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As she approached the doorstep, she hesitated. Was it fair to burden her parents with her problems? Maybe it was better to turn back and go somewhere else. But where? To any of her sons? They had enough problems of their own. To Indis? Her friendship with Indis had spawned her worst mistakes. To Formenos? Aulë was quite clear that he didn't want her there. So, fair or not, she would seek comfort in her old childhood home. She raised her hand and knocked.
She heard approaching steps, and then her father's voice:
'Who is knocking?'
'It's me, Nerdanel,' she replied.
Her father opened the door and stepped back to let her in, then looked around.
'Are you alone?' he asked. 'Isn't Fëanáro with you?'
'No, he isn't. This is exactly why I have come here, to be without him.'
'What has he done again?' asked her father with indignation. 'Has he returned to his old ways?'
'No, he hasn't. This is the catch. He hasn't.'
'Well,' concluded Mahtan philosophically, 'whatever has happened, I see no reason to stay hungry, so come to have supper with us and tell us what's the matter.'
Nerdanel hung her coat, took off her shoes and went into the kitchen. Her mother greeted her and put a dish for her in front of a chair. Nerdanel sat down but didn't start eating.
'I must be a wicked person,' she said. 'I kept trying to be good but I am apparently evil.'
'Why do you think so?' asked her father carefully.
'You know that I condemned all Kinslayings, all evil deeds done by my husband and sons in their pursuit of that damn Oath. I insisted that they apologized and made amends to their victims. I was so happy when Fëanáro told me he was sorry for everything, and admitted that he should have listened to me and never left me. I thought that the elf I married was finally back, and everything would be fine again. But...'
She stopped, fighting back her tears. Her mother was staring at her with a worried look.
'Did he turn out to be lying?' she asked.
'No, unfortunately he didn't. He is all right, I am the problem. I... I realized that I don't really want back the elf I married, anymore than I want to be five and play with dolls again. I want the elf whom I abandoned when they exiled him. I want the rebel who feared nothing and bent his knee to no one. The reformed one who returned... I started to abhor being with him. I caught myself finding all sort of stupid tasks to prolong my work and postpone my return home in the evening. I hate sitting with him at the table and listening to his virtuous talk. And the nights are even worse.'
'I am sorry to hear this,' said her father. 'Well, let's think what to do now. Lord Aulë intends to turn old Formenos into a large armoury, and we intend to move there very soon. I'll produce weapons, and your mother will cook. We'll need solid walls, which means that there will be plenty of work for stonemasons. Do you wish me to talk to him to invite you? To Fëanáro and everyone else, it will be just summoning you for an important duty.'
'Thank you but Lord Aulë won't agree,' replied Nerdanel. 'I had actually heard rumours about Formenos, and offered him the same. But he said that my most important duty was staying home with Fëanáro and being a true wife to him. He said that after Dagor Dagorath, Fëanáro must break the Silmarils, and the Valar are anxious to keep him happy and obedient so that he doesn't refuse to do this task, or become unable to accomplish it. Basically, Aulë told me to close my eyes, bite my lips and think of Arda. He hinted to me that Dagor Dagorath is expected to come pretty soon, so I need just a little patience. But duty or not, I cannot imagine spending another night in bed with Fëanáro!'
Her father stood up, came to her and kissed the top of her head.
'Oh my girl!' he whispered. 'My poor girl!'
Her mother had buried her face in her hands and was silently weeping.