Chapter Text
After the funeral, all Toji could do was stare at the wall when he got back to his apartment.
To Toji, time felt like it was either going ungodly fast or unbearably slow.
Losing his wife was something that rocked Toji’s world in every way imaginable.
The funeral and burial went by in a blur. Toji kept a stone cold face in front of her family, but once he was alone, he swore he shed more tears than he ever did in his 20 years of life.
On the first night, he couldn’t help the broken sobs that escaped his mouth and into his pillow, or the grief and rage filled screams that escaped his lungs. It continued that way until about a week later, where he felt as if he had no more water in his body to expel into tears, on top of having a sore throat and a hoarse voice.
After everything, Toji’s body was on autopilot the weeks following her death.
Taking care of Megumi was a priority of course, but by god was it the hardest thing Toji’s ever done in his life. he could tolerate the beatings his family had given him as a child, but the wailing of a small infant child while he grieved? The task was nearly impossible.
Toji was also grateful Tomoko's family gave Toji all of Megumi's necessities. Toji had developed such a nasty drinking and gambling habit that he barely had enough money for Megumi's formula and diapers.
Usually, his routine went like this:
feed Megumi, burp him, bathe him, rock him, change his diaper, put him to sleep, and repeat. Making sure Toji himself ate and bathed here and there happened sometime between that (he didn’t remember really, he was too occupied with his grief to care about his own personal needs).
Everything he knew about taking care of his kid came from watching Tomoko do it several times while she was alive, even forcing Toji to do it himself (he WAS Megumi's father anyway).
“Make sure to hold his head.”
“He’s only a baby Toji-kun! don’t feed him that.”
“He’s so tiny, so make sure to burp him so his stomach settles properly.”
“You’re an amazing father, Toji-kun. i’m so proud of you.”
He huffed bitterly, thinking of it. His eyes stung, but he refused to let them run with tears.
How could Tomoko, the most perfect woman alive, believe that Toji was a good father? he only ever did what she told him to do. She was the good parent, not him.
With her gone, Toji felt hopeless. Lost. He lived and breathed Tomoko, (along with Megumi of course), and having her gone was similar to losing a part of himself. Along with having to deal with past traumas that Japan brought him when it came to his biological family, along leaving his friends and surrogate family in the States, Toji had barely anything left. Megumi was the only thing he had left in such a foreign and heartless place where he had nothing.
He sighed and rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand. he wanted to sleep, but he could not make his brain shut the hell up.
it was currently 3am, and Toji was currently achieving his daily task of staring at his bedroom ceiling, unblinking and thinking of Tomoko.
He thanked every god up there that Megumi was a fairly quiet baby, even at 5 months old. He slept quietly in the bassinet while Toji wallowed in his grief.
Toji finally sat up and stretched. he abandoned the idea of sleeping, since it wouldn’t come anytime soon. His short naps he had taken during the daytime with Megumi will have to be what fuels him for now.
As he attempted to walk towards the kitchen to grab a beer and wallow in his sadness, his hip ended up hitting a side table, making him hiss in irritation and pain.
He mumbled profanities and went to walk on to the kitchen, but noticed a picture in the corner of his eye.
Assuming the knocked over photo was Tomoko or Megumi, he picked it mindlessly, but was blinked in surprise at what he saw instead.
It was a picture of himself and his friends. Toji briefly remembers Tomoko putting it up before she had passed, saying something like: “how come you hid the only picture you brought back? it's beautiful!” he chuckled, thinking of the memory.
He brought the photo closer, studying it.
It was highschool graduation. He stood there with his arms around Valentina and Sukuna, smiling wide with both of them. Gojo and Geto stood next to them, both of them holding Mari in their arms and laughing. Everyone was wearing their caps and gowns, looking happy as ever.
Toji smiled fondly, thinking of the memory.
He remembers the chaotic environment of them getting ready, and even remembers Valentina fussing over him attending graduation. Toji didnt plan on it since he couldn’t give less of a shit, but he knew he had to do it for his friends. It was hell to get him to finish highschool, so Valentina and Sukuna convinced him to celebrate his achievement. He relented, realizing as well he had to show Giselle, Valentina’s mom and his stand in surrogate mother (since god knows what happened to his own mother). The woman basically helped raised him, since the Zen’in nanny that took care of him in the states would often be called back to Japan for whatever the other real Zen’in needed. Giselle Luna was kind, funny, smart, and full of love. She treated Sukuna and himself as if she’d treat her own child, with nothing but motherly love. In highschool, eventually Toji started calling her ma, since the woman was practically his mother. Toji still remembers seeing the proud smile and tears in her eyes when she saw Valentina, himself, and Sukuna walk the stage. he remembers her bone crushing hug that followed, along with the tearful praise. His smile faltered.
