she will now be working as your new assistant. I trust you to show her the ropes around here, as you’ll be working very closely.”
“A pleasure to meet you.”
The girl bowed politely.
“I’m sorry, sir, one of the men escaped.”
Akutagawa walked over to Higuchi and glared down at her.
“Sir, I-”
She wasn’t able to finish her sentence as a hand smacked her across the face, hard enough to leave a mark. Tears appeared in her eyes, but she remained composed and submissive.
“I don’t need your excuses! Go find the man who escaped!”
“Yes, sir!”
Akutagawa had felt nothing as he struck the young woman. After all, that was just what you did to useless subordinates in the mafia.
Akutagawa coughed as he exited the ruined building.
“Akutagawa!”
A shrill voice called after him.
“This is suicide even for you! Suppose this would eliminate our foes, you still cannot storm right into a building filled with security and…”
Akutagawa kept walking.
“And you haven’t even given your team any orders!”
He smacked her extended hand away from him.
“Silence.”
“But-!”
“What would you understand?!”
A great explosion erupted behind them. He looked up and pointed, his eyes wide, fixating on the bursting flames and ghastly smoke.
“That’s a signal. One visible from any point in the city. A signal he cannot help but notice, the man who disappeared before me without any warning… refusing to accept my power.
Higuchi grabbed desperately onto his arm.
“But it is my job to assist you!”
He stared down at her, enraged.
“I require neither your help nor anyone else’s.”
She looked up at him with wide eyes. She looked scared of him. He knew that look all too well. After all, it’s probably the same face Dazai had to look at when he was training him .
Are you watching, Dazai? This is my lament, my cry to you. One that I know will reach even you, wherever you are.