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Hunter awoke with a start in a sweat, as was typical for her it seemed.
She looked over at the clock on her bedside. It was a little past five in the morning. She knew Darius would be upset that she was waking up before six, but he had suggested she partake in a little teenage rebellion when she first settled into his home.
Hunter took a few deep breaths to collect herself after whatever nightmare she had just experienced. She found it silly that something she didn’t even remember had riled her up so much.
She carefully made her way to the washroom, making sure her steps were extra light so she wouldn’t wake her guardian sleeping just a door down from her room.
Hunter locked the bathroom door behind her and flicked on the light. She wanted to rush to get ready, but as soon as she looked in the mirror all her plans were forgotten.
She couldn’t peel her eyes away from her reflection. Everything about her appearance seemed wrong. She no longer thought she was disgusting like she once had, especially after the scar across her face grew larger, but everything seemed out of place. It was like an out-of-tune guitar. Each string that was played was a note, just not exactly right.
Her hair didn’t seem right. It hit just below her collarbone, wavy in texture. She didn’t have a very interesting haircut. It was just a blunt cut aside from the slightly messy curtain bangs Luz had attempted to cut one night at the owl house. Her hair noodle had grown out enough that it was a huge bother and needed to be brushed back with the rest of her hair.
Hunter’s appearance had never really bothered her. When she was the golden guard, she hid behind a mask all the time, and even without it, she had no reason to think she was undesirable. No reason to think that being unattractive was even a bad thing. She was so sheltered from the world that beauty standards couldn’t reach her.
When she realized she was a girl, she was still living in the human realm. She had a lot more time to think and a lot more room for self-discovery there.
When she told Luz how she felt, she was very supportive and quickly started asking Hunter questions. Questions she didn’t realize existed. Questions she didn’t know she had to answer.
Luz had asked whether Hunter wanted to try makeup, wear different clothing, and all sorts of things associated with being a girl. Apparently. Hunter hadn’t realized that was a part of it.
Hunter had always known that girls were different from other genders, but she hadn’t paid it much attention until recently.
She noticed Amity had longer legs than Gus. She noticed Luz had smoother skin than herself. She noticed Eda had a smaller waist than Darius. She noticed so many things.
She learned girls had small waists, soft jawlines, long legs, less body hair, slimmer shoulders, smaller feet, wider hips, larger chests, smaller hands, higher voices… Hunter noticed a lot. She wanted a lot.
But she didn’t just want to be a girl, she already was one after all, she wanted to be the perfect girl. She needed to be pretty.
People who were pretty got treated better. People who were pretty were more liked. People who were pretty were loved. People who were pretty had everything.
So that’s how Hunter ended up with a pair of scissors in hand, a hair tie in the other, and no plan whatsoever.
She had just recently helped her friends dye and cut Amity’s hair, so she knew a couple of things:
One, don’t cut dry hair. Mistakes will be more visible, cuts will be jagged, and it’s just a whole lot easier to cut wet hair.
She needed to shower anyway, so she took a brief shower but left her hair relatively wet.
Two, Amity cut her hair by tying two equal ponytails in the front and back then cut the same amount of each ponytail. That resulted in beautiful layering.
Hunter did just that. She used a pill bottle as a guide to make sure she cut the same amount of hair off each ponytail.
Three, wet hair is longer than dry hair unless your hair is pin-straight. Be careful.
Hunter didn’t pay much mind to that third rule. She didn’t care how short her hair got. It would still be long by her standards.
Four, cut vertically on the ends of the ponytails to add texture.
Hunter watched as little pieces of blonde hair fell onto the floor beneath her. She would need to sweep that up later.
Five, you can’t do much while it’s wet when you don’t know how it will turn out. Just let it dry.
Hunter finished drying herself off and changed back into her pajamas. She didn’t want to wear her Hexside uniform longer than she needed to.
Looking back in the mirror, Hunter could see a difference in her hair, obviously since she had just cut it, but her attention was brought back to her skin.
Her pores were visible and it drove her mad. She was breaking out along her cheeks. Her cheeks and nose felt too oily but her forehead was so dry it was tight and painful. Her skin tone seemed uneven. She had random patches of redness on her neck and face of unknown origin.
She grabbed one of the fancy bottles on Darius’ countertop and inspected it. The bottle read “cleansing oil.” Why would someone need cleansing oil if they already had face wash? What even was cleansing oil?
Hunter put the bottle back. She would limit her experimenting to the products she knew the purpose of at least vaguely.
She washed her face with Darius’ face wash. It seemed to work for him. She rubbed sunscreen all across her face, neck, and ears. She was lucky it doubled as a moisturiser. She rubbed petroleum jelly on her lips. Willow recommended that as a way of moisturising.
Hunter looked back in the mirror. Her skin certainly felt a lot better, but did it look good enough?