His friends. His family.
People that gave him a sense of belonging and love. People that he abandoned out of fear of rejection.
He shook his head, setting the photo down gently and going into the kitchen and grabbing a beer. He sat on the couch and drank, staring at the tv that was off.
His mind wandered as he drank.
Toji Fushiguro wasn't a man of many regrets. It was something Tomoko and his friends liked about him. He did what he wanted when he wanted and didn’t look back. It was something he learned after having to be on his own for so long, especially when it came to having to live with the Zen’in.
However.
Toji only ever regretted three things after Tomoko's sudden death.
One: not saving his precious wife from death. (even though he knew it was purely natural and Toji was told there was nothing he could do. that still didn’t stop him though).
Two: taking Tomoko back to the states to meet his friends like she asked. When he did speak about them, Tomoko always gushed about how she would’ve adored to meet the people who Toji cared so greatly about. (she also desperately wanted Megumi to meet his aunts and uncles).
Three: leaving home the way he did.
He crushed the beer car, throwing it to the ground and grabbing another one.
He continued to drink his sorrows away, while contemplating the way he left.
After graduation, Toji felt out of place. Everyone had gotten accepted into the same university, and of course planned on pursuing college education. Valentina and Sukuna planned on going for law, Mari and Geto planned on biology or psychology, whereas Gojo was undecided between education and psychology.
Toji of course gave zero shits about it. Highschool was enough of a bitch to him, college was out of the question.
His friends knew this and of course didn’t judge him for it. Sukuna even offered for Toji to start an internship with him at a tattoo shop that his step-brother Choso owned. Toji considered this, since he himself loved tattoos along with his friends. Working with Sukuna wouldn't be horrible either.
As well, they all planned to buy a house together after freshman year and live together. Both for convenience for school, but also a house they could all share as adults, knowing how close they all were.
Everything went smoothly as their first day for school approached. everyone packed up their belongings ready for their dorms, and everyone was excited. To avoid them stressing about the house and having to come back and forth to monitor their home that was being built, it was built while all of them were away, and was fully monitored and paid for by Mari’s father Oscar, and Valentina’s father Diego. The men both swore up and down that it was merely a graduation present to their girls, and the boys by extension. In reality, both men also viewed the boys as their sons, since all of them grew up together and were all connected at the hip since they were children.
During this time, Toji was struggling with everything. He was happy for his friends, really, but he couldn’t shake the feeling of being the odd man out. He didn’t apply to schools (nor did he necessarily have the money or the brains for college), he had to find an apartment now since his friends were all gone living in dorms, and he just… didn’t belong. No matter how much they assured him, he never felt right.
Everyone’s freshman year came and gone, and while his friends were busy with their college life, Toji had taken up the apprentice tattooing job at the shop Sukuna suggested, which was only 15 minutes away from his apartment and only 30 minutes away from his friends. Even though Toji was eyeballing a cheap shitty studio apartment, Giselle had fussed at him and ended up finding him a very nice small apartment. She ended up paying 6 months of the rent, which he was very grateful for, since the rent was fucking expensive, and also Toji enjoyed having shit paid for him.
During the summer, the house was finally finished. It was located in a gated community in a nice neighborhood (conveniently that wasn’t too far from Valentina or Mari’s parents), as well as It was a gorgeous 2 story 6 bedroom bedroom 7 bath home that felt endless, with rooms tailored to each person’s needs and wants. Everyone had a large bedroom with equally as large walk-in closets, along with their own bathrooms tied to it. At first, they were only supposed to have four bathrooms between the six of them. Mari and Valentina would share one, Sukuna and Toji would share one, Geto and Gojo would share one, and the last one would be for guests. But, everyone argued about who was going to the “better” side of the bathroom, who would get to use more of the cabinet space, along with the general weariness of having to share bathrooms. They’ve shared bathrooms before and it wasn’t an issue, but the boys were all so different with each other in their personal care routines and overall just life that they hesitated. The compromise was everyone got their own bathrooms, and there would be one guest bathroom. Toji remembers the headache of even imagining how much that was going to cost. He thanked god he wasn’t gonna have to fork up any of the money, because he’ll be goddamned if he had to pay for anything. A free house was a free house.
