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The drive back home is silent.
Kazuki is usually the one who drives, but tonight Rei doesn’t let him. He wasn’t sure what Rei saw on his face, but he wordlessly asked for the keys with an extended hand. Kazuki doesn’t remember the way back home; the streetlights, the road, the buildings, everything blurred together around him.
He doesn’t remember getting to the apartment, either.
Everything is exactly how they left it. The pair of shoes, way too small for either of them to wear, by the entrance, the high chair at the table, the coloring books on the coffee table.
“-zuki. Kazuki.”
He blinks. Rei is standing in front of him, blue eyes fixed on his face as he looks at Kazuki.
“I’m okay.” His voice is raspy; it sounds strange even to his own ears. “I’m okay,” he repeats, dragging his feet towards the couch. He drops himself on it, staring at nothing.
“I’m not.”
Kazuki’s head snaps back to look at Rei, who hasn’t moved at all. Despite everything, Kazuki is shocked to see tears glistening in Rei’s eyes that he immediately blinks away. With a deep sigh, Rei turns around and heads to the kitchen.
In the three years that Kazuki has known Rei, not once has he seen him cry. A spike of guilt strikes him for thinking he seemed physically incapable of doing so. A glass of water is abruptly shoved in his direction. He takes it, but he doesn’t know what to do with it.
“Drink.”
Kazuki does as he’s told, feeling instant relief in his dry throat. He finishes the glass in two large gulps. Rei takes the empty glass from his hand and places it on the coffee table.
He sits next to him on the couch. Not close, but not far either. The sharp silence should feel heavy and oppressive, but Kazuki feels nothing at all.
After what seems like an eternity, Rei speaks. “In the end, this was—“
“ For the best,” Kazuki finishes for him.
Kazuki knows. Both of them know. Miri could no longer be with them. Kyutaro’s voice keeps drilling into his head. Get rid of her soon, or they’ll give you more than a warning. They were too delusional, and Kazuki was too comfortable living in a dream he refused to wake up from. Knowing this doesn’t make it any less painful. It doesn’t. He digs his nails into his arm, hard, in a poor attempt to distract himself from the misery he’s feeling. Out of nowhere, his traitorous mind replaces Kyutaro’s voice with Miri’s high-pitched one.
See you tomorrow, Papa!
And just like that, a loud sob that Kazuki fails to stifle forces its way out of his throat. Against his will, tears begin streaming down his face. They can’t seem to stop falling. His face feels hot, and his vision gets blurry as more tears gather in his eyes, running down his cheeks.
The last time he cried like this was when… Yuzuko . As more sobs build inside him, he can’t help but think Rei surely doesn’t know what to do or how to deal with this. He’s probably feeling uncomfortable that Kazuki is falling apart in front of him.
Kazuki feels Rei move next to him. He’s probably leaving to give Kazuki some privacy, which he appreciates, but—
But that’s not what Rei does.
Without a warning, he feels arms wrapping around his shoulders. Rei’s motions are clumsy but determined, clearly unused to this. Kazuki is momentarily stunned by Rei’s actions, but the feeling is crushed by the weight of his pain and sorrow. The feeling of having someone comforting him makes him cry harder. He clutches the front of Rei’s jacket, crushing the fabric in his hands.
Rei doesn’t say anything as he holds Kazuki in his arms. He lets Kazuki get the tears and sobs out of his system as his grip around him grows tighter. Kazuki lets his head fall against Rei’s shoulder, trying to suppress the trembles in his body.
Eventually, Kazuki calms down, his crying turning into hiccups, and it’s hard to breathe, but Rei never lets him go. Kazuki doesn’t have it in him to feel embarrassed. He’s tired, too tired, his body feeling so extraordinarily heavy. He lifts his head from Rei’s shoulder and pulls back, putting a bit of distance between them. He immediately misses Rei’s warmth. He pushes that thought to the back of his mind. Suddenly, he feels too exposed, too vulnerable. He can’t bring himself to look at Rei’s face.
“Sorry about that,” Kazuki whispers, rubbing his eyes. “I’m…” he trails off. I’m what? Better now? Fine? Okay? The lie tastes bitter on his tongue.
“I’m taking you to bed.”
Only two days ago, Kazuki would’ve teased Rei at his choice of words, but now he just nods, finally looking Rei’s way. His dark brows are furrowed, something indecipherable lurking in his gaze. He looks like he wants to say something, but he doesn’t.
Instead, Rei rises from the couch and carefully pulls Kazuki to his feet. Kazuki stands on shaky legs after so much time being in the same position, but it doesn’t matter. Rei is there to keep him steady. Slowly, they make their way upstairs to Kazuki’s bedroom.
Once there, Rei doesn’t bother turning on the lights. He leads Kazuki directly to his bed, pulling down the covers before making him lay down, and then pulling the covers once again over his body, and something breaks inside Kazuki.
“Try to sleep,” Rei says quietly amidst the darkness of the room.
Kazuki can still make out his silhouette, though, thanks to the light coming from the opened door. He sees as Rei begins to turn, and panic flares up.
No. Don’t leave. Don’t leave me alone with my thoughts.
Kazuki’s hand shoots out to grab Rei’s arm. “Stay,” he whispers, hating how his voice breaks. “Please.”
Rei stays still, but Kazuki refuses to let him go. After a long moment, Rei finally moves; he moves away from Kazuki’s hold, leaving him with his fingers grasping at nothing. He walks to the door, and Kazuki’s stomach drops, but Rei doesn’t leave. He closes the door and relief washes over Kazuki. He hears the sound of a zipper, followed by the soft rustle of clothes; Rei probably taking off his jacket.
The mattress sinks slightly next to Kazuki as Rei arranges himself under the covers. Kazuki rolls over, wanting to face Rei. He shifts closer and places his cheek against Rei’s shoulder, his familiar scent soothing him. As the warmth of having Rei’s body close envelops him once more, Kazuki allows his eyes to fall shut. Distantly, and seconds before he drifts away into oblivion, he feels Rei’s own cheek come to rest against the top of his head.
*
Kazuki wakes up alone.
Unprovoked, his brain supplies him with the date. It’s Sunday. It’s Sunday, which means Kazuki will make French toast, Miri’s and Rei’s favorite, and he will hear Miri’s excited footsteps across the wooden floor as she rushes to the bathtub because Papa Rei shouldn’t be sleeping for so long and the three of them have to eat together, as a family– The apartment is quiet, way too quiet. It feels so utterly wrong.
Kazuki guesses Rei needed some time alone to grieve in his own way because that’s what they were doing, right? They both lost something, someone precious to them. People grieve when they lose something. And so, Kazuki waits; he forces himself to eat, to bathe, and pretend there isn’t a hole being carved in his chest. He watches as minutes turn into hours, as day fades into night, but Rei never comes back. When he tries to call him, the only response he gets is the default ringtone coming from the phone hidden under a cushion on the couch.
It’s only when Kazuki gives up on waiting and returns to his bedroom that night that he sees the piece of paper on one of the pillows, the pillow Rei used last night. Heart in his throat, he takes the note with trembling fingers. He’s unsure of how long he stands there in the middle of his room, eyes scanning the words over and over, his brain refusing to make sense of them, despite the note having only two words written on it.
Thank you.
Later, when Kazuki wasn’t feeling so lost, he would notice a picture missing among the few he had taped to his monitors. It was the picture Anna-sensei took of the three of them on Miri’s field day.