She softly smiled in the mirror. She liked what she saw. Sure, the acne along her cheeks was prominent and yeah, you could see the texture on her skin, but she looked pretty. The sunscreen made her face slightly dewy. She heard that shiny skin was bad, but she felt good. It felt beautiful.
But Hunter wasn’t content with being happy with what she saw. It didn’t matter what she thought, it mattered what others thought. What if her friends didn’t want to be seen with her because she was ugly? What if people spoke behind her back? What if everyone would judge her without her even knowing?
She had never really cared about what others thought of her appearance until she realised it mattered. She hadn’t cared until Luz said she wanted to look good for Amity. She hadn’t cared until Amity said she was worried people would judge her for the new shoes she bought. She hadn’t cared until Darius said that he would never be seen in public dishevelled.
She hadn’t cared until she was told she should care.
It confused her. Why should anyone care about what others thought of their appearance? Why should anyone care about their appearance at all?
But a lot of things confused Hunter. It confused her why people found kissing enjoyable. Sarcasm was confusing. Darius’ love of the colour purple was confusing. Luz’s obsession with Azura was confusing. Why eye contact hurt her but no one else was confusing. Why her uncle had looked at her weirdly when she flapped her hands was confusing. Why Darius cared about her was confusing. Why all of her friends still liked her was confusing. The fact that all of her friends overlooked every one of her flaws and every bad thing she had ever done was confusing.
Maybe Hunter was just stupid. It was the only real explanation for not understanding so much common knowledge of the world.
But it didn’t matter why she should care about what others thought of the way she looked, all she knew was that she would.
Hunter huffed and opened up her own drawer in the bathroom. Darius had cleaned out a drawer for her once she started her own collection of makeup products.
Her makeup routine was just that, a routine. It was almost automatic. Willow had taught her how to apply each product and in what order, and she stuck to that system like glue. She would never forget it for as long as she lived.
Primer, foundation, concealer, contour, blush, highlighter, eyeliner, mascara, lip gloss, setting spray.
However, she also learned that she needed to adjust things to work for herself. She worked her way around her scar and removed any makeup that crossed over. She only covered her scars in a light layer of foundation so the finish would be consistent across her face.
She knew that the scars weren’t pretty. She used to cover them with makeup, but they would show through by the end of the day and she needed something that was just for her. All the golden guards looked the same, but her scars were unique. They were a sign of the individual battles she went through. They could never be replicated on another person. They were hers. She couldn’t let that go.
By the time Hunter was done with her makeup, her hair was nearly dry. She only had to wait a bit longer before she could style it.
She left the washroom and headed for the kitchen. She always made breakfast for both her and Darius. It was one of her ways of showing Darius appreciation for everything he had given her.
She felt conflicted about what to eat often. She heard girls at school talk about needing to lose weight despite their bodies looking perfect. She heard them put incredible importance on a number that a random piece of technology told them which was just a measure of gravity if you really thought about it.
But she also heard those same girls talking about wanting a bigger butt, fuller hips, and bigger breasts, all things associated with gaining weight, not losing it.
So what was she supposed to want?
Hunter was scrawny. Darius told her she needed to eat more, Willow wondered how she was so tiny with a physical job like the golden guard, and Camila practically force-fed her back in the human realm.
Based on this, she should probably gain more weight.
But Hunter thought it was better to be skinny all over than fat in the wrong places.
It’s not that she thought that skinny was the only good body type. After all, Willow wasn’t skinny and she was stunning. She couldn’t explain it. She just had to be skinny.
Plus, the feeling of satisfaction when she felt a pang of hunger and ignored it felt much more satisfying than eating an extra snack throughout the day.
Hunger was also a familiar feeling for Hunter. She never had much time to eat back in the emperor’s coven and even when she did, the food she ate was bland and unsatisfying.
Ever since she got trapped in the emperor’s mind, her entire life had been flipped on its head. Everything was suddenly new and unfamiliar. Hunter didn’t like that.
She needed some sense of normalcy. She thought that this weird, unsettling feeling that coursed through her veins was just anxiety after leaving the castle, but it persisted in the human realm. She thought that it was just her being thrown into a very unfamiliar place with two new people that kept the feeling around, but it remained in the demon realm, even when peace was achieved.
Change was uncomfortable. She hated how much everything had changed. She felt so horrible every day that the price of skipping a few meals to feel even just a bit better was one she was more than willing to pay.
Hunter fried a few griffin eggs, two for Darius and one for herself. She toasted some bread just for Darius. She made some tea for both of them. She cut up a variety of whatever fruit was in Darius’ fridge for them both, a significantly less amount for herself. She put her own food on a smaller plate so Darius would think she was eating more than she did.