Moving into the home put him into a daze. The house was gorgeous and felt perfect for them, but again, being around his friends who were pursuing college education really made him feel odd. While they studied for exams, chatted about school, or even stayed at school for longer periods of time, Toji felt so utterly alone. Coming home from work to see his friends all typing away at their computers, leaning over a book, or asleep always made him feel odd. Even though he got to spend time with Sukuna during their tattoo internships, he still felt weird.
His room always felt too big, too quiet, and too lonely, so he often found himself migrating to Valentina’s room, where she would often be, studying with Sukuna and trading different information pertaining to their classes. He understood nothing as they chatted about school, but preferred being in their presence over being holed up in his room, or even being in the same room as the blue eyed demon that he often fought with (Gojo always insisted it was playful banter, but Toji thought otherwise).
Sukuna often fell asleep in Valentina’s bed, since their studying would often carry into ungodly hours which often led one or the other falling asleep on a textbook and the other with a pencil in their hand and snoring. Toji eventually just joined them, since he would often stay there with them, piping up randomly to get them off topic so they would give him attention (and it always worked). Sleeping in the same room or even the same bed as the pair wasn’t something new to them either, since they often did it during their childhood, so it was was going to happen eventually. (Toji secretly enjoyed it, but always threatened to kill Sukuna or Valentina when they brought the topic up).
Even though he thoroughly enjoyed being in his friends presence whether it be just be Valentina and Sukuna in their rooms, or all of his friends when they gathered in the living room for breaks and hanging out, or even when they gathered for dinner, Toji couldn’t shake the persistent feeling of not belonging.
It hurt even more when he felt like he didn’t even belong with the two people he was closest to. Toji was always quiet and felt as though he was casted aside when they often talked about school and law related things, and he hated it. It wasn’t intentional to hurt his feelings of course, but they still felt bad when they noticed Toji becoming drawn back and not himself.
They tried to talk to him about it, but Toji being a naturally closed off person didn’t help, so they never mentioned it again.
Instead, Sukuna and Valentina only communicated about school through text, or they would slide their laptop or a piece of paper to eachother, to try and communicate about it instead of actually talking about it in front of it.
Toji fucking hated it. As nice as a sentiment as it was, he felt as if they were pitying him. It was so suffocating to have them basically have to walk on eggshells around him, just because he was such a weak little bitch that he couldn’t handle his best friends talking about school and what they loved.
Two months into being in the house, he finally snapped and fled to Japan.
Valentina and Sukuna were upset when he told them the day of his departure, but they sent him off with hugs and well wishes nonetheless. He didn’t care enough to even tell Mari, Geto and Gojo either, he just needed to leave.
After that, he would come home for less and less time until he didn’t come back at all. The sad look in Valentina and Sukuna’s eyes when he left for the last time still haunts him, and the sadness laced in their voices.
Valentina hugged him tightly, burying her face in his neck. Toji squeezed her comfortingly, sighing as Sukuna met his eyes from across her head.
She pulled back, looking away sadly.
Sukuna pulled Toji into a hug, patting his back. Toji felt a lump in the back of his throat, but refused to cry. Not now.
Before Toji could pull away, Sukuna brought Valentina into the hug.
He heard Sukuna breathe a shaky sigh, and he heard Valentina sniffle lightly.
They know Toji so thoroughly that they knew his motives, even if he never even spoke a word.
They knew this would be the last time they’d get to hug Toji like this for god knows how long.
He squeezed both of them shoulder, closing his eyes tightly.
They all pulled away with wet eyes. Toji and Sukuna very rarely cried, but they would only bear their feelings to eachother and Valentina. They were all just that close.
Valentina held onto Sukuna’s arm, for her own sake. She needed to be tethered onto something before she lost her mind.
Toji will forever remember their next words.
“Come home soon, okay Jiji? We’ll be waiting for you. All of us.” she said, her voice cracking.
Sukuna nodded, looking at Toji head on.
“You’re our friend. Your home is with us. Always.” he said, putting his hand on his friends shoulder, and nodding in affirmation. Valentina nodded as well.
This was their way of telling him ‘you don’t have to tell us why you’re leaving, but know we love you and support you’.
Toji remembers tears flowing down his face the entire drive to the airport. He also remembers the worried looks people gave him when they saw his red puffy eyes. He glared at them anyway.
However at the time, he had met Tomoko. Tomoko Fushiguro, his sweet, loving, beautiful wife. A woman who was so full of love and light, yet also was sassy enough to put Toji in his place. The only reason he would go back to Japan was for her. He knew he had fallen madly in love with the bold and sweet woman after only knowing her for a few short weeks. Her getting pregnant with his son was the final straw, hence why he left for the last time and made his home Japan once more. The pain of leaving was worth it, he thought.
