Chapter Text
Neil,
I am writing to you because you once said that memory was a choice.
You said that with your back to me, drowning your ghosts in the river until there was nobody left but you.
In the darkness, you could be a stranger. I could be someone you don’t know.
If you were a stranger, you would see me try and drown this memory again and again.
You would know that memory is a flood.
You would know that you are flood.
“I can hear you, Todd. I can hear you.”
That is just one of the things I took for granted. But telling a person that you can hear them, is never a promise that you will stay.
You told me something once, about how biology dictates reality, but our ancestors could have never felt what we did in the present moment.
I think what you really meant was that you couldn’t have looked into the eyes of a drowning man who loved you more.
But then you shut the door and you were singing to me. And I was telling you that it was good. My day was good. And I cannot see the shadow falling across your face. It is all harmless.
Because it took everything in me not to tell you that I love you.
It is easy to kill something that is harmless.
I’ve done it too many times. I won’t do that to you.
You have my word.
Todd.