When Hunter sat down at the table, Darius made his way downstairs. Darius typically woke up much later than six thirty in the morning, but with his (practically) daughter waking up so early, it was inevitable that he would as well.
“Morning, Hunter.” Hunter returned the greeting. “Thanks for making breakfast.” Hunter nodded.
“It’s no problem. Have some tea, it’s caffeinated. You seem tired.” Darius didn’t respond, he just nodded and sipped the tea Hunter had prepared. She had learned in an embarrassingly long amount of time that no, Darius did not hate Hunter, he was just not a morning person and needed a few minutes to wake up completely before becoming a functioning witch.
“You don’t have much on your plate. You’re growing, Hunter. You should eat more.” Hunter took a long sip of her tea to stall for time to come up with an excuse.
“I already had some toast with jam earlier before you came down.” Darius nodded. He believed her.
In a twisted way, Hunter was happy Darius was concerned for her. She must be doing something right if people took notice of what she was doing. It made her feel good that her behaviours concerned others.
The rest of the meal was eaten in silence. Not an uncomfortable one, though. Hunter appreciated that she and Darius could sit in silence and not feel awkward. Silence can be relaxing and peaceful if you let it be.
When they finished eating, Hunter practically leaped across the table to grab Darius’ dishes before he could try putting them away himself. Hunter quickly washed the very few dishes they had used, dried them off, and put them away.
Darius had told Hunter that she needed to relax and that not everything in the house needed to be done by her, but Hunter felt more at peace when she was being useful. The things that Darius found relaxing were different from her own.
Darius found long showers, laying in bed, and face masks relaxing. Hunter found doing homework, reading, exercising, and doing chores relaxing. She couldn’t find doing nothing enjoyable when she could be doing so many things.
There were always more chores to be done, more homework to do, more books to read. There was always something she could do. There was always something she had to do.
When Hunter was finished in the kitchen, she made her way back to the bathroom. She awkwardly reached around Darius who was putting an array of mystery products on his face to grab her toothbrush. She brushed her teeth until she tasted iron.
Hunter wasn’t ever insecure about her teeth, she was only starting to become insecure about them when she learned that she should be.
Toothpaste was advertised as “whitening” in bold lettering. She was told not to drink too much soda by Darius as it would stain her teeth. She heard Lilith criticise Eda for how stained her teeth were.
Did she understand why her teeth needed to be white? No. Really it made no sense because yellow was the natural colour of teeth and an indicator of strong and healthy teeth, but apparently, her teeth needed to be white.
It’s not that her teeth weren’t white already, she just thought that they could be whiter. There was always room for improvement.
She rinsed her mouth with mouthwash, not water. It was recommended in a Penstagram ad.
Though she hated the burning taste of mint mouthwash and the way it made her mouth sting, it was worth it. She needed to be pretty or else no one would like her.
“Did you cut your hair?” Darius asked just as Hunter was about to head back to her room. She hurriedly nodded, tucking a lock of said hair behind her ear.
“Yeah, sorry if it looks bad. I cut it wet and I haven’t styled it yet-” Darius shoved his daughter in front of the mirror and plugged in a hair straightener.
“It doesn’t look bad. You did an amazing job, actually. I’m surprised.” Darius pat Hunter on the head. Hunter tried to hide her smile, failing miserably.
“I’ll show you how I would style it. I’ll walk you through it so you can do it yourself later.” Hunter nodded. Darius began to run his fingers through her hair, detangling any knots that appeared along the way.
The next twenty minutes or so were filled with laughter and happiness. Hunter teased Darius for instantly burning his hand on the straightener (he was fine, Darius was just dramatic). Darius teased that Hunter had cut her hair to look good for Willow and teased her more when she didn’t deny it.
Hunter loved domestic moments like this. Moments when she didn’t realise how enjoyable they were until you left them. Moments where she could just be a teenage girl with her guardian, not a care in the world.
Back in the coven, Hunter didn’t have anyone to do her hair. No one to banter with. No one to give her fashion tips. No one to soothe her after nightmares. No one to ruffle her hair when she did something good. No one to genuinely care about her.
Sure, Belos acted caring all the time, but every good moment with him was now tainted when she learned what it all meant. Belos hadn’t cared about her. She didn’t believe that Belos faked all that emotion, she just thought that all that love and emotion wasn’t for her, it was for Caleb. For the brother that Belos had lost.
The hugs, the kind words, the passionate stories of the human realm, the ruffled hair wasn’t love for Hunter, it was love for Caleb.
It seemed the bad things were also for Caleb. The scar on her cheek, the notch in her ear, the countless times she was screamed at relentlessly wasn’t hatred for her, it was hatred for Caleb.
Hunter didn’t like to think of Belos too much. She knew someday she would have to confront her feelings about him, but that day could wait. She had other things to deal with. Belos wasn’t in her life anymore, he didn’t deserve to plague her mind when he didn’t exist anymore. She wouldn’t give him that satisfaction.
