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“Let’s leave him alone,” was all Van said before pulling Miho with him.
At the time, she went with no complaints but it has been 30 minutes and Johan still hasn’t come out.
“Van, let’s check on him,” she decides. She was already making her way back into the building when a familiar firm but gentle grip stops her in her tracks.
She turned around, letting her vulnerability show from within her eyes. She can’t help it. It was as if Van’s strong gaze forced the emotions out of her.
“A little more,” was all he said.
Miho wanted to argue. She tried. But she found that she was hesitant to see the young exorcist’s grief. She hated herself right then but her heart selfishly didn’t want to see him in pain, far from his usual bright self.
She momentarily went back to the memory of Johan stabbing his brother. It was burned into her brain. The sound of the sword as it slid through his chest and pierced his heart. The warmth of the blood that splattered onto her face. But the worst, the part that she could never get out of her damn memory. The pale and devastated face of Johan. His eyes were unfocused, unwilling to see as his brother’s body fell. She could remember how his body trembled and his knees weakened. More than all of that, she vividly remembers his eyes where hopelessness laid and a sort of darkness that seemed to suck the life from him.
“Hey,” Van’s call disrupts her thoughts. “He’s probably fine. Don’t worry about it.”
—Is what he said. But the second he did, they heard a groan of pain. It was so slight, almost like a trick of the wind, due to their distance from where Johan’s brother laid to rest. If Van didn’t snap his head towards the noise, Miho would have convinced herself that it was her imagination. But it wasn’t. Johan was in pain.
Who wouldn’t? He literally just got stabbed. She thought. She cursed herself for forgetting such an important part of the recent events. He protected her from his own brother.
It’s her turn now.
Without hesitation, she heads towards the entrance—ignoring Van’s attempts to stop her. She was going for Johan—no, he’s more than that now. She was going for her little brother.
The first thing Miho sees is Johan hunched over the core of Chan Hee. Her heart tugs at the slumped posture of the young man. The second is the puddle of blood forming beneath his legs.
She knew she had to be gentle, lest she aggravates his injuries by startling him—so gentle she was. She called his name as softly as he could, like how her father used to do when she was upset. She took one step at a time to try and gauge his reaction to her approaching.
He turned around and she perked up a little, thinking he was going to acknowledge her presence. He didn’t. Instead, he grabbed his sword and with the shaky swipe of his two fingers, the blade appears.
Johan uses it to try to stand up but fails. His legs give up on him.
Miho’s stricken with worry as she runs towards him. She attempts to help him up but she is pushed away.
“Johan—“ she was going to reprimand him for refusing help but is caught off guard by the rage that now replaced the despair in his expression. She flinches away from how intense his aura felt.
Van—who followed behind her after giving up trying to convince her—also seemed visibly surprised. The man subconsciously reached for his dagger. She subtly shakes her head at him. There was no way she’d let Johan be more injured than he already was. Van surrenders, choosing to lean his hand against a cement pillar instead.
Johan ignores the two and walks towards the exit.
“Stop!” Miho tries. But the young man had no intentions to do so.
“Where are you going?” She asks instead, catching up to him.
“I’ll…I’ll kill…him,” he answers. He was already panting from the short distance he walked.
“Kill who?” She pries.
“I saw it…with my powers. A man with white hair telling him to keep killing—to find you to relieve my brother’s pain. I’m sure it was him who did this.” he stuttered and stumbled over his words. It was obvious that he was utterly overwhelmed and running out of fuel.
In her peripheral vision, she could see Van’s alert and inquisitive expression like he realized something.
“More than that, we should get you to the hospital!”
She reaches her hand out again but Johan gently pushes her out of the way.
“Ey, don—don’t worry about me noona,” he shows her a pathetic smile—one that tells her that she definitely should worry.
She runs to stand in front of him. Her gaze is firm and commanding—unwilling to compromise. But at the same time, it was sympathetic and warm. She could see Johan’s resolve crumble along with the inhumane but momentary strength that overtook his body.
She catches him.
“You can cry,” she reassures him.
That was all it took for Johan’s walls to fracture and break. It sent a river of emotions, tears, and everything ugly crashing into the forefront of his mind. His rage seemed to drain out of him right then, only leaving grief and despair.
He sobbed on Miho’s shoulder. His hands clutched tightly on her clothes desperately—like he was afraid to lose her too.
Her heart broke at his cries. This was new to her. Johan had always been all smiles with a knack to make her laugh at how ridiculous he was at times. He was never the one to break in the dire situations they always seemed to find themselves in.
Now all she could see was a boy whose shitty life couldn’t let him have a moment of happiness. A boy who gave his all to the people around him now had nothing more to give, having lost everything in the moment his sword ran through his brother’s heart.
“Why…” he cries. “Why my kind and loving hyung out of all the damn people in the world?”
She could feel her own tears threatening to come out.
“I thought…I thought we were finally going to be happy. I really did.”
She struggled to make out his words from the tearful sobs that interrupted it. All she could do was hug him tight.
“I was so happy, noona.”
“I know,” she whispered. She tried hard to keep her tone steady.
Just as he was about to say something again, he coughed. Miho felt horror slowly creep into her as she realized that the sudden hot wetness in her back was his blood. Johan coughed out blood.