Valentina and Sukuna constantly texted him, with ‘how are you?’ ‘come home soon, we miss you jiji’ ‘i hope youre safe’, and it twisted his heart everytime. Thy even texted him as if nothing happened, making mindless conversations. He rarely responded to their texts since he sucked at communicating, but it never deterred them. A part of his brain enjoyed this, since it gave him the immense pleasure that they still thought of him. He didnt deserve their love or care, but still received it regardless.
He would sometimes check up on the groupchat he shared with them, reading them at night and laughing silently, trying not to wake up Tomoko. However, the joy he felt was soon replaced with guillt, so he muted it and eventually left the group.
The only text asking about his absence was from Gojo (of course), saying some shit like, ‘bae why did u leave ;( imy’. Toji snorted at the text, and it made him slightly miss the blue eyed demon that somehow is his friend (he used to term friend loosely). It went away soon after, as he sent a hoard of sad emojis, making Toji silence his texts.
He knew no one else asked him questions because Sukuna and Valentina probably told them not to. They knew Toji hated it. He was grateful for them doing that for him.
he even got texts from Giselle, always asking if he’s okay, if he’s eaten, typical mom stuff. That also hurt his heart.
He knew he was hurting his friends and his surrogate mother, but Toji truly didn't know what to do. Everything happened so quickly that he had no time to process it. He met Tomoko, married her, had Megumi, and then she passed.
How was he going to sum all of that in a text? How could he even say anything to them if the last time he had said anything was months ago? Toji didnt know how to go about it.
he deeply missed his friends. he missed his two shitheads the most.
He had had known the pair (along with the rest of the group) since they were all in the same ESL class in elementary school. The four boys were in there for their Japanese, and Mari and Valentina were in for Spanish. It was and odd mix, but their teachers worked with it (bless their hearts). They had stuck as a triad since then, doing everything together, getting into fights together, and just overall being there for eachother. sure he liked Geto, Gojo and Mari, but the pink haired alt freak and the loud and bubbly girl had a special place in Toji’s heart. Because of their personalities and overall demenor, they were always considered the ‘meaner’ and louder people compared to the other triad. However, they all got along so well and understood eachother through and through that their bond was always so tight.
He dearly missed Valentina calling him jiji, the stupid nickname she made for him in middle school, he missed beating people up with Sukuna, hell he even missed arguing with the two. He missed Sukuna’s quick wit and valentina’s sharp tongue. He missed their caring words, their hugs. They were the only people toji had ever opened up to before Tomoko had come along.
He missed his other family, now that he had lost his new one.
Toji crushed yet another beer can, throwing it in the pile that accumulated. He sniffed, angrily wiping the tears away. He carried so much guilt for so many things and he despised it. Toji despised himself.
He tiredly and angrily stared as the sun rose, sniffling here and there.
He wanted to go home.
This home he had built with Tomoko was no longer home. Home was where Tomoko was, and she was gone.
The apartment that he built memories in with his wife was cold without her, and although Megumi was there, toji was so alone. There was only so much his infant son could do. He couldn’t have real conversations with him, and he couldn’t give Megumi bone crushing hugs like he would to Tomoko.
He had never truly been alone since he was a young child, and loneliness was finally peeking its ugly head around.
He heard megumis cries from the room, meaning the child was awake and it was time to start his day.
Toji huffed, rubbing his tired eyes. Surely there was bags under, considering hes been awake staring at nothing for god knows how long.
He got up, going about his morning routine.
As he fed megumi his bottle, Toji came to a conclusion.
He was going back home.
Toji finally realized that Japan was full of nothing but pain and hurt. From the stupid fucking Zen’in bullshit to Tomoko passing, his motherland only ever served him pain and suffering, nothing more. The only good thing to come out of it was his blessing, his Megumi. And Toji will be god fucking damned to have Megumi carry the same pains his father did. Toji refused to put his son what he went through. He wanted Megumi to grow up to be a happy child that was given nothing but love and compassion, essentially what Toji was given by his surrogate family. Even though Megumi didn’t have his mother, Toji still wanted his son to have a chance at happiness.
After Megumi finished, he stared at Toji and cooed. his green eyes that mirrored his fathers stared into his. they seemed to say, ‘wherever you go dad, i’ll go’.
Toji smiled, kissing his sons chubby cheek, making the child giggle.
He and Megumi were gonna go home.
Toji looked out the window, seeing a beautiful big butterfly land on the windowsill. He smiled again, knowing that was Tomoko's way of telling him she was there, giving him the okay.
And that was all he needed.