But Darius wasn’t Belos. Darius was Darius. He cared about Hunter, she could see it. She saw the way he looked at her with pride when she brought home an A on a test. She saw the way his eyes filled with worry whenever she’d leave for school. She saw how he wiped the tears from her eyes when she cried. She saw how he cheered at her flyer derby games. She saw how he was genuinely trying to make her happy. Not to trick her or blackmail her, but just because he liked seeing her happy.
The emotions she felt while Darius was doing her hair all felt similar in a way as they all stemmed from love. There was no underlying feeling of dread, no fear that something would go wrong, just pure, genuine love.
“There you go, Hunter.” Hunter smiled in the mirror. Darius really knew how to do hair. She ran a hand through her hair and shook her head, giggling at the way her hair moved.
She spun around and threw her arms around Darius. He returned it.
Hugs had become commonplace in the Deamonne household. Hunter loved hugs, especially hugs with Darius. Each person gave and received hugs differently in ways the Hunter couldn’t describe. All he knew was that she liked hugging Darius.
“Thank you!” Hunter said after eventually pulling away. Darius waved her off with a smile and continued his own overly complicated morning routine.
Hunter went back to her bedroom feeling lighter.
She sat down at her desk and began reading over her notes for her potions class. They had just started a new unit and she wanted to know everything about it so she wouldn’t be surprised when a new topic came up during class.
Hunter liked studying. She found it fun plus, being good at school was something people wanted. Luz always gushed about how smart Amity was. Gus invited Hunter over often since she was smart and he needed help studying. Darius always seemed proud whenever she got good grades.
Hunter stayed up late doing extra work and studying, which made her a lot more drained than she was willing to admit, but she didn’t mind.
Her friends praised her for being so smart. Her classmates liked her because she provided notes and study guides. Her teachers seemed so happy she was willing to do extra work for their classes. Her peers were always so thankful when she helped them with their work. Darius was always so proud when she did well on a test.
People liked smart girls. They liked when she was good at school and was willing to share her knowledge.
Being smart was a good thing. She didn’t understand why so much importance was placed on performance in school, but it was. She didn’t need to understand why, she just knew she needed to be smart.
When Hunter was satisfied with her before-school study session, she threw her notebook into her backpack and began getting dressed.
Hunter wasn’t initially very happy with the way her uniform looked on her. Everything was too tight and revealed her lack of curves. Luckily for her, she lived with a fashion fanatic who was great at altering clothing.
She made the skirt flare out more to give the illusion of wider hips. She wore a corset (without Darius’ knowledge) to cinch her waist. She adjusted her shirt to show off her slim waist.
As long as she didn’t look too closely in the mirror, she would be happy with her uniform.
Hunter quickly grabbed a pair of earrings and slipped them into her earlobes. Luz had helped her pierce her ears. It had not gone very well. Luz had made her a pair of dangle earrings–one with a star and the other with a moon–as an apology for the negative experience.
Luz had said the earrings made her look pretty. Girls needed to be pretty. Hunter needed to wear earrings.
She swung her backpack over her shoulder and ran to the bathroom. She packed up any makeup she might need to touch up later into a makeup bag and threw it into her backpack. She couldn’t risk any part of her appearance looking out of place. She needed to be perfect.
She contemplated grabbing a snack from the kitchen for a snack at school but decided against it. She needed to stay slim. Any bit of temptation she refused was a little win for her day.
She yelled out to Darius that she was leaving and after hearing his goodbye, left the house and headed for Hexside.
Darius often offered to teleport Hunter to school, but Hunter liked the exercise. Exercise meant she was burning calories. Burning calories meant she was losing weight. Losing weight meant she was getting closer to being the perfect girl.
Hunter needed to be perfect. She needed to have a perfect body, perfect face, perfect hair, perfect grades, perfect life.
She needed everyone to know she was the perfect girl. She needed them to know she had a perfect body, perfect face, perfect hair, perfect grades, and perfect life.
She needed to be desired. She needed to be noticed. She needed to be loved.
She hadn’t cared much about what others thought about her until she was told she should. Only then did she start caring about what people were whispering about when she walked by, what the stares she got during class meant, what came to people’s minds when they thought of her.
It felt like eyes were always on her, watching for a hair out of place or a single blemish on her face.
Logically, she knew that no one paid that much attention to her. Everyone was busy with their own lives. She didn’t think about other people’s faults throughout the day, so why would anyone be looking for hers?
But logic was starting to make less sense. She stopped caring about logic. Her irrational thoughts felt more real than the logical ones.
She needed to be the perfect girl. Even if she didn’t like who that girl was, as long as other people did, she would be happy.