“Johan!” she exclaimed urgently.
His breathing turned ragged and he coughed up blood once more.
“It hurts.” was all he said.
Van appeared by their side and their eyes meet. He looked concerned and an emotion she had never seen before on his face—scared. It made her even more panicked. If Van was scared, then the situation must be extremely bad.
“We need to get him to the hospital now.”
It was a blur. She could barely process when they ran to the car or when she sped way past the speed limit and broke a million traffic rules just to get her little brother to the hospital. She can slightly recall Johan’s strained cries of pain and the amount of blood seeping through Van’s fingers as he pushed into his wound.
They arrive at the E.R driveway and they wheel Johan away after seeing the severity of his injuries.
“…hey!” It was Van, seeming like he called her a few times beforehand.
It brought her out of her stupor and her legs gave up on holding her steady. For the thousandth time, Van catches her.
"He's going to be okay, right?"
Her entire body tremors with the real thought that Johan, her little brother, might actually die. The wound looked fatal and he was literally throwing up blood. Now she felt like she was going to throw up. She felt like a mother separated from her child. She'd seen the videos from Youtube. How the mom would try her best to shove down the panic attack as she frantically ran back and forth. Her insides twisted and turned into impossible shapes making her gag.
“Calm down,” Van ordered her. “He’s going to be okay.”
“How,” she started but she gagged mid sentence. “How are you so sure? He looked so—so dead! I don’t even…he—”
She struggled to continue. She swallowed and combed her hair with her fingers, lightly tugging.
Van gives her the softest, most understanding look.
“He’s going to be okay.”
It was so reassuring that Miho let herself believe him. Even if just for that moment, she convinced herself that Johan was okay. He’s strong. He’ll survive for sure.
She gathers strength to enter the hospital and they wait for hours on end as the doctors fight to keep her little brother’s heart beating. In that time, she prays to a God she doesn’t even believe in. She begs Him to let Johan live—and in a way, it was kind of like asking Him to let her live too. Even just in the mere months she’s known the young man, he left an unerasable mark in her life. He was part of her family now. He gave her strength to push forward like no one in her family has ever done. So please, she begs. The tugging feeling of desperation makes her pray for hours on end. There was a real fear that God had severed ties with her after a decade or so of not practising the religion. She asked for forgiveness and to let her voice be heard, even if it was just this once.
Then, the doors to the operating room opened. It was as if the light shone behind the surgeon, making her look like an angel sent by Him. She looked satisfied—unburdened.
Even then, Miho didn’t let her guard down. There’s no telling if the doctor’s just some unsympathetic asshole, after all.
“The surgery was successful,” she confirmed.
At that moment, a river of relief flowed through Miho. The debris that clogged her heart was swept away into the crevices of her unconcious.
“Thank you!” she exclaimed loudly, hugging the surgeon. “Thank you so, so much!”
To her credit, she froze for only a second before hugging Miho back and reassuring her that it was her job.
They were allowed to look over Johan for the rest of his stay. For the first time in a really, really long time, she felt heard by God. She could almost feel His presence standing beside her.
Thank you for saving him. She thought.
————
She’s brought back to consciousness by someone shaking her. She tries to shrug off whoever’s hand it was but they tightened their hold. She snaps her head up, annoyed and dead tired, to Van who’s beckoning his head towards Johan.
Her eyes meet with the young exorcist’s eyes. She notes how exhausted he looked, not just physically but also as if it seeped within.
She rushes to his side, ignoring how she almost tripped Van with the chair.
“How do you feel? Is the bed comfortable? I can switch you to a better room tomorrow, this is just what they have right now.” she rushed out all her words. “Do you need anything? Snacks? Dinner? Well, it’s 4am right now but I’m sure we can—“
“Miho,” Van interjects. “Slow down.”
She finally notices how confused Johan looked. His attempt at a smile faltering a little as he tried to catch up with what she was saying. She sheepishly rubs at her neck.
“So…how do you feel?” she asks instead.
He nods weakly. He attempts to speak but coughs instead.
She starts to stand to give him a glass of water, but Van beats her to it, already handing a glass to the young exorcist.
“Thank—“ he coughs again and Miho has to stop herself from rubbing his back, almost forgetting his injuries. “Thank you.”
“So,” she prompted. “Are you okay?”
“Of course I am,” he replied softly, voice still raspy from the coughing fit.
It was fake and Miho knew that, but she accepts his reply with a smile. He needs to convince himself that everything is okay. She can understand that a lot more than most people could. She also knew how shallow of a grieving mechanism it was. But nonetheless, she’ll let it slide for now while the young man was recovering.
“You thinking of getting revenge on that guy?” Van suddenly says. Miho glares at him and he just shrugs uncaringly.
Johan rubs his thumb on the glass as he looks down on it. He eventually shakes his head.
“Revenge is not the way of the Lord,” he decides. “I’m sure my brother wouldn’t want me to either. He’s unbearably kind like that.”
“And so are you,” Miho jokingly rolls her eyes, pulling a chuckle from Johan. She smiles fondly.
She could see some of the exhaustion chip away, revealing a little bit of the bright Johan she knew.
He’ll get through it, for sure. He’s strong and stubborn. Even if he doesn’t, then she’ll be there for him as his older sister.